Daisy09

Allowing Others to Be...

"It is hard sometimes to allow others to be who they are, especially if we feel we know what’s best for them and we see them making choices we wouldn’t make. "

greeteachday

Just a gentle reminder here everyone that posts are most helpful when they are directed at the ESH rather than at the people posting. We all have our own intepretation of what "flaming" is, but let's try to remember one of our rules is

I find that if I am responding to someone directly that isn't about the topic but more about what I don't like about what he or she is saying, I'm better off sitting on my hands for a bit or putting it in a private message if it turns out I really feel the need to say it. Most times, I'm reacting to stresses in my life, rather than the poster.

dorton

When i read Kitty's post the word WISE struck me as hurtful and sarcastic I felt Kitty was saying thought I had made stupid choices up till now so now make a WISE one. I had no way of knowing she was refering to a book she had found helpful. I think she understood how I had felt when she explained it was a book. SR has been my life saver and I thank God for having found this site, but at times I think the people who respond are a little over the top in their responses. I have felt that far more when reading other posts than my own, but at times I feel that people have been degraded rather than supported on this site. If that offends anyone I am sorry. And by the way I do thank Kitty very much for taking the time to find the name of the book as well as to post the helpful parts of it.

Hangin' In

Dorton,

For me and my RAD, the question of her moving home became just as much about me and Mr. Hangin' as it was about her. You see, we had been in recovery (Al Anon) for a while when she hit us up to move home....and she was sober. She did and whoa....I'll never do that again. We realized it was time she learned about supporting herself, finding a place to live and doing what it took to stay sober and become a responsible adult. I'm telling you, her move home cost us our serenity and almost cost her her sobriety!

I know Mr. Hangin' and I now have to talk things over and make decisions for us that are based on what is required in order for us to keep the peace and serenity in our lives. I'm the kind of mom that doesn't do well with a front row seat. And my RAD will tell you that living with me only causes more stress in her life. I guess that is why her HP has put her 550 miles away from me...to save her from me. :-) Thank you, HP!

I just know that when I was still thinking there was any way that I COULD HELP HER get sober, I was not practicing my program and realizing I am powerless. For so long that was so blurry to me, getting enabling and helping confused.

And regarding young folks finding affordable housing and supporting themselves, I'm watching my AD do it. She works a waitress job and lives in a very modest trailer park with a roommate. She's paying her way with no help from us. And her doing it all by herself has made her self esteem soar. What a blessing that she is living like she is!

My prayers for you cause I know how hard this is. I'm praying you HP will make it very clear as to what is the best decision for you.

Hugs,
Hangin' In
P.S. LOVE that book by Andy Stanley, "The Best Question Ever". Very good common sense advice in there that I just didn't get until it was spelled out for me. And I thought I had common sense.

outtolunch

What you inferred probably hit on your own vulnerability. I have been in your shoes more than once and felt that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I had ever done was stupid which goes right to the heart of the matter -a belief that I did something or missed something, along the way, that caused my daugther to get involved with drugs. It's an inner battle I fight, every single day.

I need those " over the top" responses to ground me in logic. I did not cause it, cannot control it and certainly cannot cure it. And most importantly, I will not be victimized by it.

marle

Outtolunch hit on a good point. A couple of weeks back someone that I work with made an offhand comment about how kids that are given everything when they grow up are more likely to become addicts because they never learn coping skills. When she made that comment I saw red and had to leave. I was really angry for quite some time but I made myself stop and think of why that comment bothered me so much. I know that it was because at one time I DID blame myself for my daughter's addiction and I remember how confusing and painful taking that blame upon myself was. So when another person seems harsh and judjemental it may just be your perception of it at the time. I know that I can be blunt and to the point and I have to remember that at one time I was in the same place that the poster was. Just remember that although all addicts will share similar traits when they are in the throes of addiction, each situation is still unique to the loved one going through it. Just as we have each found our way through the maze of addiction, you will too. Sending hugs and prayers, Marle

Freedom1990

Dorton, in the end, you have to do what you can live with. That has been my experience over the years, and often with plenty of pain on the side.

I know, for me, I will no longer take that front seat to my AD's addiction. I sat there far too long, and she is free to live her life as she sees fit without my interference.

:ghug :ghug

PeaceTrain

Hi Dorton, I agree with the last few posters - in the end it is a family decision. What can you live with and what is right for you and your family. Recovery is a journey, some people have a my way or the highway attitude others cannot live with things so black and white -- the majority live within a big gray area. You and your husband should make a decision and stick with it. No one knows the future, so this might be the final relapse -- and it may not -- but, whatever happens, you cannot control him -- just do your best, whatever you deem that to be. -- Hugs and Best Wishes -- I know how hard this decision is, I have had to make it as well..

dorton

Sometimes it isn't easy knowing exactly what you will be able to live with. We haven't heard from him since Friday when he said he didn't know the number for his counselor and I sent him the number (it was a cell number he couldn't have looked up himself). Today a friend's husband, who has been down this road, asked that we send our son his phone number so we did but no response. Sometimes I think I am doing so well and then the pain is so great that my knees just want to buckle with the weight of what we are dealing with. It is a minute by minute thing with no end in sight. I know a lot of people on here say to just stop letting this bother me but I am not the person who can do that.

liesagain

dorton not many of us are the
"person" who can just not let it bother us. Its very painful to watch someone you love make choices that hurt them and thier life.

But we are people who can learn little by little other ways to cope and heal our own hurt ..........we can learn ways not to enable the addicts in our lives to get sicker with our help.

I didnt real all the responses here ( sorry I'n short on time today) but my suggestion would be to ask him to return to detox (if its needed for his drug of choice) and after detox go to 1/2 house and IF he can complete that without relapse the maybe you can work on the hows and whats of his coming back home. However maybe if he completed the 6 months at 1/2 way house clean and sober his goals and focuses will change and he will aim to move forwardd from there on his own.

Hugs and prayers and best wishes I know how difficult this must be for you

Spiritual Seeker

Perhaps the requirement could be to complete the 6 mos. free Salvation Army inpatient rehab program before he moves home.

If a syringe was recently found, signing a paper that he won't do drugs is most likely wishful thinking. This might be the time he is willing to seek treatment if coming home is not the option.

So sorry your family still suffers along with your son.
May you know what to do...today.