Abundance

Stick a fork in me........ I'm SO DONE!!!!!!!

All of this therapy..... (which he thinks is what hurts "us")...... has made me go from assessing my internal pain to realizing that it's a reaction from all of the external dysfunction. I struggled SO MUCH with just accepting that he is not who I thought he was..... and accepting him for what I hoped he would be~! The truth is that I don't have control over anyone, but myself.... and if he is making me this un-happy.... then sure I have to look at that. And fix that. And I have been - but it's like I'm going up stream while the water is going down-stream..... if that makes sense? I can only fight for us and do so much. I am finally okay with the fact that I am unable to accept this situation and that instead being a victim IN it...... I can choose to be OUT of it!

I wasn't quite at this spot until I listened in on a phone conversation of his last night. On his last travel... he hooked up with a "cute little red head" on Cinco De Mayo..... on an AIRPLANE!!!!!!! Lavatory! Need I say more!

Anyway...... it's not even about drugs anymore. It's the LACK of true recovery from the very get go....... and you know what? IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM! He can be stone sober and still be a closed off... non - feeling.... individual. I TRULY feel that I gave it my ALL..... and I'm SO WELL DONE! Like a piece of meat..... I'm not rare or bleeding....... I'm all dried up and DONE!

SO- the boys are now with their dad.... and while I'd love to just clean my house...... I'd rather do it when he is out of here - so that I can cleanse the corners of all my rooms and rid the negativity ......... and START LIVING how I WANT and NEED to live!!!!!!!

itisatruth

((((Abundance))))

I'm so sorry to read this after everything....just know I'm thinking of you! And I mean I'm sorry HE chose to do this but glad that you can make a choice you feel is right for you!

suki44883

Good for you! Get MAD!! Punch pillows! Throw pillows! Scream into pillows! That's why God created PILLOWS!!!! ((((HUGS))))

Freedom1990

I wondered when you were going to reach your limit, hon. Please know that you have much support here! :ghug :ghug

Callie

Abs, I'm sorry for you, but at the same time so happy for you. Now that you're rid of the toxicity from your life, happiness is bound to follow.

Ann

And you CAN, because I do believe you just reclaimed your life.

That's not to say you won't have some sad days, some days of wishing for "what might have been" but today you know that as sad as it is, it simply won't be more than an addict breaking your heart.

Stay strong, distract yourself when you begin to obsess (and you WILL) and get out for a walk, meet a girlfriend for lunch, and begin treating yourself like the Queen that you are...because you're worth it.

Hugs

Abundance

Thanks guys! Paleeeeeeeeeeez - don't feel sorry for me.

I have reached the point of no looking back. I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off of me.

I'm being true to myself and it feels great! Grant it - I'm not yet in my home without him....... but the truth is - I've been WITHOUT him for months now.........even though we were sharing a bed.

Gradually it's been going from bad to worse...... and last night just sealed the deal.

I've been waiting and wondering when I would be DONE...... and I've hit it!

In fact..... my last words to him was requesting that he leave before Sunday! In the end, I had to leave the house because I can't be around him - there is nothing more to say.

The next hurdle is going to be talking with the boys.

Impurrfect

(((Abs)))

Good for you, sweetie!! I'm so glad you've finally gotten to the point where you realize that you are worth so much more than what he's willing or able to give. Life and love with a partner is supposed to have more good than bad, and you shouldn't have to beg or manipulate to get a few scraps of good treatment, the way most of us do with an A.

The boys will be fine, as will you. Your house will be calmer (well, maybe not as much, since you have boys!). As Ann says, treat yourself as the queen that you are...you deserve it!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

marle

Sending prayers for you and your boys. Hugs, Marle

lightseeker

Abs -

You've turned over every stone that you could in this situation and you can walk away with the assurance of that. You are choosing yourself and that is awesome. It reminds me of the slogan "surrender to win". All of your hard work and counselling has given you the insight and ability to get angry over this instead of devastated. These horrible behaviors of his are about him and not you! I definitely don't feel sorry for you - I'm just glad that you've taken this experience and learned whatever it is that you need to learn. I know that all my boys really want is for me to be "okay" and I bet yours are the same way. I always worry about what I'm modeling to them with relationships.....no relationship modeling is better than "bad". Can you imagine either of your boys ever treating their partner this way? ICK! I would hog tie them! So good for you and for them. I know the conversation with them might be difficult but eventually all of this will be behind you and the wonderful wisdom and self-worth that you have will just open up your life!

I'm happy for you but I also understand that the details of all this can wear you down. I'm thinking about you and sending good thoughts and prayers!

Donna

Teggie

Congratulations for choosing yourself & your kiddos first.

When I made that decision pure anger carried me mostly through those few first days. I was royally pissed off and that anger was good to get me through the initial few days.

After a few days and seeing what was unfolding for him because of his addiction and with being the sole person here in the home to handle everything with the house & the kids I began to feel sorry for what he was going through and felt sorry for myself that I feel like I am resigned to just never really be happy.

Thats when I sat down and made a list of everything that led to our breakup. The lies, pawning his stuff, the stoned behaviour etc etc. Everytime I feel gullible I read that list to remind me. And it keeps me strong and focused. And I tapped into my support system, mainly my mom, for emoitional support.

I am also making my alanon meetings. And doing my readings. I only really feel bad a few hours in the am and a few hours in the pm.

If you try hard enough, you'll get there.

Best wishes,
Teggie

cessy68

Abundance,
I'm glad that you are o.k., through this difficult time. Its amazeing when the light bulb momnt arises-- we all have our own breaking point.

I don't know why, but I always said if my abf cheated, then I'd be DONE, it's almost as is we don't have to feel 'bad' anymore, if they do that. It somehow gives us the justification to 'walk' away on the sick 'poor baby' that we made them out to be.

I'm glad, in a twisted sense, that he was this big of an IDIOT, and his concequences will be being without you, because now maybe YOU can be happy, and not feel 'guilt' or any of those othe things that happen when we leave an addict.

Lots of hugs to you,
Love,
Cessy

whereami

There is an awesome book called "Help, I'm living with a boy" by Betty McLellan. It brings to light all the behaviors we allow to go on. With emotional immaturity and addiction in the mix, it is no wonder why we go crazy with these situations. It also shows you why you should not stay in situations that will drive you crazy just to be with a guy. Oh and it also mentions how to find a mature and responsible one...just a thought...

Abundance

Spoke to his dad and his parents are still coming tomorrow. Apparently - his dad and him will be driving back together. So that makes sense why he is waiting to leave until then.

I'm home right now- just doing some tidying up..... and observing him packing everything up.

I'm trying very hard to not 'listen' to much of what he says... and/or letting it get to me.

I am about a month shy of it being 3 years of my life that I will never get back..... years of upset, trust issues, drug use, lies, and now infidelity. I must have been waiting on a miracle.

But as Ann said..... I have reclaimed my life back.

Thank you all for your support.

xoxoxo

Abundance

Thank you Tess.........

I do have to get out of here...... it's too hard being around him. He says that he isn't going with his folks tomorrow..... and that his parents will be very shocked. He is only packing a few things.... and is going North - that is all. He says that he is giving a lot of things away to Good Will..... and is also leaving some things here.

I have to be away from him because it brings back those feelings that I'm not good enough.... and that I never was. WHICH IS NOT RIGHT! I have to remind myself that it's NOT ABOUT what he is thinking.... it's about what I AM THINKING! And I am thinking that I did turn over every stone...... I tried so damn hard to make this work.... but there were so many lies..... so many lies that it made ME not trust myself! The lies made me feel that I was a bad person and not "cool enough" to be honest with. That is such messed up thinking. I knew/know that I am a good person and that I deserve so much more - yet I would have this inner battle of possibly thinking that I wasn't good enough because I wasn't enough for him. And that he just felt that he was doing "the right thing" by staying with me. His words and his actions hardly ever were the same. His words he spoke to me were different than the words he spoke with friends. How he felt... etc.

I have to stay in MY SPACE...... not go into his..... and think about his pain - his hurt - I have control over my thoughts.... and I choose me!

So yeah---- I shouldn't be here. He says he will be out of here in 4 hours - maybe sooner.

I can clean after he leaves!

Abundance

And yeah...... it's so very painful.

Please help me stay strong.

itisatruth

I know anger's not supposed to be the healthiest of emotions...and you are dealing with lots of emotions.....but any way you can use that anger you had yesterday to channel your energy into doing some really nice things for yourself?? What can you do for Abundance right now to get your mind off him? What can you do this week??

Don't make me stick that fork in you!!!

HUGS!

Abundance

it's drawing near.

I didn't leave the house ... like a magnet - I was drawn.
He is about 75% finished with packing as he decided to load everything in the end.

The ice was broken and we have been talking here and there. I get over my anger quickly. I rationalize myself out of it.... if you can believe that one. :::insert sarcasm here:::

It's really been an intense day - lots of tears and laughter. We will catch each other and it's like the real "us".... we are BACK! But then we both will say that it will just go away just like it always has.... until something new comes up. And then another "it's over convo".

There is no begging or pleading.... we have accepted that we just can't keep going on like this.

It is painful - but - it's okay for me to feel this pain - please grant me the strength to have control over my thinking.

And while he is comforting me tonight..... i have to remember that it is the pain he inflicted is the reason of why I even need comforting to begin with.

Going to sleep in late tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to the week to come. I recognize that this is going to be a full on painful detox.

Abundance

On Tuesday - I have my 3 hour therapy/workshop on anxiety and depression.

This week she wanted me to write about the pattern of our cycles from bad to good/good to bad. Never mind writing it.... I'm living it! But this time we are ending it! I have to say "we" because finally we are agreeing on something. I'll tell ya..... it's wonderful - we accept that our hearts say yes - but our minds say no. So far the heart thing didn't get us anywhere - lets give our heads a try!!! But it's also painful.... so this week.... I'm going to be going through my detox. But will be also trying to do things too. I gotta get excited for me again!!!!!!

Anyone have any ideas what I say to the boys?

Callie

Abs - I so understand every word you're writing. Your hearts say yes, but your mind says no. I so understand how hard this is - especially now that you both agree that it should end. That throws guilt and what if into the mix and that's what pulls us in again and again for more of the same. I hope you can stay strong and follow this through girl.

As far as the boys - I think they need to know that the decision is mutual and that none of this is their fault. The R just didn't work out in the end. I also think that you need to reassure them that you'll all be fine and that you can live a happy life. One thing that my two felt when I sat them down and told them about AH was that their life was 'doomed' in a sense. (not their words, mine) They felt as though they could never be happy or have a normal life. As if this cloud was over them. I reassured them that their daddy loves them and always will and just because things didn't work out exactly as planned, we would still be ok and happy. I also said something along the lines of when we feel knocked down, we need to pick ourselves up and put one foot in front of the other and not be defeated.

I feel for you, I know how traumatic things seem/feel right now. Hugs to you girl.