reality bursts the bubble of hope
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
reality bursts the bubble of hope
It's been a week since my AS left after telling him he can't stay at my apartment and keep using. He went to stay at his girlfriend's house. Got through a week sober and sounded pretty good. Then he got some money and disappeared for the majority of the next day.(She called me.) He sounded pretty high the last two days since when I've spoken to him.
I'm writing this because his birthday is this Wednesday and the first one he'll spend out of jail or rehab in a few years. Got to getting melancholy and hopeful when he had been clean for the past week....thinking how nice it would be to have a simple get together with family and his girlfriend.... He says he wants to come over and spend some time with me tomorrow and use the computer to look for jobs. Anyway....after talking to him tonight and the fact that he sounded high...really changed the way I felt..kinda burst my bubble of hope. He said he wasn't but I could tell he was by the way he was talking. (He doesn't even realize how different he sounds when he's high and still thinks he can hide it.) No I don't know for sure, but we know what we know in our gut. ...
I was trying to figure out what to get an addict for his birthday and trying to just treat it like a regular birthday....but you can't. He's going to get his cell phone bill paid for the month by his grandma for a present. (I was going to pay it first for a present but she offered since money is tight for me now. I was glad since I couldn'g stand the guilt about whether or not I should pay it) Don't do what they can do for themselves, and probably should too. Even getting his cell phone bill paid means he'll have that much more money to use on drugs and probably will. I can't give him money and would be reluctant to even give a gift certificate or gift card, fearing he'll probably sell it for money for drugs. I know I shouldn't project so or worry about what to give, but there is the reality of the fact thay he'll probably use the money for drugs. I decided I would go with him to the art store and get him some art supplies for his birthday if he'd like.
This situation just reminds me of how his addiction affects so much, even like birthday celebrations. I don't want to deny him a birthday acknowledgement, it's the first we'll celebrate together in about 5 years. I told him I wish I could give him a present of sobriety all wrapped up for his birthday and he said I can't.
I'm just so sad. Even he realizes that he's going to be 23 this birthday and hasn't really gotten anywhere in life and knows it's because of the drugs, but I don't think he's ready to stop yet and that's what hurts so bad. As a mother naturally I want him to have a good life, but I know I can't do anything about it now. He has to make the right choices. I will support him in those choices as best I can.....
Guess what I'm writing about is to relay how hard this is....I know I did the right thing by telling him to leave if he was going to keep using and not get the help he needs....I didn't expect miracles either....I guess he's not ready yet and will probably work the situation with his girlfriend and her family until they get sick of it and tell him to leave...guess he found another way to suspend reaching his bottom. I'm glad he's not in the streets, but I'm so sorry he's in such denial about everything and am sad because there is nothing I can do except pray for him and suggest he get help.
Just needed to share this anguish and frustration about the situation and his addiction.
I'm writing this because his birthday is this Wednesday and the first one he'll spend out of jail or rehab in a few years. Got to getting melancholy and hopeful when he had been clean for the past week....thinking how nice it would be to have a simple get together with family and his girlfriend.... He says he wants to come over and spend some time with me tomorrow and use the computer to look for jobs. Anyway....after talking to him tonight and the fact that he sounded high...really changed the way I felt..kinda burst my bubble of hope. He said he wasn't but I could tell he was by the way he was talking. (He doesn't even realize how different he sounds when he's high and still thinks he can hide it.) No I don't know for sure, but we know what we know in our gut. ...
I was trying to figure out what to get an addict for his birthday and trying to just treat it like a regular birthday....but you can't. He's going to get his cell phone bill paid for the month by his grandma for a present. (I was going to pay it first for a present but she offered since money is tight for me now. I was glad since I couldn'g stand the guilt about whether or not I should pay it) Don't do what they can do for themselves, and probably should too. Even getting his cell phone bill paid means he'll have that much more money to use on drugs and probably will. I can't give him money and would be reluctant to even give a gift certificate or gift card, fearing he'll probably sell it for money for drugs. I know I shouldn't project so or worry about what to give, but there is the reality of the fact thay he'll probably use the money for drugs. I decided I would go with him to the art store and get him some art supplies for his birthday if he'd like.
This situation just reminds me of how his addiction affects so much, even like birthday celebrations. I don't want to deny him a birthday acknowledgement, it's the first we'll celebrate together in about 5 years. I told him I wish I could give him a present of sobriety all wrapped up for his birthday and he said I can't.
I'm just so sad. Even he realizes that he's going to be 23 this birthday and hasn't really gotten anywhere in life and knows it's because of the drugs, but I don't think he's ready to stop yet and that's what hurts so bad. As a mother naturally I want him to have a good life, but I know I can't do anything about it now. He has to make the right choices. I will support him in those choices as best I can.....
Guess what I'm writing about is to relay how hard this is....I know I did the right thing by telling him to leave if he was going to keep using and not get the help he needs....I didn't expect miracles either....I guess he's not ready yet and will probably work the situation with his girlfriend and her family until they get sick of it and tell him to leave...guess he found another way to suspend reaching his bottom. I'm glad he's not in the streets, but I'm so sorry he's in such denial about everything and am sad because there is nothing I can do except pray for him and suggest he get help.
Just needed to share this anguish and frustration about the situation and his addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
(((Vaya)))
Many of us have been there... birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions can be so hard when we feel such a craving to be able to act like nothing is wrong, just for that day. I remember when my sister was at her worst all I would get her for her birthday is a gift basket from Bath and Bodyworks, since it seemed unlikely that she would get much money out of a travel size bubble bath and perfume. Art supplies seem like a "safe" gift, and maybe it'll remind him of things he enjoys that don't involve drugs.
You're doing great. I can tell you're hurting, but you never know when your decision to ask him to leave may have been just what he needed. That may have actually been a great birthday gift in the long run.
Just remember you're doing the right thing.
Many of us have been there... birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions can be so hard when we feel such a craving to be able to act like nothing is wrong, just for that day. I remember when my sister was at her worst all I would get her for her birthday is a gift basket from Bath and Bodyworks, since it seemed unlikely that she would get much money out of a travel size bubble bath and perfume. Art supplies seem like a "safe" gift, and maybe it'll remind him of things he enjoys that don't involve drugs.
You're doing great. I can tell you're hurting, but you never know when your decision to ask him to leave may have been just what he needed. That may have actually been a great birthday gift in the long run.
Just remember you're doing the right thing.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
(((Vaya)))
Remember, it's never too late for hope.
Your son is in G*D's hands, or, if you prefer, in the hands of his Higher Power.
That Power is there for him. And is much stronger than you or I or anything that we can dream of.
Allow your son be in the Hands of that Power.
Trust It.
Know that It has a plan - one that we may not ever understand.
And while you do that, have more hope for yourself; for *your* life.
Do you go to meetings?
I found alanon and naranon meetings to be very helpful for myself when I began this journey for myself. My own son is a heroin addict. He's in jail once more. He's just turned 30; he started his drug use at 14; started heroin at 16. He's been on a rollar coaster for all these years. I rode that ride for many years, until I found out, through alanon and naranon and SR, that I did not have to take the ride anymore.
What *freedom* that discover gave me!
I can live *my* life!!!
Yes, I still do love my son.
But, his choices are *his* choices.
And mine are mine.
We are *not* joined at the hip.
And the placenta has been disconnected over 30 years ago.
He is responsible for his own life. Not me.
I'll *always* love him.
And I'll always support his *recovery.*
But, I'll not support his addiction ever again.
I do not need that chaos in my life anymore.
As much as I do love him.
Please take care of *you.*
Whatever that means for you.
We're here to help you figure that out,
if you need the help...
Shalom!
Remember, it's never too late for hope.
Your son is in G*D's hands, or, if you prefer, in the hands of his Higher Power.
That Power is there for him. And is much stronger than you or I or anything that we can dream of.
Allow your son be in the Hands of that Power.
Trust It.
Know that It has a plan - one that we may not ever understand.
And while you do that, have more hope for yourself; for *your* life.
Do you go to meetings?
I found alanon and naranon meetings to be very helpful for myself when I began this journey for myself. My own son is a heroin addict. He's in jail once more. He's just turned 30; he started his drug use at 14; started heroin at 16. He's been on a rollar coaster for all these years. I rode that ride for many years, until I found out, through alanon and naranon and SR, that I did not have to take the ride anymore.
What *freedom* that discover gave me!
I can live *my* life!!!
Yes, I still do love my son.
But, his choices are *his* choices.
And mine are mine.
We are *not* joined at the hip.
And the placenta has been disconnected over 30 years ago.
He is responsible for his own life. Not me.
I'll *always* love him.
And I'll always support his *recovery.*
But, I'll not support his addiction ever again.
I do not need that chaos in my life anymore.
As much as I do love him.
Please take care of *you.*
Whatever that means for you.
We're here to help you figure that out,
if you need the help...
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I've been there too. I've tried to be creative when getting a gift for my AS. My creativity is running dry. I got him a gift card to Costco on his last birthday (29). I thought.....he can buy food, he can buy gas for his car, or he can get something nice for himself that he couldn't otherwise afford. Guess what he did with it.......he "paid someone back" that he owed money to (dealer?). Whoever it was, he said they were mad at him because he didn't pay them with cash.
I've decided that the best thing I can buy for him as a gift in the future is clothing. Socks. Underwear. Sweatshirt. Things of that nature because he's headed for life on the streets and it's going to be cold out there. At least he can be warm. Sad, huh?
He tried to trade food (that he could get with his State provided food card) for money with me a couple of weeks ago. I said no.
Our sons are in God's hands........
gentle hugs
I've decided that the best thing I can buy for him as a gift in the future is clothing. Socks. Underwear. Sweatshirt. Things of that nature because he's headed for life on the streets and it's going to be cold out there. At least he can be warm. Sad, huh?
He tried to trade food (that he could get with his State provided food card) for money with me a couple of weeks ago. I said no.
Our sons are in God's hands........
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Vaya, really glad to see you are hoilding your boundaries.I still stress over my AD, but having her out of the house is so much better. No more lies, begging, boundary pushing, all the things that exhaust you. It is all very sad, but you shhould be really proud that you are no longer "loving him to death".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you all for your support. really helps during this time. I'm going through such a period of sadness right now and your support and ESH really helps!
I have to post another thread about my AS girlfriend and whether or not I'm trying to control the situation and would welcome feedback about it. Since it's a different issue than this one I will post it as a new thread.
I have to post another thread about my AS girlfriend and whether or not I'm trying to control the situation and would welcome feedback about it. Since it's a different issue than this one I will post it as a new thread.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
Vaya,
I too have a 23 year old AS. We have not celebrated a holiday together since he was 18
I miss him terribly and every holiday I feel so lonely. I am always so sad with each passing Mother's Day and Christmas, etc., but it has been my choice not to be around him as long as he chooses to use. He is now in jail (for the past 10 months) and this is the longest he has been without using. I told him that if this is the only time that he is clean in his life, then I hope the judge keeps him locked up for a long time. Isn't that a sad thing for a mother to wish for?
It doesn't matter what you buy him for his birthday, it will be sold or traded. Been there.
You are in my prayers.
I too have a 23 year old AS. We have not celebrated a holiday together since he was 18
I miss him terribly and every holiday I feel so lonely. I am always so sad with each passing Mother's Day and Christmas, etc., but it has been my choice not to be around him as long as he chooses to use. He is now in jail (for the past 10 months) and this is the longest he has been without using. I told him that if this is the only time that he is clean in his life, then I hope the judge keeps him locked up for a long time. Isn't that a sad thing for a mother to wish for?
It doesn't matter what you buy him for his birthday, it will be sold or traded. Been there.
You are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
He can go to the library anytime and use their pcs to job hunt.
Drugs are only a symptom. Only when he realizes his own choices have put him in the position he is in, might he consider the alternatives. Give him the gift of dignity to come to this on his own terms and time.
Can you bake him a cake and and acknowledge it's his birthday and then let go of the outcome?
Drugs are only a symptom. Only when he realizes his own choices have put him in the position he is in, might he consider the alternatives. Give him the gift of dignity to come to this on his own terms and time.
Can you bake him a cake and and acknowledge it's his birthday and then let go of the outcome?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Southwestern, Pennsylvania
Posts: 210
I think that is the hardest part for me....the hopeful and faith-filled side of me that truly believes that the periods of sobriety are for real and permanent. I always hope that the wonderful family time we spend together when he is sober will 'click' with him and he will really and truly commit to walking away from that lifestyle and become a productive member of society. I've found those hopes are in vain though. I told him tonight that I wish he would quit getting my hopes up...either be a drug abusing loser or be the person I know he is. You know what they say about wishes though...
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I pray tonight for all of us parents of addicted children. I pray for mercy, for our children to find their bottom, for peace and rest from the worry. The sadness of trying to celebrate a birthday, when it cannot be a normal , happy one. I have been there too. My son is 38, I am almost 100 % sure is an alcoholic, and I just wish I could be healthy enough to just let go of trying to give him some happiness. He seems to be doing all the things in life that result in failure. he undoes most things that I have done to help him- and not even on purpose- he is just too immature to figure out the simplest things, but he can program a computer.
I just want to go outside, look up at the sky and scream "Why, God?"
forgive me, for being negative. I had two alcoholic parents, both dead before they were 65. And now my son. And your son. and your daughter. I am just so angry inside.
I just want to go outside, look up at the sky and scream "Why, God?"
forgive me, for being negative. I had two alcoholic parents, both dead before they were 65. And now my son. And your son. and your daughter. I am just so angry inside.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you again everyone for your responses. I was prepared to just supply a cake and some snacks to make a little celebration for him with his brother and his girlfriend on the day before or day of his birthday. He told me he wanted to come over the day before and I planned to take him to the art store and get a few supplies. Anyway, he couldn't come over due to restrictions. Then I planned to have a little something on his birthday(Yesterday)....but he and his girlfriend never got back to me. He called this morning to say he and she were coming over later. It's now 5:30pm and I haven't heard anything. I can't believe I even stressed about what to give him or do for his birthday.I don't know if it's because he doesn't care or she won't let him....but I don't care now. I'm over it. I'm glad I didn't stick around today for him to show up. (I was home, but had things to do) The point is that one has to really let go...and I am. Honestly, I still think the main reason he keeps trying to get over to see me is so he can get away from his girlfriend and go out and score. I wish I was wrong....but he doesn't really care about his birthday with us. He went out with her and her family...did the dinner thing, got presents from her, got his cell phone bill taken care of, and now he has that much more to spend on other stuff, if he can get away. Whatever....whether or not that's his motive, I know I'm not going to keep second guessing it or taking his inventory. I was here to help him with some things he needed my help for, as well as give him a little something for his birthday, and he didn't show up, 3 times now, regardless of his excuses or motives. I'm not mad...it's just another reminder to me how self-absorbed he is now. I'm so glad to be over the stress of worrying what to do for his birthday and to get real already!! Thanks again.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
I'm sorry he stood you up so many times. Yeah, I understand how after awhile, you don't feel angry, just more or less resigned to the fact that they are in selfish mode and other people's feelings don't really even enter into it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Yep. thanks Suki. It's nice to know you can relate. Funny, how after a while, once you see the madness of their addiction and how you start to get over being affected by it, that detaching starts to become the most natural way of dealing with it. I don't even take it personally now because I know he's so caught up in himself and his addiction that he can't even really help it. Yeah, it's still kinda sad that my son turned out this way, but dammit, he's an addict, and that's what addicts do.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Yeah, it's still kinda sad that my son turned out this way, but dammit, he's an addict, and that's what addicts do.
Thank you vaya, for sharing your story.
Beth
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