Just a thought about Addicted Men
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by cb1504 
And that's what I need to hear. That there is hope for people addicted to drugs that are stronger than a mother's love.
It wasn't until that day that I clearly told God I was tired of living that way, that I simply didn't have the strength to go on, that miracles started to happen.
For my EXAH, death was the ultimate outcome for him. He went through rehab shortly before me, but chose to drink/drug the day he got out.
He contracted HIV while I was in rehab. He died a few years ago from AIDS-related complications. He was 47.
Why, when both of us were presented the same tools of recovery did I embrace it, and he returned to active addiction?
I can't give you a definite answer other than he was court-ordered by his parole officer and didn't really want it.
It wasn't that his mother didn't love him because she surely did. She had two sons in active addiction, and even through my own disease, I could see the pain she and her husband suffered.
I don't use the word hope when it comes to my AD because hope is an emotion based on the possible outcome of future events.
What I do have is faith, faith that God has a plan for her just as he had for me.
That brutal and violent marriage to my EXAH was the catalyst in my finally hitting a bottom and seeking help.
At the time, it seemed the worst thing possible to happen to me...the beatings, the dealing drugs out of the house, the lies, the infidelities.
Sometimes what appears to be a nightmare at the time turns out to be a blessing in disguise, and that is why I have faith today in God's plan for my AD.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 118
Freedom,
I don't know what God's plan is for her. I don't know if it includes keeping her alive through addiction to sobriety. I can only hope. I have faith that He will have it His way. I can only hope for her to have life. I can only hope she finds recovery before death finds her.
God gave me many tools and I would be remiss if I did not use them to the best of my ability. When my child is ready to fly from the nest, she will.
I am so grateful that his plan was to keep you alive and grateful that you've chosen to share here today.
Thank you so very much.
I don't know what God's plan is for her. I don't know if it includes keeping her alive through addiction to sobriety. I can only hope. I have faith that He will have it His way. I can only hope for her to have life. I can only hope she finds recovery before death finds her.
God gave me many tools and I would be remiss if I did not use them to the best of my ability. When my child is ready to fly from the nest, she will.
I am so grateful that his plan was to keep you alive and grateful that you've chosen to share here today.
Thank you so very much.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
From my own thread.
Dear Friend - I posted this on my own thread this morning, after realizing some very angry entries of my own, and reading YOUR entry about the person who passed away like 10 years ago in your life.
I am going to re-post it HERE, just hoping to let you really know how much YOU'VE HELPED ME........ helped get my anger in check, apologize for some of the things I exposed in my thread that upset me about my current AXBF, and without knowing it, I was JUDGING him, publicly, how awful of me!
But we are here for each other, and I had overwhelming compassion for my current AXBF -through your entry, I was able to see past my own anger. Thank You!
Here We GO:
"I know from reading other posts that it's anger that is displaced to mask my own PAIN.
I gave up sleeping with the phone when he was supposed to call, yet he didn't call, months ago. I tried to walk away, even started dating another man, but knew he had an underlying drinking problem in his past, too, by talking with him and his adult children... why not go back to the person I KNOW what to expect from? And moreover, now I figured I'd take him back because I had hope, he begun recovery, now. THIS is what I've been waiting for from him, after all!............
The suspicions are there, everyday, they are there.... is Today the day he has a melt-down n starts that life of craziness again??! And the kind of upset and chaos it brings to MY life makes me crazier than committed people who need institutionalized.... at least that what it feels like, for me! I feel NUTS. Just feel completely out of control. I pray that day NEVER comes!
Yet everytime I talk to, or see, my son, I have to remember drinking and drugs, put together with a 9 millimeter, made me a SOLE parent. I chose to not marry him, having already divorced a cross addict... and we ALL lost ...(my son's father)... to death. I have a tremendous amount of guilt over that, although in my heart of hearts I still know HE had to quit, and I couldn't help him stop! Back then (over 18 years ago) I made him move out, when I found out I was pregnant, knowing trying to raise kids, keep bills paid, was impossible when your partners addictions are stronger than his abilities to overcome the urge to dip into bill money. I HAD to provide a stable home then. My son will ALWAYS be without a father.
He died May 17, 2003. Rest in Peace. I always loved you, my friend!
Thanks to people still reading my thread.
Thanks for your support.
I love my family here!
Kim"
Again, I thank you.
I am going to re-post it HERE, just hoping to let you really know how much YOU'VE HELPED ME........ helped get my anger in check, apologize for some of the things I exposed in my thread that upset me about my current AXBF, and without knowing it, I was JUDGING him, publicly, how awful of me!
But we are here for each other, and I had overwhelming compassion for my current AXBF -through your entry, I was able to see past my own anger. Thank You!
Here We GO:
"I know from reading other posts that it's anger that is displaced to mask my own PAIN.
I gave up sleeping with the phone when he was supposed to call, yet he didn't call, months ago. I tried to walk away, even started dating another man, but knew he had an underlying drinking problem in his past, too, by talking with him and his adult children... why not go back to the person I KNOW what to expect from? And moreover, now I figured I'd take him back because I had hope, he begun recovery, now. THIS is what I've been waiting for from him, after all!............
The suspicions are there, everyday, they are there.... is Today the day he has a melt-down n starts that life of craziness again??! And the kind of upset and chaos it brings to MY life makes me crazier than committed people who need institutionalized.... at least that what it feels like, for me! I feel NUTS. Just feel completely out of control. I pray that day NEVER comes!
Yet everytime I talk to, or see, my son, I have to remember drinking and drugs, put together with a 9 millimeter, made me a SOLE parent. I chose to not marry him, having already divorced a cross addict... and we ALL lost ...(my son's father)... to death. I have a tremendous amount of guilt over that, although in my heart of hearts I still know HE had to quit, and I couldn't help him stop! Back then (over 18 years ago) I made him move out, when I found out I was pregnant, knowing trying to raise kids, keep bills paid, was impossible when your partners addictions are stronger than his abilities to overcome the urge to dip into bill money. I HAD to provide a stable home then. My son will ALWAYS be without a father.
He died May 17, 2003. Rest in Peace. I always loved you, my friend!
Thanks to people still reading my thread.
Thanks for your support.
I love my family here!
Kim"
Again, I thank you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 118
Secret,
Thank you for posting over here. I specifically stayed away from your thread. I've just not been fit company lately and had nothing nice to say - so opted for saying nothing.
One of my favorite parts of this program is the part where we get to learn from each other.
I wish you all the best and I'll see you around,
CB
CB
Thank you for posting over here. I specifically stayed away from your thread. I've just not been fit company lately and had nothing nice to say - so opted for saying nothing.
One of my favorite parts of this program is the part where we get to learn from each other.
I wish you all the best and I'll see you around,
CB
CB
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
CB, I have been thinking a lot about how important it is for you to feel you are keeping your daughter alive. I feel so helpless about my AS, watching him slowly destroying himself, throwing away all his talents. I remember saying to a friend how your perspective change when you have an AD/AS. The fact that they are still alive becomes more important than anything else. I can understand that for you to think you are keeping her alive can give you a sense of purpose and counteract the sense of utter helplessness we experience as parents.
The truth is we cannot keep our children alive, only God can. They live or die by the grace of God and not by anything we do. I shudder at the guilt you will feel if your daughter were to die. You have taken on a responsibility that must weigh very heavily on you. I know, because I tried to save my son too for 9 years and I remember how it drained my energy and how angry I was at him for making me fail. I am now busy with the first step: I am reminding myself all the time that I have no power over his addiction.
The truth is we cannot keep our children alive, only God can. They live or die by the grace of God and not by anything we do. I shudder at the guilt you will feel if your daughter were to die. You have taken on a responsibility that must weigh very heavily on you. I know, because I tried to save my son too for 9 years and I remember how it drained my energy and how angry I was at him for making me fail. I am now busy with the first step: I am reminding myself all the time that I have no power over his addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 118
My, my, my.
What the hell is this?
"I have been thinking a lot about how important it is for you to feel you are keeping your daughter alive"
How the initial focus of this thread has changed. From me wondering why people would choose to have an addict in thier lives - to so many of you letting me know exactly what I need to do to conform to your way of thinking and living.
I don't agree with many of the ways of this program - it's just all that's available for me right now for support. I am, once again, openly exploring it.
Although I disagree with so much that you use daily to get by, I embrace the fact that you've found this program and that it works for you. I respect where you come from and the strength it took you to get here - even though I clearly see we disagree here and there.
I have thoughts that I believe to be truths as do you. They aren't all going to be the same.
I wonder if you might find a way to accept me the way I am so that I can stop having to justify my feelings and argue with you about things we disagree on. Can't we just disagree?
I know I disagree with the above post. I refuse to justify my thoughts, feelings and beliefs again. I did not attack anyone personally when they did not agree with my view of who people should or shouldn't date.
I've also recieved plenty of good advice and support from this thread, it's fairly easy to tell the difference.
CB
Maybe I did attack in general. I seem to recall using the word "FOOLS". If you feel I've attacked you personally, it was never my intention. There are many things here I would like to understand and why people choose chaos is one of them.
What the hell is this?
"I have been thinking a lot about how important it is for you to feel you are keeping your daughter alive"
How the initial focus of this thread has changed. From me wondering why people would choose to have an addict in thier lives - to so many of you letting me know exactly what I need to do to conform to your way of thinking and living.
I don't agree with many of the ways of this program - it's just all that's available for me right now for support. I am, once again, openly exploring it.
Although I disagree with so much that you use daily to get by, I embrace the fact that you've found this program and that it works for you. I respect where you come from and the strength it took you to get here - even though I clearly see we disagree here and there.
I have thoughts that I believe to be truths as do you. They aren't all going to be the same.
I wonder if you might find a way to accept me the way I am so that I can stop having to justify my feelings and argue with you about things we disagree on. Can't we just disagree?
I know I disagree with the above post. I refuse to justify my thoughts, feelings and beliefs again. I did not attack anyone personally when they did not agree with my view of who people should or shouldn't date.
I've also recieved plenty of good advice and support from this thread, it's fairly easy to tell the difference.
CB
Maybe I did attack in general. I seem to recall using the word "FOOLS". If you feel I've attacked you personally, it was never my intention. There are many things here I would like to understand and why people choose chaos is one of them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by cb1504
From me wondering why people would choose to have an addict in thier lives - to so many of you letting me know exactly what I need to do to conform to your way of thinking and living.
There's a really good saying around the rooms:
Take what you like and leave the rest.
If this isn't what you want, that's fine. But this is what is offered here.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Ot
Originally Posted by Chino
You are choosing to have an addict in your life too, and this IS a 12 step forum, you know?
There's a really good saying around the rooms:
Take what you like and leave the rest.
If this isn't what you want, that's fine. But this is what is offered here.
There's a really good saying around the rooms:
Take what you like and leave the rest.
If this isn't what you want, that's fine. But this is what is offered here.
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
This forum just seemed to have clarity and maturity and has helped me get my mind clear. - OT, but important to say, I so agree with you wheredoiturn...this forum is special...it gives me so much...I just hope I can give back a little in return... Others may not always agree with what everyone has to say...but there is always someone in the audience who can relate...and will walk away with a nugget of wisdom that they can take with them and apply in their lives. That's the gift...someone, somewhere needs your insight, your voice...not everyone...but there is always one who does.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Originally Posted by cb1504
How the initial focus of this thread has changed. From me wondering why people would choose to have an addict in thier lives - to so many of you letting me know exactly what I need to do to conform to your way of thinking and living.
I wonder if you might find a way to accept me the way I am so that I can stop having to justify my feelings and argue with you about things we disagree on. Can't we just disagree?
I wonder if you might find a way to accept me the way I am so that I can stop having to justify my feelings and argue with you about things we disagree on. Can't we just disagree?
We are not here to conform anyone, to argue, nor does anyone have to justify their feelings. We are here to share our experience, strength and hope, and sometimes our experiences differ.
We are also not a group of people who always subscribe to the same way of thinking. Some follow the steps, some do not, some attend Alanon, and again, some do not. In fact, many of us are comfortable marching to a different drummer, which is what makes our sharing so special.
And it is that sharing that allows us to open our minds to the possibility that there may be another way to live, other than in the chaos of addiction.
In the end, it remains our lives and our decisions.
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