going up
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going up
i have actually progressed a great deal lately, although i still have nagging questions, i'll save for another time. but i have been reading lots of posts and it saddens me how prevailant this all is. what saddens me the most is the helplessness we all face. that there is nothing to do, but step away. depite every thing that is inside us telling us to love and help, it usually amounts to nothing. the fact that my alo is facing the hardest time in her life and one that can be so destructuve and all i can do is stay out of the picture she pushed me out of is so hard to accept. and i know feel closer to everyone here because i know you all know that feeling. there are so many possibilities of what is going on now and what can happen, so many questions and possible outcomes, but i may never know anything ever again. there is only me left here. hallowed out and broken. i am grateful that something inside me is not letting me stay that way and that i feel that i am on the upside now. i hope that feeling lasts. and i hope everyone finds that upside.
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anger
i also want to mention anger. i started to finally feel some anger last night. like- after all i did for her, she just leaves and cuts me out totally. i get one call after two weeks that lasts 5 minutes. after ALL i did. i did not do anything for anything in return, but to just leave like that. Then on top of that, to say you like someone else now. WHAT?!?! yeah, this guy must be wonderful, he picked you up on the streets, oh he must be different because he only wanted to talk. So everything she said was b.s.? Wait, we didn't just talk about these plans for the future? We went through so much together and now to her i dont exist.
so great, i have anger. what to do with it? i can't spew it out at her unless i try tracking her down. i;m not going to show up at the house she's supposedto be staying in, andi am not calling hte number of the great new guy she called from, thank god i havesome dignity left, but even if i did find her or hear from her, whats the point? what the point of releasing this to an active addict, so i guessi just have to let it be.
then, on top of all that i try to excuse it all and blame it all onthe drugs. i dont know what is the real her or what is the drugs during all of this.
so great, i have anger. what to do with it? i can't spew it out at her unless i try tracking her down. i;m not going to show up at the house she's supposedto be staying in, andi am not calling hte number of the great new guy she called from, thank god i havesome dignity left, but even if i did find her or hear from her, whats the point? what the point of releasing this to an active addict, so i guessi just have to let it be.
then, on top of all that i try to excuse it all and blame it all onthe drugs. i dont know what is the real her or what is the drugs during all of this.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
[QUOTE] Steve,
It sounds like you are going through the stages of grief.
Why dont you look up and read about the stages of grief.
If I could remember them correctly, I'd post them here,
but i forget, and anyway, we sometimes go through the stages in
different ways. I think it might give you some insight on your
feelings.
I think you are making progress. Not everyone does it the same way, and
maybe some folks are critical, but I see progress and that you are
here trying, not out trying to find her again. That is progress.
you choose to be here, and to work on getting healthy.
I think that you are a humble person, and you deserve to be happy.
we all do it however we gotta do it. the main thing is to take care of you.
Originally Posted by steve1840 
i also want to mention anger. i started to finally feel some anger last night.
It sounds like you are going through the stages of grief.
Why dont you look up and read about the stages of grief.
If I could remember them correctly, I'd post them here,
but i forget, and anyway, we sometimes go through the stages in
different ways. I think it might give you some insight on your
feelings.
I think you are making progress. Not everyone does it the same way, and
maybe some folks are critical, but I see progress and that you are
here trying, not out trying to find her again. That is progress.
you choose to be here, and to work on getting healthy.
I think that you are a humble person, and you deserve to be happy.
we all do it however we gotta do it. the main thing is to take care of you.
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Steve,
Grab ahold of that anger - embrace it - and use it to break free of the obsessive thoughts and sadness.
I was not able to detach myself from my AS's messes until I got angry enough to do so. I'm not proud of my actions at the time, but I am proud of the fact that I was able to spin the anger into something constructive, that eventually helped me.
Grab ahold of that anger - embrace it - and use it to break free of the obsessive thoughts and sadness.
I was not able to detach myself from my AS's messes until I got angry enough to do so. I'm not proud of my actions at the time, but I am proud of the fact that I was able to spin the anger into something constructive, that eventually helped me.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 82
You will feel lots of anger. That's a good sign. It means you're getting through it. You're losing the fantasy, and it hurts like hell. You're looking at the reality of the situation and seeing how selfish an addict can be, and you're angry that it took you this long. You're angry at her, yourself, and the fact that she chose drugs over you. Heroin is a seductive temptress, and once she grabs you, she won't let go. Look at how much your axgf has thrown away. She threw away love, which to me, is everything in this world.
Have you thought about putting your anger on paper? Writing a letter you never give to her. The reason why you can't confront her is because she doesn't care. She's so numbed by the drugs that it would be a waste of time. It would be like voicing your anger at a wall.
Also, I have to say, I don't think for a second that this "great guy" is clean. I think she tells you that he is because she wants you to believe it, but I'm guessing it's one of the many lies she's told you. Stop thinking she's found some amazing fantasy guy who's better than you and that's why she's with him. She's with him because she can do drugs with him. Her whole life revolves around drugs and will until (if ever) she gets clean.
Have you thought about putting your anger on paper? Writing a letter you never give to her. The reason why you can't confront her is because she doesn't care. She's so numbed by the drugs that it would be a waste of time. It would be like voicing your anger at a wall.
Also, I have to say, I don't think for a second that this "great guy" is clean. I think she tells you that he is because she wants you to believe it, but I'm guessing it's one of the many lies she's told you. Stop thinking she's found some amazing fantasy guy who's better than you and that's why she's with him. She's with him because she can do drugs with him. Her whole life revolves around drugs and will until (if ever) she gets clean.
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yes, you accurately described my anger for the most part. i am angry at myself for not seing that this was a fantasy relationship, even though i knew she was using, i am angry or disappointed that i overlooked that and allowed myself to do everythnig i did.
i am saddened that she chose the drugs over everythnig else. as broken as i became over this, i do beleive i am a great bf, maybe on of the top ten, top twenty for sure, and at least the best she had.
my anger towards her- well that lay mostly in the way she split. there were a few things i would get angry over while we were together, but i excussed it all on the drugs. i am angry that after all we went through and all i did that she moved right on to the next thing. i do think this person is clean. i think she is cunning enough to latch on to someone clean. she is probably seeing him as an anchor for her, the new inspiration to start over and have a wonderful life. but i do not foresee that happening. if it does, i will be happy for her, but with resentment. if it doesn't i will not relish that either. she has a lot of issues and i have no idea if she is trying to get clean or not. so that is another part of my anger- that she knows how much i cared about her and she just dropped me like an empty pack of cigarettes. when she runs out, she might come across that empty pack to see if there was anything left in it. i do expect that to happen at some point.
knowing that confronting her would be a waste of time, i am trying to let the anger go in some ways. i should keep focus on me and not hold the anger too closely. and i am amble to smile as i type this knowing that i have taken the first steps back into my life. that said, i am still beset with thoughts at times-all questions i will never answers to- is she still "working", still using, where is she staying etc. it may not matter, but it shows that i do care about her, while she probably doesn't give me a thought. oh well.
i am saddened that she chose the drugs over everythnig else. as broken as i became over this, i do beleive i am a great bf, maybe on of the top ten, top twenty for sure, and at least the best she had.
my anger towards her- well that lay mostly in the way she split. there were a few things i would get angry over while we were together, but i excussed it all on the drugs. i am angry that after all we went through and all i did that she moved right on to the next thing. i do think this person is clean. i think she is cunning enough to latch on to someone clean. she is probably seeing him as an anchor for her, the new inspiration to start over and have a wonderful life. but i do not foresee that happening. if it does, i will be happy for her, but with resentment. if it doesn't i will not relish that either. she has a lot of issues and i have no idea if she is trying to get clean or not. so that is another part of my anger- that she knows how much i cared about her and she just dropped me like an empty pack of cigarettes. when she runs out, she might come across that empty pack to see if there was anything left in it. i do expect that to happen at some point.
knowing that confronting her would be a waste of time, i am trying to let the anger go in some ways. i should keep focus on me and not hold the anger too closely. and i am amble to smile as i type this knowing that i have taken the first steps back into my life. that said, i am still beset with thoughts at times-all questions i will never answers to- is she still "working", still using, where is she staying etc. it may not matter, but it shows that i do care about her, while she probably doesn't give me a thought. oh well.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 82
^^ Well, Steve, my axbf chose me when he was trying to start over and look what happened. I imagine if this guy she's with is clean, then it will just end in disaster. Consider this all a blessing. She's no longer trying to manipulate you. She's latched onto a new victim. Somebody is looking out for you 
You have been released. You can find happiness now. She was only going to destroy your life, just as my axbf was going to destroy mine. They're gone, and we deserve better.
You have been released. You can find happiness now. She was only going to destroy your life, just as my axbf was going to destroy mine. They're gone, and we deserve better.
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Anger serves a useful purpose for a while. It's ok to be angry. Do something....anything to express that anger and get it out of you. Work through it Steve and you'll come out better for it.
Eventually, the anger will have served it's purpose and it will be time to let it go. You'll know when that time comes.
And then hopefully you'll embrace forgiveness.
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a process by which we let go of pas hurts caused by ourselves or others in order to experience deep healing and move forward.
You're on the right path, Steve. Anger is a part of that path.......just don't get stuck there.
gentle hugs
Eventually, the anger will have served it's purpose and it will be time to let it go. You'll know when that time comes.
And then hopefully you'll embrace forgiveness.
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a process by which we let go of pas hurts caused by ourselves or others in order to experience deep healing and move forward.
You're on the right path, Steve. Anger is a part of that path.......just don't get stuck there.
gentle hugs
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kindeyes- it is not in my nature to get stuck in the anger. in fact, my friends don't understand why i don't get angry. i like to think i have some zen thing going on, but more than likely it is a defense mechanism from childhood when i was not allowed to express it. so i never learned how. i had to bottle it up and channel it some other way. but yes, it is part of the process.
daisy- i am taking this as a blessing. she did something i was not prepared to do yet. i woud still be stuck in this or feeling way guilty for leaving her. i am seeing this all as a lesson. after all these years i finally learned how i want to be treated in a relationship. i was always a pleaser and put all my needs aside. i don't need much, but i need what i need. this round with her seemed different because, although high, was meeting those needs. but that wouldn't have lasted. so, yes, we deserve to happy.
daisy- i am taking this as a blessing. she did something i was not prepared to do yet. i woud still be stuck in this or feeling way guilty for leaving her. i am seeing this all as a lesson. after all these years i finally learned how i want to be treated in a relationship. i was always a pleaser and put all my needs aside. i don't need much, but i need what i need. this round with her seemed different because, although high, was meeting those needs. but that wouldn't have lasted. so, yes, we deserve to happy.
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Steve - I haven't read all your post's but what I have read I might as well be you & you might as well be me.
Everything I have read I felt/feel and the helplessness is something I have never in my life experienced, it hurt me to my core!
I am going to read all you post's later on as I have an appointment to go to.
I will get back soon.
I just wanted to say how moved I was by what I did read and how similar your reactions and feelings are to mine. xx
Everything I have read I felt/feel and the helplessness is something I have never in my life experienced, it hurt me to my core!
I am going to read all you post's later on as I have an appointment to go to.
I will get back soon.
I just wanted to say how moved I was by what I did read and how similar your reactions and feelings are to mine. xx
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surprisingly i am dealing rather well despite the unanswered questions that remain. no contact is probabably the best thing that could have happened for me, but it makes for some unknowns. and the the unknown that keeps popping up is- is she getting clean, still using, on methadone, basically has she taken any steps? i know there is no answer for me and i know that this should not be my concern, but it still has not totally gone yet, so i have to process it. my guess is that nothing has changed, but dang i want to know.
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Don't kid yourself about this new relationship. He is clean~~she is not. If she hasn't worked any kind of program this relationship will end just like hers and yours did.She has someone new now to fool~~~while it lasts. Please consider yourself lucky. Go through the phrases and get out and enjoy yourself with clean, nice, caring people. My heart goes out to you but your finally doing a good job. Smiles, Bonnie
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Steve - I was with my partner for 20yrs up until last year.
When I first heard the advice to walk away, no contact etc, I panicked inside and wouldn't believe that's what I should do, so I hung on and let my standards drop dramatically.
I allowed stuff to happen that ordinarily I wouldn't of, I also believed him totally as up to then I had no reason not to. So when we discussed the drugs issue and he kept saying he was gonna stop, but he didn't I was then confused & the feeling of helplessness was immense.
I felt like I was prepared to do almost anything to resolve this madness.
I knew things were very wrong and I could feel him slipping slowly away, and yet I still hung on, by that time doing crazy things like following him and hovering around watching him, riding my bike late at night into areas I knew I shouldn't be in (therefore putting myself in danger)
It was the first time in our relationship that he had not included me and it frightened me so much that my reaction to it was unbalanced.
This went on for quite a long time and I kept on thinking I can't give up until I've done everything possible, when I should of just walked away.
Eventually his time away doing drugs got longer & longer until he just wasn't here no more.
I now know that there was nothing I could have done it is his choice to do drugs and I should of let go of him sooner.
I still feel sad inside & I still miss him and it still doesn't make sense (totally) to me.
When I first heard the advice to walk away, no contact etc, I panicked inside and wouldn't believe that's what I should do, so I hung on and let my standards drop dramatically.
I allowed stuff to happen that ordinarily I wouldn't of, I also believed him totally as up to then I had no reason not to. So when we discussed the drugs issue and he kept saying he was gonna stop, but he didn't I was then confused & the feeling of helplessness was immense.
I felt like I was prepared to do almost anything to resolve this madness.
I knew things were very wrong and I could feel him slipping slowly away, and yet I still hung on, by that time doing crazy things like following him and hovering around watching him, riding my bike late at night into areas I knew I shouldn't be in (therefore putting myself in danger)
It was the first time in our relationship that he had not included me and it frightened me so much that my reaction to it was unbalanced.
This went on for quite a long time and I kept on thinking I can't give up until I've done everything possible, when I should of just walked away.
Eventually his time away doing drugs got longer & longer until he just wasn't here no more.
I now know that there was nothing I could have done it is his choice to do drugs and I should of let go of him sooner.
I still feel sad inside & I still miss him and it still doesn't make sense (totally) to me.
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