oshkoshberjosh

Once my ex romantic interested started relapsing, his true feelings of infatuation and of love were replaced by a need for me to help him with some other issues in his life...moving etc. due to his relapse. It took me awhile to realize what was going on...that he began to use me because he knew he could count on me.

Today he is incapable of feeling real love. As long as he continues to use, I know that this will be the case.

I imagine this is really true for all active addicts.

coffeedrinker

ditto. me and mine, verbatim. how very sad.

steve,

i have said, and thought, every single word you've written here too.
every single one. every feeling.

with distance, and some decent relationships - the give and take kind - with really decent people, i now look back and realize, sadly, that much of what i believed simply is not true.

you know what it feels like to make a plan with a friend - even a phone call promise - AND THEY FOLLOW THROUGH?? to be on your way to said plan and THEY DONT CANCEL AT THE LAST MINUTE?? to just enjoy the simple but beautiful moments in life with your best friend by your side??

well i do.

now.

it's freakin wonderful.

yes, it is hard. yes, they are mis-er-a-ble. yes, they seem completely powerless to break the horrific cycle. yes, i also think, there is room for compassion. but being so deeply steeped in delusion and denial - about who your special person REALLY is - does you, beautiful and worthy man - a terrible disservice.

you keep posting as much as you like. it is part of your process. one day you will let go, and then one day you won't quite understand why it took you so long.

MaryGoRound

I find it difficult to balance that pitying them, hating them, loving them. Its all very overwhelming. I feel sorry. I seethe with rage. I love tenderly...

But yeah Steve everyone is right. Even thinking for a second they have it bad...allows you to feel exactly what they want you to feel. Sorry for them and that is enabling them to use crutches in a sense. There is no excuse for using and treating ppl the way they treat people. I used to think that b.c my exabf witnessed his mother getting run over and killed by a car was an excuse. And then I met ppl who had been in similar situations...its all no excuse. And ya no what, they really don't probably feel as bad..b.c unlike them..we have empathy for people because we can FEEL.

Hang in there! I am in the same friggin boat. Thank you for posting.

patty10

I could not agree more with everyone on here, Steve. I am the wife of a recovering addict and I also struggled with letting go of my husband of 15 years at the time of addiction. I spent two years watching his every move, catching him in the act, just absolutely obsessive behavior on my part. Eventually I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I let go. I stopped questioning him, waiting for him to get home, staying home myself because I felt like I had to "babysit" and on and on. I started to basically ignore his behavior to some extent. I still told him I loved him, I still talked to him about day to day things (when he could listen) and I also let him go on the nod when he was jacked up. I stopped yelling at him when he was incoherent, I let him spend countless nights on the garage floor, basically I stopped picking him up when he fell (literally) It was then that he got sober. And I'm not saying it was because I did all those things, I truley believe he also got sick and tired of being sick and tired. He's been clean for 18 months. He is not the same person I married. He also smoked pot when we met and for the first time in 18 years I think I am seeing the real man I married. And I have to say I'm not so sure I like him to be quite honest. But I do LOVE him and will stick by him as long as he is clean and sober. He knows that is the boundary for me. Good luck and do think about all the advice you are given here. I know it's hard, but they are right...if nothing ever changes, nothing will ever change.