my daughter is in the er
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
i am so glad she came thru this pretty much ok. also sending a prayer up for you that this is the time she finally realizes this cant continue on like it has been without HUGE repercussions. let this be the time she makes a change for the better.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Hi coffeedrinker. I'm not sure if we've met before, but I wanted you to know that I'm so sorry for your terrifying experience with your precious daughter. I've lived them too, with my son. I'm so very happy that she's okay now. I hope that she has learned alot from this awful experience and that she will remember it clearly everytime she is tempted to drink. Hang in there. (((((((((Caring Hugs))))))))
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
Coffeedrinker, you have posted on many of my posts and as you have told me stay strong!!! Take a deep breath and pray for her as the rest of us are!!!
As I say every morning about my 19 yr old AS: God hold her in your hands and pull her through this!!!!!
I am so sorry your having to go through this and I am praying for you, your daughter and family!!! Keep us posted!!
Michelle
xoxo
As I say every morning about my 19 yr old AS: God hold her in your hands and pull her through this!!!!!
I am so sorry your having to go through this and I am praying for you, your daughter and family!!! Keep us posted!!
Michelle
xoxo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I had a sick feeling yesterday.
I texted Alex to ask if she planned on coming over this weekend. She said she had plans with her BF. I said "just wondering about what you've been thinkin, hoping you wanted to talk." She said she didn't think she'd hear anything other than what I've been saying for the past two years. I said I planned on mostly just listening, wondering if she has had a change of perspective. She said of course she has, but if I'm gonna tell her she has to leave all her friends, place of residence, and boyfriend, she's not going to do that.
I sent a FB message to three or four close family members last weekend, saying that I thought it was the thing to do (didn't want to talk to everyone on the phone over and over again) because my wish is that we live in an enlightened age where we don't keep things like homosexuality and addiction in the closet. When Alex finally said in our back-and-forth texts, that she was angry with me for telling everyone, I looked at that message and saw HER NAME IN THE "send to" bar! WHAT?! I would never have sent it to HER!! It also sent to another FB friend that I did not intend to! I can't understand how this would happen and I'm mortified and pissed! Now the relationship that I thought we had - where I don't agree with her choice to drink, but I am there for her, to listen and help if she needs it, to be the loving mother she can come to for comfort - has been severely damaged.
I am so sad because I fear she will not make the right choice, and because I feel she's going to cut herself off from me. I try hard to not interfere, not lecture her, but just let her know from time to time (when a negative consequence occurs) what I think.
I texted Alex to ask if she planned on coming over this weekend. She said she had plans with her BF. I said "just wondering about what you've been thinkin, hoping you wanted to talk." She said she didn't think she'd hear anything other than what I've been saying for the past two years. I said I planned on mostly just listening, wondering if she has had a change of perspective. She said of course she has, but if I'm gonna tell her she has to leave all her friends, place of residence, and boyfriend, she's not going to do that.
I sent a FB message to three or four close family members last weekend, saying that I thought it was the thing to do (didn't want to talk to everyone on the phone over and over again) because my wish is that we live in an enlightened age where we don't keep things like homosexuality and addiction in the closet. When Alex finally said in our back-and-forth texts, that she was angry with me for telling everyone, I looked at that message and saw HER NAME IN THE "send to" bar! WHAT?! I would never have sent it to HER!! It also sent to another FB friend that I did not intend to! I can't understand how this would happen and I'm mortified and pissed! Now the relationship that I thought we had - where I don't agree with her choice to drink, but I am there for her, to listen and help if she needs it, to be the loving mother she can come to for comfort - has been severely damaged.
I am so sad because I fear she will not make the right choice, and because I feel she's going to cut herself off from me. I try hard to not interfere, not lecture her, but just let her know from time to time (when a negative consequence occurs) what I think.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Coffee- I try hard to not interfere, not lecture her, but just let her know from time to time (when a negative consequence occurs) what I think.
We all try to tell our loved ones who are A's what we think....in a way we may hope that it will resonate in their brains hopefully strike a chord to make them turn around.
But we all know deep down that they will do what they want to do. I have sent a few e mails to my XAH....hoping that deep down i will make him realize what he is doing. But I think when I do that, I am still trying to coerce and manipulate the situation to get the outcome that I AM wanting....and that's how the crazy making starts. I become more obsessed with what HE is doing, than what I am doing. It's hard as hell to detach with love when you have panic and worry in your belly.
She will make the choices she wishes to make, and will come around only when she is good and ready.
As for the Facebook incident....maybe your HP is trying to tell you something.
One day at a time coffee....we're here with you.
(((((( hugs )))))))
We all try to tell our loved ones who are A's what we think....in a way we may hope that it will resonate in their brains hopefully strike a chord to make them turn around.
But we all know deep down that they will do what they want to do. I have sent a few e mails to my XAH....hoping that deep down i will make him realize what he is doing. But I think when I do that, I am still trying to coerce and manipulate the situation to get the outcome that I AM wanting....and that's how the crazy making starts. I become more obsessed with what HE is doing, than what I am doing. It's hard as hell to detach with love when you have panic and worry in your belly.
She will make the choices she wishes to make, and will come around only when she is good and ready.
As for the Facebook incident....maybe your HP is trying to tell you something.
One day at a time coffee....we're here with you.
(((((( hugs )))))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
My mother is the only family member that my RAD has informed of her addiction, but my daughter had to own it first. I told two family members and my daughter knows that, is OK with it. I told them for ME, because I needed support. Neither one will attempt to interfere with either of us.
But I did let my daughter know that if she goes off wandering again, I will inform the rest of the family for one reason: I'd rather they be prepared for a possible OD or prison sentence than to be blindsided. I will tell them for them, not me or her.
But I did let my daughter know that if she goes off wandering again, I will inform the rest of the family for one reason: I'd rather they be prepared for a possible OD or prison sentence than to be blindsided. I will tell them for them, not me or her.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
coffeedrinker,
oh my. how sad it is, isn't it. my daughter is seventeen and making it thru her drug court thing. but she is using alcohol. dammit. almost thru with drug court too.
i told her next time i will not hesitate to call her PO and she has become compliant. but, i wait for the other shoe to drop.
try to talk to her, but now i see that she is just biding her time. i must let go, but damn, its hard. my hope is when she gets out there, going to school, paying with scholarships and grants, that she will find out how useless the boyfriend is and how abusing substances will slow her down. damn again.
my only daughter, my youngest. oh man, am i codependent! really.
off to a meeting for me too. need help with the helplessness.
beth
i hope alex realizes from the tone of your facebook message that it wasnt intended for all and sundry.
oh my. how sad it is, isn't it. my daughter is seventeen and making it thru her drug court thing. but she is using alcohol. dammit. almost thru with drug court too.
i told her next time i will not hesitate to call her PO and she has become compliant. but, i wait for the other shoe to drop.
try to talk to her, but now i see that she is just biding her time. i must let go, but damn, its hard. my hope is when she gets out there, going to school, paying with scholarships and grants, that she will find out how useless the boyfriend is and how abusing substances will slow her down. damn again.
my only daughter, my youngest. oh man, am i codependent! really.
off to a meeting for me too. need help with the helplessness.
beth
i hope alex realizes from the tone of your facebook message that it wasnt intended for all and sundry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I don't even feel like I have to tackle codependent crap with my daughter! I have thought (and do think) that I have just the right balance of the no-lecturing, no holier-than-thou attitude, I don't bring this up, I don't check up on her, make comments about her friends or drinking in general -- but I also don't act like there is absolutely nothing wrong, or (like "well meaning" parents of her friends) she just made "a mistake".
So it sounds like I shouldn't have even written the email message to my dad, brother and sister? Is that what you're saying?
And I did tell her I was sorry for embarrassing her. How sorry I am she probably has no clue.
So it sounds like I shouldn't have even written the email message to my dad, brother and sister? Is that what you're saying?
And I did tell her I was sorry for embarrassing her. How sorry I am she probably has no clue.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Sometimes I have to dig really deep to find the real motive for something I've done. I'll never be perfect in my recovery from codependency, and I still have things to work on when it comes to my youngest daughter and me.
That being said, don't think the damage is irreparable with your daughter.
After my last codependent relapse where I said some very unkind and angry things to my 21 year old, I just had to wait it out.
She was angry, and understandably so.
I allowed her time to be as mad as she wanted, and she would communicate with me again when she was ready.
Since then I have made my amends, and we are now communicating again. She took me out for lunch yesterday.
I do understand what you are saying about bringing things out in the open. My life is an open book. I'm only as sick as the secrets I keep. My parents don't agree with that at all.
There is still shame attached (in their minds) to alcoholism/addiction.
Go easy on yourself, turn it over to God, and see where things go from here on out! :ghug3
That being said, don't think the damage is irreparable with your daughter.
After my last codependent relapse where I said some very unkind and angry things to my 21 year old, I just had to wait it out.
She was angry, and understandably so.
I allowed her time to be as mad as she wanted, and she would communicate with me again when she was ready.
Since then I have made my amends, and we are now communicating again. She took me out for lunch yesterday.
I do understand what you are saying about bringing things out in the open. My life is an open book. I'm only as sick as the secrets I keep. My parents don't agree with that at all.
There is still shame attached (in their minds) to alcoholism/addiction.
Go easy on yourself, turn it over to God, and see where things go from here on out! :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Coffee,
So sorry to hear of your troubles, (I haven't been here for a few days, ) I wish I had saw this so to as responded sooner.
I'm glad she is o.k....
I'm glad you are o.k.
You talked about your 'relationship' with God. That interested me..... I am always thankful for the prayers I recieve here, because I don't have such a good relationship either.............
And sometimes I wonder what the prayers are for... I think God's will is God's will, Does the praying actually sway anything? (*just my random thoughts*)
I hope that prayers are what brought her out, (better), and I pray, that "Praying" does work.... What do we have without something bigger than us?
Blessings to you and her,
Again-- I'm glad all is well.
Love,
Cess
So sorry to hear of your troubles, (I haven't been here for a few days, ) I wish I had saw this so to as responded sooner.
I'm glad she is o.k....
I'm glad you are o.k.
You talked about your 'relationship' with God. That interested me..... I am always thankful for the prayers I recieve here, because I don't have such a good relationship either.............
And sometimes I wonder what the prayers are for... I think God's will is God's will, Does the praying actually sway anything? (*just my random thoughts*)
I hope that prayers are what brought her out, (better), and I pray, that "Praying" does work.... What do we have without something bigger than us?
Blessings to you and her,
Again-- I'm glad all is well.
Love,
Cess
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
I don't even feel like I have to tackle codependent crap with my daughter! I have thought (and do think) that I have just the right balance of the no-lecturing, no holier-than-thou attitude, I don't bring this up, I don't check up on her, make comments about her friends or drinking in general -- but I also don't act like there is absolutely nothing wrong, or (like "well meaning" parents of her friends) she just made "a mistake".
So it sounds like I shouldn't have even written the email message to my dad, brother and sister? Is that what you're saying?
And I did tell her I was sorry for embarrassing her. How sorry I am she probably has no clue.
So it sounds like I shouldn't have even written the email message to my dad, brother and sister? Is that what you're saying?
And I did tell her I was sorry for embarrassing her. How sorry I am she probably has no clue.
(if you are asking me about the message)
you should talk to anyone you want to. can't keep secrets. secrets can kill.
i am codie with my daughter cause that is what i know, and it is hard to let go. she is not even eighteen yet, and I know how it is.
and no she probably has no clue how sorry you are, but i think i understand, and i am sorry if it didnt sound like it.
i have deep guilt about my daughter and my boys because i am an alcoholic and in a misguided attempt to be close, i let them get away with too much.
obviously.
my daughter was hospitalized trying to withdraw from 15 - 20 xanax a day.
she nearly died. i am sorry i let my "stuff" bleed all over you. yuck.
i think you handled this whole thing quite well, and i wish i had your ability to be straight with my daughter.
beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
" i am sorry i let my "stuff" bleed all over you."
Don't be, Wicked. Your stuff didn't bleed on me - We are here for each other!
"I think God's will is God's will, Does the praying actually sway anything?"
Cessy, I have had this thought/conversation many times. I tend to think of prayer as more of a dialogue with God, a way for us to tap into the higher power that God is, and to keep us in the role of "un-God", to stay humble. But I so appreciate that people out there were praying for us. That in itself is powerful.
"Sometimes I have to dig really deep to find the real motive for something I've done. I'll never be perfect in my recovery from codependency, and I still have things to work on when it comes to my youngest daughter and me."
Oh, Freedom, I think you may have hit a nail right on the head here. Motive? Maybe what I did was more than just reaching out to people. Maybe there is some ego stuff involved. Man oh man....
I still believe in my heart and soul, that she will see things for what they truly are - one day. That day never comes soon enough for me though. I am, as I have been with every addict in my life, not very willing to wait it out and allow them to "see" on their own (and life's) timetable. The fear is for all the wasted time, the time that's passing right now, that she could be living more fully, that she can be whole and healthy. And of course, the possibility that she will step off that cliff and become a statistic.
Don't be, Wicked. Your stuff didn't bleed on me - We are here for each other!
"I think God's will is God's will, Does the praying actually sway anything?"
Cessy, I have had this thought/conversation many times. I tend to think of prayer as more of a dialogue with God, a way for us to tap into the higher power that God is, and to keep us in the role of "un-God", to stay humble. But I so appreciate that people out there were praying for us. That in itself is powerful.
"Sometimes I have to dig really deep to find the real motive for something I've done. I'll never be perfect in my recovery from codependency, and I still have things to work on when it comes to my youngest daughter and me."
Oh, Freedom, I think you may have hit a nail right on the head here. Motive? Maybe what I did was more than just reaching out to people. Maybe there is some ego stuff involved. Man oh man....
I still believe in my heart and soul, that she will see things for what they truly are - one day. That day never comes soon enough for me though. I am, as I have been with every addict in my life, not very willing to wait it out and allow them to "see" on their own (and life's) timetable. The fear is for all the wasted time, the time that's passing right now, that she could be living more fully, that she can be whole and healthy. And of course, the possibility that she will step off that cliff and become a statistic.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
" i am sorry i let my "stuff" bleed all over you."
Don't be, Wicked. Your stuff didn't bleed on me - We are here for each other!
Don't be, Wicked. Your stuff didn't bleed on me - We are here for each other!
The fear is for all the wasted time, the time that's passing right now, that she could be living more fully, that she can be whole and healthy. And of course, the possibility that she will step off that cliff and become a statistic.
Beth
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Coffee)) - I see nothing wrong with the FB message. We reach out to people when we're hurting.
When I relapsed, dad told EVERYONE and it didn't really bother me. I'm an open book and it just made me more accountable to a whole lot of people.
However, when my stepmom was arrested for a drug-related charge, he was humiliated that my niece was telling HER friends...SHE needed support and I had to point this out to him.
I'm sure Alex is angry, but she'll get over it. I was angry when I was faced with the truth, and not quite ready to hear it, too. Later, I can say I'm grateful that my family loved me enough to care.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
When I relapsed, dad told EVERYONE and it didn't really bother me. I'm an open book and it just made me more accountable to a whole lot of people.
However, when my stepmom was arrested for a drug-related charge, he was humiliated that my niece was telling HER friends...SHE needed support and I had to point this out to him.
I'm sure Alex is angry, but she'll get over it. I was angry when I was faced with the truth, and not quite ready to hear it, too. Later, I can say I'm grateful that my family loved me enough to care.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
coffeedrinker, I danced around the whole motive thing in my earlier post and sat on my hands until now, checking MY motive. I finally figured out what I want to say and how:
I don't know exactly how you worded it, but that sounded like 'outing' someone to me. It brought back some painful memories.
My mom outed everyone over everything within arms distance, in an attempt to shame and control. Her mother did the same thing. My family was full frontal about it, that's how we all knew it was about shame and control. It always backfired on them and us cousins and siblings just dug our heels in a little deeper.
I'm not saying this is what I think is going on with you. I am saying that your daughter may see it that way, because she saw something not meant for her eyes and thought it was.
You're both in my thoughts and prayers, that the Creator guides you towards healing.
because my wish is that we live in an enlightened age where we don't keep things like homosexuality and addiction in the closet.
My mom outed everyone over everything within arms distance, in an attempt to shame and control. Her mother did the same thing. My family was full frontal about it, that's how we all knew it was about shame and control. It always backfired on them and us cousins and siblings just dug our heels in a little deeper.
I'm not saying this is what I think is going on with you. I am saying that your daughter may see it that way, because she saw something not meant for her eyes and thought it was.
You're both in my thoughts and prayers, that the Creator guides you towards healing.
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