Family Coping with a child abuser

Old 03-24-2010, 04:58 PM
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Family Coping with a child abuser

Hi everyone,

I am new to this and need some advice with how to cope with my child's drug abuse. I want to be able to help her wiht the help of everyone in my family. What are some of the ways in which you and your family members work with the abuser to cope with situation????
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Old 03-24-2010, 06:04 PM
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Welcome, asartini. You will find many of us here who have children in active addiction. You are not alone.

How old is your child, and how long has she been abusing drugs?

My daughter is now 32 and has been abusing drugs/alcohol since she was 15 years old.

I can tell you that it is possible to have a happy and full life in spite of having a child in active addiction.

What has helped me the most is having my own program of recovery through Alanon, and learning from those who have walked the path before me.

I hope you continue to post, and know you are among friends who care, okay? :ghug3
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wicked (03-25-2010)
Old 03-25-2010, 02:54 AM
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Although we cannot save them, only they can decide to find recovery and usually the pain of using has to become greater than the fear of stopping, before they can do that, we can find help for ourselves.

If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here. But just as there is hope for them, there is hope for us too.

Some of the things that help most are things that we "don't" do...

I don't give my son money under any circumstance, because no matter how good and well told the story, the money usually ends up going to pay for drugs.

I don't solve his problems anymore. He cannot learn responsibility if he never gets to practice.

I don't bail him out of jail, or pay lawyers to make sure he doesn't have to go. He needs to learn that there are consequences to his actions and he won't learn if I keep robbing him of the lesson.

I don't let him live in my home, because it never ends well and he steals from me. Money, valuables, medications...all easy prey when he lives in my home.

I don't play codie detective, checking up on him or trying to find "proof" that he is using. Time always answered that question anyway, time and his actions.

The "do" things are for me...

I did find a recovery program for me. CoDA is my homefellowship, but Al-Anon and Nar-anon are similar fellowships that are about us, about healing and about learning to live our lives well...regardless of how our addicts are doing. Meetings saved my life.

I learned to set boundaries that were about "me" and that protected me. I no longer tolerate disrespect, being stolen from, and being treated badly. Today I respect myself and expect others to follow or drop out of line.

I learned to pray. My son has been missing for over 5 years, lost in his addictions somewhere unknown, and each morning I say a prayer for him and give his care to God, then live my life well, as life was meant to be lived. Today I embrace life and all it's beauty and turn my worries over to God. I finally learned what "Let go and let God" really meant.

I learned to surround myself with support. I have been at SoberRecovery 8 years this month, and being able to come here and share, any time of day or night, and walking with some of the most wonderful people I have ever known, has truly changed my life and kept me on a good path.

Others will be along to share, but today I am grateful for all I have learned while walking this path of recovery.

Keeping your daughter in my prayers.

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wicked (03-25-2010)
Old 03-25-2010, 03:31 AM
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I thought you meant child abuser as in pervert.

How old is your "child"?
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Old 03-25-2010, 06:14 AM
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hello asartini,

i thought the same thing when you said child abuser, as in child molester.
usually the term for substance abuser could be just that,
or addict
or alcoholic.
and yes, dgillz questions were my next question too.
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