Thinking about the past...
Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Thinking about the past...
Hi all,
This is kind of rambling, I'm sorry, I'm just sort of babbling...
For anyone who does not know, my husband is now three weeks + a weekend clean from a heroin addiction. We met in college, 16 years ago, and about 5 minutes after I met him I told my best friend I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. We had a very deep connection from day one. the term "Soul Mate" sounds kind of silly, but I have always felt it to be true. All my life, I've found that most people don't really "get" me, but M does, and always has. M's recovery is going well, but the recovery process is draining. He's still feeling physical effects of withdrawal...tired, insomnia, RLS, some nausea...and as awful as it sounds, I'm so tired of it all. Lately I find myself thinking about people I've been in relationships with in the past (we're talking deep past - before M & I met 16 years ago.) Anyway, I keep thinking about how maybe life would've been simpler if I had spent it with someone else, just daydreaming really. I've even gone so far as to look up an old bf on Facebook. I didn't contact him or anything, but just looked at his pictures and read his profie, and thought "sh*t, why did I dump this guy? He seems like he's got it all together, maybe I shouldn't have followed my heart and gone with the one who seemed to have it all together." It's the first time in the past 16 years that I've ever questioned my relationship like this, and it's really bothering me. I feel like M's doing all the work to make sure he doesn't use anymore but instead of appreciating it I'm just getting annoyed by it and tired of it all. I guess I just find myself wishing life was simpler and easier, and I feel bad about it.
So I guess I don't really have any question, I just felt like telling somebody about how I'm feeling. Thanks for listening, as always.
Daisy
This is kind of rambling, I'm sorry, I'm just sort of babbling...
For anyone who does not know, my husband is now three weeks + a weekend clean from a heroin addiction. We met in college, 16 years ago, and about 5 minutes after I met him I told my best friend I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. We had a very deep connection from day one. the term "Soul Mate" sounds kind of silly, but I have always felt it to be true. All my life, I've found that most people don't really "get" me, but M does, and always has. M's recovery is going well, but the recovery process is draining. He's still feeling physical effects of withdrawal...tired, insomnia, RLS, some nausea...and as awful as it sounds, I'm so tired of it all. Lately I find myself thinking about people I've been in relationships with in the past (we're talking deep past - before M & I met 16 years ago.) Anyway, I keep thinking about how maybe life would've been simpler if I had spent it with someone else, just daydreaming really. I've even gone so far as to look up an old bf on Facebook. I didn't contact him or anything, but just looked at his pictures and read his profie, and thought "sh*t, why did I dump this guy? He seems like he's got it all together, maybe I shouldn't have followed my heart and gone with the one who seemed to have it all together." It's the first time in the past 16 years that I've ever questioned my relationship like this, and it's really bothering me. I feel like M's doing all the work to make sure he doesn't use anymore but instead of appreciating it I'm just getting annoyed by it and tired of it all. I guess I just find myself wishing life was simpler and easier, and I feel bad about it.
So I guess I don't really have any question, I just felt like telling somebody about how I'm feeling. Thanks for listening, as always.
Daisy
learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
Daisy,
Thanks for having the courage to share what you're feeling. You know, the majority of relationship problems happen AFTER the spouse gets treatment/goes into remission from addiction? The roles we play in relationships are so ingrained that when that drug goes away and recovery starts, it can throw everyone into a tailspin and get us (non-A's) thinking about our own recovery and what we want and deserve out of life.
There's nothing odd or wrong about what you're thinking. Its normal and its healthy after what all you've been through w/ M. The best I can say is to acknowledge your feelings, continue to share what you're going through and take care of yourself. It may or may not lead anywhere, but I'm happy you're acknowledging it. That may be all your heart needs.
Love,
Holly
Thanks for having the courage to share what you're feeling. You know, the majority of relationship problems happen AFTER the spouse gets treatment/goes into remission from addiction? The roles we play in relationships are so ingrained that when that drug goes away and recovery starts, it can throw everyone into a tailspin and get us (non-A's) thinking about our own recovery and what we want and deserve out of life.
There's nothing odd or wrong about what you're thinking. Its normal and its healthy after what all you've been through w/ M. The best I can say is to acknowledge your feelings, continue to share what you're going through and take care of yourself. It may or may not lead anywhere, but I'm happy you're acknowledging it. That may be all your heart needs.
Love,
Holly
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Hi Daisy
It made me laugh when I read about you going on Facebook and looking up an ex. I just recently did the same thing. My ex is now in Alaska so I guess I don't think, gee, we should have stayed together, but it's definitely made me think of simpler times and wondering what my life would be if I'd taken a different road.
Do you have the ability to take time off and go on a vacation either alone or with friends? Or even just stay with a friend or family for just a little while? Sometimes even a short getaway can help you feel refreshed and renewed.
It made me laugh when I read about you going on Facebook and looking up an ex. I just recently did the same thing. My ex is now in Alaska so I guess I don't think, gee, we should have stayed together, but it's definitely made me think of simpler times and wondering what my life would be if I'd taken a different road.
Do you have the ability to take time off and go on a vacation either alone or with friends? Or even just stay with a friend or family for just a little while? Sometimes even a short getaway can help you feel refreshed and renewed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Hi Daisy,
I could really feel the sorrow in your post. I'm sorry you have to deal with so much, addiction really is a family affair no matter who in the family is the addict. While I know our problems are not easy, every family has there own set of problems some are dealing with loveless marriages, dying family members, delinquent kids what I am trying to say is the other side is not always as wonderful as it seems. Try to focus on you and how to make yourself better through all this, I know it can be draining. If your not going to meetings, please go they really do help. I really can't imagine what I would do if my addict was my husband, I used to think heck just leave him, but since going to the meetings I have really seen the pain and love that comes from having a spouse that is the addict and that love/pain is just as painful as it is for an addicted child maybe even more so, since the plan is spend the rest of your life with this person and a child grows up to leave the nest. I hope you find some peace and life gets easier for you, your in my thoughts and prayers. (((Hugs))) Julie
I could really feel the sorrow in your post. I'm sorry you have to deal with so much, addiction really is a family affair no matter who in the family is the addict. While I know our problems are not easy, every family has there own set of problems some are dealing with loveless marriages, dying family members, delinquent kids what I am trying to say is the other side is not always as wonderful as it seems. Try to focus on you and how to make yourself better through all this, I know it can be draining. If your not going to meetings, please go they really do help. I really can't imagine what I would do if my addict was my husband, I used to think heck just leave him, but since going to the meetings I have really seen the pain and love that comes from having a spouse that is the addict and that love/pain is just as painful as it is for an addicted child maybe even more so, since the plan is spend the rest of your life with this person and a child grows up to leave the nest. I hope you find some peace and life gets easier for you, your in my thoughts and prayers. (((Hugs))) Julie
Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
(((Holly))) Thanks for hearing me. I try so hard to just get on with my own life and let him take care of his problems, but sometimes I get run down, and venting (and knowing someone is listening) helps so much...
(((Scarlett))) I'm glad I'm not the only one
This one was a real catch, and now he's in S. California, but I was 19 when we split - he was far too serious for me at the time!
((((((((((((((((((Julie)))))))))))))))))) I think you might "get" me, too
I know how much difficulty you've been having lately with your son, and it's made me feel so lucky to have what I do. I have two little girls, 4 & 6, and I cannot even begin to imagine the pain one must feel with a child who is addicted. You & Joey are in my thoughts often, and I hope your strength inspires him as it has me
All the best to all, and thanks for being here,
Daisy
(((Scarlett))) I'm glad I'm not the only one
This one was a real catch, and now he's in S. California, but I was 19 when we split - he was far too serious for me at the time! ((((((((((((((((((Julie)))))))))))))))))) I think you might "get" me, too
I know how much difficulty you've been having lately with your son, and it's made me feel so lucky to have what I do. I have two little girls, 4 & 6, and I cannot even begin to imagine the pain one must feel with a child who is addicted. You & Joey are in my thoughts often, and I hope your strength inspires him as it has me
All the best to all, and thanks for being here,
Daisy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Daisy))
Since I'm one of those "double winners", both an RA and someone who has loved ones who are addicts, I think what you're feeling is normal.
I just get totally frustrated with addiction and it's aftermath and how much of my life it has, and is, taking up. Granted, I can't really complain about my OWN addiction as I brought it on myself, but with stepmom it's like there are days I just want to scream and not deal with it at all!
It's emotionally draining, no doubt about it. I've worked hard on the detaching part, and now I'm working on trying to find a few "fun" things to do, and see if that helps
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Since I'm one of those "double winners", both an RA and someone who has loved ones who are addicts, I think what you're feeling is normal.
I just get totally frustrated with addiction and it's aftermath and how much of my life it has, and is, taking up. Granted, I can't really complain about my OWN addiction as I brought it on myself, but with stepmom it's like there are days I just want to scream and not deal with it at all!
It's emotionally draining, no doubt about it. I've worked hard on the detaching part, and now I'm working on trying to find a few "fun" things to do, and see if that helps
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Amy, you can complain about anything you want...it's my thread, and I say if you want to complain about your own addiction it's ok in my book
He's not doing heroin, which is of course a good thing, and is working hard to stay that way, so I feel kind of bad complaining, BUT...I'm going to anyway.
I'm feeling less sad today and more annoyed. And neglected. I have to admit that I think the unspoken part of my frustration about they way things are is about the 3-letter capital "S" word. When M was using, I had noticed his libido wasn't what it used to be, but I just figured "well, we're getting older." But I'm only 38, and he's only 35, so we're not that old. When I found out about his addiction, I figured that the heroin was to blame. And now it's the withdrawal...
It's not just about the physical enjoyment of it, although I would be the world's biggest liar if I said that didn't matter, but I miss the emotional intimacy that comes along with it. I mean, snuggling is great and all, but there's a spiritual connection that comes along with physical love, and I'm missing it sorely these days. It's just one more stress added to the pile...
As always, thanks for listening
Daisy
He's not doing heroin, which is of course a good thing, and is working hard to stay that way, so I feel kind of bad complaining, BUT...I'm going to anyway.
I'm feeling less sad today and more annoyed. And neglected. I have to admit that I think the unspoken part of my frustration about they way things are is about the 3-letter capital "S" word. When M was using, I had noticed his libido wasn't what it used to be, but I just figured "well, we're getting older." But I'm only 38, and he's only 35, so we're not that old. When I found out about his addiction, I figured that the heroin was to blame. And now it's the withdrawal...
It's not just about the physical enjoyment of it, although I would be the world's biggest liar if I said that didn't matter, but I miss the emotional intimacy that comes along with it. I mean, snuggling is great and all, but there's a spiritual connection that comes along with physical love, and I'm missing it sorely these days. It's just one more stress added to the pile...
As always, thanks for listening
Daisy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Daisy)))
Now THAT, I have no ES&H on. I left my ex while he was still using and the crack never slowed him down.
I'm pretty sure this is not a permanent thing, and he's still pretty darned early in recovery. That's not to say, however, that you can't complain or vent...we get to do that whenever we want to!!
Some times I just have to remind myself that I've only got to get through today, when things seem to just annoy the he!! out of me. No way I could put up with this stuff forever, but today? Yeah, I think I can do it today.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Now THAT, I have no ES&H on. I left my ex while he was still using and the crack never slowed him down.
I'm pretty sure this is not a permanent thing, and he's still pretty darned early in recovery. That's not to say, however, that you can't complain or vent...we get to do that whenever we want to!!
Some times I just have to remind myself that I've only got to get through today, when things seem to just annoy the he!! out of me. No way I could put up with this stuff forever, but today? Yeah, I think I can do it today.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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