Horizon2004

My AH relapsed this weekend after several weeks sober - his longest time yet. He had been doing so well. He goes to counseling every day (M-F) and NA meetings at least 5 times a week. He had a job interview on Friday and this past week he has seemed to have a much better attitude, he's been doing more around the house, and we've been getting along better than we have in such a long time. Apparently he was stressed about his interview and got some pills, which he continued to take the next day. I asked him to leave.

I'm having some trouble with boundaries and where to draw the line here. It seems everything I read says to expect relapse, that it's part of the process, etc. So on the one hand, I asked him to leave because of the drug use, but on the other hand it seems like a minor slip and that the important thing is that he continues with his recovery program.

I'm not sure if/when I should let him back again. I think he will be sober again by tomorrow and I know he intends to continue with his program, which I want to support. I guess I am just worried about how long until the next relapse will happen and creating this cycle of kicking him out and then letting him move back. I know I sound quite pessimistic about his recovery, but he doesn't have the best track record and I'm tired of the ups and downs.

Thanks for listening (reading). Any thoughts welcome :o)

teke

hi,
there is no real answer to when or whether or not relapse will happen. its all up to the addict. it took me 21yrs(ah of 23yrs) of this back and forth, sober then relapse before i had had enough. relapse can happen at any time, for any reason, without warning and last for any length of time but i don't think it is set in stone that it has to be part of the process. what i do know is that if the addict is not totally committed to doing whatever it takes to stay sober, the addiction will progressively get worse. its up to you how long you are willing to wait around for it to happen or not happen.

i'm a recovering addict with 8yrs sober but there was a time i had 9yrs and relapsed, then once 5yrs then relapsed. today i know i'm just one fix away from being strung out again. it totally depends on how bad i want to stay clean,

its good to know that your ah seems to be following through with his program but imo, its
always better to watch his actions and not pay too much attention to what he says about his intentions. it is known that some addicts continue to go to meetings even though they are still using. i guess it could be a good thing that they go, though, hopefully they eventually hear something that will stick. not to say this is the case with your ah, i pray that he does well, that this really was a slip and that he stays on track this time.

keep in mind, that an addict will do and say whatever they need to, to protect their addiction.

watch his actions but keep the focus on you. have you gone to any meetings yet? you both are in my prayers.

Freedom1990

Stress about an interview isn't an excuse to relapse.

I was the single parent of an 8 year old daughter when I got out of a 30 day rehab. I hit the streets (on foot, my parents had confiscated the car and rightfully so) and landed a full-time job within a week.

I walked to work for a month before they trusted me enough to bring the car back.

I wanted recovery more than I wanted to get drunk/loaded.

I did relapse after 4 years and it was miserable. No one was there to say it was okay, just a glitch. I got to live that hell again, and was blessed to make it back into recovery.

I drug myself back up that long flight of steps to my 12 step home group and started over.

Thank God there was nothing standing in the way of my consequences for that relapse. It was a painful lesson, but one well learned.

outtolunch

It sounds like you or he or both of you may be rationalizing the relapse.

A boundary does not attempt to control someone else or the outcome.

Only you can deicde for yourself if you are willing to continue to live with him or put some distance between the two of you so than you both can focus on your own recoveries.

Regardless if you continue or put some distance between the two of you, he owns his own recovery.

Horizon2004

I am not trying to rationalize his relapse. He identified the anxiety about his interview as the trigger for his relapse. I understand that taking drugs is not a healthy or acceptable way to deal with this anxiety. I thought he understood this too. Either he does not get that yet, or he understands it and chose to do drugs anyway.

teke

before i entered recovery and learned about the tools of recovery, i honestly thought i had no choice but to do drugs but after i was introduced to the recovery program, i found out that i did have a choice and if i used, it was because i chose to use.

most addicts, when choosing to use will use any excuse to justify their decision especially if it will help them to avoid any consequences for their actions. if he really is going to meetings, then he has the tools, its up to him to use them whenever he needs them and if he's just "not getting it", i pray that he does soon.

coffeedrinker

some people advise to stay sober for an extended period of time before resuming the primary relationship, e.g. marriage.

you can certainly ask that he stay out of the house, continue to work his program of recovery, and then reevaluate. and you can support from a distance. it helps to keep the crazies away.

NoelleR

"...I am not trying to rationalize his relapse. He identified the anxiety about his interview as the trigger for his relapse..."

I'm not going to be very popular with some folks, but I just see the term 'trigger' as a new way of saying excuse (kinda like it's the 'reason' it 'made' me do it.....HAH).

....and for me an excuse, by any name, is just that, an excuse; nobody and/or nothing makes a person use; it's his/her decision.

I got clean/sober once, and am still that way today (20+ years later), as are many of my friends. Relapse is NOT any part of recovery; it's a part of the problem, not the solution.


NoelleR

P.S. I don't know what you've been reading that's telling you to 'expect' a relapse.........? To me that's like willing something to happen. I way prefer to expect sobriety/recovery.

Impurrfect

((Horizon)) - I'm an RA, too, as well as a codie who's found THAT side of addiction a bit more challenging.

I hear some hesitation in your post as to whether or not to trust his recovery, and if he doesn't have a good "track record", I totally understand that. Relapse is NOT a part of recovery, but it is a risk. I did it, but I got fed up with the consequences and chose recovery. I just had my 3rd "birthday".

If I were in your shoes, I would focus on me and let him get some solid recovery time..apart, but again, that's just me. I think it would help you both focus on yourselves.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Horizon2004

I should probably rephrase that to say that you should expect that relapse COULD happen, not necessarily that it will. But, from what I understand, most addicts relapse in early recovery. Again most, not all. I think the point in telling family/friends of addicts to expect that relapse is possible is to keep them from having too high of expectations that everything will be smooth sailing once an addict enters a treatment or recovery program.

wicked

Horizon,
I am not sure where I heard this so take it with a grain of salt,
expectations of anyone else will lead to resentments.
let go of your expectations, it will be the only way for YOU to get through this.
i do know from experience that resentments are damn hard to get rid of.

bluebelle

The fact that he relapsed makes it sounds like he is not ready for recovery yet. Several weeks is not long to be sober. Maybe this is it for him, maybe not. It's good that he is going to meetings and counseling. However, he's not going to actually stop the drugs until he wants to stop them. I think it is best to protect yourself and take care of yourself. What would you be doing if he was sober? Don't live your life waiting for him to get sober, and say that you are going to take care of yourself at that time. How long has he been using? My RABF used for 7 years before his first recovery. He went back into using for about 6 months before being clean for about 16 months now. I honestly don't know what I would do if I found out tomorrow he was using again. I don't know whether I'd throw him out, or if I'd give him "one more chance." That's a decision that I have to make myself. However, I am trying to work on living my life like he is sober. I'm trying to take care of myself and not use his drug problem as a reason to not get on with life. He's going to use if he wants to. He's not going to stay sober, if drugs are more appealing to him than a sober life. There's nothing I can do about it.

Soleus

I was faced with a similar situation recently and had the same concerns. My ex recovering boyfriend was in rehab for FOUR months and was out two months clean and sober. He relapsed Valentines Day weekend and said the same thing- it's normal for RA to relapse early in their recovery. I've heard that too and come across that in some of the research I've done as well. I always had a problem with it- if you really want to and our serious about it you won't relapse. My ex did the same thing- he said he was stressed over something going on in our relationship and took pills to calm him down. He later admitted that it had nothing to do with that, he just relapsed. I decided to get out of it because I really don't think he's ready and even though he is ready it's a long path, one that I don't think I want to be on. That's when I stopped looking at my ex and thinking about how it would hurt him and he needs me and started looking at what I wanted and where I was going in life. I concluded that I don't need to take on someones battles like that. Everyone has problems, every relationship has issues but were those the kinds of issues I could put up with? It was hard to decide because he played the guilt card, similar to what you're thinking, about me not supporting him and not being there in his greatest time of need etc etc. Don't let that happen to you and don't do it to yourself, someone already mentioned that you can support someone from afar. I understand you and I have different commitments, it's easier for me to walk away as we weren't married than for you. But stay strong in your decision in whatever it may be. Maybe take this time to see what it's like without him and see how you do. I found while my ex was away in rehab for 4 months I did much better than when he was out. I took care of myself better, felt better, met people, had fun, no conflict in my family life while he was away. It may be similar for you, give it a try.

I hope everything works out for you. This is a helpful forum and keep coming back : )

Soleus

I'm not sure if your husband said this but my ex did, he said "i'm sorry I relapsed, I was stressed and I learned that no matter what I can never ever take pills for anything at all. I learned that now, a valuable lesson that I had to fall and figure out so I won't do it again in the future. Pills do not solve problems, they're not the answers." I totally don't buy that, he found that out 5 months ago when he first started rehab. Once you learn that once it's not something that goes away or changes. I never debated it with him, I just took that as a sign that he's still trying to justify things in his head and cover up his intentions. It's very painful, I love him and I'm having a hard time with it but I'm trying to focus on my future and what goals I have for myself. I don't see him able to achieve those same goals with me any time soon.

wicked

oh anvilhead, you are good, very good.

CAPTAINZING2000

Is he in a 12 step program or is he doing this on his own??

When, I used drugs and drank, I was thinking about them when, I wasn't doing them. We've got a screwed up thought process. A normal person is thinking about everything other then a drink or a drug. I'd plan the day around the next high or drunk.

cinderellawkids

I just wanted to share that my estranged Ah would be doing good, get a job interview and ALWAYS use within 48 hours of the interview!!! ALWAYS. The rare times he still made it to the interview, somewhere between 30 and 60 days in he'd get commended for his job or a raise and BOOM he'd come home Friday night all proud high and mighty and well never was able to return to the job. It happened the same way in a rehab facility where you left to work...always the same.

I always called it self sabatage. Because I knew and he knew he made the conscious choice to use, feeling like he deserved just a little and once again throw his dreams away.

Your conscious choice, do you wat to keep taking the chance that the next time, may be different, can you handle it if it is not?

Horizon2004

Thanks all for your response. I haven't had much time to get back on this site, but I did find some time to read the responses before AH came back last week.

He called and said he wanted to talk and stopped by our apartment. He said he was planning to beg for me to forgive him and give him one more chance, but when he got here he realized that there was nothing he could say to change to change my mind.

So he has moved out. It has been really hard, but I have shifted my focus from "oh my god my marriage is over" to thinking of this time apart as an opportunity to take care of myself and live my life the way I want to. I feel a little bit as though I am trying to make up for lost time, and hopefully I'm not pulling myself in too many different directions with all the things I am now trying to get out there and do.

I'm not sure what's going to happen with the marriage. For now I'm trying not to think about that and will make a decision when I'm ready.

So that's my update. Thanks again for the responses.

coffeedrinker

Horizon,

It sounds as though you have exactly the right perspective and attitude. Atta girl!