intimacy in a recovering drug addict
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intimacy in a recovering drug addict
I would like to know if there is ever a possibility that once the addict is in recovery, he or she can ever have intimacywith someone in their lives? Also is it true that we as recovering co-dependents have the same issues as the recovering addict since we are in our own recovery plan?Do we have issues with intimacy and where can we get help with that? In one post It was written that Active addicts cannot be intimate. Ever?
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i am not the wife of an addict. i have only heard that they are not intrested in sex when they are using. i beleive theropy with that would work just as a program helps with any problem. this is only my opinion.
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recovering drug addict runnoing from intimacy
The inability to be intimate is not only about being able to have sex. It also means to let a person in and being able to allow that person to give the recovering addict love in general. I talk to the recovering addict today and he said that he runs from intimacy. He is recovering for the last 3 years now. He felt us getting closer and it scared him and he backed off immediatlly. Why do they do this? Can they ever feel intimacy with someone later on
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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Maybe his problems with intimacy have nothing to do with his addiction/recovery? I'm an RA and though I would like to blame every single character flaw I have on my addiction, I can't.
The thing is, he's being upfront with you, and there is not a thing you can do about this. I don't know that anyone can answer your question about whether he can ever feel intimacy with someone later on...including him.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
The thing is, he's being upfront with you, and there is not a thing you can do about this. I don't know that anyone can answer your question about whether he can ever feel intimacy with someone later on...including him.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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"Active" addict and recovering addict are two different animals. And I believe each person is different in their recovery as well as issues that may remain even without the drugs.
The same goes for codies...lots of different reasons and different results.
If someone says they have trouble...I would trust them at their word.
The same goes for codies...lots of different reasons and different results.
If someone says they have trouble...I would trust them at their word.
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Okay, well I'm a recovering addict and I'm not as quick to trust people, but I wouldn't say I have a problem with intimacy except that I'm also a codie and I tend to pick the wrong men.
It still goes back to..you're asking a question with no answer. Who knows what will happen in the future? He's telling he what he can't do right now. This may last for a few weeks or a few years or forever.
I've done enough work on my codie-ness that when a man essentially tells me he is unavailable (whether physically or emotionally), it's a done deal...it doesn't matter what may happen in the future.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It still goes back to..you're asking a question with no answer. Who knows what will happen in the future? He's telling he what he can't do right now. This may last for a few weeks or a few years or forever.
I've done enough work on my codie-ness that when a man essentially tells me he is unavailable (whether physically or emotionally), it's a done deal...it doesn't matter what may happen in the future.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: May 2009
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yes that is right, but I keep asking can a recvering addict have intimacy back if that is someting that he or she can not do. Are they doomed to find true love. I know that Bluejay6 mentioned once that an active addict cannot be intimate. I am just trying to hear what has happened to someone else's intimacy after recovery
learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
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when my addict was in recovery we found intimacy. It was wonderful. A big clue (or should've been) that he had relapsed was the lack of intimacy I felt both in the bedroom and in our interactions with each other anywhere. If you're asking can an addict who is actively working on recovery and clean from all substances be intimate again- the answer I believe is yes.
Now if he is telling you that he cannot, for whatever reason, its probably best to take him for his word on it and decide where you want to go from here.
Best of luck,
Holly
Now if he is telling you that he cannot, for whatever reason, its probably best to take him for his word on it and decide where you want to go from here.
Best of luck,
Holly
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I can't say I have any experience in the area of your question certainly since my ABF is active in his addiction.
I only wanted to add my point of view. I think despite any recovery efforts, intimacy takes both of you to achieve.
I was thinking that part of my ABF's need for alcohol may be a fear of intimacy. Alcohol is his drug of choice, but I have heard others speak of other drugs that take away inhibitions. Removing the inhibition or the fear to open up emotionally with another person (not always towards sex either) may allow an addict to feel they have achieved intimacy. Then without the drug, they just can't let go with another person and feel connected emotionally.
Maybe if an addict's recovery has taken him/her to a point where they can trust their own feelings and be vulnerable with another person without escaping into drug use, they would then need to feel that same trust and vulnerability from their partner. Like with anyone who's been hurt emtionally or been withdrawn from others, just making a connection to someone else can be terrifying.
Could it be that your RA's "fear" or need to pull back from intimacy is just a knee-jerk response? He may be used to working through his emotions carefully to avoid relapsing and with you his feelings run away with him a little causing him to shut down rather than worry over a relapse?
I am most definitely guessing here. I am neither a recovering addict nor a man, so I'm only contemplating from what I've learned along the way.
Alice
I only wanted to add my point of view. I think despite any recovery efforts, intimacy takes both of you to achieve.
I was thinking that part of my ABF's need for alcohol may be a fear of intimacy. Alcohol is his drug of choice, but I have heard others speak of other drugs that take away inhibitions. Removing the inhibition or the fear to open up emotionally with another person (not always towards sex either) may allow an addict to feel they have achieved intimacy. Then without the drug, they just can't let go with another person and feel connected emotionally.
Maybe if an addict's recovery has taken him/her to a point where they can trust their own feelings and be vulnerable with another person without escaping into drug use, they would then need to feel that same trust and vulnerability from their partner. Like with anyone who's been hurt emtionally or been withdrawn from others, just making a connection to someone else can be terrifying.
Could it be that your RA's "fear" or need to pull back from intimacy is just a knee-jerk response? He may be used to working through his emotions carefully to avoid relapsing and with you his feelings run away with him a little causing him to shut down rather than worry over a relapse?
I am most definitely guessing here. I am neither a recovering addict nor a man, so I'm only contemplating from what I've learned along the way.
Alice
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An excerpt from "The Addictive Personality" by Craig Nakken:
"It's natural that as the addictive personality develops and gains more control in a person's life, skills used to maintain personal relationships will start to weaken......the person has become totally afraid of intimacy and stays away from any sign of it.....Addicts...think people can't understand them. Thus, people are to be avoided."
Rebec, I think you are powerless over his inability and disinterest in having an intimate relationship at this stage of his life, and perhaps the best thing would be to let go the rope. I know it's hard, but it would probably be best for now. You may be inclined to try to convince him that he's safe with you, that you are trustworthy, that you are patient and can work with him on this.....but, really, unless he is asking you for an intimate relationship and some patience as he finds his way in it....then if it were me, I would let go. I would withdraw, and allow my higher power to help me deal with my disappointment and also help me examine my own needs to hold on tight when someone isn't reciprocating. Believe me, I have held on tight, too, and for me, I am sure it was an unconscious panic about abandonment, harking back to my childhood.
I hope you feel better soon.
"It's natural that as the addictive personality develops and gains more control in a person's life, skills used to maintain personal relationships will start to weaken......the person has become totally afraid of intimacy and stays away from any sign of it.....Addicts...think people can't understand them. Thus, people are to be avoided."
Rebec, I think you are powerless over his inability and disinterest in having an intimate relationship at this stage of his life, and perhaps the best thing would be to let go the rope. I know it's hard, but it would probably be best for now. You may be inclined to try to convince him that he's safe with you, that you are trustworthy, that you are patient and can work with him on this.....but, really, unless he is asking you for an intimate relationship and some patience as he finds his way in it....then if it were me, I would let go. I would withdraw, and allow my higher power to help me deal with my disappointment and also help me examine my own needs to hold on tight when someone isn't reciprocating. Believe me, I have held on tight, too, and for me, I am sure it was an unconscious panic about abandonment, harking back to my childhood.
I hope you feel better soon.
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Thanks Bluejay6
Another response that I will copy and read 100 times. That is exactly what I needed to hear. I am keeping out of this situation and letting go and letting God. He is not ready for a serious relationship or better I do not think my personality maybe is not rright for a person recovering from his addiction. I know I have to work on my own issues like co-dependency and obsessisiveness. God why does relationships have to be so hard. Thanks again
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A recovering addict most certainly can have intimacy. In fact, i believe that someone who really works a program and truly becomes intune with their HP can show more intimacy then the average Joe because they have gone on a journey of self-discovery. the more you know and love yourself the more you are able to love others. But it does take time - sometimes many many years to get to that point. One of my friends said it took him about five years working the program to really get to that stage.
Yes as codies we do suffer intimacy issues - sometimes its just a matter of fear for me it was being afraid to trust someone with my heart but I know I can get over that. I think the key for me is to not let myself become bitter no matter how much i was hurt - i do that by forgiving those who did wrong to me whether they asked or not. then my heart doesnt become bitter. The other problem that i see now is that for so long i've had to seperate my heart from my head when it came to making decisions so its a little difficult for me to trust my heart now - my head gets in the way. That too I'll get over when my head is able to trust the person.
Yes as codies we do suffer intimacy issues - sometimes its just a matter of fear for me it was being afraid to trust someone with my heart but I know I can get over that. I think the key for me is to not let myself become bitter no matter how much i was hurt - i do that by forgiving those who did wrong to me whether they asked or not. then my heart doesnt become bitter. The other problem that i see now is that for so long i've had to seperate my heart from my head when it came to making decisions so its a little difficult for me to trust my heart now - my head gets in the way. That too I'll get over when my head is able to trust the person.
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In active addiction, my guy was very intimate (in the bedroom) - but now that he is not in active addiction - he is very closed off.... and has no interest. He says that drugs and sex come from the same part of his brain.
If we weren't already in a relationship- and he were a single man- I definitely could not see him at this point developing a new relationship. He is very self-focused and is not able to give or share much of himself. (grant it - it's giving me a lot of space to focus on myself, as well)
I think that with addiction there is ocd.... and in the beginning, he thought he was going to trade his pill addiction for NA.... but instead - for now - he has traded the pill addiction for work addiction.
I made a DMB reference... and asked him to be a junky for my love..... not work. He was totally offended. Even though I was joking and smiling- he didn't think it was funny and says he doesn't want to be a junky for anything. He recognizes how much he his hyper focusing on his work - but he also is able to rationalize it. Work = financial security, being a provider, keeping busy so that his mind stays off of the pills....
In therapy - we discussed that in recovery - there are losses. And *my* loss - is the loss of intimacy.
If we weren't already in a relationship- and he were a single man- I definitely could not see him at this point developing a new relationship. He is very self-focused and is not able to give or share much of himself. (grant it - it's giving me a lot of space to focus on myself, as well)
I think that with addiction there is ocd.... and in the beginning, he thought he was going to trade his pill addiction for NA.... but instead - for now - he has traded the pill addiction for work addiction.
I made a DMB reference... and asked him to be a junky for my love..... not work. He was totally offended. Even though I was joking and smiling- he didn't think it was funny and says he doesn't want to be a junky for anything. He recognizes how much he his hyper focusing on his work - but he also is able to rationalize it. Work = financial security, being a provider, keeping busy so that his mind stays off of the pills....
In therapy - we discussed that in recovery - there are losses. And *my* loss - is the loss of intimacy.
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Intimacy does return in recovery.
You can feel the return of it. Its like a light that shuts on and you start to feel all of the "feelings" that you felt when addiction was not a factor in your relationship. To me its almost like ice melting. Its actually kind of fun getting to know this person again when they are clean.
You can feel the return of it. Its like a light that shuts on and you start to feel all of the "feelings" that you felt when addiction was not a factor in your relationship. To me its almost like ice melting. Its actually kind of fun getting to know this person again when they are clean.
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For me it did more than return. It is better in every way then it was before my active addiction. I can allow myself to feel things that I never could before. Now that I have a relationship with the God of my understanding, I'm willing to take the risk of giving my heart fully, trusting in God to get me through whatever pain or heartbreak may ensue. And I'm struggling to keep honest with my new partner, in ways I never did with anyone. It's a trip! We look into each others' eyes, and when I try to look away he holds my chin and just says, "let yourself feel love. I won't hurt you." It is very, very intense. He's been in recovery many more years than I have, and so he has more experience being honest, feeling and sharing his feelings, both in and out of the bedroom.
Does this type of honest, intimate exchange guarantee a successful relationship? No, nothing can do that. Only time will tell. But I'm now willing to engage in the dance fully and enjoy it while I can. I didn't come to recovery to lead a closed-off, lonely life and I feel sorry for the many recovering addicts who continually hide from their strong new feelings. I feel like saying "come on in, the water is fine." But you won't be able to teach anyone that. He has to make the decision when he is ready. So do what you need to do and get some healthy distance if he isn't ready for intimacy. There are some wonderful men who are ready for it.
Love,
KJ
Does this type of honest, intimate exchange guarantee a successful relationship? No, nothing can do that. Only time will tell. But I'm now willing to engage in the dance fully and enjoy it while I can. I didn't come to recovery to lead a closed-off, lonely life and I feel sorry for the many recovering addicts who continually hide from their strong new feelings. I feel like saying "come on in, the water is fine." But you won't be able to teach anyone that. He has to make the decision when he is ready. So do what you need to do and get some healthy distance if he isn't ready for intimacy. There are some wonderful men who are ready for it.
Love,
KJ
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