Jenny1232

So.. I've been lurking here, yet, afraid to write anything.

I took him back.

Thing have been great in fact. We've been going to the gym everyday. He stopped smoking (to my knowledge). We've been communicating pretty well.. all the lovey dovey things that follow our little frequent reunions. Well, today we got in a fight. I was sick of the interrogation.

Yes. We were broken up and I met another guy ONLINE. I never met him in person. I knew him for one week. I lied about the exact website I met him on... but do I deserve 850 questions to make me feel guilty? I understand he feels betrayed, and that I hurt him. I've apologized.. but, we WERE broken up. I know it wasn't the 'right' thing to do, but was it really so, 'wrong', that I deserve to feel like **** all the time from him? I was honest about this guy. Yeah, I lied at first, but I fessed up a day later.

My problems:

I'm laying in bed.. dwelling. "What's he doing right now" "Is he smoking" "He better not be drinking or I'm going to be PISSED". I'm trying to shake these feelings, and I'm having a hard time.

I'm wondering; did I make the right choice? The more I read other peoples stories, the more discouraged I become. Is this fair to him? Is it fair for me to just sit back, observe and wait for him to screw up, so I can thank, "HAH, I KNEW IT". I shouldn't even be questioning this. In fact, I wasn't, until today. He really urked me with the interrogation. I know what I've done wrong. The thing is, I fight everyday to not question about his drinking, etc. He doesn't do the same for me. As I say I'm sitting here.. pondering his actions, I'm not ACTING out and asking him.. so WHY does he feel the right to question me so damn much?

Does anyone have experience with getting the third degree on everything? He says he can't trust me.. but he's done this from day one.

I'm pretty irritated right now. I do love this guy, I do. I don't want to lose him. I tried over a month without him... and I wasn't happy. Maybe it wasn't long enough, but I want to be with him. Yes, I made that choice. He says all the things I want to hear; I just hope he really means them.

*SIGHS*

Ann

Instead of enjoying the healthy part of your relationship, it seems to me you are both spending way too much time imagining what "might be".

He thinks too much about what you did when you were broken up, and you worry too much whether he is using or not and what he says and thinks.

This is codependent on both sides. Perhaps some serious work is required, meetings or counseling, that would help you regardless of whether this works with him or not.

Your life is your choice, but this is beginning to sound pretty toxic.

Hugs

OceanSize

hi Jenny.

first off, it's ok - try to forgive yourself so you can relax long enough to feel grounded.

i understand what you are saying about wanting to be with him, and that's ok too.

I think the most important part is noticing whether or not you are taking care of yourself. Then maybe you can deal with the issue, which seems to be the way you react, or feel about the interrogations you experience (not saying they aren't real, just saying that's your experience).

in other words Jenny: time out.

you can still be together, but it sounds like it's a good point for a time out (a day?) to just figure out what really matters.

i realize this is a cheesy answer. i've been working all night so my brain is mush. but welcome back.

jerect

My EX husband was like this, I couldn't even go out with a girlfriend without 60 million questions and then at least 30 phone calls when I was not in his sight. There was no reason for him to treat me this way, he just did Not a fun way to live and it ruined my first marriage.

Trust is such an integeral part of a relationship and once it is broken because of a lie, drugs, infidelity or because someone is insecure and refuses to trust to begin with, the relationship is NEVER going to work, there will always be chaos and always be issues that will never be resolved.

I agree with what Ann said, this relationship has codependent written all over it!!! Have you read the book codependent no more? If not, go to your library and get it and read it this weekend. You will have a better understanding of why you keep getting sucked into your bf's life and you will find the tools you need to heal your life.

I hope you find some peace and happiness whether you decided to stay or leave your bf, you deserve a life of sanity and without chaos.

Jenny1232

Oceansize... you mention a time out. Well, we went from living together, to barely seeing each other for 6 weeks, to now only spending an hour together at the gym, then going separate ways...

I never really considered him to be co-dependent, but I guess so. I am trying to take care of myself. Part of that was not letting him berate me over my mistakes. I've admitted, I've apologized, and I'm moving forward.

Is it really abnormal to focus on the negative so much? Mine is related to my fear of abandonment.. so I think I try and prepare myself for the inevitable. I could actually same the same thing about him.

Not a fun way to live and it ruined my first marriage.

Jerect,

Did you leave your husband for this reason? Would be understandably so.

I am actually reading co-dependent anymore. I got a little side tracked with finals, but it's still next to me, and I still do daily reading on-line. So, is he co-dependent because he tries to change/control me? I'm not positive how it applies in his case.

hello-kitty

Jenny, don't feel like you are unique in this. You aren't the first person to take back their drug addict boyfriend only to feel immediate doubts which usually graduate into regrets and then another break up - only to repeat the cycle over and over. It's called co-dependency and that's why this forum exists.

When the pain of staying becomes more than the pain of leaving, you'll be done. No one said it was easy. This is the time to work on you - work on recognizing your personal values and self-worth and allign them with the behaviors in your life.

But protect yourself girlfriend - he sounds a little crazy and mean from your last posts so that causes me worry. Make an escape plan for the next time (when and if it happens.) What can YOU do differently in your life so you feel better and more stable?

Life only gets easier when we work on our own problems - and leave our addict abusive boyfriends/husbands to their own devices.

It really doesn't matter if he's codependent. Sounds like he has TONS of issues and codependency could be easily mixed in there. You can't fix him. You CAN fix you.

Jenny1232

Thank you Hello-Kitty.. Really, thank you. I'm still working on finding a therapist. I call and call, and get nothing but voicemails. Who knew it'd be so damn hard?

I'm trying to protect myself, and I have been standing up. I had to laugh when you said he sounds crazy.. I guess we're both a little psycho. I do feel he's crazy.. but it balances out with his sweet, loving side. I'm not sure what's real anymore. I see him crying, telling me he loves me, he wants a family.. and I want to believe that's the real him.

I guess the best thing for me is to continue trying to work it out with him, all the while standing my ground. I'm not going to be beat down any longer, and I've made that very clear to him. I think he's starting to see, because he's been backing off. He's mentioned we need to find new ways to deal with each other, and let things go, and to re-teach ourselves how to treat each other. It's things like that, that make me think he's not ALL that crazy - he knows what needs to happen.

He FINALLY found out the source of his back pain - so pain pills are gone.
He quit smoking and is taking the steps to get healthy WITH me, not just FOR me.
He isn't drunk 24/7 either.
He has been taking me on dates.. picnics, camping, movies, dinner, etc.

I see he's trying.. and I'm trying..

I'm still doing things for myself.. I'm kind of doing them with him at the same time though. Exericise and stopping smoking were my biggest obstacles, and he's right by my side. I'm still educating myself of abuse, co-dependency and addiction. I'm gathering my self-worth! I'm trying not to focus on his issues so much. You're right with everything you've said.. and I'm half-way there!

Thanks!!!

coffeedrinker

this has been my experience:

1. the addict pulls a no-show, either is being completely absent and disrespectful, or is using.

2. coffeedrinker goes into full-blown State. obsesses, worried, scared, can't function, starts smoking, tries to reach addict. in my panic, all i want is to know he's ok, all i want is to hear his voice, feel his touch.

3. addict finally shows up, or replies to message

4. instant relief, assuredness that he's "ok", can't wait to see him. enter honeymoon period (for both of us). lasts for days or weeks.


i liken it to an addict, who is not using, but still shakey. one day, the craving is so intense, you know you shouldn't reach for that drug, but you can't stand it. you know it's not good for you, and you know that you're screwed up, but you also know the incredible feeling that will come over you if you just take that hit. you finally give in, and while you're living in the incredible, you delude yourself that it's just gonna happen again.

5. repeat pattern

hello-kitty

Yep. coffeedrinker. great post.

My "addiction" has now progressed to the following cycle 5 years later.

My addict (who is no longer my boyfriend, but still my son's father) disappears for months - no contact with his son. His son misses him and I just feel REALLY PISSED OFF. I think (and hope and pray) that he never comes back again. But I'm still kind of pissed off and I wonder where he is and WTF he is thinking. I realize he's not thinking he's just high. But I still can't help wondering WHY!

Then a few months later he shows up - all apologetic and contrite, begging for forgiveness. At first I don't take his calls. But his little boy loves him dearly and just wants his dad. I feel so guilty for keeping them apart. I finally answer a call and let him see his son. His son is so happy. Everything is "good" (Except I have a feeling of foreboding and impending doom.) His dad is reliable for a couple months. It's the honeymoon period again. He keeps telling me he loves me and wants to be a family. I find that concept disgusting and don't go for it. But the thought lingers in my mind that he's changed - that he's not the sociopathic drug addicted loser that I thought he was because he is so sweet and his son loves him so much.

Then he disappears again.

The cycle starts over.

Not this time. I need to change. I need to be different.

Jenny1232

Gosh Coffeedrinker, you just nail my exact feelings. I could feel the intensity fill me up with thoughts of him while reading that.

He seriously is MY drug.
I am HIS drug.
We are a toxic combination.. but damn, it feels SO good.

"that he's not the sociopathic drug addicted loser that I thought he was because he is so sweet"

ugh.. this is my constant battle in my mind. I'm just going to hope for the best.. again. those are such harsh words.. but the truth. He's not on drugs.. but theres always some sort of abuse taking place.. be it self-destructive behavior, or harming the ones he loves with demeaning words..

sighs

hello-kitty

You just think it feels good - but that's just your addiction talking. It feels better when you recover. Trust me. Relying on toxic people (or substances) to make you feel good is a lie.

Freedom1990

This is the abusive ABF, correct?

Jenny1232

Yes.. I was a tad afraid of that. Sometimes.. when he's talking to me.. all I hear is as you all say, "quack quack quack"... I just keep thinking, damnit, he's trying to manipulate me again.

Well.. he says a lot of sweet things. How important I am to him. What he wants in his life/future. He wants me to be a part of it, etc. I guess I have to rely upon SOMEONE other than myself to share a future and kids with.. He goes out of his way to make me happy. Like this sunday, we're going to my grandmothers for breakfast because it's her birthday. It's just little things. I've never been treated very well, or made to feel important in any relationship (including the self) so I guess that's why I cling to the good times...

He's definitely controlling.. and I am too. I fight the urge to control him, I really do. I've got serious issues. Yesterday, he didn't want to hang out after the gym to talk because he wanted to have dinner with his family, and damn if I didn't get all mopey. It's ridiculous, but my mood just went blllllloooooooop (could be my new birthconrol, because I started bawling twenty minutes later for no reason). I've definitely got issues to resolve...

Freedom, Yes.. this is the verbally abusive boyfriend. I'm weak. A failure. Or, i'm just naive. Or, all of the above.

Hello-Kitty, that couldn't be more true either... I'm so dang frustrated right now. I do love him, I do. It makes things so difficult for me.

Freedom1990

Jenny, there is no delicate way to put this. That man has the potential to kill you when in one of his rages.

You're not being honest with yourself again on just what he has done to you.

I was lucky to escape my abusive EXAH with my life.

You may not be so lucky.

I don't believe I am being dramatic about this either.

Women die and are seriously injured every day at the hands of their abuser.

queenteree

So very well said Anvilhead! Perfect!!!!!

Jenny1232

*sighs* - I really don't think he'd KILL me.. that's a tad far-fetched.. but nothing can be put past anyone..

I can't say I disagree with you guys.. I can't say I'd just go break up with him again, and say I made a mistake. I'd feel like I was giving up.. but maybe I'm giving up on myself by staying. I guess the thing is.. if I end things.. how long would I stick to it for again? I doubt very long. I suppose I'd rather see where things lead, and take the right course of action from there.

Thanks for everyones concerns. Maybe I've portrayed him to be worse than he really is.. Or maybe I make too many damn excused for him. I know if things continue the way they HAVE been in the past, I will NOT continue this relationship. Our fighting/arguing was more constructive than it's ever been, so I remain hopeful...

Jenny1232

I've read this before.. the sad truth is almost yes to THEM all..

BUT...

He could probably answer yes to most of them all regarding me too. I never really considered myself abusive.. maybe I am?

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior

Do you:

* feel afraid of your partner much of the time? Not physically, but do not want to upset him
* avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? VERY often.. almost any and every topic that would displease him I avoid
* feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner? 99% of the time.. my efforts are never enough
* believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? Sure don't
* wonder if you’re the one who is crazy? Indeed, I do
* feel emotionally numb or helpless? Meh.. At times, yes



Does your partner:

* humiliate or yell at you? Humiliate me, only to myself.. Yell, quite often...
* criticize you and put you down? Sure does; but he'd deny that one
* treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? No, he's an angel in front of everyone else
* ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? Iffy on this one...
* blame you for his own abusive behavior? YES, if I hadn't done this or that, he wouldn't be so mad
* see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person? NO! Entirely the OPPOSITE

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior

Does your partner:

* have a bad and unpredictable temper? Very much so. I'm terrified to ever express myself for fear that I will set him off
* hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? Only emotionally
* threaten to take your children away or harm them? N/A
* threaten to commit suicide if you leave? Never
* force you to have sex? Certainly NOT
* destroy your belongings? YES...he has before.. and I retaliated in return



Does your partner:

* act excessively jealous and possessive? Unbelievably so
* control where you go or what you do? For the most part, yes.. as I do him
* keep you from seeing your friends or family? Meh, not really
* limit your access to money, the phone, or the car? Not at all
* constantly check up on you? If we're apart and I'm NOT at work, yes.. it's not too obsessive though.

Understanding emotional abuse

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

I don't feel like this is his intention though. Perhaps it's unconcious for him? I know without him.. I have something. Myself and my family and my hobbies and SR!

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

He definitely controls me; He's read my entire journal, snooped through old cds of pictures and gotten mad at what he foudn, gone through my phone endlessly, etc. It's constant interrogation. I'm called every name in the book. I'm told I'm a stupid little girl, it's my fault, no one will love me like he does, I'm losing a good thing, I made this bed and now I must sleep in it, I'm constantly put to shame.. a constant reminder of all my wrong-doings to make me feel so incredibly guilty. When I apologize thirty times.. I later hear, "you can't even say you're sorry". I think I'm talking to thin air.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so. Agreed. I feel pretty damaged inside.. but I'm a work in progress


Well thank you Anvilhead.. this sure puts things into perspective. Maybe I will print this out and show him.. or my therapist.. or a constant reminder...

hello-kitty

Do you have a therapist Jenny? I thought you mentioned earlier that you hadn't found one yet. Keep looking! Don't be put off by voicemails. And maybe call a crisis line if you need a referral to a therapist. They may have listing of folks that are currently accepting patients.

Work as hard on your recovery as you do trying to make this relationship work out and things will get better for you.

And yes. Please don't show this to him. This isn't about him. This is about you. It'll just cause more problems... He's not going to be able to fix you anymore than you are going to be able to fix him.

Jenny1232

but.. do you think he views me as his victim? Is this a conscious thing? Growing up he watched his mother be abused.. and he despised it.. but, yet, he's so verbally abusive, so he has no control.

You're right again.. I feel like if only I were nicer, etc. I'm not going to kill myself over trying to damn hard anymore though. He really seems THAT bad to you guys?

Lol, and anvilhead, that's the like nicest post of yours I've ever read.. when I get an email that says, "reply from anvilhead" I literally cringe with fear, because I know you'll put me in my place. It's not a bad thing, because you speak the truth.

No, I don't have a therapist yet. I'm searching. Only a select few take my insurance, and they can't get me in until after June. I'm looking actively though, seeking something. I meant I'd show them WHEN i get into therapy. Why is it so bad to show him this? I won't.. is it because this man doesn't think like a "normal" person? Or it won't make a difference?

hello-kitty

I don't know how the man thinks but what's the point in showing him? If you are trying to "change" him by showing him, or trying to make him realize something by showing him, it's certainly not going to work. AND it could make him angry. Best case scenario showing him has what effect?

I think we overanalyze things and make life much more difficult than it needs to be.

What does your life look like now? What do you want it to look like? And what do you need to do to get there?

These are really the only questions I think we need to focus on. Everything else is just chatter and distracting background noise.