Babyblue

That you are taking the time to research this and understand your limits and apprehensions are a good sign. A healthy sign. Dating an addict is about communication and realistic expectations. Some are better at it than others. Your guy sounds like he has rebuilt his life and has a lot to lose if he relapses big time. Just keep the dialogue open.

Al-anon may help but for me it is tricky. I seem to detach better when I don't do the al-anon thing. Otherwise I start thinking about him way too much. Or projecting my story onto other stories I hear. It is tricky but at times it is helpful, particularly when I am in a 'bad' spot then Al-anon can be a source of support.

Take it one day at a time.

suki44883

Yeah, I think I'd ask to put that off for a while. For someone who started out slowly, he sure has sped up.

fourmaggie

I am doing research on the DRUG problem and really what it does to a person...not to much alcohol, but in my family we had a sucide and want to LEARN more about it...research is GOOD

aaah, that is not really what AL ANON is for...it for YOU...YOUR RECOVERY...(how do deal with everyday life)yes, they give you support on the ALCOHOLIC in your life...but the words at the beginning of the meeting says..." we do not discuss the alcoholic....DETACHING IS a whole other topic...

Jenna1970

So am I understanding correctly that Al Non would not help me? I guess I just want to understand and be fully educated about drug/alcohol addiction in a potential mate BEFORE I decide to get seriously involved.

Jenna1970

Thank you for the clarification. Can anyone recommend reading materials which may also be of help?

fourmaggie

awesome...that is sort of what I was trying to say..but did not come out that way....

Tatertot

Hi Jenna, sorry I do not come here often and I just read this thread...

I am somewhat in a similar situation as you. I have never used or tolerated drugs (or even smoking) in my life at all (and I am also in my early - mid 30's). I don't even drink. But yet somehow I managed to be really attracted to a recovering addict/alcoholic. We have been together just over 4 months now (although I have known him for longer). And believe me I was REALLY cautious and asked a LOT of questions before deciding to give this relationship a chance. I was very concerned not only for his own recovery, but for both of our sanities!

My guy has about 17 months of recovery now after completing a 6 month program. I know/knew there are risks involved, but I also told myself that I could NOT go into any type of a relationship with doubt in my heart. I trust him completely not to relapse. I know what he needs to do for his recovery and I support him 100% in that. The kind of good thing is that I lead a really busy life too... so we are not able to see each other a LOT, but we do still know what the other person is doing every day and we do talk at least once a day on the phone...

I'm not sure how I would handle it if he just "disappeared" for a few days. I just don't think he would do that without telling me first. I also have a couple of his friends' phone numbers so that I could call them to find out if anything happened... And he has not gone so far as to say he is "addicted" to me, but he has said that I have become an important part of his recovery now. I think that's impossible to avoid when you become involved with a recovering addict. Although he has never once tried to lean on me for "help"... he has his own support system around him who have a LOT more professional experience than I. He regularly attends at least two AA meetings a week, 1 - 2 Bible studies, and also speaks at various "panel meetings" around the city every week. Going to the gym is also a large part of his recovery and he does this at least 3 sometimes 4 times per week. He is a very big step 12er... helping the newcomer is what keeps him strong.

As for Al-anon.... I don't know... I did start going to a few meetings for the EXACT reasons you mentioned... I wanted to learn more about HIM and HIS addictions and recovery... but I quickly learned that's not what the meetings are meant for... although some of the people at the meeting keep talking about all they have learned through Al-anon I found I didn't learn ANYTHING! It was basically just an hour long meeting with people talking about themselves and things that have happened in their lives... I don't learn much from that. Of course I feel for these people and I'm sorry they have had these experiences... the fact is I haven't had those experiences and God willing I never will. I'm not saying Al-anon is a bad place to go, it's not, and it has probably saved countless peoples sanity.... but I'm not sure it's the place for you or I to learn anything. Many times I feel I have nothing to offer because I don't have any of their hard luck stories dealing with addicts/alcoholics... and I even find it somewhat depressing. I'm not saying I will never go again, but I probably won't be a weekly member...

Anyway, I wish you luck in your relationship... definitely take it slow. As for meeting his family I guess it depends on how you feel about him. I know my guy introduced me to his mom and step-dad almost right away and I met his dad and his dad's long term gf last weekend. Both meetings were quite good. His parents definitley support him in his recovery and I think both are glad that he has someone in his life now that has never had any addiciton problems.

So... again good luck and keep us informed... I will check back to see how things are going. Keep strong.

(((HUGS)))

Tatertot

ZombieWife

You have to ask yourself if you're ok with him dropping off the face of the Earth for days at a time when he says how "close" he feels to you when you are together.

If you are just "dating," then he has no obligation to be monogamous.
If you have had the "we're serious, now, and we're a couple" talk, then him disappearing is unacceptable regardless of past/present drug use.