Jenna1970

Hi all, this is my first time here and I feel so blessed to have stumbled on this site after alot of internet searching reagrding this subject.

I guess I'm looking for some advice. So any and all suggestions and advice is welcome. Thanks in advance!

I started dating a man who I met on an internet dating site a few months ago. He is a gentleman, kind, successful (he's in the entertainment industry), generous, hard working & devoted father. We are in our mid 30's. We share many of the same points of view regarding the world & life in general. We share many of the same life experiences (with the exception of addiction). He has said that he appreciates that I am extremely independent & my own person. He successfully completed a rehab program 20 months ago. He takes his sobreity very seriously and attends his meetings faithfully.

Now here is where I get confused..... he gets very close to me emotionally, then pulls away. (Yes, we have been intimate.) He has repeated that he feels the ability to be completely free and has never felt so close to a woman as he does when we are together. He has even stated that he feels himself becoming "addicted" to me. Yet, I'll go days without hearing from him. Am I paranoid to be concerned that he maybe using again?

Thanks, J

Ann

No, but you are wise to be cautious.

Take the drugs out of the equation...he has periods of time without communicating. How certain are you that he is single?

Add relatively short time sobriety, and it becomes even trickier.

It's entirely up to you what you would like to do with all this, and however it goes for you, make sure that you take care of yourself first.

Hugs

Jenna1970

I'm fairly certin he's single. I've been to his home and looked carefully for any signs of 'extra' companionship. Nada. We've spent the night at each other's homes... my car is even parked in broad daylight in his driveway.

I'm wondering if I'm being overly paranoid about his former lifestyle concerning the long absences... I know he's very busy. He runs 2 companies and has his son 50% of the time. But I don't want to be a fool and get sucked into a nightmare.

I was hoping someone could provide some insight as to what a recovering addict is taught about new realtionships AFTER rehab. I know they are supposed to wait 1 year before beginning a new relationship. But other than that... I don't know alot about recovering addicts and new realtionships.

Thank you.

outtolunch

Most people do not talk about what hopping in the sack means, if anything, before they hop. Sounds like you expected this to lead to daily contact and he does not. Is it possible that when he told you what he values, he was defining himself?

Jenna1970

We clearly talked about expectations before being intimate. I don't believe that's the issue here.

I was inquiring as to what the 'guidelines' are for a recovering addict in regards to a relationship after rehab. As I said... he completed rehab 20 months ago.

suki44883

There are no hard and fast rules. The recovering addict is free to do whatever he or she feels comfortable with. The most important thing is to guard their recovery in all things. It's possible this has nothing at all to do with his recovery and it may just be the way he is. Not everything they do has something to do with recovery, even if they are keeping recovery at the forefront of their actions. Perhaps he is just taking things slowly, or perhaps he isn't into every day contact at this point in the relationship. It's well-known that many times, women feel that everything a guy does is in some way related to them. In fact, it reminds me of an old joke. I'll try to find it.

Jenna1970

Strange because he has always told me that his sponsor has set guidelines for him since exiting rehab.

I guess I'll just be cautious.

Thank you all for your insight.

Kindeyes

Jenna-
Welcome to SR. You've come to a place where there are many people who are walking in your shoes or have walked in your shoes before. Many of us here have dealt with addiction with a loved one in our lives for so very long that it may sound as though we are somewhat jaded (when we may actually be very pragmatic;-).

There are many sayings that are bantered around here that come from great programs for recovering codependents. Some of those sayings are things like "Let go and let God." or "Pay attention to what's inside your own hula hoop." or "Keep your side of the street clean." These are the some of the "guidelines" for us. Those sayings may not make much sense to you but they are guidelines for healthy relationships with an active or recovering addict and actually for relationships in general.

If your new bf hasn't elected to share the guidelines that his sponsor and he have come up with for him, it may be because he is owning them and doesn't want to put you in a position where you may feel the need or desire to "help him" by monitoring his adherence to those guidelines. Does that make sense? It's between him and his sponsor. And that's healthy for a recovering addict.

I hope this helps.

gentle hugs

oshkoshberjosh

20 months sounds like a long time to those of us who have never battled addiction. 20 months is not a long time for someone who is in recovery.

Just my two cents.

Jenna1970

Thank you again... I appreciate the insight. I believe this realtionship may just not be the one for me.

Babyblue

I think you are focusing too much on his recovery as being the issue. Sounds like he is pacing himself and doing the right things. Rushing into anything, esp someone in recovery, isn't good. Not sure what that whole bit about the sponsor means. There are no 'rules' about relationships in recovery. But 20 months isn't that long though. Meaning, he is less fragile than someone 6 months into it but not as strong as someone with 4-5 years under their belt. Seems like he is doing everything he is supposed to in terms of staying sober.

Again, what he is doing (pulling away) may be just who he is in new relationships. My ABF did that at first but he explained that he couldn't risk getting obsessed by a new relationship and had to distance himself to regroup. You should be able to talk to him about it. Maybe there is a simple answer, like he just has a busy life

Jenna1970

Thank you for this... we had a lengthy discussion last night and this is EXACTLY what he said. He doesn't want to trade one addiction (drugs and alcohol) for another (me).

We agreed to work towards certain goals and are totally on the same page now.

Thanks again.

Jenna1970

Would Al Non meeting help me? I was thinking maybe they would help me understand his addiction and recovery better.

suki44883

I think it would help, but don't let it rule your life. Understanding is one thing, but living to "help" them is another. Just take things slowly and let the relationship develop on it's own.

rose

Welcome to SR Jenna!
Has he stated what kind of a relationship he is wanting right now? Maybe he is just wanting some sort of casual relationship and maybe you are wanting a little more...yes, no. You mentioned you have just been seeing him for a few months, not a lot of time to know someone. Your concerns seem to go right to his recovery vs his addiction...is something more giving you some red flags? In such a very short time of knowing him you seem to be very uncertain and already questioning yourself going to al-anon. I am not sure if you have ever been involved with someone in recovery, but one thing is their recovery is always going to come first and in no way should we get in the way of it. Many relationships don't last, it seems funny, we go through all the heartache and pain when they are using and pray for them to get to the point where they are ready to surrender the drugs and get help, then they do and sometimes it can add a whole knew set of relationship problems.

I hope this helped some...Keep posting!

Rose

fourmaggie

YES! YES! it would help you alot!!...you may see things more clearly...and also, if he invites you to a open meeting for his group...GO! you learn so much....if you support him, he will support you too....goes hand in hand...

best of luck in the future, and take your time...no need to rush...ITS A LIFESTYLE....ITS FOR LIFE!!

Jenna1970

This is exactly what I'm afraid of... I've always detested drugs. I've never tolerated them in my life. I'm a bit concerned about the "what ifs....". What if he slips? How will this impact my life? Do I want to go down this road?

ElegantlyWasted

To me the decision on your part is whether you want to invest the time and emotional capital in this thing. ALaNon is a great idea. Know that 20 months can be very early in recovery for some people, but also he could be at a stage where it time for him to connect with people in a meaningful way. I think its healthy concern on you part, not paranoia. I would just tell him that when he goes incommunicado, you have thought that he may be using. Lastinv meaninful relationships are based on effective communication that leads mutual trust IMHO. For me, I would need to address my underlying concerns concerning possible relapse to continue any sort of relationship.

fourmaggie

@JENN1970..I understand what your saying, i really do...BUT we as humans, are not all perfect...what baggage do you have?
just dont be afraid of IT(meaning his slips), because it will happen...but its how you choose to deal with it!!...AL ANON can help not only in the "soberity" issues...but well, in your everyday like...you never know...you may just learn something new about YOU

Jenna1970

I think it's just my lack of knowledge about drugs & alcohol that scare me. I've always distanced myself from it because I've seen secondhand the ravages of the disease.

I guess I've worked so hard to maintain a balanced and 'drama-free' life (I grew up in an emotional turbulent household), that I'm just afraid of not having control over my life if he does have a relapse.

I've decided to just take this one day at a time... but it's hard because he's already wanting to introduce me to family, friends and go on a vacation together.