anyone else been dumped or left by an addict?

Old 07-20-2009, 03:49 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Old 07-20-2009, 07:05 AM
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Thank you for your post 28days. It reminds me how people just "live in their own little box." They are having a completely different experience in your "relationship" than you are.

Originally Posted by 28Days View Post
I understand completely. I went back and forth with my addicted ex for 10 months. You do all that you can, give in, accept every f-ck up and disappointment. Hand out chances over and over. Cause you hope that maybe, MAYBE this time they get it....Each time they say things will change, you know in your heart that nothing is going to, but you still let that little chance come into your mind...

I was recently left by mine, again. We didn't speak for a month. As far as I was concerned, he was gone forever. I was okay. Ya, it still hurt, but if I kept busy it was okay. Then he showed up at my door. And I gave him an inch. I allowed him to talk to me about things. This time, in saying all the same things, he made it seem better this time. Different. Thinking back now, I'm fairly certain it was all an act. A good one at that.

He is gone again. I caught him using. But to be honest, he wasn't really back this time. I was still pretty invisible.

I know it's hard to see, but it's better this way. I thought I still loved him. I don't. The man I loved is gone. Maybe one day he will come back. Maybe. But don't wait for it. In my experience it never happens.

Keep coming back to the site, and please, PM me when you read this. I would love to actually talk with you.
Take care of yourself, and keep your head up.
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Old 07-20-2009, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by tangerinedream View Post
i was about to say "i'm not really thinking about what he's thinking" but then i reread what i wrote and that is obviously exactly what i'm thinking about. it's just that i would never do anything to anyone that is even close to as awful as some of the things he has done to me/himself, that everytime i hear the "i'm sorry" ****, i really believe that it won't happen again.

it's pretty unbelievable to me that i react to him like this too, because in general i'm not so tolerant. a lot of close friends of mine have been heroin addicts and i never would've DREAMED of letting them detox in my bed. but for some reason with him it has been different from the start.

but i'm pretty sure every girl who's ever crossed his path feels the same way. i dono. i believe in him but i'm not sure if i want to anymore.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Old 05-29-2019, 06:42 AM
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Loving and Leaving an Alcoholic

I was involved with a middle aged man who I thought was a good old country boy. He was charming and intelligent. But a couple months in I realized he was angry and drank a lot. He had just been in a relationship where he had a toddler and he dispised the mom! Later I found out he had told her to get out and he didn’t love her as he did to his ex wife. I moved in and against my better judgement believed he was the victim. At first he was kind and sweet. Giving me cards and treating me like a queen. Telling me I was amazing etc. I testified in court for him for joint custody. And his true wrath towards the mom was evident.

I cooked, cleaned, worked full time, gardened, babysat and adjusted my life and took vacation time to do that, I more than paid my way, I was trying to be all. He wanted someone who partied so I tried but I never was much of a drinker. If I showed any distaste for his drinking, stories or driving while under the influence. He was mean and fights started. He was dark! He threw lies into my face, used my past as weapons and never took on any blame. He did speak of marriage but then got really angry when it was mentioned. He told me to leave in April but then changed his mind when I told him he could go do whatever he wanted with his friends and I wouldn’t go. So he went to his sisters wedding and I was not welcomed. He also said he would go to counselling with me but each time he would get mad and ask me if I just wanted him to pay for it or what. I stayed but started preparing to leave. I continued to be all to him and his daughter. I accepted that he treated me poorly because I hang onto little nice things he did .., I started storing things in my storage unit. He told me he didn’t love me but I assumed he was just drunk. As time went on things were clear and he was telling me to leave, I don’t know why you’re full here, leave and we can still date. I tried to tell him I didn’t want to go. He was so cold. I made the decision to leave when he was away for a week. He was parting and shut his phone off and didn’t say! When he found out I moved out he didn’t show an ounce of emotion. He was flat, don’t care... good you got your stuff. Saying he doesn’t love me and I made the decision. Also saying he couldn’t get into all that was wrong with me. Etc! The only thing I did was I didn’t party well, or drink. But only once in a while when he was in his dark place things got bad. I shouldered the blame. I was emotionally abused. I tried to make him love me by being all to him. My self worth diminishing all the while. He’s 46 and has been drinking and destroying relationships for years. If you touch on his alcohol you are done! I couldn’t even communicate with him anyway about anything real. So here I am trying to get my act together. Find a place to restart my life ... trying to be ok with it because there was nothing more I could have done. The worst part is the little one always said if momma goes away I’ll miss her. He encouraged her to call me mommy. I had to leave I know but leaving her, him and the house he owns but I invested time and money into is so hard to think about. But I know things were not going to get better. He was just going to be meaner and keep telling me to go if I want to. The weird part is he always said he wants me in his life. But tells me to go. He needs to get help but I don’t think that will ever happen. It’s heartbreaking and I am having issues dealing with that he will find someone else to love and I don’t understand why.
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Old 05-29-2019, 09:45 AM
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hello EastCoastGirl1 - I'm afraid you pulled up a very old thread in this forum (2009). You might want to repost in a new thread to introduce yourself and make sure your post gets the proper attention it deserves!

welcome to SR!
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Old 05-29-2019, 11:03 AM
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Yes and please check out the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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Old 06-07-2019, 08:02 PM
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Originally Posted by lost84 View Post
Can anyone relate or share expierences in being dumped or left by an addict/alchoholic bf? Where you gave ALL your love and support into the relationship & were left feeling worthless and heartbroken. I am struggling to get through this This site helps so much!
I can totally relate to you. I just got left by alcoholic bf. He basically told me he didn't like that I didnt leave him for his bad behavior. He broke up with me last night. I got so mad I went no contact. He called today and I ignored him.
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Old 06-08-2019, 05:36 PM
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Yes, I can relate to what you’re going through. Im
sorry you’re going through this pain as well - but it’s nice to know you’re not alone.
My ex is apparently sober - he has to be as he’s on probation. I have been there for him, trying to support the best way I knew how while we/he tried to repair the pain he caused in the past. He relapsed again 3 months before he started probation and I was heartbroken - as he had supposedly been sober for a full year before this relapse. Once he sobered up, he became cold and distance. He said very little, gave much silent treatment and eventually and carelessly let me go with out much to say about it - except that we lived too far apart and that my presence wasn’t needed any longer. We’ve been through so much and I couldn’t even fathom those words that came out of his mouth. I couldn't even believe that even our friendship alone didn’t seem to mean anything to him.
I feel your pain - we’ll work through this. We deserve better!
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Old 06-08-2019, 11:45 PM
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You might find this post helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ink-about.html (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)

It's one of the posts in the Classic Reading stickies in the F&F of Alcoholics forum:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Old 06-09-2019, 07:27 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
thank you trailmix- your advice is always kind and very helpful.
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Old 08-13-2019, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by suchAsucker View Post
There was a small window in time during the beginning of my relationship with my ex-afiance where he left me, and I felt exactly as you do. And I tried "sucessfully" to get him back into my life. That was the worst thing I could have done to myself..

As God is my witness, if I had major magic that would allow me to go back in time to that moment and spare myself the 2.5 years of the CRAP that I endured trying to save the relationship, I would give almost anything to do it.

The best thing to realize is DO NOT take the behaviors of an addict personally, nor consider it a reflection of who you are or what you did (or didn't do). Do not base your self-worth or self-esteem upon their sobriety (or lack thereof).

Please move on while you can rather than get sucked in deeper... And, if you want to know what the "future holds" for you if you stay in it, here's a simulation you can do:

Build a bonfire, throw $10,000-$20,000 (at least) in it, forget to take care of yourself for 7 days (stay up all night worrying about random things and organizing your kitchen for at least 1 nite), and neglect all personal and professional commitments that do not relate to whatever is important and directly related to "his needs". Do this and you will have a small idea of all the great times your future holds for you by keeping him around.

Just my two cents...
Your two cents have been the most valuable ever
just got dumped and this is what I needed
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Old 08-13-2019, 12:10 PM
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I can’t stop re-reading this!!!!!! Thank you
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Old 08-21-2019, 12:31 PM
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Unfortunately (for me anyways) I have been left by the same heroine addict TWICE now (high school sweetheart)... first time when he initially went away to rehab, came back two years later (thought he was clean, was not) won me back over got clean and we were wonderful for about a year, And now he left me again...

sad part is it seems to be when he’s doing ok, or at least when he appears to be... I feel so foolish this time but my heart knows right now I’d probably take him right back 🤦🏼*♀️
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Old 09-02-2019, 11:25 PM
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Eastcoastgirl, you sound like my EXAHs enabler..

Originally Posted by Eastcoastgirl1 View Post
I was involved with a middle aged man who I thought was a good old country boy. He was charming and intelligent. But a couple months in I realized he was angry and drank a lot. He had just been in a relationship where he had a toddler and he dispised the mom! Later I found out he had told her to get out and he didn’t love her as he did to his ex wife. I moved in and against my better judgement believed he was the victim. At first he was kind and sweet. Giving me cards and treating me like a queen. Telling me I was amazing etc. I testified in court for him for joint custody. And his true wrath towards the mom was evident.

I cooked, cleaned, worked full time, gardened, babysat and adjusted my life and took vacation time to do that, I more than paid my way, I was trying to be all. He wanted someone who partied so I tried but I never was much of a drinker. If I showed any distaste for his drinking, stories or driving while under the influence. He was mean and fights started. He was dark! He threw lies into my face, used my past as weapons and never took on any blame. He did speak of marriage but then got really angry when it was mentioned. He told me to leave in April but then changed his mind when I told him he could go do whatever he wanted with his friends and I wouldn’t go. So he went to his sisters wedding and I was not welcomed. He also said he would go to counselling with me but each time he would get mad and ask me if I just wanted him to pay for it or what. I stayed but started preparing to leave. I continued to be all to him and his daughter. I accepted that he treated me poorly because I hang onto little nice things he did .., I started storing things in my storage unit. He told me he didn’t love me but I assumed he was just drunk. As time went on things were clear and he was telling me to leave, I don’t know why you’re full here, leave and we can still date. I tried to tell him I didn’t want to go. He was so cold. I made the decision to leave when he was away for a week. He was parting and shut his phone off and didn’t say! When he found out I moved out he didn’t show an ounce of emotion. He was flat, don’t care... good you got your stuff. Saying he doesn’t love me and I made the decision. Also saying he couldn’t get into all that was wrong with me. Etc! The only thing I did was I didn’t party well, or drink. But only once in a while when he was in his dark place things got bad. I shouldered the blame. I was emotionally abused. I tried to make him love me by being all to him. My self worth diminishing all the while. He’s 46 and has been drinking and destroying relationships for years. If you touch on his alcohol you are done! I couldn’t even communicate with him anyway about anything real. So here I am trying to get my act together. Find a place to restart my life ... trying to be ok with it because there was nothing more I could have done. The worst part is the little one always said if momma goes away I’ll miss her. He encouraged her to call me mommy. I had to leave I know but leaving her, him and the house he owns but I invested time and money into is so hard to think about. But I know things were not going to get better. He was just going to be meaner and keep telling me to go if I want to. The weird part is he always said he wants me in his life. But tells me to go. He needs to get help but I don’t think that will ever happen. It’s heartbreaking and I am having issues dealing with that he will find someone else to love and I don’t understand why.
Sorry, I know you were responding to an old post but your situation is near identical to my current one. EXAH hooks up with enabler almost immediately after I had him removed by police. He does the whole AA thing, plays the victim.. I went too far.. My history with an aggressive father triggered me to over react. (I still giggle at that one). Enabler falls for it hook, line and sinker. Just to keep her really keen he buys a romantic holiday for them both.. Right around the time he gets her to write up an affidavit she'll tell the courts if he's skipping AA, drinking again. Fast forward a few months. He's relapsed, no more AA. He's actively drinking, they're drink buddies. I used to be so angry with this chick cos her stupid affidavit got my EXAH access to the kids... What a dumbass.

But now.. I'm honestly worried for her. I hate my EXAH even more that he's dragged another person into his mess. I could not live with this man, never knowing who was coming home to me, was I going to have to hide the car keys again, would I get shoved around again. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. Sometimes there's a reason why the ex wife is an ex wife...

You were being used... Sorry. I'm so glad you got away. I'm so glad you didn't get married, have kids and become trapped. You're free. Celebrate!!!
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Old 09-04-2019, 05:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Milano58 View Post
Sorry, I know you were responding to an old post but your situation is near identical to my current one. EXAH hooks up with enabler almost immediately after I had him removed by police. He does the whole AA thing, plays the victim.. I went too far.. My history with an aggressive father triggered me to over react. (I still giggle at that one). Enabler falls for it hook, line and sinker. Just to keep her really keen he buys a romantic holiday for them both.. Right around the time he gets her to write up an affidavit she'll tell the courts if he's skipping AA, drinking again. Fast forward a few months. He's relapsed, no more AA. He's actively drinking, they're drink buddies. I used to be so angry with this chick cos her stupid affidavit got my EXAH access to the kids... What a dumbass.

But now.. I'm honestly worried for her. I hate my EXAH even more that he's dragged another person into his mess. I could not live with this man, never knowing who was coming home to me, was I going to have to hide the car keys again, would I get shoved around again. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. Sometimes there's a reason why the ex wife is an ex wife...

You were being used... Sorry. I'm so glad you got away. I'm so glad you didn't get married, have kids and become trapped. You're free. Celebrate!!!
my heart breaks to read both of your stories! I am 25 but have been on the same roller coaster with my ex for TEN years...he’s a heroin addict... it came out 6 years in, he left me when he went to rehab... came back 1.5 years later and things were wonderful for two more years... until he decided he wanted to drink (at the very least, I have reasons to believe he’s slipping even more backwards) and be out at the bar until 2/3 in the morning every week... he has now left me again AND has a new girlfriend immediately, within 6 weeks it was public knowledge but I saw them out within two weeks...he was cold nasty mean with any interaction we had after he left me.... he lives 1500 miles away, came home for my birthday and did not see me for three days, chose a party instead and told me it was because of how mad I was (that he chose not to see me) then went home and broke it off, hasn’t said a nice thing to me since expect that he will always love me

Being removed for going on 2 months now...I can see now he was throwing any of my actions in my face to justify his choices, for many weeks I would react when I saw something that was disrespectful to me and our relationship, however one day I swallowed that pride and didn’t answer his negative response, few days later he put his relationship on fbook, I did not react, and I believe he would be shocked by that however I am going on over two weeks since I’ve said a word to him..

stay strong, I remember being on here 3/4 years ago and thinking “no way my addict is different”, and thinking that sticking it out would be the way to go, so when my addict came back I did just that... and it all came full circle... I have tried to educate myself on addiction for close to 5 years now and their actions still blow my mind
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Old 10-05-2019, 11:06 AM
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I feel your pain

Originally Posted by lost84 View Post
Can anyone relate or share expierences in being dumped or left by an addict/alchoholic bf? Where you gave ALL your love and support into the relationship & were left feeling worthless and heartbroken. I am struggling to get through this This site helps so much!

Hi. I just joined the forum and also struggling w that loss. I just posted my story today.

im sorry you are going through this. I don’t think our friends w “normal” relationship get the pain and confusion we feel.

i thought I did all I could and he even said I was the ideal partner but he just can’t be in a relationship right now. He used the analogy of him being the rotten foundation as I’m asking him to help me build on our relationship. He used the example of the pipes are crakes and busted pluming and trying to build on top of the that before fixing the current issues...

its so so hard because just like me, I bet you loved your person and would have been patient and walked the journey w them.

i don’t get it either. It’s day 2 for me and I’m still a mess, but I feel for you. All the best
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Old 10-09-2019, 09:47 AM
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My alcoholic ex dumped me, but he ended up doing me favor by doing that.

I had checked out of the relationship months before he dumped me anyway, so I guess in a way I dumped him?
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