Learn2Live

Ya' know, I'm fine, a little sad in general, not about anything specific, a little slow. Trying to get readjusted to East Coast time, the change in the weather, and the shortening of the days. I just need to share what's going on with me....

The cell phone. Yes, I know, I should change my number but I just don't have the energy to tell everyone the new one and why I'm changing it and blahblahblah. So, I simply blocked that crazy person from my phone. Which means it will not ring when the person calls but he can leave VMs. Yes, I listen to them; not sure why; curiosity I guess. No big deal; it doesn't send me into a tailspin or even upset me anymore. It's been over 8 months now since he relapsed and took off running, screaming "I gotta' be me!" It honestly didn't hurt much because I so enjoyed the peace after he left. I just shrugged my shoulders and went on with my life. Oh, how far I have come...

I've been no contact for quite some time now; since before I ran away from home the other week. In that timeframe, the crazy person has left me several VMs and although I know what he is trying to do (hook me back in) and why he is doing it (to get me to enable him somehow or another), I wonder if anyone else can share the crazy people's VMs they have received after going N/C? I don't return the calls; I have no desire. But for some strange reason he rarely goes more than 2 or 3 days before leaving me another message.

Here are some I've gotten in the last couple weeks:

-(Sounding all sad and needy): "Hi M. Can you please call me back?"
-"I really think it's unfair that whenever you need to talk, I'm here for you but now that I need a friend, you won't call me back."
-"I would like to have my DVDs from your place. And I think I at least deserve THAT."
-"I want you to know I'm really disappointed in you."
-"I can't believe...how sad that you ignore the heartbeat of the world."

I don't even know what that last one means. Who can even figure out what crackheads think? I sometimes want to call him and tell him to please stop calling me. But that would be a mistake, I know; because it'll only open it all back up for conversation I don't want to have.

I feel so numb but I don't know why, whether it's just me or because of these VMs or the fact that he isn't here anymore? I search but I cannot find the answer. Not sure what to do next, other than get up in the morning, shower and go to work. And come on SR and perhaps help someone with some little word......

I think I'm stuck or something. Thanks for listening.

hello-kitty

Your welcome. ;-)

Learn2Live

Kitty, I know you've heard this story already :O) so thanks for replying. I emailed you the washer/dryer.

hello-kitty

lol.

You'll be ok. I'm glad you are not taking his calls. Practice hitting delete before you listen to the messages. It may give you a freedom that you haven't felt yet.

Besides he's an addict. Unfortunately, they ALWAYS call back eventually.

BohemiMamaof3

You will feel better if you hit delete before listening! My addicted brother's craziest voice mails are the ones where he is mumbling, it's not necessarliy that he's talking too low or slurring even, it's just a kind of mumble. I don't know how else to explain it, and you can't even understand what he said. Also He is a 38 year old white boy and when he uses the slang that teenagers use, it makes us laugh. Like he calls our Mom "Moms" like they do in rap songs and other little things he says that are so not him, ya know?

URMYEVERYTHING

And, the sense of empowerment that you can go through difficult times with a different perspective.

Kitty is right... there will be a next time and a next time after that.

Learn2Live

Thanks Guys. I know this sounds stupid but I don't know HOW to delete the messages before I listen to them and with these brain and frustration issues of mine, I can't figure it out! Can anyone tell me how they do it on their phone?

Learn2Live

Thank you for sharing your story about your brother. I don't think his addictiveness is funny but your story about him made me giggle. Really needed that this morning! :ghug2

lost84

Asking for his dvd's is a way of trying to see you.. creating a reason! Telling you he is dissapointed... trying to make you feel bad. (he knows he's the one with issues) and doesnt deserve to talk to you.

Deleting VM's simple.. when you press 1 or whatever to listen you press 7 or what ever number deltes yours right after and you dont even have to listen immediatly deleted
xo
P

Freedom1990

When I started receiving some very disturbing, vile phone calls from the woman my ex-fiance left me for (back before I had caller ID), I had my phone number changed to a new unlisted number within 30 minutes. I didn't need to give anyone an explanation of why I had it changed.

I never had to deal with that again.

laurie6781

I don't know about your cell phone but I believe they are all pretty much the same.

When I go to voice mail it will say:

You have X number of new messages. First Message from xxx-xxx-xxxx.

As soon as I hear the number being given I hit 7. 7 deletes the message.

Hope that helps.

If I was getting that many VM's I would just change my number. No reason for any one to know why. Would just give the new # to those I truly trust. J M H O

Love and hugs,

hello-kitty

Yep. Just hit 7 as soon as the message starts to play. For me, it has become an automatic response. I don't even think about it any more. I just hit 7. Sometimes I have a nanosecond of regret after I do it, but like I said, it's a nanosecond of regret vs the many hours worth of regret I would have if I actually listened to the messages.

Learn2Live

OK, cognitively challenged woman here so please bear with me.

When it says "You have two messages in your mailbox, to listen press one" how do I know I am not deleting the wrong message if I don't listen to it? The voicemail lady does not say what is the phone number of the person who left the VM before I hear the VM.

hello-kitty

Press <1>. Wait until the message starts. Hit <7> to delete once you know who the message is from. You can CHOOSE to listen or NOT to listen. It's completely up to you. Or you can choose to change your phone number - which is a very wise choice if you can swing it. I chose not to change my phone number because it was a pain in the booty. But sometimes I still wish I would have, and I still might, because I run the risk of answering his call from an unknown number ever day.

We all have are reasons for doing what we do. We shouldn't torture ourselves over our choices. Other people do that for us.

Learn2Live

Thanks all for the advice and help. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to help me. I am going to try those buttons next time I get a VM.

Yes Kitty, the main reason I don't want to change my number is that I have FINALLY learned how to manage this very real disability (that a lot of people think is bunk) so that I can function in a healthy way on a daily basis. It is more beneficial for me to have everything in the same place and my life organized a certain way. I already have enough confusion and difficulty remembering and giving out my current number that I've now had for several years. I can't imagine the chaos I would create trying to forget the old number and give out the new number. And then having to remember all the people who have this number, and trying to get their numbers off my old broken phone that has all the numbers on it. See? Good Lord.

It's not so much that I'm afraid to change my number or simply am being stubborn about it; it's that changing my number is going to confuse the $hit out of me and mess up the order in my brain, which is going to have an effect on my ability to function on a daily basis FOR MONTHS. Little things "normal" people take for granted are devastating to people like me with ADHD.

Not only that, but if I change my CELL number, then he's going to start calling my HOME number, and my WORK number, and when THAT doesn't work, he's going to start driving over here! And when I refuse to open the door, he will then start driving to my parent's house and my mother's work and bothering them. And I don't want a person who smokes crack near either of my elderly parents.

I'd rather let this just run its course until he gets some other woman to enable him. I don't want to react to him in any way, other than passively. I've had enough reacting and accomodating alcoholix and addix for 40 years.

You guys are the greatest!

laurie6781

You can always go for a restraining order based on HARASSMENT. Include your work, your home, your parents home and work, etc

Once violated, call the cops and off to jail he goes.

You don't have to put up with any crap from a user, haasser, stalker, abuser, etc

J M H O

As a side note, when I was still using and abusing alcohol and drugs I would sometimes harass people and I was very vindictive of those that 'harassed' me. It wasn't until I had been in recovery for a while that I started to understand that I could use the 'legal system' to my advantage and not get in trouble. Over the years I have seen the courts become very advantageous for those being harassed, abused, stalked, etc.

Love and hugs,

Learn2Live

OMG Cynical, you are an electronics genius! Thank you! This is exactly what I need! P.S. I love your Snoopy pic.

IPT

Hey L2L - how's it going? It seems like you’re on a good path. I’m glad that you figured out how to not listen to the messages. As you know we have been having similar struggles. It seems like I am making bounds in my moving on lately. I really struggled with wanting to call her or email but resisted. I think is is paying off. It has been so long now that I have had any contact with her on any level that slowly she is just becoming a memory. I had the added benefit of moving into a new home and there are no memories of her here what-so-ever and that also helped. Keep that distance, keep moving forward and in time what is behind you becomes less and less emotional and more and more just a neutral memory. The hurt fades, thank goodness.

Learn2Live

Thanks IPT. Wow, you sound like you're doing so well. That is encouraging for me. I really appreciate your post. I hope you like your new place. Sounds wonderful. I agree it is harder when you have all the memories around you. For me, they are starting to fade, slowly. It's hard because he built so many things here that remind me of him. At least I don't cry about it anymore when I see those things. Makes me melancholy but I'll get thru it. I'm so glad that you're doing so well. Please keep in touch; I've missed seeing you here.

IPT

L2L - I AM better but still a work in progress. Part of what is making it easier for me is that it has been so long without anything I no longer expect or look for her to reach out to me. There was this small part of me that hoped she would, but a deeper part of me sort of knew a while ago that she wouldn't. Sad to totally let go, even just writing that dropped my heart some, but it is what it is.

I guess I don't blame her. She couldn't be what I wanted her to be, or what she wanted to be. If she tried, she failed...that hurt me and I complained and deepend her feeling like a failure. On top of that I do think she was deep down a caring person and did not intentionally want to hurt me. She told me several times we needed to end it because she didn't want me to be hurting...that she didn't care about herself, but that she did care about me.

I of course see that she could of done what she needed too if she really wanted it. Of course I also realize now just how hard that would have been for her. It was almost impossible for me to get to where I am and the truth is I have a lot more stability and healthy life behind me than she does. She even said something like that to me once "I think it's hard for you to understand me sometimes because you had such a healthy and supportive upbringing". Maybe sometimes even with love some gaps are just too big to be spanned making for a successful relationship? (course if she would have choosen recovery that would have helped span the gap some . That too would have brought a whole new set of issues though and continued selfishness on her part - though for necesary reasons - still I don't think I could have taken more of that after the years of neglect from her using and co-dependant family relationships.

I did hear thru the grapevine that she got a job though. Guess having 6 months off of unemployment and making it thru the summer without any responsibility was good enough for her. I could never do that, but alas, like I said we were VERY different when it came to work ethinc and monentary things (sigh)... guess we were very different in a lot of ways.

I actually told my therapist that I was tempted to send an email...show her the new place...tell her I thought "we" would be there together. He advised against it...that it would just make her feel worse about herself, that she couldn't do what she needed to do, or be good enough, and that she lost out on something amazing..again. I guess in a way that was a little codie of me...thinking, hoping, that if she just saw the "good" (the light) that was there for her she would find the courage or strength to change. It has been years...he pointed out point blank that if she had the capability or desire enough to change she would have taken steps to by now. He firmly believes that it will be a long time before she does..if ever. She takes tiny, tiny steps, and then bails out.

Anyway, hang tough, it does get better. After every down is usually an up .