Need help with no-contact...
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I agree with Teke - once he finds out you're on a date it will be probably not good with him. End that relationship FIRST before moving on. I'm assuming his stuff is all still there??
Trying to word this the best that I can...but... do you see that the whole 'I'm gonna go on a date' thing is still manipulation and control on your part? He didn't call which = he's in control so you up the ante to gain that control back. I mean do you really want to go on a date? Are you really interested in someone else? Or are your motives to show him that he'd better get clean or he's gonna lose you.
The above paragraph probably struck a cord with you? We've pm'd and talked and I know that you know that it was said with love. I care about you Cess.
Trying to word this the best that I can...but... do you see that the whole 'I'm gonna go on a date' thing is still manipulation and control on your part? He didn't call which = he's in control so you up the ante to gain that control back. I mean do you really want to go on a date? Are you really interested in someone else? Or are your motives to show him that he'd better get clean or he's gonna lose you.
The above paragraph probably struck a cord with you? We've pm'd and talked and I know that you know that it was said with love. I care about you Cess.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
When I told my S/O that I needed to be done with it (several months ago), I started dating almost right away. I was kinda ashamed of it, because I thought it screamed "man dependence". But I did it because I wanted the distraction. The last thing I wanted was another boyfriend, or a lover, or even a good friend. I just needed to feel admired, appreciated, attractive, I wanted to know that I was someone people would seek out to be with and that one day, in the future, I could get on that whole dating scene and maybe I would be in a place to have a relationship. But even though a couple of them were enjoyable, it also felt like I was being disingenuous, like I was doing something that I clearly wasn't into, or remotely ready for. My body was there but the rest was not.
Anyway, didn't mean to start a hijack there. It actually was a bit therapuetic, as i said affirming to the ol' ego. But you know, I already knew I was special enough without that attention. Also, I think Callie may have hit on something. But I hope you had a nice time, and are doing ok right now.
Anyway, didn't mean to start a hijack there. It actually was a bit therapuetic, as i said affirming to the ol' ego. But you know, I already knew I was special enough without that attention. Also, I think Callie may have hit on something. But I hope you had a nice time, and are doing ok right now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: tx
Posts: 4
The NO CONTACT got my attention on this discussion..my issue is the other way around and I'm very distraught over it. A man that I have cared deeply about for a good part of my life just recently showed back up in my life sober. Its been roughly 10 years since I walked away for good the last time. Everything was great and then suddenly he just completely erased me from his life. I can't help but wonder if this has something to do w his recovery, but if it does than why was I the only one from his past that he erased?? He's 19 months sober but only 4 months out of jail...any insight is appreciated I'm shocked myself @ how heartbroken I am.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 31
this is perfect for me. i am a recovering love addict and now a recovering alcoholic. i know this drill. not saying this is love addiction, i just know that this is how it's felt for me trying to break away from a guy.
right now i've re-contacted an ex who has hurt me badly before and i'm thinking that's not a good idea. it's making me feel anxious yet i get that drawn to feeling towards him which is almost always about if he goes unavailable then i gotta have him. plus, i've always got that tiny bit of hope that this time it'll be different which is sooooo unrealistic. so i needed to hear this for sure.
my thought is that what has worked for me with the love addiction and now the alcohol is to get my butt to a meeting every day and get on the phone with other recovering folks (or go online here). at first when i stop with the compulsive love or the drink, it's like hearing nails on a chalkboard, drives me nuts. so it's a minute a time for a bit.
but if i keep up the meetings and keep calling folks, etc, it goes to one day at a time.
know these are different situations, but i really identified with this and this is just what i needed to hear.
thank you.
right now i've re-contacted an ex who has hurt me badly before and i'm thinking that's not a good idea. it's making me feel anxious yet i get that drawn to feeling towards him which is almost always about if he goes unavailable then i gotta have him. plus, i've always got that tiny bit of hope that this time it'll be different which is sooooo unrealistic. so i needed to hear this for sure.
my thought is that what has worked for me with the love addiction and now the alcohol is to get my butt to a meeting every day and get on the phone with other recovering folks (or go online here). at first when i stop with the compulsive love or the drink, it's like hearing nails on a chalkboard, drives me nuts. so it's a minute a time for a bit.
but if i keep up the meetings and keep calling folks, etc, it goes to one day at a time.
know these are different situations, but i really identified with this and this is just what i needed to hear.
thank you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Jordan, MN
Posts: 91
Just my two cents. I went to Codependents Anonymous (CODA) and the encouragement really helped me to take ownership of myself and quit giving to HIM! It's amazing how I can go without even thinking of HIM! I laugh and jump and dance! Yes, you can do it. It took me four long years and then I found CODA. Also, what helped me was reading, "Men Who Love BITCHES." Bitch stands for : Babe In Total Control of Herself! It was really empowering. These guys are so textbook and so are we when we let them be the puppet master manipulaters.
I get more respect from men now than I ever have in my whole life!!
I get more respect from men now than I ever have in my whole life!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
my AH has been gone now for 2 months..in the beginning I used every excuse to call where he lives. he became angry at what I had to say and the calls from him became less. I used to wait around for his call, check my caller ID whenever I came home, but it has become easier. I have learned so much (the 12 steps and meetings) that have helped me realize our actions were normal and that talking to him about anything I was still enabling him.
Last week during a snow storm he called and I didnt pick up!! he was concerned about me shoveling (yeah right) but I didnt respond. 2 days later
I get a call from the police that he wanted some papers I had, that was
a stupid call of his part because the police became very angry (they know our situation as my AH is bipolar) and they reamed his ass out, so he is trying all angles to contact me and knows Im not responding. I think this will make him realize that Im done with dealing with him high. Yes I feel sad, yes I feel guilty, yes I miss talking to him. but his marriage is to his addiction and until he changes that I wont communicate like a normal marriage.today of course is hard being valentines day, but you will get through each day, just take it one day at a time. I tried to keep myself busy ended up painting the house inside (new look,new life,new beginnings?) and ended up only doing 1/2 of the room...LOL...I know another good day will come and I will finish
hugs to all!
Last week during a snow storm he called and I didnt pick up!! he was concerned about me shoveling (yeah right) but I didnt respond. 2 days later
I get a call from the police that he wanted some papers I had, that was
a stupid call of his part because the police became very angry (they know our situation as my AH is bipolar) and they reamed his ass out, so he is trying all angles to contact me and knows Im not responding. I think this will make him realize that Im done with dealing with him high. Yes I feel sad, yes I feel guilty, yes I miss talking to him. but his marriage is to his addiction and until he changes that I wont communicate like a normal marriage.today of course is hard being valentines day, but you will get through each day, just take it one day at a time. I tried to keep myself busy ended up painting the house inside (new look,new life,new beginnings?) and ended up only doing 1/2 of the room...LOL...I know another good day will come and I will finish
hugs to all!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
NO Contact to Win Them Back - Should You Answer Their Calls?
For most going though a break up NO Contact is to heal and more on. However, for some that feel the relationship is worth saving, it’s to allow time and space, in hopes the ex will turn around and realize he or she wants you, and that they made a mistake. I am hoping my ex will return to me, so I have to let him go to hopefully get him back.
But, I have wondered if having No Contact really works in all cases. I feel you should not contact him for at least a month maybe longer. However, What if he calls me? Should I answer or continue no contact? This is the way I feel I should handle things if my ex calls me.
If you don’t take his call, then you are really saying to him you are not ready and that you’re still hurting over him, or basically he knows you might still have feelings for him and he could have you back if he wanted you. So if people never want what they CAN have, he won’t feel like chasing after you YET.
However, if he calls and you answer, and you act happy and full of energy, like life is great, then a few things will happen. He will think you’re over him already and it doesn’t matter either way if he calls you. This will confuse him, because he thought you were still yearning over him. Also, your being happy will make him miss the happy person he once knew, and he’ll want to be around you again. He will wonder if you’re happy because you have found someone else. If you act hurt and like your still upset with him for breaking up with you, he will only feel like he made a mistake by calling you in the first place and he will not want to contact you again.
So, if he calls…answer his call, surprise him by being happy. Talk only small talk, don’t bring up the relationship, don’t ask him if he’s seeing anyone (this will show you still care), Don’t tell him every detail about your life (leave some mystery) and don’t tell him if your dating, he’ll think your trying to make him jealous, which shows you still care. If he asks you if you’re dating then tell him yes (even if you’re not) but then say nicely you would rather not talk about it. Keep the conversation short, and be the first to say good bye. Then don’t call him back, let him wonder about you and let him call you back again if he wants…let him chase you. Don’t let him think he can easily have you back (make him work), but don’t play too hard to get either. Just be pleasant (even if you have to act!)
Read Homer McDonald’s Stop My Divorce (or Break Up) He gives very good advice. I found it for free as an ebook.
But, I have wondered if having No Contact really works in all cases. I feel you should not contact him for at least a month maybe longer. However, What if he calls me? Should I answer or continue no contact? This is the way I feel I should handle things if my ex calls me.
If you don’t take his call, then you are really saying to him you are not ready and that you’re still hurting over him, or basically he knows you might still have feelings for him and he could have you back if he wanted you. So if people never want what they CAN have, he won’t feel like chasing after you YET.
However, if he calls and you answer, and you act happy and full of energy, like life is great, then a few things will happen. He will think you’re over him already and it doesn’t matter either way if he calls you. This will confuse him, because he thought you were still yearning over him. Also, your being happy will make him miss the happy person he once knew, and he’ll want to be around you again. He will wonder if you’re happy because you have found someone else. If you act hurt and like your still upset with him for breaking up with you, he will only feel like he made a mistake by calling you in the first place and he will not want to contact you again.
So, if he calls…answer his call, surprise him by being happy. Talk only small talk, don’t bring up the relationship, don’t ask him if he’s seeing anyone (this will show you still care), Don’t tell him every detail about your life (leave some mystery) and don’t tell him if your dating, he’ll think your trying to make him jealous, which shows you still care. If he asks you if you’re dating then tell him yes (even if you’re not) but then say nicely you would rather not talk about it. Keep the conversation short, and be the first to say good bye. Then don’t call him back, let him wonder about you and let him call you back again if he wants…let him chase you. Don’t let him think he can easily have you back (make him work), but don’t play too hard to get either. Just be pleasant (even if you have to act!)
Read Homer McDonald’s Stop My Divorce (or Break Up) He gives very good advice. I found it for free as an ebook.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by cessy68 
I'd have to agree here teke, It causes me sadness (that I use as strength) to remind myself,that this is the ONLY reason he is calling. Exactly what you said.
I tell myself, NOT to allow myself to be used so carelessly by another human being.... who just wants to know if i'm 'still around,waiting, loving....etc.' and how selfish of him to want that as well.
Thank u,
Cess
I tell myself, NOT to allow myself to be used so carelessly by another human being.... who just wants to know if i'm 'still around,waiting, loving....etc.' and how selfish of him to want that as well.
Thank u,
Cess
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by anvilhead
hello LHS....i must say i really have to disagree in principle with your post as it seems more geared to playing games, acting coy and all in the hopes of getting the partner BACK and not in any way dealing with the purpose here at SR which is dealing with addiction in our lives........
Well. I have to respect that. If each case or person reading this believes their bond to the ex is ONLY due to addition, then you are right. However, if it's because of feelings of true love and not addiction, then I would have to say my last post is true. That's just how I feel not trying to go against anybody.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
I read recently here that a counseler told a person that relationship repair could not be acheived as long as active addiction was still present.
I know your trying to help. And in a relationship where no active addiction exists your post could be very helpful. It would be very easy for us to get our active addicted ones back, heck we could just whistle and they would come running to us so that we can make thier lives comfy so they can have thier drugs and a life too.
But we can't do that, thats why we are here, to say enough is enough, I cannot deal with the addiction anymore.
Are you dealing with someone's addiction in your life? If so your in the right place.
Hugs,
Teggie
I know your trying to help. And in a relationship where no active addiction exists your post could be very helpful. It would be very easy for us to get our active addicted ones back, heck we could just whistle and they would come running to us so that we can make thier lives comfy so they can have thier drugs and a life too.
But we can't do that, thats why we are here, to say enough is enough, I cannot deal with the addiction anymore.
Are you dealing with someone's addiction in your life? If so your in the right place.
Hugs,
Teggie
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Originally Posted by anvilhead
True he may be feeling you out by calling, but it's WHAT you say and HOW you act that will matter. If you say mean things and act upset he is getting satisfaction, he knows you still want him, but if you act happy and unconcerned, he was think, Hey, I'm losing her! She is fine with out me...then he might start really wanting you back again. You have to take back the power. Of course if you don't want to save your relationship, then don't answer his calls. But if you do, show him life is just great without him, he will now be confused. His original hunter instincts will return!
once again, IMHO, this sounds like it's straight out of the 60's....this is NOT a RELATIONSHIP REPAIR forum......people are here because their lives have been torn asunder BY ADDICTION.....we are learning to live our lives AUTHENTICALLY, not act and behave in ways in order to MANIPULATE someone else. i think perhaps you would do well to read the polices and other notes at the beginning of the forum and consider that before your next post.
once again, IMHO, this sounds like it's straight out of the 60's....this is NOT a RELATIONSHIP REPAIR forum......people are here because their lives have been torn asunder BY ADDICTION.....we are learning to live our lives AUTHENTICALLY, not act and behave in ways in order to MANIPULATE someone else. i think perhaps you would do well to read the polices and other notes at the beginning of the forum and consider that before your next post.
i'm sorry but i have to agree with anvil, because we don't want to hijack cessy's thead, maybe you could start one of your own, with this conversation as your title or topic. there maybe others who might want to share with you on this issue.
imo, recovery or loving an active addict is more serious than just trying to get them back into our lives or gaining power over any situation, only ourselves. i'm a recovering addict and recovery is about sick people trying to get better and not how we can stay stuck together while still remain sick. hope i'm not out of place, if i am, i'm so sorry.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by anvilhead
True he may be feeling you out by calling, but it's WHAT you say and HOW you act that will matter. If you say mean things and act upset he is getting satisfaction, he knows you still want him, but if you act happy and unconcerned, he was think, Hey, I'm losing her! She is fine with out me...then he might start really wanting you back again. You have to take back the power. Of course if you don't want to save your relationship, then don't answer his calls. But if you do, show him life is just great without him, he will now be confused. His original hunter instincts will return!
once again, IMHO, this sounds like it's straight out of the 60's....this is NOT a RELATIONSHIP REPAIR forum......people are here because their lives have been torn asunder BY ADDICTION.....we are learning to live our lives AUTHENTICALLY, not act and behave in ways in order to MANIPULATE someone else. i think perhaps you would do well to read the polices and other notes at the beginning of the forum and consider that before your next post.
once again, IMHO, this sounds like it's straight out of the 60's....this is NOT a RELATIONSHIP REPAIR forum......people are here because their lives have been torn asunder BY ADDICTION.....we are learning to live our lives AUTHENTICALLY, not act and behave in ways in order to MANIPULATE someone else. i think perhaps you would do well to read the polices and other notes at the beginning of the forum and consider that before your next post.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by teke
lovehimstill, first i'd like to welcome you to sr. glad you are here but hate what brought you here.
i'm sorry but i have to agree with anvil, because we don't want to hijack cessy's thead, maybe you could start one of your own, with this conversation as your title or topic. there maybe others who might want to share with you on this issue.
imo, recovery or loving an active addict is more serious than just trying to get them back into our lives or gaining power over any situation, only ourselves. i'm a recovering addict and recovery is about sick people trying to get better and not how we can stay stuck together while still remain sick. hope i'm not out of place, if i am, i'm so sorry.
i'm sorry but i have to agree with anvil, because we don't want to hijack cessy's thead, maybe you could start one of your own, with this conversation as your title or topic. there maybe others who might want to share with you on this issue.
imo, recovery or loving an active addict is more serious than just trying to get them back into our lives or gaining power over any situation, only ourselves. i'm a recovering addict and recovery is about sick people trying to get better and not how we can stay stuck together while still remain sick. hope i'm not out of place, if i am, i'm so sorry.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i hope you are not implying that you are leaving sr, we're here to support each other.
most of us here do want to save our relationships only its a little more important for us right now to save ourselves from the effects of addiction. we love our addicts as much as the next person but we have found that no matter how much we love them, that love won't help them to want to save themselves from their addictions, it won't keep us from going crazy trying to help and with that, i don't see how any relationship can be saved. jmho
most of us here do want to save our relationships only its a little more important for us right now to save ourselves from the effects of addiction. we love our addicts as much as the next person but we have found that no matter how much we love them, that love won't help them to want to save themselves from their addictions, it won't keep us from going crazy trying to help and with that, i don't see how any relationship can be saved. jmho
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by teke
i hope you are not implying that you are leaving sr. most of us here do want to save our relationships only its a little more important for us right now to save ourselves from the effects of addiction. we love our addicts as much as the next person but we have found that no matter how much we love them, that love won't help them to want to save themselves from their addictions and with that, i don't see how any relationship can be saved. jmho
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
someone just told me the other day that i don't need a qualifier(addict) to be here, so neither do you. maybe you could at least stick around and read others stories or something like that until you feel you want to share again. we value all opinions, i know i do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
We started giving ourselves Golden Cowchips last week for "no contact or for when we don't take their ****, compost, ca ca, or manure anymore ". I have 9 chips.....nine days.....NC.....and may give myself that sundae too......! There are a couple of posts about it. (and a giant picture of a chip) I printed several for my friends and myself.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Teggie
I read recently here that a counseler told a person that relationship repair could not be acheived as long as active addiction was still present.
LoveHimStill, you might want to read the sticky called "What addicts do" for better understanding, especially the part where he mentions sociopathic behavior.
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