Nerdgirl

I'm in need of advice/opinions. For now I am ok with simply going no contact with the iv drug addicts in DH's family. Some time back, I called the cops to inquire about my rights. Specifically, I asked the cops about public encounters since we live in the same town. While I can keep drug addicts off my property, I can't do a darn thing in the supermarket or other public place if they try to talk to my kids. I'm also afraid that my kids will simply jump on their bikes & just go see these addicts who live less than a mile away and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it. Being in same town as them makes me very nervous and I would like to move away. I know that addicts are everywhere, but most of the addicts out there are not blood relatives that my kids happen to adore. I want to get away from *these* addicts by introducing some real physical distance. Something between 10 and 10,000 miles would suffice....

My husband says I'm overreacting. Am I? The probability of these two addicts recovering anytime soon is not high (at best) given what I am seeing in terms of denial and codependence. I know I'm using lots of "I"s here, this is about me. Am I making myself crazy with "what ifs?" Am I just being neurotic? I know that I can't control them, but I can control where we live, and I might like to put some distance between us and them. I look forward to comments from my friends at SR.

ladyamalthea

How old are your kids? Are they old enough that you could have a frank talk with them about why going to visit those people is a bad idea? I'm not talking about just making it a rule, as most kids love to break rules... but actually having an open dialogue with them about it?

I don't know that you're overreacting so much, but moving just to get away from them won't help, IMO. One day your kids will be old enough to go see these people no matter how far away you move, and then what? Do you want them to rebel against you by rushing back to them?

Of course, I say all of this without all the facts. But this is just my first impression.

Angelic17

Nerdgirl, I totally understand your reasoning for wanting to move. I probably would feel the same way. I wanted to keep my son away from every drug addict alive and still do, But, I have to tell you this. You cannot control this . You are powerless over other people and what they do. Your kids may be young, and you could move away. But if you think you can control if and when they are going to see another member of their family your wrong. I tried to keep my son away from drugs and people who use, and it didn't work. Drugs are everywhere.

You can get out of your neighborhood, and move some place else. And your closest neighbors can be raging addicts. If your kids are going to find the drugs, they will find them. You can't run from it, or hide them from it. It's your job to teach your kids never to touch this stuff. Spend alot of time with them, and give them awareness, and then there is still no guarantee. Believe me, I have been where you are right now. And it didn't work for me with my son. Addiction and drugs are everywhere. And family is family. We can pick our friends, but we can't pick our family. I know exactly how you feel. It's so sad that we cannot protect our kids from this.

ElegantlyWasted

How bout a restraining order? Makes it easier to arrest 'em if there is a problem. Works pretty well as a deterant for most as well.

Nerdgirl

Can't do this unless there is domestic violence involved.

DayDreamBelever

I guess the thing you didn't include in your post is Why you want to move away from them. They're addicts. I got that much. But what else about them? Anything potentially threatening happen to the children? Or is it fear something could? Or something else?
What I mean to say is what is your driving force?

Nerdgirl

I think think that what i need to do is let go and let God. I'm worrying about things that I can't control. But, I do get moved around for work more often than the average person (3 moves in the past 8 years), so arranging for a move would probably be relatively easy - which is why I keep fantasizing about running away....

Nerdgirl

They're both pretty sloppy with their junk. I should tell you that I'm a medical professional and during my training I helped pump a child's stomach after he got into some junk, and I have never, ever forgotten that experience. I'm terrified that my kids will have a needlestick injury, or an accidental ingestion. Also, my SIL drives like a nut and I'm afraid that she could very easily strike one of the children with her car and not even notice.

ladyamalthea

Yep... let go and let God. There's nothing you can save them from by moving away from these addicts. They could just as easily get hit by someone who drives like a nut in a new neighborhood.

DayDreamBelever

Completely understandable

Chino

Can you think of an age appropriate conversation to have with them about this/their relatives?

Just for today my daughter is sober but she'll always have this addiction and she'll always have Hep C. If I ever have to warn someone about her, I will.

Angelic17

I'm sorry that your having to deal with this issue Nerdgirl. It just goes to show how addiction affects so many more people other than the addicts. You sound like a very good mother who only wants the best for her children, and that's totally understandable. I'm sure your kids will be fine with a mom like you. Follow your instinct, and let go and let GOD as you said before. But, keep your eye on them, and your best off to keep them away from your kids if that's how you feel. The sad part of it all is that the addicts are human beings and they still love and want love. Most children love unconditionally.

keepinon

When my kids were your age my SIL was a heroin addict. We just stayed away..suprisingly she got arrested, got sober and has been for 15 years. The reality of it is..you have no control.Another reality is that you have no idea when these guys will clean up/find recovery..NO ONE thought my SIL was anywhere near being done. Tell your kids to stay away and maybe you can work on your recovery..helps me!

Freedom1990

I'd like to present you with the view of someone whose parents were overprotective while I was growing up.

I had a brother 4 years older than me, but he died suddenly in his sleep at 2 1/2 years old, so I never knew him. My parents were devastated.

When I was born, I had some significant heart problems, bad enough I saw a cardiologist in Denver for several years.

I can only imagine the fear my parents felt after losing one child, and have a second one with serious health issues.

Not only was I spoiled rotten, I was also insulated from the active alcoholics on both sides of the family. I didn't even know what alcoholism was growing up, only that we didn't have a big extended family like lots of kids that I knew did. We didn't talk about it.

I do not blame my parents for the way they raised me. They did the best that they could with what they had.

What I can tell you is I was very poorly equipped to cope when I went out into the world.

I was taken advantage of, robbed, and conned. I had lived in a very insulated world.

Every parent wants to protect their children. Your concerns are very valid.

I wouldn't want my kids around someone like that either.

However, there needs to be a balance between protecting to a certain extent, and educating our kids, and allowing them to develop problem-solving and coping skills as they grow up.

I got the message early on, and still do to this day (and I don't buy that message anymore) at age 52 that I don't possess the skills to make good decisions on my own, even though my life is a far cry different than what it was when I was an active addict/alcoholic.

Balance is the key word.

I hope this helps.

Kindeyes

nerdgirl
I can't even imagine what I would do in your shoes. I might feel the same way and wish that I could move far away and remove the threat. It's what mother bears do. They protect their young. But we can't (and often shouldn't) protect them from everything. Particularly those self induced traumas and dramas. This is a tough call that only you can make.

I don't know your circumstances and the totality of your situation so I can't offer advice. We all raise our children the best we are able and we do what we think is best for them at the time. It's all we can do. 20/20 hindsight is nice but useless for the most part. And more than anything, we just need to forgive ourselves if that 20/20 hindsight clarity shows us that we coulda/shoulda done something differently.

gentle hugs

Nerdgirl

Part of my problem is my resentments. They keep bubbling up in spite of my best efforts these days.

We have had age appropriate conversations about drugs, but you know it's hard for me because I wanted to do this more on my own terms and not in reaction to some obviously insane behavior from the addicts. I guess I don't really have a choice... Now that we've gone no contact we actually talk about drugs a lot less than before, but we still talk about it. Thanks again for the feedback.

Freedom1990

So what can you do to work through those resentments and toss them in the garbage where they belong?

I don't know about you, but when I carry resentments, I am cut off from the sunlight of the spirit, and those resentments color every aspect of my life.

Nerdgirl

I know what you mean. I feel like a horrible person when the resentment sneaks in.

I have forgiven enormous insults and injuries that I have sustained through the 10+ years that I have been involved with this family as it battles addiction. As much as I might sometimes like to have my kids think that their aunt & uncle are bad, I don't. I tell the kids that the drugs are bad, and that the drugs make people do bad things. But you know, I sometimes feel as though the negativity seeps into my mind and that's when things boil over. When i get carried away I try very hard to remind myself that yesterday is gone, and tomorrow I must give to God.

Freedom1990

Indeed yesterday is gone.

My sponsor compares resentments to hitting instant replay on a bad tape, over and over, and the ugly feelings just keep intensifying.

I have gotten much better about letting go of resentments.

I know it has to be very difficult in your situation having married into a family where addiction is active, and they are local to you.

ZombieWife

I don't know how old your kids are. You mentioned them jumping on their bikes, so I assume not able to drive yet? If they are that young, I see no issue with keeping your kids safe. I think children of that age aren't a "put it in god's hands" type of thing. If you are living near some family friends (I guess friends, you used a lot of vague words) that are drug dealers, I see no issue with moving far enough away so they can't just "get on their bikes and go."

Kids are not adults. I would keep my children safe above all. I know that there will always be drug users around, but if your kids know and trust them and like them, then they seem to be too young, imho, to make the right choices at this point.

Again, not sure the age, so can't really say for sure.