Abundance

Thank you Callie.

Because we are doing so much talking.... and yes- the 'what if's' are a real so and so. But a lot of people know that this is really the end - so there is no going back w/out freaking a lot of people out. Also - he said he can't see me crying in the middle of the night anymore - especially when he knows it is because I am hurting and allowing myself to be hurt all in the name of "love".

Anyway - love shouldn't be THIS painful. Ya know?

He is really down on himself and is kicking himself for not giving me what I needed/wanted -because with me - he feels it should have been easy. Per me being so forgiving, easy going, kind, and loving - you name it. It's true. I know that about myself - I'm glad he knows it too. It helps me that he is able to recognize it for what it is - and that I do have so much to offer - he just couldn't stand up to the plate. That has nothing to do with me - that is his issue. The issue I have to work on now - is why I would allow myself to be knocked down so much and still put up with it. That is my issue!

Okay - well... we are up and moving. Going to take a shower and get going on the house cleaning. He burned me a lot of stuff on DVD last night- things we enjoyed watching together. I am also going to get music off his computer and then copy over "our" pictures to his computer from mine.

I'd like the boys to think - at first - that he is going back home with his parents because of family/work reasons. And then I can tell them later that we have just decided to be friends. Who knows- maybe we will stay in touch - I do want the boys to be able to stay in touch with him.
I'm not ready to let the boys know that it's totally and completely over. I don't feel strong enough to show them a brave face. I know this goes against all the honesty and truth I speak - but I'm just not ready to go there with the boys. Their father agrees this would be the best too - that way they are not caught up in my drama. And when I'm out of my drama - I will be there for them when they are needing me. Does that make sense?

Abundance

I keep going back and forth between mourning and feeling angry at him or feeling angry with me for knowing the difference and not making the right choices.

I am also going back and forth on what to tell the children. Because when he leaves he is leaving to never turn around again. Which I'm glad he is finally giving in to being true to himself - but I can't lie and say that doesn't hurt. It does hurt....... it hurts that I tried so long to be with him and make it work - when in the back of his mind the entire time he was "wondering if this is what he really wants". Sure - he tells me that isn't the case..... but of course it is..... for whatever reason.

See.... now I'm starting to get mad again.

I think that when he is gone I will have an easier time to pull myself together and be able to think just of myself. Right now, I have so much anxiety.

We have not been intimate..... and that is a good thing because I think I would be hurting much more.

Not to mention... he is a class A liar to himself and to me...... and no matter how much he tells me I didn't hear what I heard on that phone call..... I DID. And it's no good even discussing it with him.....

My advice to him was in the future don't get wrapped up with single mothers.....mmmmmmmmm k? But more importantly I like the advice that was given to me - to not get so wrapped up with a guy I meet in a party - fun like atmosphere. Because of course it's going to be good in the beginning - it's ALL FUN!!!!!! NO WORRIES!

Okay..... back to house cleaning.....

xoxo

itisatruth

Got an ipod?? Put it on and turn it up so you don't have to listen to any more lies. You deserve more than that!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrZwGGKGkuU .....or whatever song will get you fired up or help you get through this.

Abundance, I know how much you have put into this relationship - and I don't like to hear you hurting - but you will get through this and come out stronger. You are almost there.

As far as the boys....you had a plan and even discussed it with your ex.....stick with it. You can change your mind about it later, but right now, you don't need to worry about any more than you already are.

xoxo

Callie

Abs - I agree - put on the headphones - I can hear you getting sucked back in already. I speak from experience. Put the headphones on!!

Suspicious

I dread that as well. Unlike you tho I know that it is coming and I have been trying to prepare myself. The one thing I keep telling myself is that even tho I know they will not understand I KNOW that I am only trying to make sure they have a stable home life and I will continue to protect them even when they dont know they need the protection.

Callie

How are you doing abs?

Abundance

He left yesterday at around 2pm. I know that he met up with his parents and I'm not sure what he is going to do. I thought we would still be able to be friends, but told him that if he contacts me and I don't respond - it's because I'm just not ready. He told me that he would try not to contact me.

After getting the boys, we drove right by my house to go to my folks for dinner. His van wasn't outside - and I'm surprised the boys didn't say anything about that! (usually they will see it gone and will ask where he is). I was a bit of a zombie at my parent's dinner party. My brother took it upon himself to talk with my oldest... asking how things were at home. My 10 y.o. said that my guy has been working a lot. So my bro told him that he had heard that he was going to the mid west for work and that my son is to be the man of the house for awhile. W T F ???????????? I couldn't believe that my brother went and did that. UGH! He thought he was helping because he didn't want this knowledge (fake knowledge) coming from a place of emotion - from me. I guess he also knows that I get all nervous and shaky when I lie. But anyway... it still was not cool.

On our way home (which is 5 houses away) - I told the boys that my guy had gone out of town with his father and had to leave for work - took his van and a lot of his stuff because he was going to be gone for awhile. They were concerned if he was going to be back for my son's bday in July and then were sad that he didn't say goodbye. I told them that he had to leave before it got to be too dark. My oldest said.. "aaah well that makes sense". Sigh. Then my youngest couldn't fall asleep - he misses him - he is such a nice person - he loves him... yada yada yada... when is he coming home? Will we see his parents?" I ended up just bringing my youngest into bed with me.

This morning my oldest recognized that all of my guys stuff is gone. He did take EVERYTHING~!

I'm going to have to just come clean..... I'm so annoyed that I did it this way. Way cowardly.

I was just hoping that I could show the boys how great it is just with the 3 of us and then when I tell them he isn't returning - they won't be too upset. Flipping heck - that was probably not the smartest. I took advice from everyone else and didn't trust my own. I think that everyone is worried that we will be back together again and if that happens then it messes them up even more. By using the work thing- it buys me time to really see what I end up doing... sticking with this or not.

On a side note.... this past week (except over this past weekend) - I've had my niece with us. She is 6 years old and 2 months ago - she was removed from her mother via CPS - and is now with her father. We haven't seen her since she was 3. She has grown up in an addiction life style. The boys have really been taken by her - in a bad way. They think she is a liar and that she is using the fact that she had a foster mom and was in a receiving home for nearly 2 months as a way to not get into trouble. So - this past week - I was putting out lots and lots of fires. She would tattle on the boys - and in our house if you tattle then YOU all get in trouble! Well - because of her situation - I was a little lenient with that rule..... and my youngest started getting really upset with himself - because he felt that he couldn't trust himself and that people weren't trusting him - because of all her lies!!!!!!!

Yeah ..... so that was going on this past week too. And today is the last day of having my niece.

She also was able to very much pick up on the drama the last few days with my guy and I. And that was a reality check for me. All this time - I thought I was hiding so much of this from my boys- and then this little girl who hardly knows me, but DOES know the drug scene - picked up on some vibes.


Phew....... sorry - I know that was a lot of detail.

I've got some major house cleaning .... internally and externally to do.

Abundance

AND....... I might as well come clean with you all about something else.

My guy started taking ritalin back in February via RX from his doctor. He had 3 doctors.
1. Subutex - psychiatrist
2. Welbutrin - from a doctor the psychiatrist referred him to.
3. Depakote, Prozac, and Ritalin from another doctor.

He had the Welbutrin doctor because the other doctor refused to give him it.

Well... in February - he was on the ritalin w/out telling me. (I found out - freaked out). This goes on until April...... the lying of taking ritalin.
He was taking 1 months supply over 10 days. By May, he kept getting the script increased.... and now he was talking with me about it. So - I went along with it - figuring that at least he has open dialogue with his doctor. (although this doc didn't know about the subs).

So... for this last month..... I have seen him so whacked out of his mind because of all these RX's of ritalin! I was good in my codieness.... by not counting.... and leaving the drugs out of it. JUST FOCUSED ON THE BEHAVIOR! I did it un-consciously - because I didn't want to get de-railed into this whole addiction thing. I didn't want addiction to be the cause of our problems...... because then I brain wash myself thinking that IF the drugs are not there - then that means it wouldn't be like this. And so then - I just focus on him getting off the drugs and not how I am feeling from the behavior.

I'm sorry you guys for not telling you the truth about it. I guess it was my denial.... but not really - because that crazy thinking got me out of it. I would, however, get taken back into the addiction part of things when I caught him twice snorting it!!!!!! Then I would have to try so darn hard to not look and see if he is snorting it every day. On about 5 occassions I would find evidence - but I just let it go. However, last week (before i heard the phone call) - I found more evidence and i called him out on it.

So.... really - he just right back into the grips of addiction. It was good that he was talking about it with me..... and would flip flop about not taking it anymore...etc. I guess he was thinking I would be glad or something. but I told that only makes me think that he is just going to lie about it .... and to just do what he is going to do. don't tell me that kind of thing. Just DO IT! (whatever it is that he is going to do).

So... yeah.... basically since rehab.... I have done a lot of growth for myself - but he never really had more than 60 days clean time.

I've never heard of anyone going to rehab for ritalin - but I'll tell ya... taken in the high doses AND snorting it.... it might as well be cocaine.

Again, I'm sorry for not disclosing it here. I guess I was just scared to hear the truth from everyone..... and I wanted to feel in control of my situation.


My need for CONTROL - I gotta work on that one.

Abundance

One of things that was hard pressing for me to make this decision is because my oldest goes to a new school in the fall for middle school.

Thanks Anvil......... honesty is the best policy.

Abundance

DRUGS = LIES

Doesn't matter if I'm not the one using - I have found myself to be the biggest liar since addiction has been a part of my life.

lightseeker

lies beget lies. I agree with Anvil that the truth will set you free. Kids are really really smart and sense what is going on. I believe that not telling them the truth is what makes for craziness. They don't need the gory details but enough to realize that what they "sense" is happening does make sense. Glad that you are going to go ahead and tell them. It sounds like not telling them might have been a possible escape hatch in case you decided to let him come back.....you caught yourself on that though! This is hard stuff but active addiction is just not a place to raise kids.

It's difficulty not to waver so just processing it here does help. There are a lot of feelings that surface and just because you feel a bunch of different ways doesn't mean that you haven't done the best thing for you and the boys.

I am proof positive that even without active using that life with someone that is sober can be extremely difficult. If I had it to do over again I would have done it very differently. I was looking over old photos last night and I realized how much of the last 5 years has been a blur.....something that I deeply regret. We are finally reaching some sort of stability but I cannot say that what I (and my boys) went through was worth it. I guess that is a reason that I am cheering for you so hard. I realize that we each do what we have to do and I sure did. I thought that if he just quit using and wanted to make it work that that would be enough. It has taken a whole lot more than that!

Abundance

Thanks Donna.

Yeah... I basically just ran out of patience. I can't keep going on living like this. Always wanting more... wanting to be desired, to be cared for, to be even acknowledged..... not constantly finding fault - not to mention DRUG ADDICTION. It wasn't getting better.... it was getting worse. The only thing that was better was him not doing oxy anymore. That wasn't enough and it would never be enough. And now this ritalin business. I saw myself getting older .... and the boys getting older and my energy being split between our issues and focusing on the children. It just got to be too hard. I tried so dang hard. Believe me ... this is the last thing I wanted. I wanted to be the couple that made it in recovery - the thing is - recovery never happened with him.

Boy - karma sure is a bleep! ya know how I didn't tell the boys the full truth? Well .... it bit me in the arse BIG TIME!

The boys were with me when we were driving to Kragen to get my battery sorted... and in the same parking lot - I saw my guy's dad walking. I was holding my breath hoping that the boys didn't see him. (as they thought that his dad and him were already on the road since yesterday!) And THEN.... I was referred to a mechanic to help me put the battery in - and low and behold - we drive up to the garages..... and there is my guy's car - ALSO getting work done!!!! My oldest was like WOAH!!!!!!! Fortunately, my youngest said that he didn't think it was - (but it really was!). So - I told them that it looked pretty crowded in there and backed on out. Very weird.

So - that was the Universe telling me to knock it off. Dontcha think? But that wasn't enough.

Boy's dad called and he asked if they knew. I said yes - so he spoke with them..... and essentially brought up the "break up". It was my ex's idea to not tell the boys right away - and that he was going for work. And I agreed on it/ we agreed on it. I just about chewed him out!!!!!! He said "ooops... didn't do it on purpose - I forgot about deciding that!" WoW..

So yeah.... I had to come clean with them. And my youngest asked me why I just didn't tell the truth to begin with. I told him that it was too late in the night and I didn't want to give details until today. And then he asked if his dad knew before him - and I told him "no".

So- that part is finally over.

My guy texted me about 20 minutes before the kragen/mechanic situation...... saying that we are soul mates. I really don't understand how he can possibly say that to me after the way he has treated me. I'm not even wooed by it at all. His words mean so little to me after his actions have shown differently to what he says. For nearly 2 years now I have been asking for "action" - and while there has been some.... it hasn't been enough for me. I know I sound pretty horrible and like I have entitlements. But the action of NOT LYING.... never happened. And that was the biggest action I needed... and I never got it.
I didn't reply. What could I say to that? "yes - we do have a special connection, but that connection kept breaking per drugs and lies. And the fact that you cheated on me!!!!!" Ya know- really- we have had our talks - there is nothing more to say. JUST DO.

So - now that the cat is out of the bag - bring on our altruistic home!