closer

Old 10-20-2010, 01:31 PM
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closer

i still feel the gears and cogs slowly turning toward me getting better. i was so used to being down and lost in this that i think part of me did not want to get better. it was comfortable where i was at or thinking that this was still the beginning and it was ok (meaning when she and i started to hang again when i first went looking for her).

now that i at least have a slght pull in the other direction, i see that change is possible. still painful.

i am finding that my feelings are becoming less extreme and intense. every day though i see her become part of the timeless fog.

just last night she came to my house unexpectedly and crying again about some drama. i don;t even feel like getting into it all. i apparently did not act concerned enough because she was saying how it seems like i dont like her any more. i didn't respond to much of anything.

and, i don't feel like goingthrough the rest of the stuff, because it's all the same stuff. i am just burnt out, done, tired of it and i am liking the time i am having free from this.

i do fear her not letting me go and the drama that may ensue. i hope it doesnt get ugly.

i miss my life now that i am beginning to remember it.

disclaimer: the above statement does not mean that i will not waiver, fall again, or step backwards. it is at least a big step forward.
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Old 10-20-2010, 01:49 PM
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(((Steve)))
It sounds like you are experiencing a process that many of us have. I dug in deep too, because I was so enmeshed in my son's struggle that I abandoned my own life in the process.
This became true for me:
When the pain of letting go, becomes less than the pain of holding on, then you can let go.
We all stumble a bit, especially at the beginning, but I too missed my old life. I was happy more than sad, which was not the case once addiction hit.

I am happy now. Sure, things aren't perfect, but they are good.

You'll get there too, if you want to bad enough.

Congratulations on the big step forward!
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Old 10-20-2010, 01:56 PM
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Steve, try and remember just how long this has been going on. Has anything changed on her part? Remember how many mornings you wake up thinking if she is going to kame it through the day.......your a mess~~~and "Yes" she made it through the day. Something has to change and that answer is~~~~if she can't, you must! If your her sounding board and that board is takin' away~~she just may realize that she has noone to talk to...Give it a try. I know its hard. I had a terrible time cutting the cords but once its done you just "Might" see a little change in her. Nothing is garenteed here but if nothing changes, nothing changes... Smiles, Bonnie
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Old 10-20-2010, 01:57 PM
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That second sentence should have read~~~~~make it through the day.....
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Old 10-20-2010, 02:22 PM
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Yea Steve!! It is exhausting and the drama gets repetitive. Her saying 'you don't care about me as much' is also manipulation pure and simple. You do care, you have been put through too much with her. My prediction is that you will begin to get tired of the drama and slowly resentments and even anger may start to creep in. Sometimes anger is healthy. You are holding so much in and you don't know it yet.

I'm getting to an anger phase with my ABF. I've given a lot of myself and I have been extraordinarily patient but I am emotionally drained as well. They have NO idea how much this can take out of us. Even in recovery I don't think they understand a fraction of how the sadness and worry takes over. And how f-ing tiring it is!

Good for you...
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Old 10-20-2010, 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted by steve1840 View Post
i miss my life now that i am beginning to remember it.
So, go out and live it. It's your life, and you only get one, so you might as well make the best of it
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