Is this a relapse for a codie?
Here's the short of it. Husband is a recovering meth addict (sober for 2-ish years). We're kind of a "couple in recovery" for lack of a better term.
Things, for the most part, go smoothly. Every now and then, suspicion rears its ugly head, bitterness, anger (on my part). Sometimes he has his tiffs about his part in it all.
But, this morning I was cleaning up the house. The parents are coming tomorrow and I like things to be super clean. I found a journal of his that he'd asked me about the week before: have you see my journal? It's blue, it has my writing in it, has some notes about my music. If you see it, let me know.
Low and behold, I find said_journal and I open it to a random page and what do I find inside? A letter he'd "written to me" back when he had relapsed (but did not tell me that he relapsed).
Dear ZW, I slipped.
That's how it started. I didn't read the rest. I didn't thumb through it. But, what did I do instead? I jumped to the worst possible conclusion--that he's using again. So, instead of walking up to him and asking him about it, I just start accusing him, telling him not to lie to me, how DARE he even think about lying to me, that he'd lied in the past and why should I believe him. And the evil monster inside me just came out and let him have it.
Now, let's be clear, this relapse occurred back during a time when I knew he was using anyway. Okay. He wasn't as slick back then as he thought. He asked me to get the book (which pissed him off that I had read his private journal) and then asked me to read the date at the top. Over 2 years ago. Ok, I get it, I get it.
Then, he left for 15 minutes, got a home test kid, peed on it and brought me the results. Didn't ask me if I wanted him to do it, just went and did it.
We argued on and off for 4 friggin' hours, then it ended with us both realizing that though we have come so far, we have a LONG ways to go.
I'm ashamed of how I reacted. I thought I was past that kind of hysteria. We're on the other side of "the crisis" now. We've agreed to start couples counseling. I feel like we need some tools here to navigate through this. This is all new territory for me, for him. I have no idea what I'm doing, even though I follow steps, go to naranon meetings. I need more.
Thank you for reading. I just needed to talk about what happened. Ugh. Save me from myself.
