ElegantlyWasted

Took me a while to figure this out... Every one who drinks heavily could benefit from cutting down and cultivating new interests. I tend to be completely disfunctional when I drink; to the point of
totally self distructing. You can function and
be
responsible while
consuming vast quantities of booz daily ( hold a job, pay the bills, etc) but is it living? If it's what you want to do go for it as long as it doesn't endanger the physical or
emotional health of others. He has his group of enablers and that's his thing. You want more out of him; if he's willing
to do it; great, if not explain you need certain things from a
sig other; nothing wrong with that; it's healthy communication. It gets sick and twisted when people stay for financial concerns , start having affairs and being passive aggressive. If you were happy just hanging out and boozing in your spare time with Him while you are responsible in all other aspects of your life that's ok too. It's what
you want that matters. Best of luck.

lam9132

Wow -- reading this thread has really opened my eyes. I thought because exBF was attending to his businesses, getting up in the morning, etc. that maybe he wasn't an addict. But he has chronic lower back pain, sleeps for a day at a time after partying on the weekend, has been doing coke since his early 20s or maybe younger . . . hangs out with people who use it a lot . . . has blown me off to hang out with his friends who use. And this guy is 47-years-old -- he's not a kid. I knew he was a heavy drinker. I knew he was a heavy pot smoker. How did I miss the coke for so long? Sounds to me like it's perfectly possible to be a coke addict and still maintain some semblance of a normal life. I feel like such an idiot.

CrackQuack

Crack is cocaine. If he's doing lines, he's playing with WAY too much fire, as I am sure you already know. Cocaine can become crack, quickly, with some baking soda, water, and a spoon (things to look out for, in the house, I know, spoons are everywhere- but if you find them in places they shouldn't be, that is a red flag). Trust me. I am a crack addict. I know how it's done.
Anyway, my ex is also a functional addict. As functional as you can get, with multi-millionaire parents. He'll be 46 this month and his home, business, truck, phone, and bills are ALL in his parent's names. They pay everything. All the bills. When he needs money, they hand it over. I even, at one point, TOLD them what he does and how he operates it under their noses. He's their youngest child and they still treat him like one. Nothing I can do except wait for the funeral.
Anyway, my opinion (and it's just that) is that your husband is headed for disaster. He won't be "functional" for long and those friends are only around because of the cocaine. And he's admitted to smoking crack once. This is fishy. Since he had a problem with it in the past, I would tend to believe he's done in more than once, just isn't admitting to it.
His addiction is telling him to be afraid of what may happen if he gets clean and stays away from the cocaine. IN ALL honesty, the withdrawals are not that horrible. The cravings ARE. So, when he is ready, going to meetings, detox, therapy, In or Out patient treatment are great things to do in order to help him stay clean.
While he is not ready to quit, there is nothing you can do for him. You cannot change him. Ultimatums rarely work (though they have!), and can backfire as the addict will increase their using or leave in order to use..Which could be better for you and the kids. IDK.
Either way, the only thing you can do is to take care of yourself. My only experience with living with an addict was while I was also using. We both smoked crack, popped pills, snorted coke and heroin, and drank. So I didn't care that he was using as long as he got my fix too.. But I read, so often, about how you should take care of you. Try some therapy or look up al anon or nar anon meetings to go to yourself. Keep coming back to SR. There is a lot of information, support, and recovery going on here. And A LOT of people who have been or ARE in your shoes.
Whatever you do, try your best to not enable him. If he ends up in jail, let him stay. If he steals from you or tries to hurt you, call the police. Practice tough love. I hope, that if I ever did anything to hurt my boyfriend (steal his things or his credit card, come home high and bust things up or whatever), he'd put my sorry butt in jail ASAP and let me sit and stew on it and learn, AGAIN, why I shouldn't smoke crack.

I truly wish you the best of luck. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
And I am with you. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing is chance. Welcome to SR. I am CrackQuack, 1 year clean. My drug of choice is crack cocaine.

findmyway

Last night I tried again to have a conversation with him- he was upset about something and I thought it was an opportunity to have a talk..see where we stand in our relationship. I feel that he nitpicks..about the kids, me, while the big issues are swept under the rug. So we start talking, he says doesnt want to argue- "this conversations over" -his words. Hes so arrogant. I said its not healthy,,we dont talk, sleep together, hang out, let alone spend time with me and the kids. I swear I dont know who he is anymore, when I met him we used to have a lot of fun, all of us together. AnYwAy. He grabs a pillow blanket lies down on the couch and goes to sleep. It was SUCH a petty thing he wanted to be mad about about...my daughter told a fib- I talked to her about it, she went to room to do homework. I mean common shes 10!
I said he has lied about a lot of things to me...like his drug use.
Anyway thats not the point Im done. Hes not the same person, Im tired of holding everything together. I am looking for housing (the process is put into gear co-op contacting me when they have one available), putting money away and moving out.
I hope everything falls into play..Im still on parental leave and go back in May, I pray to find affordable housing quickly so I can set up daycare and everything before then. Ugh I have a lot of work to do- but I refuse to stay in the muck.

Suspicious

holy cow findmyway... you sound so much like me. especially the feeling like he uses the kids and their issues to distract from his own much larger issues. the other night my 12 yr old tried to sneak some fireworks out the house. son was all upset that ah had 'patted him down like some criminal'... thing is son was guilty as could be and all the self righteous posturing was just to try to deflect from the fact that he was busted. what he did was a bit more serious than your daughters fib but just as you did i was thinking to myself you patted him down to prove the point of what he did was wrong... wonder how he would have felt if one night i patted him down in his pj's just to let him know that i know he sleeps with pills in his pocket.

and yes, i do recognize how unhealthy this thinking is for my son and how unhealthy the act of snooping is for me. i recognize it. i am not ready or able to do anything about it at this point.

findmyway

I am waiting to leave so at this point I am distancing myself and trying to build up my life again..Its like I woke up and my life wasnt mine I was revolving it around him.Thats not healthy..so I keep me and the kids busy- swimming, out to eat, gym...I can only fix myself.
Its tough suspicious... i feel ya!

starrynite

Hugs to you find. I probably wrote your post several years ago. Functional becomes dysfunctional very quickly and in hindsight the signs are so incredibly obvious. It also became very clear to me that the "normal" life we were living was anything but.

If he is using on the job he will eventually lose that job. The drugs always win unless the addict gets help.

You will know what to do when it's time. Keep talking to your support group and reading the literature. Trust your gut and know that you will find the courage and the answers you are seeking.