Chino

"Actions, not words"

That was one of the first things I learned here, and it applies to both addict and enabler. Another one is "NO is a complete sentence."

I can't make anyone understand or respect me. I can't control anyone's thoughts or actions. But I can control myself and my reactions.

Still Waters

You cannot reason with an active alcoholic (nor with a dry alcoholic for that matter). It's useless to even try. What would I do? I'd do what I did, I'd leave while he was not at home and never go back.

Otherwise, tell him what he wants to hear to shut him up until you can get safely away. There is a sticky post here in the forum, about how to plan a safe getaway.

goldengirl3

sailorjohn - I want silence and to be left alone. Please stop project your own codie issues on me. You are seeing it your way and your situation and projecting and assuming I'm trying to fix or change another person. I want my life and to be left alone. But thank you for coming here.

sailorjohn

Whoa, that was harsh. But back to the original posts-we're merely sharing our experience, one of the most depressing things about addicts/alcoholics, they all act the same, for the most part.

As do codependents.

If you truly want to be left alone, then you will take the suggestions of some of the other recovering people here.

But, like most of us-probably all of us-these are lessons you'll need to learn on your own.

Good Luck.

An insincere 'good luck' would have been followed by an exclamation point.

goldengirl3

I'm sorry sailorjohn - I meant to be left alone by him...if that's what you are thinking.

And I do agree...unfortunately for the most part we all have to learn the lessons on our own.

My point was that I do not want something to say to make an addict go, "Ah ha! She saved me." I want to stop subjecting myself to emotional abuse and control.

Live

He'll have no respect for anything you say..so trying to find the right thing to say really doesn't make a bit of difference.

His behavior is abusive with or without alcohol.

He makes everything about what he wants...you don't have to.

I am sure he will redouble his efforts as he senses your wish to be free of this insanity...but you deserve to live that quiet, peaceful, free life you want for yourself, you deserve that and I hope you will remember that when there is chaos.,,,

He creates chaos to keep you involved in his "list" instead of the overall picture..it deflects you from the clarity of your own mind and creates confusion.

keepinon

A suggestion, reread your own posts. Your life sounds like a living hell of complete control by an alcoholic.There appears to be nothing worth saving at this point. Do you got to AA or Alanon meetings? Those may be really helpful to you . It's going to be hard enough staying sober, let alone under these circumstances. Focus on what you need..you call your own BF a bully ..who doesn't even care about your HEALTH, much less your happiness..these are problems that may be best addressed by leaving the relationship.

SlvrMag

This is all very scary, it is going to escalate. I would RUN, not walk. This is only the beginning of the abuse to come. You are in danger sweetie, if he does not beat you now, what will you do if he does?

goldengirl3

It is. I had tried attending Alanon a few years ago. I went to different groups multiple times. I didn't get much out of it. The problems described weren't helpful for me to understand. Such as..."if the alcoholic passes out in the yard. Leave him to wake up in shame. Do not take care of the alcoholic." None of those problems were really what I was dealing with. "Don't worry about the alcoholic blaming you for his drinking." I'm not blamed for his drinking. I'm blamed for all of his problems such as if friends are unhappy and something goes wrong. So I could never understand...

And when I leave...he is mad and I am to blame for his unhappiness and emptiness. (I can only guess?) Because he is angry then too.

I do not understand. And I think my biggest issue is being too self-doubting.

I am seeing a counselor. He is helpful to a degree. My mother was very abusive. I know that is some of where the problem is coming from. She was very controlling.

Live

There's a book by Lundy Bancroft:Inside the Minds of Controlling Men
or something like that..I think you would find it very enlightening.

This really does sound like an eerily dangerous guy.

There's more than alcohol at work here...

outtolunch

No is a complete sentence. When you give your rational ( excuse) for the "No" , you are trying to influence the outcome and it opens the door to negotiations.

That you are financially independent puts you way ahead of the pack. Do you live together? Whose name is on the lease?

laurie6781

Then ...................... you leave.

Why do you continue to interact with someone who is causing you nothing but grief.

You didn't CAUSE this.

You can't CONTROL this.

You can't CURE this.

Leave, move on with your life. You have said you make 'good' money, so for the short term rent an apartment until you know your next step. If you go with a landline, have it UNPUBLISHED. If you only use your cell, block his number(s). Put his emails to 'junk.'

Most of all work on you, read, post, hit some meetings or an additional therapist and work on YOU.

It can and does get better, at least for me, when I took the focus off of 'him' and put it back on 'me.'

J M H O

Love and hugs,

goldengirl3

I have my own apartment.

So anyway.

I have done all of these things before. Block. Block. Block. Crap shows up on my porch. New email addresses are created and used to contact me. Shows up at my job. I even forwarded his emails to HR at his job and he almost got fired. He even took some of my friends. I have no idea what was said on that one. But they took the bait. (and I cut them out of my life...I think the motive may have been to acquire a drinking buddy on their part.) The only problem with "ignoring" those emails...he is very good at getting a rise out of me. It is VERY hard for me not to react. He knows just what button to push on me. I hate it. And I always kick myself after. I can't stop myself in the moment. It's very hard as well...to move on and put it behind you. The pain that the rejection causes...and you are having a nice day thinking, "It's been a week and I feel okay." And then boom. There it is. That message, that email. He will even put it in the subject line so I'm forced to read it. "So when are we going to be friends?" "You don't own the license on pain." "Ideas for Iphone apps." (yes...that one actually happened.)

I have a great career and am well liked at work. I work on things around the house. I try to find new activities to do. I do focus on myself. I take trips with friends when I try to get away from him. I work out. I have 3 cats...that sure keeps me busy.

Some of my things are at his apartment. But I have no problem not getting those back. I would rather just buy new clothes/bike/other things that I keep at his house than to deal with him.

Why do I take it? I think I can't let go of what once was. He isn't bad 24/7. So I go and be with him and poof...there it is. Dang. I was hoping it wouldn't happen again. I should know it will happen because it's happened 1000 times. But in a whole evening or night, I think maybe nothing will happen. I remember the smiling face I once knew that was nice. And he might joke or smile like that guy at some point in the evening. I'm sad that what once was is gone and can't admit that it's never coming back.

I'm laid back to a fault. My mother never allowed us to do anything that wasn't what she wanted. (And generally...that meant nothing at all. Because for the most part she never did anything with me. She was always "out.") So I go along and I go along. I ask to do things I want to do. And then boom. I realize that a few months have gone by and I haven't been able to do anything I would like. It takes me longer than most, but I finally realize I've become bored with always doing what this other person wants to do. And then I push to speak up. And I'm told, "This is how it is." Sometimes it is met in fierce anger. And I there I am...like a timewarp back in time. Wondering what I did wrong.

Believe it or not, I feel a lot better than I once was. At the moment, I am afraid of getting through the holidays with all of this. I don't picture a peaceful time.

I have a hard time with this person's hatred for me. I focus too much on "Why does he hate me when I haven't done anything to him?" It really hurts sometimes. In my world, you hated someone when they did something bad to you. In his world...he hates me because he can't control me or own me or get me to do whatever he wants even if what he wants hurts me.

goldengirl3

By the way...I avoided speaking to him much today and came home for a "gym night." I avoided the stupid list.

I'm thinking at this point...I will do my best to say that I'm not interested and walk out if the reading of the list or lecture of the list occurs.

I don't even want to see him and am trying to focus on am I ready to try to push him away again and not let him back in.

SlvrMag

We are here for you, remember that.
Please stay safe

Freedom1990

That hatred is his own hatred of self, re-directed at you.

My heart hurts for you because I was you at one time.

:ghug3

laurie6781

KEEP A RECORD OF EVERY INCIDENT, as I said earlier, that is

STALKING

In Florida, STALKING IS FROWNED UPON, AND THE LAWS ARE HARSH FOR THE STALKER! Take youR record to the police, tell them he is 'scaring' the 'bejesus' out of you, and you are at your wits end. You need help NOW. You will be referred to a detective, who 'specializes' in stalkings and you will see results.

These actions of his are only going to escalate and make your life worse. By involving law enforcement you will have a powerful force on your side.

Yes, it will probably affect his professional career. Well too bad, he only himself to blame! You will come out the WINNER both professionally and personally and end up with a peaceful and serene life!

You can do this!!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

Kindeyes

goldengirl
There is no way that you can give us your whole story with this man in a post or two but he must have some redeeming qualities.....or you wouldn't be putting up with these behaviors. It sounds like a living hell to me from what you have described.

Detaching is a means of not allowing whatever the A says or does impact your emotional state. It is a self control measure. Unfortunately, when we begin to change, the behaviors of the A often escalate in order to maintain the control of our reactions and emotions.

You've made some steps forward in your own life and, as time goes by and you continue on your path to sobriety, you may find that you discover more changes that you need to employ to better your own situation.

You deserve to be treated with respect and love.

gentle hugs

goldengirl3

I have avoided the list. . He had texted me two nights ago and said that one of us needs to come up with
a compromise. I asked on what? He said "We fight all the time and you don't want to have sex anymore." The reason
I don't want to have sex anymore is because every night he gets drunk and passes out and expects a "morning quickie."
He admits that these are completely for him. Every morning he just tries to wake me up by tapping my shoulder or lightly
stroking my back. Sometimes he will put his arm around and then tell me to "Get the lube. Hop on." I've told him for
weeks that I can't take it anymore. I'm not getting anything out of this. I feel like a piece of meat. He basically
just lays there, I do all the work and get on top. He takes about 3 minutes. He doesn't kiss me, hold me, even open his
eyes and look at me. I have even draped over him and looked bored to see if he pays attention. He doesn't even notice.
He told me yesterday "you can't take away the quickies. That isn't fair." But he refuses to ever do anything else.

He asked me to have lunch with him yesterday to talk. He was very nice. He wanted to talk about a mutual guy friend of
ours had wanted to meet at a bar to watch a game last night. I very calmly said, "We aren't really doing very well
right now and I don't really feel like ignoring that and spending time with this friend." I said, "I don't want to go."
He said, "But I want you to go." I said, "I don't want to drink." I eventually agreed that I would go and drink a diet
coke. And I said, "I will stay for a little while and then probably go home." He said, "you aren't going home with
me?" I said, "No you will be really drunk by then." He later texted and slipped that other guys were going. Basically
it was a guys happy hour. (he sometimes eliminates those details so that I will go.) I texted that I really didn't want
to go and was going to stay home and to go ahead. He later texted me that he decided he was only going to have 2 drinks
and wanted to meet me for dinner. I emphasized, "only if you want to." We decided to stay in. No drinks. It was nice.
We ate dinner and watched tv.

But then this morning...I was in a dead sleep. I felt a hand on my head. In my dream I was moving away from the hand.
I don't know if I did in reality or just the dream. The hand was gently stroking my head. I woke up startled and blurted
out, "Stop it!" It was him. Trying to wake me up. He bolted from the bed yelling. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"
I was still barely awake. I said nothing. Confused. He got up and started his morning routines. I finally got up and
got dressed. We left and he was avoiding me and not saying a word. I finally said, "Are you not speaking to me?"
"Oh yeah..." he said. I said, "You startled me. You woke me up from a dead sleep. I didn't even know what was going
on." He shook his head and said, "No that's Bulls*. I saw you lift your head and look at the clock. If you were asleep
then you just fell right back asleep." I said, "Well then maybe I did. I don't remember looking at the clock. You woke
me from a dead sleep." And he kept shaking his head and said, "No you weren't. I'm tired of you."

He dropped me off at my place. Told me "Don't text my phone a bunch of messages while I'm at work!" I said, "Don't worry
I won't bother you!" I was really mad at myself that I let him get me angry. He told me that I'm selfish.

Am I crazy? Am I really wrong? I feel like I'm in a twilight zone.

My counselor met him for only one session and told me that he is a narcissist.

suki44883

You have a decision to make. Do you want to try to make a go of it or do you want to move on? You are sending mixed signals. You can't block him one day and sleep with him the next. Decide what you want and proceed accordingly.