"Functional" Addict? Wtf.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: British Columbia
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"Functional" Addict? Wtf.
Hmm..well first of all I am really glad to have stumbled upon this site...as a buddhist I believe that nothing is by chance so I am hoping to gain some support and insight into things- maybe just so I dont feel as if I am losing my mind.
I met my fiance through work..I had written off finding happiness in a relationship, I was a single mom- with two kids now 8 and 10, worked hard to support them - i had my daughter at 18.. their father was abusive so we havent seen him in years.. Myself I never got into drugs, I just have a really great gift for finding them, my mother is also a drug addict- so you could say after all my experiences I felt a bit of a grudge towards addicts...I was on my own since 14 because of them and dedicate my life to my kids...
AnYwAy...
So I meet the man of my dreams at work..2 years ago..he is a hard worker, we are friends for months first..we grew up the same way..I drink socially as did he... find out he does coke (lines) when hes drinking..I am stupid..
Here I am two years later. We have a son together..hes a newborn. Now throughout my pregnancy- I stopped smoking, drinking, anything harmful of course and was home all the time because of maternity leave...and boy were my eyes opened. He does cocaine everyday..at work, home, calls it functional because he pays bills, is a boss at work..etc. If he doesnt do it he sleeps. I feel like he snuck all this ******** on me.. for instance I found out he used to have a crack problem...I used to rant to him about how my mothers crack addiction affected me and my sisters lives etc... I dont get it..he doesnt use crack cocaine anymore.. but he has in the past year..and tells me after two months have gone by.
Im ramblling Im sorry. But his health is going down hill..he has chronic lower back pain, sleeps all the time,unless hes using.. his friends are all addicts...Ive had to ban them all from our house- which makes me feel like a warden. He also has been usiong cocaine since he was 14..its a lifestyle for him.and he drinks everyday...
The thing is Im confused because he does come home every night, pays bills, doesnt go on binges...hes afraid to go to the doctor or quit because of what it might do to him...UGH. I feel stupid. I feel trapped. And I do love him, but he really pulled the wool over my eyes.
His bestfriends of 20 years are all addicts and seem to act like its not a big deal..he has the idea hes "better" than them...which is true in the fact that we have a beautiful house, boat, material ****...but he uses with them all day at work, drinks beer everyday.
But he doesnt beat me, abandon us, speak badly to me...if anything hes just kinda here...he hasnt been feeling good lately. I dont know what to do or where to start. He feels hes the breadwinner..i go back to work in may..so he wont go to rehab.
Insight would be MUCH appriciated. Please
I met my fiance through work..I had written off finding happiness in a relationship, I was a single mom- with two kids now 8 and 10, worked hard to support them - i had my daughter at 18.. their father was abusive so we havent seen him in years.. Myself I never got into drugs, I just have a really great gift for finding them, my mother is also a drug addict- so you could say after all my experiences I felt a bit of a grudge towards addicts...I was on my own since 14 because of them and dedicate my life to my kids...
AnYwAy...
So I meet the man of my dreams at work..2 years ago..he is a hard worker, we are friends for months first..we grew up the same way..I drink socially as did he... find out he does coke (lines) when hes drinking..I am stupid..
Here I am two years later. We have a son together..hes a newborn. Now throughout my pregnancy- I stopped smoking, drinking, anything harmful of course and was home all the time because of maternity leave...and boy were my eyes opened. He does cocaine everyday..at work, home, calls it functional because he pays bills, is a boss at work..etc. If he doesnt do it he sleeps. I feel like he snuck all this ******** on me.. for instance I found out he used to have a crack problem...I used to rant to him about how my mothers crack addiction affected me and my sisters lives etc... I dont get it..he doesnt use crack cocaine anymore.. but he has in the past year..and tells me after two months have gone by.
Im ramblling Im sorry. But his health is going down hill..he has chronic lower back pain, sleeps all the time,unless hes using.. his friends are all addicts...Ive had to ban them all from our house- which makes me feel like a warden. He also has been usiong cocaine since he was 14..its a lifestyle for him.and he drinks everyday...
The thing is Im confused because he does come home every night, pays bills, doesnt go on binges...hes afraid to go to the doctor or quit because of what it might do to him...UGH. I feel stupid. I feel trapped. And I do love him, but he really pulled the wool over my eyes.
His bestfriends of 20 years are all addicts and seem to act like its not a big deal..he has the idea hes "better" than them...which is true in the fact that we have a beautiful house, boat, material ****...but he uses with them all day at work, drinks beer everyday.
But he doesnt beat me, abandon us, speak badly to me...if anything hes just kinda here...he hasnt been feeling good lately. I dont know what to do or where to start. He feels hes the breadwinner..i go back to work in may..so he wont go to rehab.
Insight would be MUCH appriciated. Please
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and jut some added info...he resents me for cutting off friends from coming to our house- I dont agree with it around our kids...and says the way i react to things is overwhelming...wtf..thats not true cause he wont talk to me about this crap.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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Yikes! Welcome to this site. You will find lots of support here.
Nothing you do or say will get him to the point where he will quit using cocaine. And just because he's functional NOW, doesn't mean he'll be functional in a month or a year.
My ex is a cocaine/crack addict and we have a son together. I had to take a look at the kind of people I wanted to allow arund my son, the kind of behaviors that I thought I would be acceptable and then I had to draw boundaries.
One of my boundaries was "I don't want drugs or drug users around my child." That meant his father had to get gone.
Look at your life with him. If this is not what you want to live with forever then start making plans on getting the hell out. Seriously. Read all you can about addiction.
It's progressive. It gets worse.
I hope you keep reading and posting as you work through this very serious issue.
PS. My ex said he was "functional" too. He did cocaine 24/7. When he wasn't on it he slept for days. He dealt to support his habit.
What functional means is that I have enough drugs to meet my needs. End of story. Even addicts living under bridges think they are functional... as long as they have a means to get high.
The addiction is functional. The human being isn't.
Nothing you do or say will get him to the point where he will quit using cocaine. And just because he's functional NOW, doesn't mean he'll be functional in a month or a year.
My ex is a cocaine/crack addict and we have a son together. I had to take a look at the kind of people I wanted to allow arund my son, the kind of behaviors that I thought I would be acceptable and then I had to draw boundaries.
One of my boundaries was "I don't want drugs or drug users around my child." That meant his father had to get gone.
Look at your life with him. If this is not what you want to live with forever then start making plans on getting the hell out. Seriously. Read all you can about addiction.
It's progressive. It gets worse.
I hope you keep reading and posting as you work through this very serious issue.
PS. My ex said he was "functional" too. He did cocaine 24/7. When he wasn't on it he slept for days. He dealt to support his habit.
What functional means is that I have enough drugs to meet my needs. End of story. Even addicts living under bridges think they are functional... as long as they have a means to get high.
The addiction is functional. The human being isn't.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I would disagree slightly with kitty, in that there are varying degrees of functionality, in my opinion. some are relatively highly functional, and this helps to keep the lie alive.
you have every right as a person, and as a mother, to say what is acceptable for you and your children to be exposed to. is he willing to use outside the home only? how's his behavior? i'm sure the dishonesty bothers you greatly - perhaps more than anything else. it sure would me. if this in itself is something you can not tolerate, i would start thinking about your alternatives. lying seems to be part and parcel of being an addict, and now that he knows you don't approve, it's not likely that he'll be truthful with you. he does not acknowledge a problem, so that limits your options.
glad you found this board. this is a great site. :ghug3
you have every right as a person, and as a mother, to say what is acceptable for you and your children to be exposed to. is he willing to use outside the home only? how's his behavior? i'm sure the dishonesty bothers you greatly - perhaps more than anything else. it sure would me. if this in itself is something you can not tolerate, i would start thinking about your alternatives. lying seems to be part and parcel of being an addict, and now that he knows you don't approve, it's not likely that he'll be truthful with you. he does not acknowledge a problem, so that limits your options.
glad you found this board. this is a great site. :ghug3
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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Hmmm... without getting into defining functional which can be very subjective, I want to share that I functioned on cocaine... for a while. Then I needed the cocaine to function.
I guess it depends on your own personal definition of functional.
Keep reading and posting! You'll find lots of good information here and lots of varying opinions.
He does cocaine everyday..at work, home, calls it functional because he pays bills, is a boss at work..etc. If he doesnt do it he sleeps.
Keep reading and posting! You'll find lots of good information here and lots of varying opinions.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by findmyway 
So I meet the man of my dreams ........
He's in denial and it does not sound like he has any intention of changing his lifestyle. His drug use has nothing to do with you or the baby and all to do with addiction. Only you can decide if you can accept him as is/where is, or not.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
recovering crack cocaine addict here, i agree, i thought i was functional until the coke was gone, then i had to find more so that i could function again. its a never ending circle. unless treated, it does get worse. i say protect your valuables, finances, find attend a few alanon or naranon f2f meetings for you and maybe figure out a plan b for yourself, just in case you need one.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Sorry sweetie. Two fathers for your kids and both with significant dysfunction.
Sounds like you have a broken " picker "
Get yourself all the support, therapy, al-anon, mentors, etc. to figure out what are your next best options for your kids and yourself. Get healthy and a healthy environment for them. This is a big task with a new baby...but your kids are being put through a lot.
Sounds like you have a broken " picker "
Get yourself all the support, therapy, al-anon, mentors, etc. to figure out what are your next best options for your kids and yourself. Get healthy and a healthy environment for them. This is a big task with a new baby...but your kids are being put through a lot.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Thank you so much for all responses.. I appreciate every single one.
As for plan B I have one..I have a great paying job- a result of my previous hard work and have the opportunity to get co op housing if the need arises.. I am really dissapointed at myself for not listening to those "red flags" that popped up early in the relationship.
So here I sit..I got a phone call from one of his 'bestfriends' hes worried about my partners drug use as well.. he is an addict himself but is trying to kick it...
Has anyone had experience with Naranon..I am interested in going and am going to look in my area..
I feel like my relationship has been turned upside down..I didn sign up for this. I told him when I met him that I dont change people, dont believe in it..accept them for who they are or move on. And I have tried to speak about my concerns...the drug use seeps into the rest of our relationship..we dont go out, have no help with the kids, money..and he says my responces to things can be "overwhelming" and discounted any emotion feeling I had..ugh, Im almost at the point of knowing what to do but afraid to take the plunge.
I mean am I in love with him..or the "dream" of him. I feel that hes emotionless most of the time, especially when confronted with issues. So there isnt a lot of options..insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results right...
Fck. This really sucks. I really dont want to jump ship but this relationship hides so many things I just do not agree with. Maybe the answer is clearer than I thought.
As for plan B I have one..I have a great paying job- a result of my previous hard work and have the opportunity to get co op housing if the need arises.. I am really dissapointed at myself for not listening to those "red flags" that popped up early in the relationship.
So here I sit..I got a phone call from one of his 'bestfriends' hes worried about my partners drug use as well.. he is an addict himself but is trying to kick it...
Has anyone had experience with Naranon..I am interested in going and am going to look in my area..
I feel like my relationship has been turned upside down..I didn sign up for this. I told him when I met him that I dont change people, dont believe in it..accept them for who they are or move on. And I have tried to speak about my concerns...the drug use seeps into the rest of our relationship..we dont go out, have no help with the kids, money..and he says my responces to things can be "overwhelming" and discounted any emotion feeling I had..ugh, Im almost at the point of knowing what to do but afraid to take the plunge.
I mean am I in love with him..or the "dream" of him. I feel that hes emotionless most of the time, especially when confronted with issues. So there isnt a lot of options..insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results right...
Fck. This really sucks. I really dont want to jump ship but this relationship hides so many things I just do not agree with. Maybe the answer is clearer than I thought.
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Originally Posted by findmyway
I am really dissapointed at myself for not listening to those "red flags" that popped up early in the relationship.
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feel like he snuck all this ******** on me.. for instance I found out he used to have a crack problem
Me too! I found out after he passed away that he had a crack habit. And found out it was his DOC. used to? don't believe it for nothing. crack problem or addiction...ya know?
I dont get it..he doesnt use crack cocaine anymore.. but he has in the past year..and tells me after two months have gone by.
my point exactly. lies.
his friends are all addicts...Ive had to ban them all from our house- which makes me feel like a warden.
phah! who cares? let him go the ** his friends are all addicts house** .
you're sadly right. he did sneak all this crap in on you. surely his intention wasn't to do so, but he did, you found out,now you're called to action.
Mine did go to work everyday (of course he did! drug security!) he took care of things that needed to be taken care of (but all that fell by the wayside eventually...due to the criminal activity)
You are disappointed and betrayed. Those are normal feelings. Grieve that and take action to protect yourself, your children, your assets, etc.
Me too! I found out after he passed away that he had a crack habit. And found out it was his DOC. used to? don't believe it for nothing. crack problem or addiction...ya know?
I dont get it..he doesnt use crack cocaine anymore.. but he has in the past year..and tells me after two months have gone by.
my point exactly. lies.
his friends are all addicts...Ive had to ban them all from our house- which makes me feel like a warden.
phah! who cares? let him go the ** his friends are all addicts house** .
you're sadly right. he did sneak all this crap in on you. surely his intention wasn't to do so, but he did, you found out,now you're called to action.
Mine did go to work everyday (of course he did! drug security!) he took care of things that needed to be taken care of (but all that fell by the wayside eventually...due to the criminal activity)
You are disappointed and betrayed. Those are normal feelings. Grieve that and take action to protect yourself, your children, your assets, etc.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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I cant tell you all how good it feels to be validated, Insulated I am so sorry for your loss! That has got to be one of my biggest fears. Due to the backpain- which I feel is more of a kidney problem, his pain moves and radiates on both sides of lower back, groin area...he refuses to see a doctor. So he comes home from work yesterday,,which is a gong show imo...and one of his "friends" sold him a mind my spelling a percaset?... heavy duty pain killer. So I say- hun you shouldnt take it, mixed with beer and hed been doing lines.. its like "wake the *bleep* up"...he ends up taking it anyway..great just one more thing to add into his toxic behaviour. I feel really angry at him and my resentment is growing. fast.
all in all i will always be his friend...our relationship is failing..we dont sleep or "sleep"
together havent for weeks now. whew..its really nice to get all this off of my chest...and reading my other posts just confirms more of my beliefs. WHAT AM I DOING???
Im going to wait for my opportunity, chant for clarity and create change in my life.I refuse to drown in someone elses ********...
I have the best kids and they are happy and healthy because if I couldnt do anything else I have prevented negative people from being around them..and I am not going to start now. Things are going to have to change or I am.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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[QUOTE=findmyway;2507885
Things are going to have to change or I am.[/QUOTE]
Things ( him) are going to change sounds a lot like an attempt to control someone him.
Boundaries begin with "I" statements and do not demand that others conform to what you think is best.
"I am not going to live with someone in active addiction" is a healthy boundary, especially when there are children involved. Our boundaries are only as good as our follow through.
Things are going to have to change or I am.[/QUOTE]
Things ( him) are going to change sounds a lot like an attempt to control someone him.
Boundaries begin with "I" statements and do not demand that others conform to what you think is best.
"I am not going to live with someone in active addiction" is a healthy boundary, especially when there are children involved. Our boundaries are only as good as our follow through.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Has anyone had experience with Naranon..I am interested in going and am going to look in my area..
I dont get it..he doesnt use crack cocaine anymore.. but he has in the past year..and tells me after two months have gone by.
Im going to wait for my opportunity, chant for clarity and create change in my life.I refuse to drown in someone elses ********...
have the best kids and they are happy and healthy because if I couldnt do anything else I have prevented negative people from being around them..and I am not going to start now.
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Originally Posted by findmyway
Maybe the answer is clearer than I thought.
He died from an overdose two years ago.
I am now watching my adult son travel the same path. Unless your fiance finds recovery, it will worsen in severity over time. It always does.....
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I am looking for naranaon and am planning to go to the first meeting I find, he let me know that over the next couple weeks hes going to be working xtra hours so I have the time to attend some meetings. funny how things work out eh?
i love him a lot...and that means that i cant sit by and watch this happen. ugh. because of the amount of money he makes he has a lot of addict friends that profit off of the self destruction...and sometimes i feel like that too- in the sense that i am here we have the illusion of a "perfect" family but we are both so empty. I want him to quit drugs but I dont want to be resented for it and I feel thats what is going to happen.
im by no means a perfect person- and i hate that feeling of being "motherly"... how do you guys deal with your loved one when they use..say something, dont, and what to do with all of those feelings... i dont nag by any means but whenever i bring up an issue that needs to be discussed he shuts down. he says he wants to be here but his actions prove otherwise.
my brains all muddled...since i grew up with an addict mom and stepfather i dont know what "normal" is... im so f'in confused.
i love him a lot...and that means that i cant sit by and watch this happen. ugh. because of the amount of money he makes he has a lot of addict friends that profit off of the self destruction...and sometimes i feel like that too- in the sense that i am here we have the illusion of a "perfect" family but we are both so empty. I want him to quit drugs but I dont want to be resented for it and I feel thats what is going to happen.
im by no means a perfect person- and i hate that feeling of being "motherly"... how do you guys deal with your loved one when they use..say something, dont, and what to do with all of those feelings... i dont nag by any means but whenever i bring up an issue that needs to be discussed he shuts down. he says he wants to be here but his actions prove otherwise.
my brains all muddled...since i grew up with an addict mom and stepfather i dont know what "normal" is... im so f'in confused.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
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Originally Posted by findmyway
how do you guys deal with your loved one when they use..say something, dont, and what to do with all of those feelings... i dont nag by any means but whenever i bring up an issue that needs to be discussed he shuts down. he says he wants to be here but his actions prove otherwise.
my brains all muddled...since i grew up with an addict mom and stepfather i dont know what "normal" is... im so f'in confused.
my brains all muddled...since i grew up with an addict mom and stepfather i dont know what "normal" is... im so f'in confused.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Thanks so much jerect..
I have set boundries- I requested that his friends who are addicts will not stay over at our house since they use with him it is not appropriate to have them in the house with the children...he threw out a "what you want me to lose their name and number too.." and hasnt slept with me in about a month but what can ya do...So no one comes over- and they all hate me. I dont know what happened- I have always been honest with him about how much I hate drugs...I do- my sisters and me were abandoned because of them and I was homeless since 14 years old because of my moms neglect...I cut off all of my family and worked my ass off to get my job/go to school/left an abusive man all to provide the best life for me and the kids...and here i am again in a ****** up situation. i am really mad and dissapointed at myself.And somehow I think he thinks he "saved" me...funny how people think cause youve had a ****** up childhood/life they think youll just accept anything . Dont get me wrong...we have a beautiful house, hes never friggen home cause he works all the time- he uses at work so its part of his addiction..
I dont even know how much money that **** is.. he uses everyday..lines and lines of coke and hes so seasoned you cant even tell if hes high.
Basically Im the "pretty wife" in the "pretty house". I feel like a maniquin...empty and fake.
I have set boundries- I requested that his friends who are addicts will not stay over at our house since they use with him it is not appropriate to have them in the house with the children...he threw out a "what you want me to lose their name and number too.." and hasnt slept with me in about a month but what can ya do...So no one comes over- and they all hate me. I dont know what happened- I have always been honest with him about how much I hate drugs...I do- my sisters and me were abandoned because of them and I was homeless since 14 years old because of my moms neglect...I cut off all of my family and worked my ass off to get my job/go to school/left an abusive man all to provide the best life for me and the kids...and here i am again in a ****** up situation. i am really mad and dissapointed at myself.And somehow I think he thinks he "saved" me...funny how people think cause youve had a ****** up childhood/life they think youll just accept anything . Dont get me wrong...we have a beautiful house, hes never friggen home cause he works all the time- he uses at work so its part of his addiction..
I dont even know how much money that **** is.. he uses everyday..lines and lines of coke and hes so seasoned you cant even tell if hes high.
Basically Im the "pretty wife" in the "pretty house". I feel like a maniquin...empty and fake.
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well. Sounds like you are very unhappy. Is there anything you are willing to do to change the situation?
Remember - You CAN'T change him. You are not that powerful. If you were that powerful, you wouldn't be here posting on a recovery board for the friends and family members of addicts.
At some point I accepted that I was not a victim of someones addiction. I had to own my decision to stay in a unhealthy relationship. That was the beginning for me - accepting my part in the situation. That spurred me into action - when I realized it was my own fault I was unhappy. When I accepted that I was in a situation of my own making - I started working on myself. I changed. It wasn't easy. Then I got out. That wasn't easy either. It's a journey of self discovery and it takes action. It takes work. No one could do it for me. I had to do it myself.
I'm so much happier now. My ex is still doing what he wants. That's his choice. But I don't have to live with addiction anymore. That was my choice.
The serenity prayer for codependents goes something like this:
Grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change (my son's father)
The courage to change the person I can
And the wisdom to know it's me.
Remember - You CAN'T change him. You are not that powerful. If you were that powerful, you wouldn't be here posting on a recovery board for the friends and family members of addicts.
At some point I accepted that I was not a victim of someones addiction. I had to own my decision to stay in a unhealthy relationship. That was the beginning for me - accepting my part in the situation. That spurred me into action - when I realized it was my own fault I was unhappy. When I accepted that I was in a situation of my own making - I started working on myself. I changed. It wasn't easy. Then I got out. That wasn't easy either. It's a journey of self discovery and it takes action. It takes work. No one could do it for me. I had to do it myself.
I'm so much happier now. My ex is still doing what he wants. That's his choice. But I don't have to live with addiction anymore. That was my choice.
The serenity prayer for codependents goes something like this:
Grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change (my son's father)
The courage to change the person I can
And the wisdom to know it's me.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: British Columbia
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty
Grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change (my son's father)
The courage to change the person I can
And the wisdom to know it's me.
I found a meeting for tonight!
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