kuljey

well my 'now' husband finishes w/his 6mo rehab soon. Hes been accusing me of trying to stop his recovery. Has even went so far as to say my faith/church attendance/bible studies & therapy is "BULL." yep... Well now he has been saying in his letters that i need to change now that he has changed i need to change my problem-which he says is drama. He keeps saying that if i dont be nice,since hes clean, he will leave me.

im really at a major loss....i have supported him thru this whole trial and now im the big bad guy. I helped him get back in touch w/his daughter--wierdly i work w/his daughters grandmother. His 12 yr old daughter has even received a letter puttin me down...talkin bad of me. (i wrote him w/the request for a chihuahua puppy for my daughter,i asked him 1st before agreeing--he happily said yes.then he writes his daughter bout how he hates small dogs-especially chihuahuas--and since i am having $probs how could i spend $ since i am having $problems.incidentally his daughter has chihuahua.)

Done_With_It

I try and remember we teach people how to treat us, if he thinks it is okay to treat you this way and that you will accept this behavior from him he's going to keep on doing it.

You said, Maybe you supported him a bit too much, or supported his bad behavior and he is expecting you to continue. Sometimes addicts tend to bring down
everyone around them or drag them into their drama and sickness.

Do you think maybe somewhere along the way in all of this "You" got lost in the mix?
While you were supporting him, who was supporting you and taking care of you?
Just something to think about maybe..

I don't know, just my experience, You have to take care you first, and don't change for anyone, except yourself.

Ann

I found that the change that helped me most, also helped those I loved. That change was when I took the focus off them and put it back on me, deciding what was and was not acceptable in MY life.

When I do the best I can in my recovery, what others think of me belongs to them, not me.

Hugs

kuljey

wow...thanks alot for the responses. to give more detail.. the last letters i have received from him are complaining bout the changes he has made for the better and my changes that were not for his happiness. that if i am nice and he is sober we are good! if i dont do some changing quick he is gone! he keeps threatening divorce, but this letter now says he is willing to stay w/me if i change. i am TREATING HIM BAD and he is hurt by me. he wante me to memorize the letter and think before i write back and if it was negative dont bother cuz he wont respond. the next letter i got was that he is set in his recovery and no one will stop that...and that he wished he could apologize for the last letter but that is how he feels. he says he is set in his ways and again that he is not going to quit recovery period!!! he said that at an outisde aa meeting a "judge" who has been in recovery for 30 yrs told him he has a right to "be me and a right to be free." he says that the loved ones in ppl in recovery are either part of the solution or part of the problem...and if im not part of the solution then thats a problem. he says repeatedly that he loves me but if i dont stop my drama hes gone. he says as my hubby that i need to fix this b4 he gets home. and that him clean and me being nice=perfect. the last letter was a doosey! he basically spends the whole letter saying he has done self examination and he is a good person when sober and that he has boundries he has let me cross and i cant anymore. that he loves himself and i dont...that if i loved myself i wouldnt have even given him a shot or time of day and that i just focus on him and got w/him to "fix" him. he says in this letter that my goin to church and my therapy is BULL and im fakin it!!! that i better get on the changin train fast. then is rude and says i can get my feelings hurt by what he says and blab to everyone but he doesnt give a ____. he ends it he deserves to be happy and i NEED TO CHANGE NOW.

wow... i almost choked on the faith/therapy thing. and that he keeps referring in each letter that his recovery will not be stopped.... doesnt say i am stopping it but keeps sayin it over and over.

recovery..recovery..recovery... I DONT GET HIM!!! aaggh

UNHAPPY777

Well I am so sorry you are going through this!!!!! You are not to fault for anything here. I am no expert.......But, I was told that sometimes if we are tooo nice that hurts our A because it is not allowing them to take responsibility for their actions. I read your last post where he said that you don't love yourself because you wouldn't have put up with him......Well he's going according to what psych's say or should I say his interpretation of what they might say. That we have to put ourselves first! In reality KULJEY this is a NO win situation. Your da**ed if you do and da**ed if you don't. The letter might have went the same way if you abandoned him and turned your back on him..... Just take a deep breathe and know that you are not alone. His recovery process is far from over.


Hugs....

laurie6781

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!!!!!!

If this is all he has learned about 'changing his ways' in 6 months of rehab you DONT WANT him home. He is still in MAJOR MANIPULATION MODE.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I am coming from 28 years of being sober and clean and 25 years in Al-Anon. Send a letter back, tell him HIS ATTITUDE suggests that when he leaves the Rehab he NEEDS to go to A SOBER LIVING HOUSE as his "ATTITUDES" are NOT acceptable for your home.

Then (((((Kuljey))))) get thee arse to some Al-Anon meetings and/or one on one therapy with a Counselor that specializes in Addiction therapy. This will help you IMMENSELY in your OWN RECOVERY from living with the Addict and help you to not only figure out what your "boundaries" are but how to enforce them for Your Own Peace and Serenity.

I have sent you a PM.

Love and hugs,

outtolunch

Addiction so often/too often seeks rationalization for relapse.

winnie12

He doesnt sound like he is even remotely embracing recovery. The first step should be realizing that its HIM doing these things not you - no one makes us do anything - the choice to use is his and has absolutely nothing to do with you. I've found if i allow someone to blame me for their mistakes that they are more than happy to dump them on me but if i refuse to take the blame they eventually get tired of that or i get tired enough to not let it affect me so badly. Please dont change who you are or what you believe in because he is deflecting his mistakes onto you - it would be so sad for you to loose who you are to his addiction.

dorton

He isn't ready to come home yet. I think the best thing would be a half way house for him and you to move on with YOUR life leaving him behind to recover in his own way. Maybe returning his next letters unopened would also be a good idea. You don't need to read his crap.

Done_With_It

If he was really working his recovery, and he felt like this it would be his responsibility to make changes in himself and his environment if he felt that is what he needed be.

You don't go around and tell the world to change for you, You make the changes yourself.
When we are two years old we stomp our feet and tell people what to do and how to act.
If he still thinks he can order people around and make them change to make himself happy it's just like me thinking I will be happy when I lose 5 more pounds.
He can only manipulate you with this stuff if you let him, this is about him, not you.
He's just confused and misguiding himself.

JMO


:ghug

Sounds like a great idea, you will get so much support there.

kuljey

Gosh, good ideas!! no contact for a year.. actually that does sound practical!

i have been threatened to be left/divorced if i dont change---im so emotionally drained those threats dont even phase me. yea it would be sad..but.

last time he was saying that i didnt cry..etc. he asked.. well why arent u upset, i said.. i dont know. i read the bible last night, prayed and had a good nights sleep i guess is why.. WELL DUH

Done_With_It

Your doing GREAT!!!