New here and dont know how to handle this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 11
New here and dont know how to handle this.
Hello everyone.. I am new here and hope that this group helps me and gives me some answers. My oldest son 28 years old, Iraqi vet, is an alcoholic and cocaine addict. I found out he was using months ago and did an intervention, he promised me that he would stop. I know who he is and was using with, who he was getting it from, I knew it all. Apparently, he was clean, so he says for the last month and 4 days, when I got a call from his friend telling me he was rushed to the hospital. He almost died from a cocaine OD. They of course let him out the same day once he was stabilized but he is angry. He got scared, knows he almost died, yet he is angry. He went to see a counselor the next day and said he is going to stick with it but he wants me basically out of his life. Out in the sense that he doesnt want me to bud in anymore. He said I smother him. So I need to learn the art of detachment and also, how does this work that I am paying for his therapy now, I have lied to family about what happened to him, lied to his landlord who said if its drugs she wants him out, lied to his friends wife that no, it wasnt drugs and your husband isnt doing them too etc.. He wants me out but he wants me to cover for him too. I do not want to lie to these people. I already did though and compromised myself.
I know I am speed writing here, my point is that I love my son and I dont want to bury him. My God he made it home from the war and I dont want to see him kill himself like this.. I need some help. Please.
I know I am speed writing here, my point is that I love my son and I dont want to bury him. My God he made it home from the war and I dont want to see him kill himself like this.. I need some help. Please.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 157
Welcome to SR. I'm so sorry you are having such difficulites. I would say that as much as you want too, you can't control his behavior. Please take some time and read the postings in here, they can help, and if I may suggest it, finding a local Al-Anon or nar-anon meeting would be a good idea. Best wishes, things can get better!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Welcome to SR, beenthere, and I am sorry for your pain and fear.
I have a 32 year old addict daughter, and am a recovering alcoholic/addict myself.
I second the suggestion of finding Naranon or Alanon meetings in your area for face-to-face support among others who understand. Alanon tends to be more widely available.
Get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye-opener for me.
May I ask why you are paying for his therapy? He is an adult, and should be able to get counseling through the VA, yes?
Also, AA and NA are free. The Salvation Army has an excellent rehab program that is free.
I hope you continue to post here at SR, and know that you are among friends who understand.
I have a 32 year old addict daughter, and am a recovering alcoholic/addict myself.
I second the suggestion of finding Naranon or Alanon meetings in your area for face-to-face support among others who understand. Alanon tends to be more widely available.
Get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye-opener for me.
May I ask why you are paying for his therapy? He is an adult, and should be able to get counseling through the VA, yes?
Also, AA and NA are free. The Salvation Army has an excellent rehab program that is free.
I hope you continue to post here at SR, and know that you are among friends who understand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 11
Thank you for replying. I am paying for his therapy because he wanted to see the therapist he saw when he was little and me and his dad went through a divorce. He is also someone that helped me with my addictions when I was a teenager as well. He cannot go through the VA because if it is an illegal substance the VA turns you in and you are thrown into the brig or sent over sea's back to war. He suffers from PTSD already. Thats their answer to help.
He did tell me that he was finding an NA meeting place yesterday. I just cannot lie for him anymore. He has no money, it apparently all went to the coke and I lost my job, I cant afford to pay his bills as well. I will be looking for a meeting in my area, I just thought I felt more comfortable online first. I am very co-dependant on my kids. I know this. I do smother. I guess because for so many years it was just them and me. I over compensated for what I didnt get as a child and made it worse with my own. I never thought I would go through this. Being an addict myself didnt seem as hard. My parents never knew, they were so blind. I sometimes wish I were blind as well.
He did tell me that he was finding an NA meeting place yesterday. I just cannot lie for him anymore. He has no money, it apparently all went to the coke and I lost my job, I cant afford to pay his bills as well. I will be looking for a meeting in my area, I just thought I felt more comfortable online first. I am very co-dependant on my kids. I know this. I do smother. I guess because for so many years it was just them and me. I over compensated for what I didnt get as a child and made it worse with my own. I never thought I would go through this. Being an addict myself didnt seem as hard. My parents never knew, they were so blind. I sometimes wish I were blind as well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
As much as you love him, you simply cannot continue to protect him from the consequences of his choices (well, you could, but you'd drown in the process). Your son is right in that you need to step waaaaay back, as in, no more funds for counselling as well. There are other free options available to him; he is simply not willing to consider them because you are offering an "easier" way out for him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 11
My problem is I did lie. I lied to his friends wife, I lied to his landlord. I lied to his grandfather, thats my dad who loves Tim more than anything. I am remarried now to a much younger guy (different story for a different board I think, considering I am not happy), and I have 2 other kids as well. 20 and 25 years old, but technically I am a single parent. I am in therapy for overcompensating now. Who would have thought. Who would have thought loving your kids too much was a bad thing. I just dont know where to back off with Tim and where to stand by him. I feel like after he almost just died a part of me wants to stake out his house at night to make sure he is OK. Thats sick, or am I normal.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Back when, I too lied for and about my daughter to people I had no business talking to. When I look back on this time, I think the lies were to keep me in denial. That it really was not that bad and of course to ease the guilt because it must have been something I did, or not, along the way, that caused her to make horrible choices.
I just read something Ann posted on this forum, today that resonated with me. In case you have not seen it, here it is:
"For me, detachment means letting go of my obsession to control. If I can accept someone as they are, and not try to manipulate what they "should" do or how they should do it, then I know I have been successful.
If I cannot, then I need to step back and look at why I am so obsessed with controlling the outcome. And that part is about me, not them."
You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.
Your son owns his addiction and recovery.
I just read something Ann posted on this forum, today that resonated with me. In case you have not seen it, here it is:
"For me, detachment means letting go of my obsession to control. If I can accept someone as they are, and not try to manipulate what they "should" do or how they should do it, then I know I have been successful.
If I cannot, then I need to step back and look at why I am so obsessed with controlling the outcome. And that part is about me, not them."
You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.
Your son owns his addiction and recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 11
I think I lied to make sure he still had a place to live and his friends. All I could think was, oh my God, if he loses these things he is going to really kill himself next time.. I really believe I didnt lie for me, I lied for him to save him.. I know, I cant save him can I ....
I feel bad for it but its done now. I wont lie in the future and if they are to ask me again, I will direct them to my son. He can look them in the eye and lie. I wont anymore. Its my father who is dying that hurts me the most having to lie to him. If he finds out, he will disown me.
I really can only hope my son gets the help he needs, I am here, I am looking for the help that I need. I have stood up and said, hello, my name is Francine and my son is a cocaine addict and alcoholic. I have no fear in that. I have a fear in the fact that someone can almost die and continue that behavior. Even when I was a user, I never came to that point. I hope this scared him enough.
I feel bad for it but its done now. I wont lie in the future and if they are to ask me again, I will direct them to my son. He can look them in the eye and lie. I wont anymore. Its my father who is dying that hurts me the most having to lie to him. If he finds out, he will disown me.
I really can only hope my son gets the help he needs, I am here, I am looking for the help that I need. I have stood up and said, hello, my name is Francine and my son is a cocaine addict and alcoholic. I have no fear in that. I have a fear in the fact that someone can almost die and continue that behavior. Even when I was a user, I never came to that point. I hope this scared him enough.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((Francine))),
I hear so much of myself in your post. I understand your fear, your love, and that you are wanting the best for your son. I really understand. I am happy that you found this forum.
Stick around and you will get great support, compassion, some tough love at times, and healing for yourself, which it sounds like you need. I am sure that you have been through a lot, and have a lot of fears. You cant change your son, but you can change you, which will help you to get out of the way of his recovery.
Read the stickies at the top. There is a lot of good stuff here to read, and the 12 steps are great too.
There is a lot of hard stuff that you will need to learn. I am in the process myself, and I have started going to al-anon.
bless you, and keep posting,
chicory
I hear so much of myself in your post. I understand your fear, your love, and that you are wanting the best for your son. I really understand. I am happy that you found this forum.
Stick around and you will get great support, compassion, some tough love at times, and healing for yourself, which it sounds like you need. I am sure that you have been through a lot, and have a lot of fears. You cant change your son, but you can change you, which will help you to get out of the way of his recovery.
Read the stickies at the top. There is a lot of good stuff here to read, and the 12 steps are great too.
There is a lot of hard stuff that you will need to learn. I am in the process myself, and I have started going to al-anon.
bless you, and keep posting,
chicory
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
working the 12 steps of alanon with a sponsor, reading al-anon literature about detachment and letting go will help you manage your fear, doubt and worry.
While you can offer treatment and offer to pay for it, it is important to have boundaries.
Addicts have to feel their consequences without us smoothing out all their rough edges.
My son went to treatment 3 times, but ea. time he had suffered great losses due to his addiction before he will willing. I had to be patient, and step in and nudge him when he was more apt to be willing.
While you can offer treatment and offer to pay for it, it is important to have boundaries.
Addicts have to feel their consequences without us smoothing out all their rough edges.
My son went to treatment 3 times, but ea. time he had suffered great losses due to his addiction before he will willing. I had to be patient, and step in and nudge him when he was more apt to be willing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Francine,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I think you may already feel that this is a great message board, and you're right. It has been a GREAT place for me to come to: to learn, commiserate, to get clarity when my head is spinning.
Please try and not dwell on the past. You did some things you now realize probably weren't the best. Back then you didn't have the hindsight to know what you now do. So cut yourself slack, and work on what you can change: the ways you love your children and show that love. And the ways you love yourself.
Peace...
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I think you may already feel that this is a great message board, and you're right. It has been a GREAT place for me to come to: to learn, commiserate, to get clarity when my head is spinning.
Please try and not dwell on the past. You did some things you now realize probably weren't the best. Back then you didn't have the hindsight to know what you now do. So cut yourself slack, and work on what you can change: the ways you love your children and show that love. And the ways you love yourself.
Peace...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I want to welcome to SR......but I'm so sorry for the common thread that brings us all here.
Your son has given you some really really good advice. We can't want sobriety for them more than they want it for themselves. If love could cure addiction, I don't think any of us would be here.
It sounds like you've been taking care of others for a very long time. Perhaps it's time to turn some of that loving attention toward a person who deserves it the most....you.
gentle hugs
Your son has given you some really really good advice. We can't want sobriety for them more than they want it for themselves. If love could cure addiction, I don't think any of us would be here.
It sounds like you've been taking care of others for a very long time. Perhaps it's time to turn some of that loving attention toward a person who deserves it the most....you.
gentle hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 11
Thank you all so much for making me feel so welcome. I am going to benefit from being here. I do have to pull back from ALL my kids. My life has been a challenge. I left an abusive (verbally) husband. Went into an abusive job ( they accused me of having AIDS and all sorts of other things), I needed that job though, it paid well and I needed the healthcare benefits because I have an autoimmune disease (not lupus but like lupus). They fired me after 10 years with no explanation at all. I have my 20 years old who is like a 15 year old because when his older brother went into the army he fell into a depression and didnt leave his room. Now he is out of his room and doing all the things that you would think a 15 year old would do. (Experimenting with drugs, though he said he is done with that, drinking which he has now said he hasnt touched in months). He also was just diagnosed with Chiari Malformation, that when part of the brain falls down into the spinal canal. If it gets bad enough, brain surgery is needed.
My daughter who is 25 lives with me, her husband left her during he second pregnancy. SO therefore my 2 grandchildren ages 4 and 3 months live with me also. I rent a small house.
I have been remarried for 2 years now to a man I thought I knew and found out I would never have married him. I should have known better. No I wasnt lonely without him, I was alone for 10 years but dated etc... I just really thought he was the one. He was.... the one I should have stayed away from. 12 years younger than me, and a baby. I live in a sexless marriage, sorry for bringing that up, I dont even know if I was allowed. We are just basically roommates without the benefits. I am a former user and alcoholic myself. I am also a cutter.. Which I have been trying not to do but I know that cant last much longer. I am going to fall with that very soon.
I can now have a drink and thats it. I dont have to have any more than that. No excuses being made here. I was an alcoholic as a teenager, I am 45 now. I was heavily heavily into PCP, Quaaludes, valium and the drinking, I also dabbled in coke for like a year but it wasnt for me.
Now I have my son, 28 in a couple of weeks who almost dies. He was my reason for sobering up. I had him at 17. I am addicted to my kids because its all I have ever known and I never got attention when I was a kid. My mother was abusive because my father was an alcoholic. He NEVER drank in front of us or on the weekends which is odd, but we never saw him at all during the week. He was also a good provider. He is now dying, end stage emphysema and it has now started affecting his heart. I have a good relationship with him, not my mom.
Oh well, there is my life in a nutshell. I am sorry for the rant here. I guess I needed to get some of that out. I still have to read the rules of this board so forgive me if I crossed the line anywhere. I just dont want to lose my son to cocaine. I dont want to lose any of them to anything.
My daughter who is 25 lives with me, her husband left her during he second pregnancy. SO therefore my 2 grandchildren ages 4 and 3 months live with me also. I rent a small house.
I have been remarried for 2 years now to a man I thought I knew and found out I would never have married him. I should have known better. No I wasnt lonely without him, I was alone for 10 years but dated etc... I just really thought he was the one. He was.... the one I should have stayed away from. 12 years younger than me, and a baby. I live in a sexless marriage, sorry for bringing that up, I dont even know if I was allowed. We are just basically roommates without the benefits. I am a former user and alcoholic myself. I am also a cutter.. Which I have been trying not to do but I know that cant last much longer. I am going to fall with that very soon.
I can now have a drink and thats it. I dont have to have any more than that. No excuses being made here. I was an alcoholic as a teenager, I am 45 now. I was heavily heavily into PCP, Quaaludes, valium and the drinking, I also dabbled in coke for like a year but it wasnt for me.
Now I have my son, 28 in a couple of weeks who almost dies. He was my reason for sobering up. I had him at 17. I am addicted to my kids because its all I have ever known and I never got attention when I was a kid. My mother was abusive because my father was an alcoholic. He NEVER drank in front of us or on the weekends which is odd, but we never saw him at all during the week. He was also a good provider. He is now dying, end stage emphysema and it has now started affecting his heart. I have a good relationship with him, not my mom.
Oh well, there is my life in a nutshell. I am sorry for the rant here. I guess I needed to get some of that out. I still have to read the rules of this board so forgive me if I crossed the line anywhere. I just dont want to lose my son to cocaine. I dont want to lose any of them to anything.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by beentherebefore 
Thank you all so much for making me feel so welcome. I am going to benefit from being here. I do have to pull back from ALL my kids. My life has been a challenge. I left an abusive (verbally) husband. Went into an abusive job ( they accused me of having AIDS and all sorts of other things), I needed that job though, it paid well and I needed the healthcare benefits because I have an autoimmune disease (not lupus but like lupus). They fired me after 10 years with no explanation at all. I have my 20 years old who is like a 15 year old because when his older brother went into the army he fell into a depression and didnt leave his room. Now he is out of his room and doing all the things that you would think a 15 year old would do. (Experimenting with drugs, though he said he is done with that, drinking which he has now said he hasnt touched in months). He also was just diagnosed with Chiari Malformation, that when part of the brain falls down into the spinal canal. If it gets bad enough, brain surgery is needed.
My daughter who is 25 lives with me, her husband left her during he second pregnancy. SO therefore my 2 grandchildren ages 4 and 3 months live with me also. I rent a small house.
I have been remarried for 2 years now to a man I thought I knew and found out I would never have married him. I should have known better. No I wasnt lonely without him, I was alone for 10 years but dated etc... I just really thought he was the one. He was.... the one I should have stayed away from. 12 years younger than me, and a baby. I live in a sexless marriage, sorry for bringing that up, I dont even know if I was allowed. We are just basically roommates without the benefits. I am a former user and alcoholic myself. I am also a cutter.. Which I have been trying not to do but I know that cant last much longer. I am going to fall with that very soon.
I can now have a drink and thats it. I dont have to have any more than that. No excuses being made here. I was an alcoholic as a teenager, I am 45 now. I was heavily heavily into PCP, Quaaludes, valium and the drinking, I also dabbled in coke for like a year but it wasnt for me.
Now I have my son, 28 in a couple of weeks who almost dies. He was my reason for sobering up. I had him at 17. I am addicted to my kids because its all I have ever known and I never got attention when I was a kid. My mother was abusive because my father was an alcoholic. He NEVER drank in front of us or on the weekends which is odd, but we never saw him at all during the week. He was also a good provider. He is now dying, end stage emphysema and it has now started affecting his heart. I have a good relationship with him, not my mom.
Oh well, there is my life in a nutshell. I am sorry for the rant here. I guess I needed to get some of that out. I still have to read the rules of this board so forgive me if I crossed the line anywhere. I just dont want to lose my son to cocaine. I dont want to lose any of them to anything.
My daughter who is 25 lives with me, her husband left her during he second pregnancy. SO therefore my 2 grandchildren ages 4 and 3 months live with me also. I rent a small house.
I have been remarried for 2 years now to a man I thought I knew and found out I would never have married him. I should have known better. No I wasnt lonely without him, I was alone for 10 years but dated etc... I just really thought he was the one. He was.... the one I should have stayed away from. 12 years younger than me, and a baby. I live in a sexless marriage, sorry for bringing that up, I dont even know if I was allowed. We are just basically roommates without the benefits. I am a former user and alcoholic myself. I am also a cutter.. Which I have been trying not to do but I know that cant last much longer. I am going to fall with that very soon.
I can now have a drink and thats it. I dont have to have any more than that. No excuses being made here. I was an alcoholic as a teenager, I am 45 now. I was heavily heavily into PCP, Quaaludes, valium and the drinking, I also dabbled in coke for like a year but it wasnt for me.
Now I have my son, 28 in a couple of weeks who almost dies. He was my reason for sobering up. I had him at 17. I am addicted to my kids because its all I have ever known and I never got attention when I was a kid. My mother was abusive because my father was an alcoholic. He NEVER drank in front of us or on the weekends which is odd, but we never saw him at all during the week. He was also a good provider. He is now dying, end stage emphysema and it has now started affecting his heart. I have a good relationship with him, not my mom.
Oh well, there is my life in a nutshell. I am sorry for the rant here. I guess I needed to get some of that out. I still have to read the rules of this board so forgive me if I crossed the line anywhere. I just dont want to lose my son to cocaine. I dont want to lose any of them to anything.
Francine,
The one thing that I have learned from this site is that no matter what you have done, no matter what is happening, there seems to be nothing that can hold you back from recovery, if you choose.
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that you will read the posts here, some of the posts from the past , and get involved in the steps-12 steps. As they say, nothing changes if nothing changes. Please know that there is hope. There are many forums here- there is a self-harm forum too. I get help and learn from so many of them. it is very interesting to learn from all angles and views.
I have heard many stories like yours here. so have heart, there is always hope.
hugs,
chicory
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by keepinon
I would like to suggest codependant no more and don't let your kids kill you as reading.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 11
OK so may I ask another question on how to handle this because I am ready to blow over this topic.. My father is dying. Tim (my son) and my dad are close or used to be, my father relied a lot on Tim, paid for his way, never ever told tim no on anything he needed help with and now my dad needs his help and my son wont even go over there and visit him or even attempt to call him.
My son just called me to say hello and I told him that grandpa was asking for him and wanted to know if he could come over this saturday to help him with some things, I know my dad probably wants him over to help with male things like sitting with him when he showers etc... And my son tells me, grandpa doesnt need me, he is fine. I am probably busy Saturday anyway.. I swear I want to go there and punch him. I would never let my dad know this, he doesnt know that my son was in the hospital and OD'd, and PS they were in the same hospital as well, my dad upstairs, my son in trauma.
How do I handle this. These are probably stupid questions but once again, I have everyone in the family that knew Tim was at one time using coke and they do nothing but ask me questions and here I go with the lies again..
My son just called me to say hello and I told him that grandpa was asking for him and wanted to know if he could come over this saturday to help him with some things, I know my dad probably wants him over to help with male things like sitting with him when he showers etc... And my son tells me, grandpa doesnt need me, he is fine. I am probably busy Saturday anyway.. I swear I want to go there and punch him. I would never let my dad know this, he doesnt know that my son was in the hospital and OD'd, and PS they were in the same hospital as well, my dad upstairs, my son in trauma.
How do I handle this. These are probably stupid questions but once again, I have everyone in the family that knew Tim was at one time using coke and they do nothing but ask me questions and here I go with the lies again..
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
