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brother in "recovery" and will not support family

Old 04-09-2010, 12:28 AM
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brother in "recovery" and will not support family

Hi, I am new to this thread and I have never posted on a forum before, so please bare with me. I am the older sister of a "recovering" drug addict. I say "recovering" because I know he has taken drugs within the past 2 months. My brother used to be such a wonderful person. When he walked into a room, it was like Brad Pitt coming into contact with you. He had such a commanding presence, that you wanted to be around him, always. He is the baby, the only boy of 4 children, and is spoiled to death. Our problems have been on going since he was a teenager, but they really started in December of '08. Him and his new wife came in and my family were decorationg the Christmas tree. We looked at them and knew they were on something. His wife could barely stand up and he was so angry. My mother and father, which by the way, are two of the most loving parents you could ever wish for, were trying to calm him down and one of my sisters and I were trying to stop him from leaving because that's what family does, or at least my family, we were abnormally close as my friends would say. We stopped him from leaving and assumed he passed out in the back room. Did I mention he had and has no job and living with my parents at the time. I was talking to my fiancee on the phone, which is a trooper and I heard commotion in the front room. I walked in to see my brother on top of my father, who had just had knee surgery, in the chair and I immediately screamed and jumped on my daddy screaming for him to get away from him. The police were called and he was arrested for outstanding warrants. To make a long story short, our family has never been the same. My brother and sister n law were both addicts. My brother has a hit in run, DUI, warrants, arrests, shop lifting all on his record and my sister n law has 2 DUI's and shoplifting on her record. Did I mention she is twelve hours away from graduating with a degree in Math, so these are not dumb people. What makes this worse is my sister n law was pregnant at the time of her second DUI and totalled their one vehicle they had. They went into rehab, and my sister n law came out for the better, I think. My brother still has no job they are living up north with her mother. My family just couldn't take it anymore, financially and emotionally. Thank God my niece is a perfect, beautiful little girl with no complications from her drug use. They were in for Christmas, but my brother was arrested for shop lifting and ruined the entire week they were here. My sister n law's father died a few months back and she received a large amount of money. They have since spent almost $40,000 on a new vehicle that they didn't need. They don't even have a house to themselves. There is so much more I could say, but I feel I have written too much. I can't look my brother in the eye. When I speak to him I can't stand the words coming from his mouth because he has lied so much that I can't trust him. I know he was on Xanax at my grandfather's funeral and I just can't look at him. We were once so close and I want that back, but I feel it will never be the same. Is there anyone in this forum who has been through the same thing. He is ripping my mother and father apart. There was no abuse, no sad stories of our childhood. My family is upper middle class and gave all of us the world. There is no excuse for what he has done and I want him well but I can't get him well. I don't know if anyone can or even if he wants too. Please help. I feel if I say this to his face, he will never let me see my niece and that would kill me. Please, give me some advice. I am so sorry this is long, but I need some support. Thank you so much.
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Old 04-09-2010, 04:03 AM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. No one deserves this. You nailed one thing right on the head though - you cannot make him well. He has to want it for himself.

Question - is he going to meetings or doing anything to warrant being called "in recovery"?
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Old 04-09-2010, 07:49 AM
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No, he's been to rehab twice and has never attended a meeting outside of rehab. I've even looked them up and talked to couselors and begged him to go, that I would go with him, but he wouldn't. He said that's not for me. What's so sad is that my grandfather died just two short months ago unexpectedly, and I know and my family knows he was on something while he was there. I mean, at your own grandfather's funeral!!! I have lost respect for him because he has done nothing to help himself. No job, living with his wifes mother, new baby and not a pot to pee in. I am at a loss and feel so distant from him. I just don't know what to do.
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Old 04-09-2010, 08:01 AM
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I'm sorry for what has brought you here and am sorry for the pain you are experiencing.

Please remember that your brother's life is his own. He grew up in the same household you did, was provided with the same opportunities you were, what he chooses to do with his life going forward is his decision.

Saying things to him will not cause him to:
Stop using drugs
Start using drugs
Make him get a job
Make him support his family
Care about you, his wife, his child, his parents, etc.

I urge you to find NarAnon or AlAnon and continue to read here and post here.
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Old 04-09-2010, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by awk123 View Post
Hi, I am new to this thread and I have never posted on a forum before, so please bare with me. I am the older sister of a "recovering" drug addict. I say "recovering" because I know he has taken drugs within the past 2 months.

Taking drugs is active addiction, not recovery.

My brother used to be such a wonderful person. When he walked into a room, it was like Brad Pitt coming into contact with you. He had such a commanding presence, that you wanted to be around him, always. He is the baby, the only boy of 4 children, and is spoiled to death.

Our problems have been on going since he was a teenager, but they really started in December of '08. Him and his new wife came in and my family were decorationg the Christmas tree. We looked at them and knew they were on something. His wife could barely stand up and he was so angry. My mother and father, which by the way, are two of the most loving parents you could ever wish for, were trying to calm him down and one of my sisters and I were trying to stop him from leaving because that's what family does, or at least my family, we were abnormally close as my friends would say. We stopped him from leaving and assumed he passed out in the back room. Did I mention he had and has no job and living with my parents at the time.


I was talking to my fiancee on the phone, which is a trooper and I heard commotion in the front room. I walked in to see my brother on top of my father, who had just had knee surgery, in the chair and I immediately screamed and jumped on my daddy screaming for him to get away from him.

The police were called and he was arrested for outstanding warrants.

To make a long story short, our family has never been the same. My brother and sister n law were both addicts. My brother has a hit in run, DUI, warrants, arrests, shop lifting all on his record and my sister n law has 2 DUI's and shoplifting on her record.

Did I mention she is twelve hours away from graduating with a degree in Math, so these are not dumb people. What makes this worse is my sister n law was pregnant at the time of her second DUI and totalled their one vehicle they had.

They went into rehab, and my sister n law came out for the better, I think. My brother still has no job they are living up north with her mother. My family just couldn't take it anymore, financially and emotionally. Thank God my niece is a perfect, beautiful little girl with no complications from her drug use.

They were in for Christmas, but my brother was arrested for shop lifting and ruined the entire week they were here. My sister n law's father died a few months back and she received a large amount of money. They have since spent almost $40,000 on a new vehicle that they didn't need. They don't even have a house to themselves. There is so much more I could say, but I feel I have written too much. I can't look my brother in the eye. When I speak to him I can't stand the words coming from his mouth because he has lied so much that I can't trust him. I know he was on Xanax at my grandfather's funeral and I just can't look at him.

Is there a pattern, here?

We were once so close and I want that back, but I feel it will never be the same. Is there anyone in this forum who has been through the same thing. He is ripping my mother and father apart. There was no abuse, no sad stories of our childhood. My family is upper middle class and gave all of us the world. There is no excuse for what he has done and I want him well but I can't get him well. I don't know if anyone can or even if he wants too. Please help. I feel if I say this to his face, he will never let me see my niece and that would kill me. Please, give me some advice. I am so sorry this is long, but I need some support. Thank you so much.
Drug addiction is an equal opportunity thing. It occurs in all socio/economic brackets. That you mention this, suggests that the family may feel somehow responsible, that something they did or not caused this. This is co-dependency.

You and your family did not cause this. You are powerless to control it and you most certainly cannot cure it.

Your brother is going to do what he's going to do, no matter what you and your family do, or not do. Get out of his way and give him the gift of realizing the consequences for his choices.
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Old 04-09-2010, 11:07 AM
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I say "recovering" because I know he has taken drugs within the past 2 months.
Taking drugs may indicate he is NOT "recovering". Recovering is something we addicts do when we are clean and sober - not something we can do when we are actively using.

Recovery is a life-long process. It's not something that you do once and then it's over and done.

I've been clean for nearly 5 years now but I still think of myself as "recovering". To think of myself as recovered would be to invite disaster back into my life. I must always be vigilant that my disease is only in REMISSION as long as I don't use drugs.

Anyway. Welcome to this sight. I encourage you to learn all you can about recovery AND active addiction and what the difference is. Distancing yourself emotionally and physically from the addict is usually a great help in YOUR recovery from his addiction.
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