Is this a relapse?

Old 10-17-2010, 06:25 PM
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Is this a relapse?

Is this a relapse for a codie?

Here's the short of it. Husband is a recovering meth addict (sober for 2-ish years). We're kind of a "couple in recovery" for lack of a better term.

Things, for the most part, go smoothly. Every now and then, suspicion rears its ugly head, bitterness, anger (on my part). Sometimes he has his tiffs about his part in it all.

But, this morning I was cleaning up the house. The parents are coming tomorrow and I like things to be super clean. I found a journal of his that he'd asked me about the week before: have you see my journal? It's blue, it has my writing in it, has some notes about my music. If you see it, let me know.

Low and behold, I find said_journal and I open it to a random page and what do I find inside? A letter he'd "written to me" back when he had relapsed (but did not tell me that he relapsed).

Dear ZW, I slipped.

That's how it started. I didn't read the rest. I didn't thumb through it. But, what did I do instead? I jumped to the worst possible conclusion--that he's using again. So, instead of walking up to him and asking him about it, I just start accusing him, telling him not to lie to me, how DARE he even think about lying to me, that he'd lied in the past and why should I believe him. And the evil monster inside me just came out and let him have it.

Now, let's be clear, this relapse occurred back during a time when I knew he was using anyway. Okay. He wasn't as slick back then as he thought. He asked me to get the book (which pissed him off that I had read his private journal) and then asked me to read the date at the top. Over 2 years ago. Ok, I get it, I get it.

Then, he left for 15 minutes, got a home test kid, peed on it and brought me the results. Didn't ask me if I wanted him to do it, just went and did it.

We argued on and off for 4 friggin' hours, then it ended with us both realizing that though we have come so far, we have a LONG ways to go.

I'm ashamed of how I reacted. I thought I was past that kind of hysteria. We're on the other side of "the crisis" now. We've agreed to start couples counseling. I feel like we need some tools here to navigate through this. This is all new territory for me, for him. I have no idea what I'm doing, even though I follow steps, go to naranon meetings. I need more.

Thank you for reading. I just needed to talk about what happened. Ugh. Save me from myself.
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Old 10-17-2010, 06:36 PM
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ZW sounds like a codie relapse but then we live with so many lies and deceptions, it takes a very long time to trust again. Just as when the addict relapses, we can't just give up and continue those codies behaviors because we slipped up. We recognize it as the relapse it was and get back on the recovery path as quickly as possible. And forgive ourselves.

gentle hugs
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Old 10-17-2010, 06:37 PM
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We argued on and off for 4 friggin' hours, then it ended with us both realizing that though we have come so far, we have a LONG ways to go.

Sorry to hear about this ZW, but in the end you both learned something about yourselves. Though the argument sucks, that insight that you gained is meaningful. Peace and God bless.
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Old 10-17-2010, 06:41 PM
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hi ZW, I wish I had advice, but I just want to say that I think you're so strong and level-headed. Maybe I'm crazy, but it seems like a positive thing that he really wants to assure you by taking a test and showing you the date on the letter. It seems like he's accepted that his own past actions have brought him to a place where it's in his hands to make you feel confident about his current actions.

It's obvious that there's a lot of love and understanding between the two of you, and couple's counseling is probably a good thing. You want to work on things and learn how to build a stronger bond without the hysteria. It's great that you're both willing to do the hard work that comes with re-building a good relationship.
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Old 10-17-2010, 07:01 PM
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My rule to everyone is never, never look in my will hurt you and upset you needessly because that is where I dump and work out all my insanity.

ZW, I do get where you are coming from totally. It seems pretty clear that you all are going to work things out and come out more strongly than ever and it's a good love.
You have obviously put alot of work into it and yourself.

and, BTW, while I am here..I was just thinking last night I ought to tell you how tickled I get everytime I see your avatar..that is so funny and real!

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Old 10-17-2010, 07:15 PM
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Thank you all for the kindness. I agree that it takes so long to trust again, but sometimes I think I project things that aren't really there. Why? Because sometimes I feel like I need to keep one step ahead of him, just in case.

You know what bothers me (about how I reacted and such). Is that he read the rest of the journal entry to me out loud and it was a very raw, honest journal entry about his struggle with addiction and how he felt afterwards, etc. But, what kept going through my mind when I heard it was, "when exactly did this take place (in terms of what was going on in our lives), where, how, who he got it from, etc." All of those demons came rushing at me again. I hate it when my mind goes there.

Finally, Live, I love the avatar, too! I saw that picture somewhere else and just had to use it. My cat is probably upstairs right now doing that very thing. Naughty kitty.
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:38 AM
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I think that it's very easy for us codies to fall back into the he(( that we came from. I think it's been so bad and we're so fearful of ever going back. It's understandable how you reacted. The fact that he handled it so well should be another stepping stone in building your trust for him shouldn't it? For me it would be. Shake it off ZW - you're back on track now and imho he added another rung in the ladder of trust he's trying to build.
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