Krys

I was anorexic. It started in my teens, I was admitted to an inpatient program for a month and then did 2 weeks of outpatient treatment. It did not stick. I gained the weight and stayed stable for 6 years, but the mental part of it did not fully get through. I think it was because I was so young. A few things contributed to my relapse. 1.) moving thousands of miles away from my home (change is always a trigger) 2.) my abusive ex 3.) I did not apply anything I learned in the hospital to my life. Luckily I did listen and learn though and when I was ready I took action. My bottom with it was when I was sleeping one night. I woke up with heart palpitations. I realized I had successfully cut myself off from everyone who cared about me and if I died there that night no one would know for days. I sat up and made a list of everything I wanted to do in life and would not be able to do if I allowed it to take my life. I also made a list of baby steps I would take to start (they were tiny, like eat breakfast...) threw out the scale (holy anxiety attack Batman!!) and also made a list of small life goals (like reconnecting with friends, learning to say NO and stick up for myself). I found that most of what was going on was my lack of power. I let people walk all over me and that had to stop. I started expressing myself and it all got easier every day. I went to a therapist, wrote constantly in a journal and got better. I think that night was my bottom. Once I realized all I would miss out on I got fed up and was done with it. Right now I struggle with self image issues sometimes, but I never go down that road. I have too much to lose now. Having my ABF around has helped too, despite his issues he is a good self esteem booster and he never lets me wallow in self pity for long.

Jenny1232

Oh my gosh, that scale! I HATE the scale. I still cringe weighing myself too. Congrats on overcoming your anorexia. I was anorexic when I was 16, but it wasn't conscious at all. My bulimia didn't even become conscious until I started b&p ALL day long.

I know how tough that is to over come!! It's a lifelong struggle, but at least you learned some recovery techniques. Altering your thought pattern is so hard to do, especially in this society, with body images. I shower in the dark. I hate taking my bra off. I don't like mirrors. It's strange. I hope it gets easier, one day.

Krys

It does, I just expect it to be a little tougher during stressful times and then it doesn't get to me as much. When I am having a yucky day (like not wanting to be around mirrors!) I try to figure out what was going on that day or that week that made me focus so much on my weight. Usually it makes sense once I figure it out and then that need to use it to get through things goes away. I think once you really start to work on yourself (which you seem to be doing!) and start to build confidence it will get better and better. You said you hike and like to do things outdoors? Me too! My ABF and I do little zip trips to towns in our area we have never been to and hike and sightsee. I think anything you can do to make yourself feel good will help. I really hope you find a therapist soon, it really helps me to bounce things off of mine and know that she has my best interest at heart even if some days I don't! I'll say a little prayer that you get a call back!

Jenny1232

Thanks so much!!! You live in MA, what general area! There's got to be tons of hiking nearby! I went there with my ex.. we went up to NH and climbed MT. Washington, then spent time in boston, and did some rock climbing at an indoor gym there. It's awesome!!! The mountains up north are AMAZING, all those waterfalls! You should definitely take advantage!!!

Krys

We do! I've never climbed Mt Washington but I did hike up there last summer. We hiked the flume gorge (beautiful!) and then went to the Mt Washington Hotel for lunch. We were going to do the zip line but it started raining :-( It is a great place to live...now if only we could get rid of those taxes and get some predictable weather we would be all set! lol If I ever get around to actually doing something with my profile on this site I will post pics!

newlife24

abusive men dont deal well w/ criticism.
I WOULD NOT show him that.
I was in your shoes years ago.
He was EXTREMELY jealous, was w/ me 24/7, accused me of cheating, etc etc.
Only to find HE was the one cheating.
He threated to stalk me if I ever left him, and he threatened to kill me.
He almost got me fired from my job and I lost alot of respect and self worth.
He REALLY did a number on my self esteem.
I completely agree with these other posts, it sounds abusive to me.
Everyone makes their own decisions, but please don't be afraid to walk away if you need to. I was scared to leave but thankfully, my ex got fired and was told to stay away from me and my workplace per the police.
yes, the POLICE got involved on a domestic dispute involving him threatening to kill another coworker!
Nothing good comes from love/hate.
I could be wrong about this, but NO ONE deserves to be put down, especially not by someone who is supposed to love you.
That is not love. That is control.
Sorry, but I had to be honest here.
I wish I wouldve listened years ago to my best friend and my family. It would have saved me 4 years of heartache.
What do you parents and friends think about him?? This is a huge clue in itself.
Listen to those people. They can see things that you are not aware of.
take care of yourself my friend.

Jenny1232

The flume gorge is AMAZING!!! God, that was so beautiful! I have several pictures from there!! I'd love to live up there, but you're right about the weather!

Jenny1232

Thanks friend! My friends think he's pyscho, and they all also say, "I think he really loves you, he just has serious issues". My brothers and parents like him a lot. They know we're both crazy, but he spends a lot of time with him.. and they like him.

He can be abusive, but he's not to the extent of your abuser above. He's never threatened to stalk or kill me.. and we've broken up several times, and he never did anything crazy.. except text me his pity story and say how much he missed me, or something along those lines.

He's crazy. I'm crazy. He's abusive. I'm abusive.

I guess I just recognize the patterns now. I work on my end, and I reject his end. I dunno. It's bad, but it's not THAT bad. I won't tolerate it, if nothing changes... but we're both definitely giving it everything we've got. We're making compromises now to keep each other happy.. just not being selfish.

It's hard to explain without defending him. I know thing have been bad, can be bad.. but they're not right now.. So my judgement is clouded.

I'm hopeful.. so, we'll see.

jerect

Just be careful Jenny, No one here will judge you on your decision to stay with your bf, thats your decision and you are the only one that knows whats right for you. But have a plan in case you need to leave in a hurry or you feel threatened in any way.

My ex husband was not an addict, he was just a controlling, manipulating man. I never dreamed that once our divorce was final that he would stalk me and harass me, because that was something that I thought he wasn't, but he did. When he found out that I was dating someone else (months after the divorce was final) he went ballistic and followed me around town, drove by my apartment all hours of the night and called me and texted me relentlessly. He was fine after the divorce but when I started seeing someone else and moving on with my life, things got ugly and his true colors came out. So please don't under estimate your situation.

So please be careful girl, always put you, your safety and your peace of mind first. I made up my mind a long time ago that I would never sacrifice my physical, mental or emotional health for anyone ever again.

OceanSize

i hear this a lot too.

just a heads up about being in a state of euphoria over the reconiciliation versus how easy or difficult it will be when you have to maintain a boundary.

anyhow, i totally do relate to the above.

and i still don't know what's going on. at all. limbo. guess i'll just dance.

hello-kitty

Don't we all.

What are your boundaries? What kind of treatment is absolutely unacceptable to you in a relationship? Do you have any deal-breakers?

Maybe try making a list and see if that matches up to the reality of the situation.

Jenny1232

I agree with you entirely Hello-Kitty.. which is why I'm still working on the relatioship.

I ceratinaly DO have boundaries.. and he knows them. He hasn't crossed any yet.. because when he's nearing it, I talk to him about it. We've developed a "key word" to keep us calm during arguments.. and to focus on the important aspects. We have a tendency to fight over EVERYTHING.. so we're trying to STOP.. and it's going pretty well.

There are unacceptable things I do.. and I'm working on those too. Perhaps I should write out a list... or keep a very accesible mental note!