wall

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to say hello and stop eavesdropping. Here is a little bout me and my sit. I am originally from AL and fell madly in love with a crack addict. I became pregnant. We were trying to work things out but I got scared and packed up and moved to another state. I now have a beautiful 9 month old daughter that he has never seen. At first he begged me to go back and be with him for the birth and he tried to get here for the birth but was in jailed for drunk driving at that time. I never gave him address so he has never been to see her. He finally stopped calling me and I dont call him. But I am still in love with him.

He is not a "bad" person. In fact he is a great guy with a terrible addiction. I am worried about my daughter though. I don't want to keep them apart but I have this image in my head that we will work things out and get back together. I have heard he still loves me and has not dated anyone else since I left but I interpret that as being due to his addiction not some long lost feelings over me. I feel selfish for not allowing her contact with her father only to protect myself from falling head over heels again.

I have never asked him for child support or anything. I just disappeared. I want to be over him but he is like an addiction for me. I never used but I saw him use. Most of the time we were together we did outdoor stuff or went out to eat. So, I am not as exposed to the real way it is like some of you. We would go kayaking or sit by the lake. I guess I was very lucky not to see some of the darker sides of it.

He has used drugs since he was 13. Never held a job for long and his grandmother supports him. He uses everyday pretty much all day. He would stop when I would ask him to go out. Sometimes I had to call him several times but he would stop to do stuff with me but now I hear he stays at his gmothers all the time and smokes crack, mari. and drinks. It is sad.

I am looking for meetings I can attend and have been trying to read up on codependency in between diaper changes. I don't know what to do. I am lost and found this site. I don't expect to have any revelations or even find any answers. I guess I just wanted to tell what I am going thru. I don't have any family to talk to so it is just me and my little girl.

thanks for letting me talk.

suki44883

Welcome to SR! We are here to support you. Glad you posted your story.

It's is a sad one, but not all that uncommon. Many of us have been in your shoes, but have gone on to have wonderful lives without the millstone of addiction dragging us down. The most important thing is your lovely daughter and what is best for her. It sounds like you know that she shouldn't be exposed to all that mess with her father's drug addiction. It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing by just being out of that picture. If you let him know where you are, you could be opening the door to all kinds of trouble.

He will either get help for himself or he won't. He didn't do it while you were with him, nor did he do it when you got pregnant. The chances are high that he won't do it if you allowed him to see his daughter, and the damage that could inflict on her just isn't worth it.

You will get over him if you allow yourself to. Don't romanticize the past with him because you left him for a good reason. You made the right decision then, and taking the very best care you can of your beautiful little girl is the right decision now.

outtolunch

So let's see. He's a long time addict. He can't manage to stay employed. He lives off his grandma. He smokes crack and drinks all the time. He is not paying child support. Ever wonder what he does to pay for his drugs?

No child need ever be exposed to anyone who is in active addiction. To knowingly do so, is child endangerment. She cannot benefit from an opportunity to get to know an addict who happens to be her bio father.

Sounds like you might be prone to confusing what she needs with your own need to be head over heels or figure that once he sees his child, he will change. Unfortunately, it does not work that way. If it did, absolutely none of us would be here.

Consider picking up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Another gem is Ten Things Women Do to Mess Up Their lives by Laura Schlessinger. Both are available at most libraries or used at Amazon.com.

dollydo

Welcome, lots of great people here, who will offer support.

You did the right thing to leave him, and, you are doing the right thing for your child to stay out of his radar.

He is an active user and will only bring heartache to you and your daughter. A clean slate that does not need to be affected by a crack addict. She deserves so much more, and it is up to you to give it to her.

His only love at this time is crack, that's it, not you, not his daughter.

Do what's right for your daughter, no contact.

fourmaggie

So let's see. He's a long time addict. He can't manage to stay employed. He lives off his grandma. He smokes crack and drinks all the time. He is not paying child support. Ever wonder what he does to pay for his drugs?quotes by outtolunch



wow...umm, I dont want that cr@p in my life...and really scared to know how he gets the $$ for his nasty habit


He is an active user and will only bring heartache to you and your daughterquotes by dollydo

Yep, yep, double yep....I can see it now....a DOORMAT and the teachings of this to your daughter...

NO! please dont let this happen to you and her...YOURs and your daughters well being is a stake!! please do not risk that!

fourmaggie

read this...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

maybe it will make you see things CLEARER

barb dwyer

Welcome to SR!

sofacat

Welcome to SR wall.

One year ago I made my first post too. Decided to stop lurking and just get it out.
I knew it was time that things needed to change. I needed answers, just as you are finding yourself needing right now.

This is a good family for you to talk to. You have come to the right place.

You said "he is like an addiction for me"... that is a very wise statement.

Keep reading, keep posting... we're here.

wall

Ever wonder what he does to pay for his drugs?
His gma gives him at least $100 to $300 per day. yes that is right. they have money and don't care.

Sounds like you might be prone to confusing what she needs with your own need to be head over heels or figure that once he sees his child, he will change. Unfortunately, it does not work that way. If it did, absolutely none of us would be here.
Maybe I overreacted when reading this line but it felt like an attack on my parenting. NO I HAVE NOT CONFUSED MY DAUGHTERS NEEDS WITH MINE. I HAVE STAYED AWAY FOR 9 MONTHS PLUS 4 MONTHS WHILE PREGNANT THAT WAS FOR HER NOT ME.
Consider picking up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Another gem is Ten Things Women Do to Mess Up Their lives by Laura Schlessinger. Both are available at most libraries or used at Amazon.com.[/QUOTE]
Thanks for the suggestions. I am reading codependent no more now. I had not heard of the other book. I will check into it.

wall

Thank you guys for the welcome. It is hard to get to the computer with a little one around. Naptime is a wonderful thing I love her so much but now that she is starting to walk she is everywhere. She half crawls half walks it is the strangest site.

Anyway, I live in a rural area and it is hard to find a meeting. Should I go to an al anon meeting or are their meetings only for people that are family to alcoholics? Where would I find meetings for my situation?

I hope I didn't overreact to that one post. I am tired and I have put my daughter first. I just keep hearing from people that I am a bad person to keep her from him. It sometimes gets confusing. They don't understand.
I really appreciate all the comments even the one that upset me. It is good that people are honest.

gardner

You are not keeping him from his daughter. He is responsible for that. The people that say you are bad person should be quickly eliminated from your friendship circle.

Whenever you fantasize about being in love with him, try to remember that you most like do not know who he really is as who you have known is an addict in the midst of a heavy active addiction. As he is unable to show you the real you, it is best to look forward and keep up the good work of no contact.

Best of luck!

Kindeyes

Wall=
Welcome to SR. As always, I feel conflicted when I welcome someone to this site. It means that they are dealing with addiction. However, since you are dealing with addiction, I'm glad you found SR......there are a lot of people who have walked in your shoes.

I am the mother of an adult addicted son who has a small child and I also divorced a man some 27 years ago who was addicted......my adult addicted son's father. That is my resume (that makes me laugh a little) and is what brings me here to SR. I mention this so that you understand where my thoughts and experiences come from.

You did a very courageous thing. Leaving the father behind so that you could begin your child's life in a healthy environment was very brave. The mother of my grandchild was using drugs/alcohol while she was with my son. She stopped cold turkey when she found out she was pregnant.....but she loved my son so very much that she hoped that he would get sober when the baby arrived. She had a fairy tale picture of him seeing that little person and instantly becoming a clean, sober, responsible person. It didn't happen.

She and the baby eventually moved out of the apartment they shared with my son and moved in with her parents. My son went to rehab, was clean for four months, and went right back to his drinking and the drugs got worse. He does not pay child support (he hasn't been employed for two years). He sees his son only when he comes to visit us (the grandparents). He often sleeps through the visits. And then claims that it is because he can't spend "quality" time with his son that he uses drugs. He doesn't GET that you don't put the cart before the horse. He can spend "quality" time with his son when he's clean and sober.

My grandson's mother on the other hand, worked for us (we own a business) for four years, put herself through college, and recently got a great job in her field!!! What a battle for her but she DID IT! She put herself and that child first and has set herself up to be in a good position to ensure that her son gets the best she can offer. She has lots of help (her parents, us, and a large extended family) and I hope you have lots of help with your little one.

And this is the way it has been going for almost five years (my grandson turns five in October).

My son has a priority in his life. It's not one that he selected on purpose but it is a priority none the less. No one sets out to become an addict and they are often really wonderful people. My son is a truly wonderful person........when he's sober. But as an addict, I wouldn't wish him on ANYONE. I certainly understand and support my son's ex-girlfriend in her desire to distance (protect) herself and her child from my son and the craziness that his addiction brings.

I'm lucky. As the paternal grandparents and the parents of the addicted father, our son's mother could have withheld that precious child from us as well....but she didn't and I give her a great deal of credit for that.

Now back to you......as the sole responsible parent of that sweet little baby, you have to call the shots. My son's ex-girlfriend has done a remarkable job of raising our grandson. People will always try to second guess your decisions. All you can do is do the best you can.

I shared all of this with you because as the mother of the addicted person who has a child.......I feel perhaps somewhat qualified to say "I understand why you chose to distance yourself." You put yourself and that little baby first. You made tough decisions. You are withstanding those people (and there will always be "those people") who choose to tell you what to do and second guess your decisions. That is soooo very courageous. It's not "their" life that is involved here so it's easy for them to tell you what to do or what you should have done.

You'll learn a lot here on SR. It's good that you're reading "Codependent No More". Understanding the chaos of addiction now will be good......but since you chose to leave the father of your child, I suspect you've already experienced some of that chaos. Gaining perspective on it will serve you well.

gentle hugs

outtolunch

My intent was to invoke a reaction. Your unselfish actions define you and you have put the welfare of your baby before anything else. Your ex's actions also define him and addiction comes before anything/anyone else.

The majority of your first post was the "head over heels" stuff. Most times when we use "but" the intent is to rationalize our own BS.

Have people actually confronted you face to face to tell you that you are a bad person? Or is it possible that you are a mind reader and know what they are thinking/what they meant?

We codependents roll with the fantasy that we have power over other people and can comple people to change. We believe in our own powers to read other people's minds and sometimes react to it. And most of us manage to do all of this without being drugged. Imagine that.

So yeah, sounds like you are running a "they lived happily ever after" fantasy, right now. The good mother in you knows this, else you would not be here.

While I do not agree with the author of "10 Stupid Things" on most political matters, this particular book cuts through the fantasy of hopeful fantasies many/most women play with themselves. It's one of those books that changes people's lives.

Regardless, you have put your baby first and demonstrate every day that you are a terrific mom.

Chino

Emotional development stops at the age people begin to use, and they get a crash course in catching up when they stop. You said you want to be over him, and this next part might help, though it might also hurt and I apologize in advance: the guy you're in love with is 13 years old

mercury44

Good point Chino
I had heard that about emotional age...
Thanks for reminding me of that
Puts it all in perspective