New Here/Son is Sober, but slipping
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
New Here/Son is Sober, but slipping
Hi,
I'm glad I found you all! I have been dealing with my son's addiction for a year now. He started smoking pot with his friends, then his father and sister. Last spring, he started with pills, and by the summer, began shooting xanax. We did the detox, he started again, then got arrested, got clean, then used again, ending up in the hospital. He wouldn't go back to detox, so, I had him arrested for theft. He got back on track, and then got back with his friends at the end of October, which resulted in arrest for car-hopping.
He was released from jail in December, but struggles every day. I can't get him up to do community service or anything, but he his tested weekly and is clean. If he doesn't get it together soon, he's going to land back in jail.
He recently started talking with one of the kids he got in trouble with. I am tempted to ask his PO to put him in a homeless shelter. I just can't take anymore.
I lost my job last year, one week after my son slit his wrists, everything of value in the house is gone, I have no friends, no one to talk to about this.
I am beginning to crack again. I'm tired, depressed, and so lonely.
God bless everyone of us, addicts and family members of addicts. It's such a hard road...
I'm glad I found you all! I have been dealing with my son's addiction for a year now. He started smoking pot with his friends, then his father and sister. Last spring, he started with pills, and by the summer, began shooting xanax. We did the detox, he started again, then got arrested, got clean, then used again, ending up in the hospital. He wouldn't go back to detox, so, I had him arrested for theft. He got back on track, and then got back with his friends at the end of October, which resulted in arrest for car-hopping.
He was released from jail in December, but struggles every day. I can't get him up to do community service or anything, but he his tested weekly and is clean. If he doesn't get it together soon, he's going to land back in jail.
He recently started talking with one of the kids he got in trouble with. I am tempted to ask his PO to put him in a homeless shelter. I just can't take anymore.
I lost my job last year, one week after my son slit his wrists, everything of value in the house is gone, I have no friends, no one to talk to about this.
I am beginning to crack again. I'm tired, depressed, and so lonely.
God bless everyone of us, addicts and family members of addicts. It's such a hard road...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My son is an addict too, coolrobin, and I know the pain and frustration of trying to save them when they won't allow themselves to be saved.
What helped me find my balance, what helped me regain my sanity...was to go to meetings and learn to work 12 little steps that literally saved my life. Nar-anon, Al-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that are about US and learning to live our lives well, as God intended.
Maybe check your area and try a few and see if they don't help you as much as they have helped many of us here. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I'm glad you joined us and hope you'll make yourself comfortable here. Read the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum when you can, lots of helpful stuff there.
Welcome to SR, where you are no longer alone.
Hugs
What helped me find my balance, what helped me regain my sanity...was to go to meetings and learn to work 12 little steps that literally saved my life. Nar-anon, Al-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that are about US and learning to live our lives well, as God intended.
Maybe check your area and try a few and see if they don't help you as much as they have helped many of us here. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I'm glad you joined us and hope you'll make yourself comfortable here. Read the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum when you can, lots of helpful stuff there.
Welcome to SR, where you are no longer alone.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
Thank you
Thank you. The PO finally mandated 12 step to my son last week. I just quit my second job, so hopefully I can find a support group for families around here.
This disease is so nasty and so hard to fight.
Sometimes, I get upset and lash out at him because where he says he feels remorse for what he has done to himself and to me, he sleeps all day, stays up all night, and talks to the kids he's done drugs with.
He wants to be clean, but won't break the ties to the past. It's hard because I know that of he chooses to start talking to these kids on a regular basis, he'll fail again.
This disease is so nasty and so hard to fight.
Sometimes, I get upset and lash out at him because where he says he feels remorse for what he has done to himself and to me, he sleeps all day, stays up all night, and talks to the kids he's done drugs with.
He wants to be clean, but won't break the ties to the past. It's hard because I know that of he chooses to start talking to these kids on a regular basis, he'll fail again.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome
sorry you are having to go through all of this but i am glad you found us. take a read around, keep posting and find that support group. there is nothing much more you can do other than set boundaries with consequences for yourself that you are able to stick by.
i'm glad that your son is finally sober and is mandated to start a 12step program. hopefully he'll soon realize that hanging around old using buddies is bad news for him.
i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs clean. his choices to use or not to use is totally up to him and so is whether or not he does what it takes to stay out of jail. try to focus on you and what you need to do for your own peace of mind. i'll keep you and your son in my prayers,
sorry you are having to go through all of this but i am glad you found us. take a read around, keep posting and find that support group. there is nothing much more you can do other than set boundaries with consequences for yourself that you are able to stick by.
i'm glad that your son is finally sober and is mandated to start a 12step program. hopefully he'll soon realize that hanging around old using buddies is bad news for him.
i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs clean. his choices to use or not to use is totally up to him and so is whether or not he does what it takes to stay out of jail. try to focus on you and what you need to do for your own peace of mind. i'll keep you and your son in my prayers,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Similar story on my end. I came here looking for information to fix my daughter. What I found instead humbled me when I accepted that I had absolutely no control over her or her outcome.
It was not until I stepped away from the never ending cycle of hospitalizations, detoxes, rehabs, legal dramas and most importantly my own expectations and illusions of control, that I could finanlly let go and she had to leave home.
When I did, she cleaned up on her own and relapsed again. And again she cleaned herself up and has remained so. Tomorrow can and will take care of itself. She is responsible for her own life and outcomes. I respect this.
It all starts with establishing boundaries for yourself. Taking drugs out of it, for the moment, is it aceptable to you to support and live with an adult child who chooses to not work? You have no control over the outcome. You son has the choice to get a job/ make a contribution or leave, given it's your place and money.
It was not until I stepped away from the never ending cycle of hospitalizations, detoxes, rehabs, legal dramas and most importantly my own expectations and illusions of control, that I could finanlly let go and she had to leave home.
When I did, she cleaned up on her own and relapsed again. And again she cleaned herself up and has remained so. Tomorrow can and will take care of itself. She is responsible for her own life and outcomes. I respect this.
It all starts with establishing boundaries for yourself. Taking drugs out of it, for the moment, is it aceptable to you to support and live with an adult child who chooses to not work? You have no control over the outcome. You son has the choice to get a job/ make a contribution or leave, given it's your place and money.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by coolrobin2 
Sometimes, I get upset and lash out at him because where he says he feels remorse for what he has done to himself and to me, he sleeps all day, stays up all night, and talks to the kids he's done drugs with.
He wants to be clean, but won't break the ties to the past. It's hard because I know that of he chooses to start talking to these kids on a regular basis, he'll fail again.
His actions/inactions contradict what he's saying/ wanting. That is likely a part of his own delusion and avoidance of maturing and taking responsibility for himself.
He needs the opportunity to seek his own clairity of thought and purpose, whatever that may be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
thank you everyone for your honesty and experience.
my daughter is seventeen, she is in a program, but flaunting the rules.
she will be eighteen in september.
we have been on this journey for five years now, and i am tired.
she is on track to go to community college, and there is money available to go.
she says she wants it, but her actions say otherwise. my heart is breaking.
she is my youngest. so smart, so beautiful, so ill.
my daughter is seventeen, she is in a program, but flaunting the rules.
she will be eighteen in september.
we have been on this journey for five years now, and i am tired.
she is on track to go to community college, and there is money available to go.
she says she wants it, but her actions say otherwise. my heart is breaking.
she is my youngest. so smart, so beautiful, so ill.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
CoolRobin2
Are you sure you are not talking about my son? With the exception of trying to hurt himself, I could swear we have the same story. You did not mention how old your son is.
My 23 year old son has been using since he was 18. Went from pot to shooting oxy's.
He burned through his college fund with attorneys, jail, probation, bail bondsman, drugs.
He wrecked 2 cars, drove through my garage wall twice, has been in jail 5 times (all drug related). He lost his license, can not hold down a job and was one step from living on the street until he got arrested. He is currently in jail and I told him I will no longer bail him out. I should have let him stay in jail the first time instead of listening to the attorney and bailing him out. I almost lost my job because of him. He has sold everything he owns, stolen from my neighbors (who not will not even speak to me), got 2 vehicles impounded, etc, etc, etc.
He has been to rehab and got thrown out for using. Got thrown out of 2 1/2 way houses for using. He is now in jail serving a court ordered drug program. I told him that I hope the judge throws the book at him and he has to stay there for the full three years of his sentence. At least he will be clean for 3 years.
Like your son, he continues to stay in touch with the same addict friends. I hate to say it but your son would be better off in jail where he will be clean, get fed and have a bed.
My son also violated his probation by not doing his community hours in a timely manner. It is the best thing that could have happened to him.
My son called me from jail and said that he wouldn't wish it on anyone. He had to detox from the opiates and cigarettes without any help and he is miserable.....but alive.
He said it is a wake up call. We will see. Good luck and may God give you the strength to help yourself and not enable your son. See if there are any co-dependency meetings in your area, they really help. Good luck.
Are you sure you are not talking about my son? With the exception of trying to hurt himself, I could swear we have the same story. You did not mention how old your son is.
My 23 year old son has been using since he was 18. Went from pot to shooting oxy's.
He burned through his college fund with attorneys, jail, probation, bail bondsman, drugs.
He wrecked 2 cars, drove through my garage wall twice, has been in jail 5 times (all drug related). He lost his license, can not hold down a job and was one step from living on the street until he got arrested. He is currently in jail and I told him I will no longer bail him out. I should have let him stay in jail the first time instead of listening to the attorney and bailing him out. I almost lost my job because of him. He has sold everything he owns, stolen from my neighbors (who not will not even speak to me), got 2 vehicles impounded, etc, etc, etc.
He has been to rehab and got thrown out for using. Got thrown out of 2 1/2 way houses for using. He is now in jail serving a court ordered drug program. I told him that I hope the judge throws the book at him and he has to stay there for the full three years of his sentence. At least he will be clean for 3 years.
Like your son, he continues to stay in touch with the same addict friends. I hate to say it but your son would be better off in jail where he will be clean, get fed and have a bed.
My son also violated his probation by not doing his community hours in a timely manner. It is the best thing that could have happened to him.
My son called me from jail and said that he wouldn't wish it on anyone. He had to detox from the opiates and cigarettes without any help and he is miserable.....but alive.
He said it is a wake up call. We will see. Good luck and may God give you the strength to help yourself and not enable your son. See if there are any co-dependency meetings in your area, they really help. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i know all too well how it is to be in the driver's seat of an addict's life.
"if only he would x, y and z, then he would see...."
he does well for a little while, we are hopeful, it is so close he could reach out and touch it, but then he backslides.
i am going to try and say this gently, because i know that you are in pain and AFRAID.
but you trying to set up his consequences, and also get inside his head, in the belief that it may help, is an illusion.
you will know when he is taking his recovery seriously enough to have REAL change happen. it will be written all over his face.
i don't think i would allow my adult child to live in my home if they weren't in school, and weren't working. also, you need some peace.
please keep coming here. there is a wealth of information.
"if only he would x, y and z, then he would see...."
he does well for a little while, we are hopeful, it is so close he could reach out and touch it, but then he backslides.
i am going to try and say this gently, because i know that you are in pain and AFRAID.
but you trying to set up his consequences, and also get inside his head, in the belief that it may help, is an illusion.
you will know when he is taking his recovery seriously enough to have REAL change happen. it will be written all over his face.
i don't think i would allow my adult child to live in my home if they weren't in school, and weren't working. also, you need some peace.
please keep coming here. there is a wealth of information.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
Thank again everyone! helpformyson, my boy is 19, almost 20.
Our stories are very similar, but I'm seeing the commonality throughout the posts in the forum. To be perfectly honest, I didn't want him to come back home, but the judge gave him house-arrest. His father, who had him selling pot, doesn't want him, so he was released to me.
Since he's been home, other than food, I really don't do anything for him. I was trying to get him up in the mornings, but stopped.
After the stunt this week with hix tax return (loaned the $$ to his addict father), he's going to have to find counseling funds on his own.
At this point, I think I am resolved to not run any type of interference and if he is going to fail, he's going to fail. I'm not seeing the improvement I feel I need to see. I don't think I'm wrong about that.
Our stories are very similar, but I'm seeing the commonality throughout the posts in the forum. To be perfectly honest, I didn't want him to come back home, but the judge gave him house-arrest. His father, who had him selling pot, doesn't want him, so he was released to me.
Since he's been home, other than food, I really don't do anything for him. I was trying to get him up in the mornings, but stopped.
After the stunt this week with hix tax return (loaned the $$ to his addict father), he's going to have to find counseling funds on his own.
At this point, I think I am resolved to not run any type of interference and if he is going to fail, he's going to fail. I'm not seeing the improvement I feel I need to see. I don't think I'm wrong about that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 88
coolrobin2,
I understand how you feel. My son is 25 he went to live in another state for long term recovery and was clean for a year. I could tell he was on his way to a relapse and there was nothing we could do. We had to sit by while he was arrested twice for stealing. We bailed him out and put him in another rehab then he used again so we had the judge put him back in jail. I am sure he would be dead if we did not do that. He could not stop himself. After three months in jail he went into a court ordered program and seems to be doing well. It is horrible to see what is going to happen but they just don't listen. He is a smart guy and now has 2 felonies. He really has made a tough life for himself but maybe that's what had to happen in order for him to see the light.
I understand how you feel. My son is 25 he went to live in another state for long term recovery and was clean for a year. I could tell he was on his way to a relapse and there was nothing we could do. We had to sit by while he was arrested twice for stealing. We bailed him out and put him in another rehab then he used again so we had the judge put him back in jail. I am sure he would be dead if we did not do that. He could not stop himself. After three months in jail he went into a court ordered program and seems to be doing well. It is horrible to see what is going to happen but they just don't listen. He is a smart guy and now has 2 felonies. He really has made a tough life for himself but maybe that's what had to happen in order for him to see the light.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by coolrobin2
Our stories are very similar, but I'm seeing the commonality throughout the posts in the forum. To be perfectly honest, I didn't want him to come back home, but the judge gave him house-arrest. His father, who had him selling pot, doesn't want him, so he was released to me.
He's an adult and you have a choice in this matter. You do not have to allow him to "house arrest" at your home.
Seeing our own part in all of this is humbling.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
CoolRobin2
I know the agonizing feeling of having a front row seat to their addiction. It kills us to watch them self-destruct and when they are not in our lives, we are dying inside because we do not know what is happening in their lives. It is a double-edged sword.
Are their any state funded homeless shelters that you can take him to? The Salvation Army is a great program. They have a rehab program, then they get them a job, while continuing to live there. Or perhaps a state funded rehab program? Sometimes the waiting list can be long, but it is free or very little.
Good luck.
I know the agonizing feeling of having a front row seat to their addiction. It kills us to watch them self-destruct and when they are not in our lives, we are dying inside because we do not know what is happening in their lives. It is a double-edged sword.
Are their any state funded homeless shelters that you can take him to? The Salvation Army is a great program. They have a rehab program, then they get them a job, while continuing to live there. Or perhaps a state funded rehab program? Sometimes the waiting list can be long, but it is free or very little.
Good luck.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Hi coolrobin. I just wanted to say I hear ya. I understand all that you're saying from my own personal experiences. I hope that you'll listen to what Ann had to say about finding the meetings like Alanon. It made a major difference in so many aspects of my life. What helped me the most was just being with others that knew what I was going through from their own personal experience. Those are the people that could really understand what I was dealing with and how I felt and why. You and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Boise, ID
Posts: 56
(((Coolrobin)))
My son is the primary addict in my life- currently not using drugs (but he does occasionally drink)- he used pretty much everything but his fav was meth. He hasn't used meth in about 3 years. He has been in jail and prison about 3 of the last 5 years- this time he has been out for 14 months and seems to be doing pretty well.
Take care of yourself- and let your son take care of what he needs to take care of.
Hugs and prayers from one Mom to another...
My son is the primary addict in my life- currently not using drugs (but he does occasionally drink)- he used pretty much everything but his fav was meth. He hasn't used meth in about 3 years. He has been in jail and prison about 3 of the last 5 years- this time he has been out for 14 months and seems to be doing pretty well.
Take care of yourself- and let your son take care of what he needs to take care of.
Hugs and prayers from one Mom to another...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
Update on my son
My son still isn't using, but, he won't help himself, either. His PO came over 2 weeks ago and really blasted him. Instead of scaring him to be motivated, he gave up and broke house arrest.
It looked like the PO gave him a second chance, and I was joyous over it, but yesterday, his idiot father came over and asked my son to go fishing with him and his girlfriend. My son went. I told his dad what a dumb idea is was since it looked like Bobby wouldn't go back to jail. House arrest means house arrest; not fishing with Dad.
So, naturally, 4pm came, the PO came to see Bobby and Bobby wasn't here. I tried calling his Dad's cell, but no answer. Bobby came over and before I could get out the door to stop his dad, they took off.
I told my son to leave the house and go live with his dad. I think he's with his girlfriend; he said he wouldn't go to his dad's. I told Bob he couldn't stay with me if he wasn't going to help himself.
It looked like the PO gave him a second chance, and I was joyous over it, but yesterday, his idiot father came over and asked my son to go fishing with him and his girlfriend. My son went. I told his dad what a dumb idea is was since it looked like Bobby wouldn't go back to jail. House arrest means house arrest; not fishing with Dad.
So, naturally, 4pm came, the PO came to see Bobby and Bobby wasn't here. I tried calling his Dad's cell, but no answer. Bobby came over and before I could get out the door to stop his dad, they took off.
I told my son to leave the house and go live with his dad. I think he's with his girlfriend; he said he wouldn't go to his dad's. I told Bob he couldn't stay with me if he wasn't going to help himself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I told my son to leave the house and go live with his dad. I think he's with his girlfriend; he said he wouldn't go to his dad's. I told Bob he couldn't stay with me if he wasn't going to help himself.
i hope you will hold your ground. he has to do this himself, and it looks like you are the only one doing it.
keep up the good work. keep that boundary.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
coolrobin: I too had my son under house arrest when he was 20 years old. This was ordered by the judge as part of his probation. Similar story to yours. The judge had me very involved even though my son was legally an adult. A very wise judge. I was basically made his probation officer.
I got to the point where I started writing down on the calendar when my son broke the rules of his probation (that the judge had given me a copy of). Because I was to be at every court date with my son, I took that calender into the probation officer. I even took in the actual bottle of stuff that he used to try to wash the drugs out of his system (something one of his druggie friends told him about). The probation officer asked me what I wanted to happen. I said I wanted to see the judge put him in jail, hopefully a boot-camp type of jail that we had at that time, but that no matter what, my son had to be out of my house because I could not live this way any more. It was VERY exhausting mentally and physically for me.
I'm sure you can imagine how it felt to see my son handcuffed and taken away because i had "ratted" on him. But he was so mentally foggy that he did not see it coming even when I told him in the lobby that I was going to be telling everybody everything.
My son is still using some 4 years later. But it really taught my son that i was not somebody to run to for help with his drama. And I have to believe that the jail experience is just one more consequence that is leading my son to that proverbial bottom.
Hang in there. Keep coming back here...I know this site has been a real lifesaver for me.
I got to the point where I started writing down on the calendar when my son broke the rules of his probation (that the judge had given me a copy of). Because I was to be at every court date with my son, I took that calender into the probation officer. I even took in the actual bottle of stuff that he used to try to wash the drugs out of his system (something one of his druggie friends told him about). The probation officer asked me what I wanted to happen. I said I wanted to see the judge put him in jail, hopefully a boot-camp type of jail that we had at that time, but that no matter what, my son had to be out of my house because I could not live this way any more. It was VERY exhausting mentally and physically for me.
I'm sure you can imagine how it felt to see my son handcuffed and taken away because i had "ratted" on him. But he was so mentally foggy that he did not see it coming even when I told him in the lobby that I was going to be telling everybody everything.
My son is still using some 4 years later. But it really taught my son that i was not somebody to run to for help with his drama. And I have to believe that the jail experience is just one more consequence that is leading my son to that proverbial bottom.
Hang in there. Keep coming back here...I know this site has been a real lifesaver for me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
What a wonderful proactive step on your part to have found and posted on SR. Keep coming and posting - you will benefit and gain momentum in managing your own life without so much focus on the addict. I wished I'd have had more interaction with SR prior to my late ABF overdose death. I would have been more prepared! You have done the right thing for yourself, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, etc by sending your son to another house for house arrest. In retrospect, when I look back on my living with late ABF, he was on probation and therefore I was basically restricted with him. A couple months later, he was arrested for a couple felony crimes, jailed, and a condition of release was the GPS tracking ankle bracelet. Complete with latitude / longitude boundaries and curfew. So, essentially, MY life was same, just without the bracelet. You have freedom that you deserve now by not having to consider the house arrest condition in YOUR life. I really agree with the others that a meeting will help you in a tremendous way. Are there any in your area and are you able to get to them?
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