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Old 09-13-2010, 07:43 AM
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Where to begin

Hi all, I am new to the forum and have been struggling for 10 years with an addict husband. Things have been rough our entire marriage but the last week have spiraled out of control. I have a good support system, however, it is hard to talk with people about our situation that have never been there.

I met my husband in 2000 and he told me in the beginning of our relationship that he used to be a heroin user. Naive about drugs and addiction, I didn't think a whole lot about it and we eventually began seriously dating. I had no knowledge of addiction and took this piece of information as "that was in the past". We are complete opposites. He came from a big city, was on the streets at a young age, addict and abusive mother, no father, etc. I am from a small town, wonderful parents, no addiction knowledge, straight A student, etc. Anyways, we got married and had our first child within the first 1-1/2 years together. Shortly after we got together, I started noticing mood changes and could tell that sometimes he was bouncing off the walls. When I inquired what was going on, he denying anything and soon after I found out that he was taking pain pills. Sometimes they were prescribed, sometimes bought from people selling them. He has degenerative disc disease and his answer was always that they were for his back pain. More money was being spent, more lies, many fights ensued. When our first son was a year old, he started lying about paychecks and when getting caught one time, he admitted that he was using heroin and needed help. I was blown away, I had only ever even heard the drug mentioned on television. At this point, he was able to get into an outpatient program which he attended for several months and did well. They recommended outpatient because they stated that he wasn't far enough back into it to have to go through the detox. Insurance eventually ran out so that was the end of that. Time went on and we had our second child. After his sober period during therapy, he gradually started using the pain pills again. Again, many lies, many fights. As time went on, I started to reach my breaking point. This past January, I found a needle in his truck which again devasted me. Up to this point, he had always snorted it, which isn't any better, however, to see a needle was devastating. This was the end of my rope and by now my mother was brought in to it. In the very beginning, I hid it. Then I gradually began telling her about the pain pills and then the last two years I have been open with her and my stepfather about everything. I couldn't deal alone anymore. My mom, (who also has little addiction knowledge) ended up taking him to a methadone clinic which she paid for him to go for five months. She spoke with the doctor who told her the process and how the medicine helps some individuals get off of heroin. I was pessimistic and wanted him to just leave, however, my mother tried to reason with me for us to give him this last chance for the kids. I agreed to one last chance because the so that if things ended, I would not have any doubt that I tried everything. He attended the clinic and we went to a few marriage counseling sessions. He ended the clinic in May and I was cautious for the next few months but started to trust him little by little. A couple weeks ago, things started to deteriorate. A couple lies began coming out first and then he lost his job for failing a drug test. He knew things were done, left to go back to his sister's out of state. During the time period he was gone, we discovered he owed a checkin go place a large chunk of money, he had borrowed money from my stepdad to take care of a "previous debt", a needle was found in his vehicle, we found out that he had been using the entire time since he stopped going to the clinic. I was blown away yet again. Usually, I could tell if he was high even by just talking to him on the phone but I had no clue this time. I don't know if because he was shooting it, the effects were minimal by the time he got home from work. I know the signs but this time his tracks were covered completely and I had no idea, I thought he was doing well. After he left, I was relieved and scared at the same time. So many details to think of, taking care of the children by myself, trying to comfort my older one, finances, the list goes on and on. Our older son is 8 and my husband left the day before school started. I had no idea what to tell him. Trying not to upset him too bad before school started, I told him that his dad lost his job and since there are no jobs here, he had to leave state for a little while to find work. He called our son a couple days after he had been gone and told him he would be home soon. I called him back and told him not to come back to the state because he was not coming back here and there was no other place for him to go. The next day, I found out he was heading back here and while I did not talk to him, my mom was in contact with him. He came back to town, went to the hospital ER and since he does not have a job now, they found him a bed at a local rehabilitation inpatient program. That is where it stands now. He has been calling the kids every day and then wants to talk to me. I am angry and bitter and feel like he has ruined our lives. I am walking a fine line between trying to encourage him and telling him I hate him for what he has done. This would be much easier if he was a horrible dad but he has taken care of and played with his kids every day since they were born. At this point, I do not want him coming back here after the program. I am confused and worried what will happen. He needs to be around to see his kids, but he has no family here, no job, and has burned all his bridges with every friend in this town. I am so angry every time his son cries that he wants his daddy to come home, I am angry that he left me to clean up all his messes, I am angry that he has multiple bills, including a vehicle payment I'm cosigner on and can't afford on my income. I am just so angry. I know that I do not owe him anything and that his problem is not my problem, yet it affects my life in every detail. Right now, all I can do is concentrate on my children but where do I go from here?

Wow, sorry this is so lengthy
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Old 09-13-2010, 11:03 AM
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I have a good support system, however, it is hard to talk with people about our situation that have never been there.... Right now, all I can do is concentrate on my children but where do I go from here?
Have you considered a face to face recovery program, like Al-anon, Nar-anon, Celebrate Recovery? Everyone here can relate to you on some level, and face to face support can add a lot to the journey.

Your husband doesn't have to come home. There are sober living homes, halfway houses, and the Salvation Army (its free, too).

Where do you need and want to go from here?
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Old 09-13-2010, 11:41 AM
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Welcome to the forum!
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