Any Advice Appreciated.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I told him to get his stuff and get out. Deals off.
Do you have friends or family you can talk to about this? Do others 9besides us) in your life know what is going on? It was important for me to let others know so that I had both support and accountability.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 10
My mom told me to be safe, but we have not really been able to talk about it at length because we have family from out of state staying at her house. My Mom is the type to just totally freak out and it will be very very complicated for her because she went through it all with my Dad (AA). But her house is too small and I can't stay there now because there is no room. In regards to him leaving, this morning he acted like everything was fine and is begging for one more chance. I want to say yes but how many times does he get "one more chance". There is no way he would have ever given me any chances if I had lied, had affairs, did drugs. Where do you seperate addiction and the disease and personal responsibility or accountability?
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
This was originally posted by----nytepassion in a sticky
( I think she wrote it not 100% sure)
You asked when you draw the line.............and I think this poem answers that question better than anything I can say.........
Are you wondering when the pain stops?
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The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
( I think she wrote it not 100% sure)
You asked when you draw the line.............and I think this poem answers that question better than anything I can say.........
Are you wondering when the pain stops?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
You stop LISTENING to what he says and you go by his ACTIONS. He will "one more chance" you to death...or jail..or loss of your child if you let him.
Some wise person, here, once said to pretend he had duct tape across his mouth and you couldn't hear anything he said...what do you SEE? Is anything different today than it was yesterday?
If it were me, I'd make him leave and show some SERIOUS recovery ACTIONS before I let him anywhere near my child. I know you love him, but you and your son are going to get dragged down into a very bad place if you let him. I lived in the hood when I was using. I've SEEN innocent children who got dragged down because of their daddy's using. I've SEEN innocent children get thrown into a foster system because mama loved daddy so much, she couldn't see far enough past it to take care of her and the baby first. And for what it's worth, GA's foster care system has some serious issues.
I'm really, really not trying to be harsh. I just want you to know what the reality is from the addict's side is. I'm also a codie, so I know BOTH sides of addiction and they both suck. I'm helping to raise my 16-year-old niece who's mama died in a car wreck and her dad is in jail for the millionth time because of HIS addiction and it hurts her, deeply, that he "doesn't love me more than the dope" and that he has missed the majority of her life. I should have been here for her, instead of out there using the 3 years I did.
Fortunately, I am now way wiser in my codependency that I am able to help her. Addiction has very long arms. Please realize that you and your child need stability and he is not going to give it to you until he has some serious recovery time, and he's not going to get THAT until he hits a bottom and is forced to face the consequences of his using.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Some wise person, here, once said to pretend he had duct tape across his mouth and you couldn't hear anything he said...what do you SEE? Is anything different today than it was yesterday?
If it were me, I'd make him leave and show some SERIOUS recovery ACTIONS before I let him anywhere near my child. I know you love him, but you and your son are going to get dragged down into a very bad place if you let him. I lived in the hood when I was using. I've SEEN innocent children who got dragged down because of their daddy's using. I've SEEN innocent children get thrown into a foster system because mama loved daddy so much, she couldn't see far enough past it to take care of her and the baby first. And for what it's worth, GA's foster care system has some serious issues.
I'm really, really not trying to be harsh. I just want you to know what the reality is from the addict's side is. I'm also a codie, so I know BOTH sides of addiction and they both suck. I'm helping to raise my 16-year-old niece who's mama died in a car wreck and her dad is in jail for the millionth time because of HIS addiction and it hurts her, deeply, that he "doesn't love me more than the dope" and that he has missed the majority of her life. I should have been here for her, instead of out there using the 3 years I did.
Fortunately, I am now way wiser in my codependency that I am able to help her. Addiction has very long arms. Please realize that you and your child need stability and he is not going to give it to you until he has some serious recovery time, and he's not going to get THAT until he hits a bottom and is forced to face the consequences of his using.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 10
Thanks. Codependency is a bitch. But I am reading the codependent no more and going to meetings. My mother is a codependent and so am I but the cycle will stop here because my son is too precious for that. He is going to a meeting tonight and afterwards I will tell him there is no one more last chance. He is being very sweet but is a great manipulator and right now, makes my skin crawl. I think that is a sign. But I don't want my son to not have a dad around like I did growing up but I cannot put his health and safety at risk so he can have a dad around, that is silly. Thanks for the advice everyone!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by mammainok 
There is no way he would have ever given me any chances if I had lied, had affairs, did drugs. Where do you seperate addiction and the disease and personal responsibility or accountability?
If a homeless guy from the inner city knocked at your door and said he was schizophrenic and had no place to live, nothing to eat, would you invite him in? Ok, of course not, but bear with me. You can have compassionn for the guy, appreciate his situation, but still draw a boundary. You can say "if you do _____ (this), then I will do _____ (that)" "If you use, you must leave." You can do so with love and caring for him, but still put that in place. It's done all the time and it helps them to get healthy - to get to a place where he will choose to seek remission from his disease.
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