Krys

So my Boyfriend recently relapsed and has made some great steps towards recovery in the last week and a half. One of those steps was cutting ties to a person he considered a best friend (the rest of the world considers him and addict and drug dealer). He was laid off for a couple of months and injured his back which led to the relapse, and he did it all with this so called friend. He went back to work last week which was a huge relief for both of us and things seemed to be going back to normal...well as normal as they could be after having everything turned upside down for a bit. I get home tonight to find out that his boss got the schedule wrong (he works construction) and they can not start the second phase of the job until mid May. Ouch. Not only does this put the stress back on him (not working was a big contributor to his relapse) but he has decided to work for another company in the mean time to stay busy. This would be a great idea except for the fact that the drug dealer friend also works for the company. Do I just let go and hope he doesn't fall on his face? I am really struggling between wanting to be supportive and wanting to tell him how I feel. I don't know that I can stay sane in this relationship if this guy is going to be a part of our lives. Every time he mentions his name I cringe. I feel like I am going crazy, I want to support him but I am so scared all the time. It's like knowing there is bomb in the house and that at any given moment it could blow everything into bits! Ugh.

suki44883

Tough one. Well, if it were me, I think I'd explain my fears and feelings in a non-confrontational way and then butt out. He is free to do whatever he wants to do, but you also have a right to your feelings.

Krys

Thanks guys, that was all great advice. I understand I have to let go, it's just so scary. I know I have a right to my feelings and to what I will and will not put up with, but I still feel so out of control. Mostly I think because I am caught between wanting to stay and believe that he is really committed and is taking this as a wake up call (and a way to make himself stronger), and wanting to run screaming for fear of waking up ten years from now miserable and wishing I had left earlier. He talks about it like he is getting help and moving past this quickly and everything we had planned is back on track. He wants to get married (we were planning on getting engaged this year) and have a family and I'm just not sure. A month ago if you had asked me if I could walk down the aisle happy and confident in out relationship I would have said yes. Now...not the case. I feel guilty, sad, angry...just conflicted really, all the time and it is driving me nuts! Here he is moving on as fast as he can and I am stuck going what the heck just happened here? He made a joke about me not trusting him (I told him trying to make me feel guilty about this is not going to work, he needs to give me time) last night and another this morning about going out to get crack after he goes grocery shopping. I told him I am just not at a point where I can make a joke about it, and I don't know if I ever will be. He is just so irritated that I am not getting over it right away, and it pisses me off. Anyway thanks for listening to my rant, this stuff can really drive me batty!

suki44883

You feel out of control because you are out of control regarding what he does. There is no way I would marry him if I was having the kinds of concerns you are currently having. He obviously does not respect your feelings if he feels free to joke about going out to buy crack. Let him be angry about you not getting over it in his time frame. You deserve to have your feelings acknowledged.

86753091

God damn the pusher man.

My daughter likes to make boyfriends of them. I don't have any answers - just wish you well.

Fortunately this guy is "just a boyfriend" and not a husband with legal ties and children. I hope this doesn't sound rude - but he's just a man...there are better ones available.

We, women have to be responsible for the choices we make in life.

cb

outonalimb

If you have any doubts at all, please do yourself a favor and take all the time you need to process everything.

I had a few red flags before I married my exah (not even relating to drug use). I married him, we had a beautiful son together, he started using heroin, and it has been such a battle. So much heartache. Once you get married and if you ever have kids, you won't have the choice as to whether this type of thing is acceptable. It will be part of your life forever even if you eventually divorce him. Even more difficult, it will be part of your child's life.

I wish I could go back 15 years and make smarter choices. I wish I had listened to that little voice inside of me that told me I might be making a mistake.

You were given a gift when you were allowed to see drug addiction on the horizon BEFORE you married him. He's trying to brush the issue under the rug for a reason. He lacks insight into his problem and he's trying to drag you into the land of ignorance with him. Be smarter. Be stronger. And above all, LOVE YOURSELF !!!!!!!!!

Jenny1232

wow! Reading your words is exactly where I am (minus the crack). I wish you the best. Listen to the wise words of these people, they rock. Ultimately, you'll do what you want (as I do), but being here has helped really put things in to perspective for me. Keep posting!

I have to agree with what everyone is saying though. Crack addiction is serious. I don't think I could EVER handle that.. then again, you never know until you're in the situation.

Might I ask how long you've been together? What is it that keeps you there, holding on to hope? Has anyone mentioned "Co-dependent no more" to you?

Krys

Hi Jenny! He was joking about "getting crack" his addiction is to prescription pain meds. It was his not so nice, not to mention sarcastic way of telling me to get over it. We have been together for 5 years. I guess what keeps me around is the fact that up until a month ago he was clean for a total of 6 years. We had a great relationship, I know people say that all the time, but we really did. The only problem we had before he hurt his back and got laid off (which only added to his anxiety disorder which has always been the reason for the self medicating) was the little things everyone argues over...the socks on the floor, whos turn it was to take out the trash, and of course the remote. lol. He honestly made me a better, more confident person and he said I did the same for him.This was a big wake up call and blow to the trust I had in him. I guess we were both fooling ourselves, he thought he was immune to relapse and in seeing how strong he was I believed that too. I am hoping this will make him (and us) stronger in the end, but today was a pretty good day...ask me tomorrow and I could be feeling/singing a different tune! He has been clean for 2 weeks now, I am praying that this latest set back with his job (his company brought him back and then sent everyone home until next week because they screwed up) does not make him want to run straight for the pills. You guys are all great, I really appreciate all of the advice! I am scared and not quite ready to make any big moves just yet, but trust me everything you have said has gone through my head. I do not have any children, but I have thought about how awful it would be if I did. I felt so bad and stupid for not having figured it out sooner, if there had been a child involved I think the guilt would have eaten me alive.

cinderellawkids

I hate to be the one to say it but most crack and heroin addicts didnt start with that and swore they never would, whatever you do, whatever you decide make sure you have lots of knowledge and don't put on rose colored glasses