Codie Frenzy
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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I don't know about this being a 'codie' relapse.
Bottom line is do what you say you are going to do...... I don't know of ANY man that I dated, (or married) that if I wern't where I said I was going to be, wouldn't be pissed.
Or my parents, or my kids.etc............
So, if he didn't do what he said he was going to do.... what's wrong w/being angry. It's disrespectful, and inconciderate. Simply put, he could pick up the phone and say "im running late", just as you would call into work, if you were going to be late. It's called responsibility.
Apparently he dosen't feel obligated to do those things..... and I think that's upsetting to you. Not everything has to be because YOU are so ill, as a 'codie'. Jmo.
Love,
Cess
Bottom line is do what you say you are going to do...... I don't know of ANY man that I dated, (or married) that if I wern't where I said I was going to be, wouldn't be pissed.
Or my parents, or my kids.etc............
So, if he didn't do what he said he was going to do.... what's wrong w/being angry. It's disrespectful, and inconciderate. Simply put, he could pick up the phone and say "im running late", just as you would call into work, if you were going to be late. It's called responsibility.
Apparently he dosen't feel obligated to do those things..... and I think that's upsetting to you. Not everything has to be because YOU are so ill, as a 'codie'. Jmo.
Love,
Cess
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by cessy68 
I don't know about this being a 'codie' relapse.
If she is going to relapse again, that's her choice and she is going to do this or not, regardless of what I say or do, or not. It's my mantra.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I think you did fine honey. When I left my (ex), he kept some of our 4 legged children. He loves them all as much as I do. One of the dogs got sick last month, I couldn't be there to see how she was doing, he didn't take her to the vet as fast as I would have, and then he thought I spoke to the vet about how she was, so he didn't call me.
Epic meltdown on my part. I spent an entire day climbing the walls. Turns out the dog is fine, and with her so far away, I just have to let go and trust, which is so hard to do. If she got sick today I would remember he took care of it last time (maybe), but the hurt of not being there would still happen.
We are allowed to get upset=) Any "normal" person would be, and even if it had been a codie relapse, we are always after progress not perfection right?
Epic meltdown on my part. I spent an entire day climbing the walls. Turns out the dog is fine, and with her so far away, I just have to let go and trust, which is so hard to do. If she got sick today I would remember he took care of it last time (maybe), but the hurt of not being there would still happen.
We are allowed to get upset=) Any "normal" person would be, and even if it had been a codie relapse, we are always after progress not perfection right?
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Originally Posted by cassandra2
So for now I will be looking for ways to redirect this desire to control.
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(((Cass))) - I'm coming from the other side. With over 2-1/2 years clean, if I don't answer my phone when my dad/stepmom calls and don't call back within a reasonable amount of time (10 minutes?) they are worried...moreso, depending on where I am. If I were to be anywhere NEAR the town where I used, they would panic.
I know this, and I understand it. I make sure that I always call back, even if I'm at work, busy and can only say "I'm busy, is this an emergency or can I call you back?" This, to me, is part of my consequences of "disappearing" when I relapsed and even though sometimes I feel like a little kid, checking in, it's okay.
To me, it's about respect. I expect the same from my dad when he is on the road, because I worry about him.
I understand why you reacted the way you did. My XABF never wanted to get clean, but I realized that even if he did, I would be always in a panic if he didn't answer the phone or do what he was supposed to do one day, and for me, I couldn't do it. Many people can, but they probably had a much stronger relationship to start with
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I know this, and I understand it. I make sure that I always call back, even if I'm at work, busy and can only say "I'm busy, is this an emergency or can I call you back?" This, to me, is part of my consequences of "disappearing" when I relapsed and even though sometimes I feel like a little kid, checking in, it's okay.
To me, it's about respect. I expect the same from my dad when he is on the road, because I worry about him.
I understand why you reacted the way you did. My XABF never wanted to get clean, but I realized that even if he did, I would be always in a panic if he didn't answer the phone or do what he was supposed to do one day, and for me, I couldn't do it. Many people can, but they probably had a much stronger relationship to start with
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Great thread cass. I totally understand where you're coming from. I can be from 0-100mph in 1.6 seconds. If I cannot get ahold of my RAH, if he's late, if he's not where he says he is.
Chino described my panic exactly had to work on controlling myself first, by doing something with the anger. Anger will always be my first response to threats, real or imagined. Once that initial adrenaline surge gets moving, I have a very brief moment to direct it before it's out of control and I am too. I have to do something with the adrenaline or it continues to produce, just racing around inside my body, driving me crazy
I have yet to be able to control it the anger. It goes from completely fine/serene to anger and very quickly escalates to a panic/rage. For me, it is not necessarily a control issue.I feel that I've had years of 'conditioning' to get here. Addiction turned him to a lying, manipulating, slimey snake. Now that he's not in addiction I feel that the oneness is on HIM to be transparent and truthful from every aspect. Until that happens for an extended and consistent period of time, I will still have these mini panic attacks/fits. This is a HUGE problem for us right now and one that he's just now starting to see that he needs to work on.
If any other person was late or forgot to call or whatever, I wouldn't worry too much at all. With RAH, I always jump to conclusions and make my own truths/scenario's up in my mind. They are usually always worse than the reality. My feeling is that HE did this, HE needs to correct it by handling me with kid gloves until some of the trust/respect comes back. I act this way with no other person BTW.
I've spoken with many addiction specialists/counselors and the stuff that us codies are dealing with when our addicts are in deep has the makings for causing us codies to have panic attacks. From my POV your RABF should have given you the respect of a phone call. I don't see it as much of a control issue as you do. If my RAH is using again I deserve to know that because it changes my path in life.
If you're spending your hard earned money on a house, you deserve to know BEFOREHAND if it has structural issues, plumbing issues, roof issues etc. Because it's your money you need to know whether it's better to put MORE money in it to fix it up or if it's irrepairable and walk away and find a different house. IMHO you aren't out of line at all. You need to know and be secure in the fact that he's not using before you put your heart on the line again. You've/We've BTDT and gotten burned. As Amy said it is up to the addict to not convince us, but prove otherwise that in recovery they are a different person with normal morals/values.
Chino described my panic exactly had to work on controlling myself first, by doing something with the anger. Anger will always be my first response to threats, real or imagined. Once that initial adrenaline surge gets moving, I have a very brief moment to direct it before it's out of control and I am too. I have to do something with the adrenaline or it continues to produce, just racing around inside my body, driving me crazy
I have yet to be able to control it the anger. It goes from completely fine/serene to anger and very quickly escalates to a panic/rage. For me, it is not necessarily a control issue.I feel that I've had years of 'conditioning' to get here. Addiction turned him to a lying, manipulating, slimey snake. Now that he's not in addiction I feel that the oneness is on HIM to be transparent and truthful from every aspect. Until that happens for an extended and consistent period of time, I will still have these mini panic attacks/fits. This is a HUGE problem for us right now and one that he's just now starting to see that he needs to work on.
If any other person was late or forgot to call or whatever, I wouldn't worry too much at all. With RAH, I always jump to conclusions and make my own truths/scenario's up in my mind. They are usually always worse than the reality. My feeling is that HE did this, HE needs to correct it by handling me with kid gloves until some of the trust/respect comes back. I act this way with no other person BTW.
I've spoken with many addiction specialists/counselors and the stuff that us codies are dealing with when our addicts are in deep has the makings for causing us codies to have panic attacks. From my POV your RABF should have given you the respect of a phone call. I don't see it as much of a control issue as you do. If my RAH is using again I deserve to know that because it changes my path in life.
If you're spending your hard earned money on a house, you deserve to know BEFOREHAND if it has structural issues, plumbing issues, roof issues etc. Because it's your money you need to know whether it's better to put MORE money in it to fix it up or if it's irrepairable and walk away and find a different house. IMHO you aren't out of line at all. You need to know and be secure in the fact that he's not using before you put your heart on the line again. You've/We've BTDT and gotten burned. As Amy said it is up to the addict to not convince us, but prove otherwise that in recovery they are a different person with normal morals/values.
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Chino,
Can I ask HOW you do this?? I've not found a way yet, other than completely removing him from my life. Anger will always be my first response to threats, real or imagined. Once that initial adrenaline surge gets moving, I have a very brief moment to direct it before it's out of control and I am too. I have to do something with the adrenaline or it continues to produce, just racing around inside my body, driving me crazy
Can I ask HOW you do this?? I've not found a way yet, other than completely removing him from my life. Anger will always be my first response to threats, real or imagined. Once that initial adrenaline surge gets moving, I have a very brief moment to direct it before it's out of control and I am too. I have to do something with the adrenaline or it continues to produce, just racing around inside my body, driving me crazy
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Originally Posted by Callie
My feeling is that HE did this, HE needs to correct it by handling me with kid gloves until some of the trust/respect comes back. I act this way with no other person BTW.
The point of my post was not to point out what he did wrong or get everyone to side with me that I was right in being angry. MY POINT of this was to say that I was angry that I had NO CONTROL over this situation. I dont want it to be that way. If I stay in this state and a relapse were to occur I would probably go right down the tubes with him. I am being honest here. I dont want that to happen. Now, I am not saying that I expect him to relapse and that I am preparing for that, I am saying that I dont want to be so EMESHED with someone else that EVERYTHING that they do that isnt what I want them to do DOESNT TURN ME INTO A RAGING MANIAC!!!!
In order for me to be healthy I need to have the option of taking him or leaving him just the way he is. AND BEING OK EMOTIONALLY EITHER WAY!
When incident happened I was being controlled by my emotions. That isnt healthy. I dont want to live that way.
He is responsible for his recovery and I am responsible for mine. So if that is the case he IS NOT responsible for making it better emotionally for me. Thats my job.
Until we as codies take ownership for our part in how we acted and reacted with and to our addicts we will remain sick. We will remain stuck. We will stay in the mentallity that THEY somehow need to make it better, not US.
I dont know about any of you but I want to be in a position to be able to accept things the way they are and be ok with it be it that its bad or good. I want serenity in my daily life regardless of the stuff that is going on in it.
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Originally Posted by Chino
I had to work on controlling myself first, by doing something with the anger. Anger will always be my first response to threats, real or imagined. Once that initial adrenaline surge gets moving, I have a very brief moment to direct it before it's out of control and I am too. I have to do something with the adrenaline or it continues to produce, just racing around inside my body, driving me crazy. The more I work on controlling my responses, the less I try to control others.
When the addict lies to me, my switch flips on automatically and immediately and my gut wrenches. It is fear. Fear that I am not "good enough" or "pretty or enough" or "enough" for him; if I were enough, then he would not use. I know that the addiction is his problem, and that my actions have nothing to do with him using. But again, that disconnect between knowing that and feeling "less than". The same brain, but a total disconnect in my head.
When I smash a tv or scream, it is my fear. My fear that he is going to leave me. Guess what? He already left me. his sobriety is fleeting. The addiction is there more than it is not. It is my fantasy, my illusion of control. This beast is so much bigger than me and him. and my fear/anger, need to feel I am controlling the uncontrollable makes little sense to normies, but it is who I am. I am grateful for these boards and Alanon and my sponsor. I do not know where I would be without them.
NC Girl
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I dont know about any of you but I want to be in a position to be able to accept things the way they are and be ok with it be it that its bad or good.
Only I can decide what is appropriate treatment of me and my son, and only I can enforce my personal boundaries.
Yes. I still get angry when someone treats me in a way that I consider disrespectful. And just because I have boundaries doesn't mean it never happens. What's awesome is that my personal boundaries help me determine my reactions, and also let me know that my reaction is ok because it is mine and it is within my boundary.
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty
For me, when someone doesn't show up when he says he is going to and he doesn't call to let me know he will be late, that is disrespectful (among other things). And I don't want people to treat me disrespectfully and have them expect me to accept it. That's where I find my serenity - by having firm boundaries drawn about the kind of treatment I will accept in my life.
We agreed that he would come over after he got his car stereo installed. I left for my pole dancing class assuming that he would be at my house when I got back. No set time had ever been established. When I got home from my class and he still wasnt there I called him. He did not answer. I IMMEDIATELY assumed the worse because he didnt answer his phone. Like I said before, since he has been in recovery this has NOT been an issue, he is always where he says, when he says, answers the phone, realizes the worry and respects me when I ask questions.
After about 20-30 mins of absolute frenzy (in my head) I sent him a text. He answered. I called him (needing to hear his voice) I asked him why he didnt answer his phone. He went on to say that him and his friend were installing his stereo and things went bad, they ended up breaking a pretty expensive stereo. He was frustrated. He apologized for not answering the phone said he was gonna stop at his house and then he would be over. Shortly thereafter he showed up.
I accepted his apology and understood why he didnt answer.
My point in posting was HOW I REACTED TO THIS. My state of mind. My useless worry. My realizing that I was/am still trying to control him. Sharing with you all my sincere desire to get over this issue. My sincere desire to become healthy!!!!
Not to hash out he should've, respect, etc...
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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((Cass)) - In my post, I told you I would probably always respond that way. Whether it's being a codie or being an RA and knowing how I am one stupid decision away from a relapse, I don't know. I just know that I'm one of those people that I don't think could get past thinking the worst.
So, when you are asking about why you reacted how you did and what to do about it, my response, as far as MY ES&H, would be you might be like me and not be able to get past it. Many wise and wonderful people here can and have. I'm not one of them. Maybe I'll get to that point, but I know I'm not there with my stepmom since she got arrested last Dec.
I wish I could tell you how to get past it, but obviously, I can't because I haven't gotten there myself.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
So, when you are asking about why you reacted how you did and what to do about it, my response, as far as MY ES&H, would be you might be like me and not be able to get past it. Many wise and wonderful people here can and have. I'm not one of them. Maybe I'll get to that point, but I know I'm not there with my stepmom since she got arrested last Dec.
I wish I could tell you how to get past it, but obviously, I can't because I haven't gotten there myself.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Originally Posted by Callie
Chino,
Can I ask HOW you do this?? I've not found a way yet, other than completely removing him from my life.
Can I ask HOW you do this?? I've not found a way yet, other than completely removing him from my life.
Years ago, I realized I needed some kind of anger management with the help of a former therapist. The suggestions she gave me did nothing for me, so I started martial arts. The thought of beating the crap out of a bag really spoke to me and, more importantly, everything I heard from others was that martial arts taught self control. Boy does it ever, and its because you do constant repetitions under the ever watchful eye of your Sensei. You work on the same movement over and over and over and over again until you get it perfect. As you progress, you continue repeating the basics to keep them perfect while incorporating new steps.
When the time comes to work one on one with others (sparring) self control is imperative or you could really hurt someone. If we/our partners didn't have self control or lost it, we were taught to politely step back, bow out and walk away. Go work on a bag or practice katas by ourselves. If we lacked the self control to do that, our Sensei intervened and sometimes there were unpleasant consequences. If a student refused to get with the program, they were expelled permanently. Trust is essential.
There are no shortcuts in martial arts and you have to really want it, whatever 'it' is for the individual.
It's the same thing I do now for my recovery; it's constant repetition. The first step is admitting I'm powerless over whatever, whomever. I give all my frustration and anger to God at the same time I'm pedaling on my stationary bike; pounding the pavement; folding a load of laundry; sorting through the stacks on my desk. My Creator has heard me say some terrible things but also hears me asking for a return to serenity. I stay away from whomever/whatever until it returns while maintaining exclusive contact with God. These days it returns a lot faster. It's a matter of minutes compared to years, months, weeks, days, in the past. BUT... if an external force continues to compromise me, I ask for the strength to remove it from my life for my well being.
Sorry this was so long Callie, but it's been a long process and it's ongoing. Trust me, it was a lot longer on the first draft lol!
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Cass, unless you've turned into the dalai lama overnight, you will still have 'reactions'. It's simply ok.
I wish you would not overthink how you 'feel'....
Reaction that is 'crazy' is one thing... --- did you go driving all over the place looking for him?
Did you scream like a mad-woman when he called?
Did you check his cell-phone when you saw him?
All of those things are crazy-controlling- codieish behavior.
Being upset, worrying, or feeling like you are going from 0-60 in a min, are just reactions.
Let yourself 'feel'. It's really ok to feel.
The more you push yourself into thinking that you have to NOT react, and NOT feel, to things that affect you, the more you are harming yourself. YOU have to recognize what YOU have been through. Altough the past is the past there are solid REASONS you feel the way you do.
It dosen't matter if it is about your rabf, or anyone else. You are a human being, you can and WILL have feelings about the way people handle things, etc.
instead of focusing on letting go of expecations of everyone else..... WHY NOT LET GO OF EXPECTATIONS YOU PUT ON YOU???????
Relax my dear.
You really are fine.
Perhaps just some over-thinking.........
Love,
Cess
I wish you would not overthink how you 'feel'....
Reaction that is 'crazy' is one thing... --- did you go driving all over the place looking for him?
Did you scream like a mad-woman when he called?
Did you check his cell-phone when you saw him?
All of those things are crazy-controlling- codieish behavior.
Being upset, worrying, or feeling like you are going from 0-60 in a min, are just reactions.
Let yourself 'feel'. It's really ok to feel.
The more you push yourself into thinking that you have to NOT react, and NOT feel, to things that affect you, the more you are harming yourself. YOU have to recognize what YOU have been through. Altough the past is the past there are solid REASONS you feel the way you do.
It dosen't matter if it is about your rabf, or anyone else. You are a human being, you can and WILL have feelings about the way people handle things, etc.
instead of focusing on letting go of expecations of everyone else..... WHY NOT LET GO OF EXPECTATIONS YOU PUT ON YOU???????
Relax my dear.
You really are fine.
Perhaps just some over-thinking.........
Love,
Cess
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Location: Seattle, WA
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I'm not focusing on your BFs behavior, Cass. I'm focusing on my behaviors and what I do when someone violates my boundaries (one of which is not calling and letting me know you are going to be late or that you aren't showing up - my ex was notorious for that).
My form of self control is my boundaries. They give me a road map to my life. They let me know what kinds of behavior is acceptable to me and how I will respond when someones behavior isn't acceptable to me. They help me achieve self control so I don't focus on controlling other people's behavior. Instead I focus on controlling my behavior.
Perhaps my experience and what I do isn't helpful on your thread. It just seemed related but I guess not.
My form of self control is my boundaries. They give me a road map to my life. They let me know what kinds of behavior is acceptable to me and how I will respond when someones behavior isn't acceptable to me. They help me achieve self control so I don't focus on controlling other people's behavior. Instead I focus on controlling my behavior.
Perhaps my experience and what I do isn't helpful on your thread. It just seemed related but I guess not.
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Cass - No disrespect here, but your RABF was a drug addict. I'd find it virtually impossible to ever trust him or not go into a codie frenzy without a long period of earning that trust/respect/dependability back. He's fresh out of addiction, right? Things will not go back to the way they 'were' before his addiction without him PROVING that he's worthy of it IMHO.
If I were in your exact sitch with my RAH, I would be FIRED up. If I were in that exact sitch with anyone else in my life (non drug addicts) I might be a tad upset, or even ticked or worried. If I call my mom and she doesn't answer, I leave a msg and know that she'll always get back with me. I left a msg with a friend on Thursday. She always calls right back. Didn't call on Fri, Sat or today. I got a little concerned that something happened or that she didn't receive my msg, so I called her again tonight. She said, yes, I got your msg. Sorry, busy weekend etc. No problem, end of story. With my RAH though if he did this EVEN when he wasn't living in my house last year I would be in a panic mode within a few hours of not hearing from him.
IMHO I think you're expecting too much this early on in both of your recoveries. It's not like he forgot to take out the trash or didn't make it to work or forgot to call. He was a DRUG ADDICT. I don't know about you, but MY drug addict did awful things. Things that I cannot move past until he proves himself. Until that happens, I think it's a natural instinct to be 'on guard' or fearful or whatever.
Hope this didn't come across as harsh?? That was not my intention Cass.
If I were in your exact sitch with my RAH, I would be FIRED up. If I were in that exact sitch with anyone else in my life (non drug addicts) I might be a tad upset, or even ticked or worried. If I call my mom and she doesn't answer, I leave a msg and know that she'll always get back with me. I left a msg with a friend on Thursday. She always calls right back. Didn't call on Fri, Sat or today. I got a little concerned that something happened or that she didn't receive my msg, so I called her again tonight. She said, yes, I got your msg. Sorry, busy weekend etc. No problem, end of story. With my RAH though if he did this EVEN when he wasn't living in my house last year I would be in a panic mode within a few hours of not hearing from him.
IMHO I think you're expecting too much this early on in both of your recoveries. It's not like he forgot to take out the trash or didn't make it to work or forgot to call. He was a DRUG ADDICT. I don't know about you, but MY drug addict did awful things. Things that I cannot move past until he proves himself. Until that happens, I think it's a natural instinct to be 'on guard' or fearful or whatever.
Hope this didn't come across as harsh?? That was not my intention Cass.
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Bless your heart Cass. How you or any of you are doing this - working 2 recoveries together- is beyond me. It takes so much self control to stay in the present and not allow the past to play a part - or represent - thing is.... what's the saying? "History repeats itself." ??? So - it's all so very natural to get wired up when *expectations* are not met. Standard courteous behavior overlooked or not treated with respect (considering past situations/behavior) would wind up the best of the best.
Chino, thank you for your post. It does take some form of cognitive learning to move past the past and keep awareness in the present. It's all about habit. For so long our habits were in full fledge codie sickness... pulling out of that habit and forming a new one DOES take some time.... and it's a life style change.
My *x* and I did the no contact thing for awhile; however, now we are in contact. We speak quite a lot now, but there is much distance. Anywho - he didn't call me on Friday night or respond to my text. I didn't call or text him ... I didn't know what to think or feel - the longer it went on, the more grateful I was because I didn't know how to deal when he did call and/or did I even want to answer his call? He does call me the next evening (last night, actually) and says... "it's weird going that long not talking"... and I responded saying "Yes... you really dropped the ball on staying in contact" - He immediately went on the defense giving many reasons why and why and why and so forth. THEN had the audacity to say... "How did I earn this where if I don't call the worst is assumed?" I asked him to answer that himself. Unbelievable. So... my point is... even a couple thousand miles away and broken up - there can be a codie frenzy. Although - on my part - I'm really proud of myself for not getting into a frenzy. In fact, I'm quite grateful that I don't have to talk with him when he is totally annoying me. That is what it is...... an inconvenience ... an annoyance. I don't have time for these kind of worries/inconveniences. If we were still together and I was dealing with it- I know for a fact there is no way I'd have my sanity. Not when these bumps/slips happen.
Cass... give yourself a break. For so long now - you have learned to not trust your intuition. you are now learning what the difference is in your abdominal region. Is it 'codie frenzy'/control or is it 'intuition'? In the end, it's what you do with all of this... like Cessy says... in regards to checking his cell phone or snooping etc etc...... you LET IT GO ...... and that is to be applauded.
Time is the answer and it sounds to me that you two have a really good line of communication. The two of you could possibly laugh about this. (when he's over the broken stereo part)
Thank you for coming here and posting this thread - it's been very helpful.
(((hugs)))
xoxoxo
Chino, thank you for your post. It does take some form of cognitive learning to move past the past and keep awareness in the present. It's all about habit. For so long our habits were in full fledge codie sickness... pulling out of that habit and forming a new one DOES take some time.... and it's a life style change.
My *x* and I did the no contact thing for awhile; however, now we are in contact. We speak quite a lot now, but there is much distance. Anywho - he didn't call me on Friday night or respond to my text. I didn't call or text him ... I didn't know what to think or feel - the longer it went on, the more grateful I was because I didn't know how to deal when he did call and/or did I even want to answer his call? He does call me the next evening (last night, actually) and says... "it's weird going that long not talking"... and I responded saying "Yes... you really dropped the ball on staying in contact" - He immediately went on the defense giving many reasons why and why and why and so forth. THEN had the audacity to say... "How did I earn this where if I don't call the worst is assumed?" I asked him to answer that himself. Unbelievable. So... my point is... even a couple thousand miles away and broken up - there can be a codie frenzy. Although - on my part - I'm really proud of myself for not getting into a frenzy. In fact, I'm quite grateful that I don't have to talk with him when he is totally annoying me. That is what it is...... an inconvenience ... an annoyance. I don't have time for these kind of worries/inconveniences. If we were still together and I was dealing with it- I know for a fact there is no way I'd have my sanity. Not when these bumps/slips happen.
Cass... give yourself a break. For so long now - you have learned to not trust your intuition. you are now learning what the difference is in your abdominal region. Is it 'codie frenzy'/control or is it 'intuition'? In the end, it's what you do with all of this... like Cessy says... in regards to checking his cell phone or snooping etc etc...... you LET IT GO ...... and that is to be applauded.
Time is the answer and it sounds to me that you two have a really good line of communication. The two of you could possibly laugh about this. (when he's over the broken stereo part)
Thank you for coming here and posting this thread - it's been very helpful.
(((hugs)))
xoxoxo
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
On another level, I could never 'accept' "HIM" as he is without having a call or at least letting me know where he was...'as he is right now'. Stereo or not...he is a recovering DRUG ADDICT. He NEEDS to prove himself. IMHO
If it were my rah....Not enough proven time under his belt, not enough trust to do so. He's clean, no doubt...they test him every few days, but still, testing 'clean' is not enough for me. If he's still not carrying himself in the appropriate manner or if he's using again. "I" want to know to make decisions for my kids and I.
I don't think that I could genuinely keep enough 'distance' to just walk away if I found out if he was using again. Many of us here are CONSTANTLY on guard UNTIL we have the security to feel otherwise. Until that security is established, it's the same as if he's using in my book.
It's as if you're saying he's fine, I'm not, the problem lies with me. Cass it does, but doesn't lie with you. Just because he's recovering/recovered...whatever. Doesn't mean that he doesn't OWE it to you and your kids to prove himself. Just because he's 'ok' doesn't mean that you have to believe it or trust it. Has he proven it? Apparantly not if you're in a codie frenzy over a stereo. Believe me Cass, I'm not AGAINST you at all, but I think you're expecting more out of yourself than is possible. You can move on and take the next man in your life with a grain of salt. He doesn't stand by his word, lies, doesn't show up etc...leave. But with an addict, they're so cunning in their operation that MOST OF THE GENERAL POPULATION will buy their spew! My own 'very normal' family believed RAH's!
Again Cassandra, sorry if I'm offending you, but I sooooo know what you're feeling. I guess the diff between you and I is that I'm PO'D!!! That may not be a healthy response, but it is what it is and I'm furious for what I've believed in, trusted in, stood for etc. I'm a bit bitter as you can see, so hopefully you'll take that into consideration when you read this!!!!
If it were my rah....Not enough proven time under his belt, not enough trust to do so. He's clean, no doubt...they test him every few days, but still, testing 'clean' is not enough for me. If he's still not carrying himself in the appropriate manner or if he's using again. "I" want to know to make decisions for my kids and I.
I don't think that I could genuinely keep enough 'distance' to just walk away if I found out if he was using again. Many of us here are CONSTANTLY on guard UNTIL we have the security to feel otherwise. Until that security is established, it's the same as if he's using in my book.
It's as if you're saying he's fine, I'm not, the problem lies with me. Cass it does, but doesn't lie with you. Just because he's recovering/recovered...whatever. Doesn't mean that he doesn't OWE it to you and your kids to prove himself. Just because he's 'ok' doesn't mean that you have to believe it or trust it. Has he proven it? Apparantly not if you're in a codie frenzy over a stereo. Believe me Cass, I'm not AGAINST you at all, but I think you're expecting more out of yourself than is possible. You can move on and take the next man in your life with a grain of salt. He doesn't stand by his word, lies, doesn't show up etc...leave. But with an addict, they're so cunning in their operation that MOST OF THE GENERAL POPULATION will buy their spew! My own 'very normal' family believed RAH's!
Again Cassandra, sorry if I'm offending you, but I sooooo know what you're feeling. I guess the diff between you and I is that I'm PO'D!!! That may not be a healthy response, but it is what it is and I'm furious for what I've believed in, trusted in, stood for etc. I'm a bit bitter as you can see, so hopefully you'll take that into consideration when you read this!!!!
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty
My form of self control is my boundaries. They give me a road map to my life. They let me know what kinds of behavior is acceptable to me and how I will respond when someones behavior isn't acceptable to me. They help me achieve self control so I don't focus on controlling other people's behavior. Instead I focus on controlling my behavior.
Perhaps my experience and what I do isn't helpful on your thread. It just seemed related but I guess not.
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