how do i respond??

Old 05-22-2009, 01:16 PM
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how do i respond??

My 20yo AS moved left home last Mon. after his brother found an empty syringe wrapper in his car. The only word we had had from him was an exgf said he had emailed her. Then today we get an email from him asking what he needed to do in order to come home and asked if he went to counseling could he come back. How do I respond to that. Husband and I decided not to respond until we had talked about it and he is still at work so we will do that when he gets home. The one thing I did think about saying was to ask our son what he was willing to do in order to be allowed to come back home. I know most of you are going to say not to let him and that you have advised me of that in the past. I get that but I want to know some other ideas please.
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Old 05-22-2009, 01:39 PM
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Originally Posted by dorton View Post
Then today we get an email from him asking what he needed to do in order to come home and asked if he went to counseling could he come back.
Dorton, he's been through rehab. He made the choice to get caught with a girl in a closet and got kicked out temporarily. He was a resourceful young man and managed to make it outside the comforts of rehab till he could go back.

He comes to your home, and chooses to use again. He knew the consequences. He has the tools he needs to stay clean. He chose not to stay clean.

It was a very freeing day for me when I finally allowed my AD to make her own choices in life, poor though they may be, without any interference/help/providing a soft place to fall from me.

Just my two cents.

:ghug :ghug
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Old 05-22-2009, 01:39 PM
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((Dorton))

I'll tell you what my rules are for living at home. I'm WAY older than your son, but the consequences of using got me here.

I pay rent, which means I have to have a job.

No using, whatsoever. If they were to even suspect I had been using, I would be expected to pee in a cup, right then and there. If I couldn't, I leave.

Common courtesy plus. This means I let them know where I'm going, about how long I am going to be, about when I will be back. This was much more restrictive right after I relapsed. Did I feel like I was being treated like a kid again? Yep. Did I go along with it? Absolutely...I ruined their trust, and I needed to do whatever it took to get it back. To this day, they STILL know the basics of where I am.

My recovery is my deal. I don't go to meetings. There really isn't a question of whether or not I'm working my recovery because it shows in my actions. I work, I pay bills, I'm taking an online college course.

This is just to give you an idea of what works in my house. I work with my dad, and what I pay in rent helps him out financially, so it is a win-win situation.

Anvil has a good point, also? When I was his age (long before I became an addict) I had already been living on my own for 2 years.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-22-2009, 01:51 PM
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i think the first thing you are doing - taking time and talking it out with your husband is wise. I would love to be the toughie but i think i may be dishonest if i told you to do something i may not be able to do. but the one thing i would ask you is how many times will you allow this until its the end for you? just think long and hard and dont jump to anything out of fear.
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Old 05-22-2009, 01:51 PM
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Thanks Imp. he does have a contract which would go back into place with additions and some changes. He must have a job, complete daily chore list, curfew, NO DRUGS, pass random drug tests, etc. This is a contract we made with his counselor at rehab, I really don't think he put much input into it. I know it has to be what we can live with in our home but I would like to see what he is willing to give as well. Not saying we would accept anything we didn't like because we would not. I am sick of this hell, but this is the first time he has even put a suggestion on the table as to what he would be willing to do. I would like to hear more along those lines.
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Old 05-22-2009, 02:01 PM
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Might an alternative be a half-way/sober house?

It seems most do better with rules imposed by people other than their own families.
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Old 05-22-2009, 02:31 PM
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Is it abnormal in the US for a 20 year old to still live with their parents? Cos over here in Europe it is pretty normal to stay at home till about mid twenties or something like that... or atleast it is nothing out of the ordinary for a 20 year old to still live at home.
I just thought to ask that after seeing that one response.

Anyway. It is good you and your husband can talk about it and make this decision together. I agree there should be some rules and boundaries, the drug testing is a good idea but then again he refused to take one right before he left so I don't know..... the halfway house might be a good option to consider?

I was thinking about the story of one of the posters here, Scott I think his name is. He lives at home with his parents and there have been some ups and downs but he is doing good now and from what he posted, it seems a lot of that has to do with being at home with his parents.
He is just one person that stuck out to me cos I know someone in a situation that is about 99% similar to his....

Then again for some people it might do more bad than good to stay in that type of shielded environment.

I am still trying to figure it all out myself, just thinking out loud here with all of you.

All the best for you dorton.
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Old 05-22-2009, 02:44 PM
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Hi dorton, When my son came out of rehab he did live with us. He did meetings for 90 days and decided that was enough for him. He moved out after a few months here and did relapse once or twice but for now he's super clean. From what I see he is working hard, paying bills and is responsible. My husband and I have told him that we will no longer pay any of his bills and if he chooses drugs again he won't be in our daily lives....he will be in my heart forever but I can't go through the pain any longer. You have to do whats good for your family, stick to rules and pray he finds his way. My son is so much happier now and at least once a week tells us how sorry and stupid he was.....I pray things work out for you cause the worrying and pain is sometimes just too much to bear... Big hugs, Bonnie
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Old 05-22-2009, 02:54 PM
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I moved out at age 18 and never lived with my parents again. That wasn't an option I would even consider.

I do think a sober living house can be very beneficial, although I never had that option either.

I got out of rehab and it was straight to work and raising a daughter as a single parent.
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Old 05-22-2009, 03:23 PM
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I have to say, I have never been an addict, and I lived with my parents till I was 22...in this economy, it is a lot harder for young people to find affordable housing, and that's referring to those who have found a job...
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Old 05-22-2009, 04:27 PM
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You've go that right Daisy.....
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Old 05-22-2009, 05:08 PM
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it is a lot harder for young people to find affordable housing,
Yes. Especially when the young people are spending their time and money doing heroin. Mom and dad are a great solution.

What's the next WISE choice for you Dorton, given his recent behaviors?
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Old 05-22-2009, 06:36 PM
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If I knew the next WISE choice as you put it I wouldn't be here now would I??
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Old 05-22-2009, 06:44 PM
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((Dorton))

Obviously, I'm not a parent and haven't been through this, though I am getting a very good idea on the parenting thing with my 15-year-old niece who lives with me. The things I said I would never do if I had a kid, I've done every one of them at least once.

If your gut says to give him another try at home, after you and your husband have discussed it, write down exactly what the boundaries are and what his consequences are. Tell your son that at this point you have little to no trust in him, and don't know when he will regain your trust and he might as well accept it. If he can't handle living where everyone is watching him like a hawk, find somewhere else to live. This is a consequence and he earned it, just as I did.

If your gut says you've had enough, then that's okay, too. Us A's are very good at finding other places to live, they just usually aren't as comfy as home

Either way, you'll have our support.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-22-2009, 07:25 PM
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I read a great book. The main message was that when you can't decide what to do next, do the next wise thing. Sorry if the capital letters offended you. They weren't meant to. Anyway, that is the question I ask myself everytime I am faced with a difficult choice. What is the next wise thing. I don't respond rashly. I think it over.

I think you probably know what is best for your situation and what is going to be the best thing for your son in this difficult time. You are a smart lady. You'll figure it out. I have faith in you.
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Old 05-22-2009, 07:30 PM
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Check this out. I was trying to find the name of the book. But I couldn't remember the author. Anyway, I googled it and I found this instead. Maybe it will help you figure out how to make a wise choice when it comes to allowing your son to live with you.

Top 10 Tips for Making a Wise Decision
1. Identify exactly what the problem is that the decision will solve. Be certain you are addressing the real problem.

2. Ask yourself what goals will the decision further. Will the decision be congruent with your business or life plan? Will it help you achieve your objectives? Will the decision be in line with your values?

3. Establish the criteria for a successful decision. Use a criteria filter to eliminate unacceptable alternatives.

4. Learn everything you can about the problem, but set realistic time limits for gathering information. Acknowledge that you may need to make your decision without having all of the facts and as much time as you would like.

5. Brainstorm. List all alternative solutions you can think of, then create new alternatives. The more you investigate your alternatives, the more ideas that will come to you and the more alternatives you will discover. The more alternatives you have the better your decision will be.

6. Don’t overestimate your abilities. The human brain has a limited ability to assess and compare data, use pen and paper tools to help you compare and evaluate alternatives and predict and compare probable outcomes.

7. Use your intuition to help develop and evaluate alternatives. A good decision-maker uses both the logical left and the creative/intuitive right side of the brain to solve a problem.

8. If your preferred alternative doesn’t feel right, there is probably a good reason. Don’t change your decision based solely on your intuition, but go back and figure out why you feel uneasy about your choice.

9. Make the best decision you can within the limitations of the information available to you and your time frame. You seldom have all the time and information you want.

10. If the decision clearly turns out to be wrong, don’t hesitate to change course. Don’t let your ego interfere; the decision and its outcome are separate. A good decision may have a bad outcome and a poor decision may have a good outcome.

Top 10 Decision Traps to Avoid

1. Plunging into the decision process. Take the time to plan how to make the decision.

2. Overconfidence in your judgment. Don’t fail to collect key factual information because you rely on false assumptions or are unaware of the existence or extent of your biases.

3. Trying to keep all of the information in your head. Write it down; pen & paper and a few simple decision tools will help to keep everything clear.

4. Abdicating your decision to an expert. Determine what facts the expert used in developing his opinion & then decide for yourself if you agree with him.

5. Making a decision under an unreasonable time limit. Rarely are time limits nonnegotiable. Give yourself plenty of time to work through the process.

6. Making a decision based solely on emotion or making a decision while under severe stress or depression. Your judgment, memory and cognitive ability are diminished.

7. Ignoring your intuition and making a decision by just using your brain. If it doesn’t feel right there is a reason. Investigate.

8. Choosing the first alternative that appears to work, the trial and error approach. Keep working, the more choices you have, the better your decision will be.

9. Trying to tackle the whole decision at once. Break the decision making process into steps and work through them in order.

10. Not following through. It is not enough just to decide, you must implement your decision, monitor it and make any necessary corrections.
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Old 05-22-2009, 07:38 PM
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Might an alternative be a half-way/sober house?
I think this is a good option if possible.
It may have been a better idea for him coming out of rehab. I don't know if a half-way house would accept him after a relapse.

Another option....outpatient treatment, and 90 meetings 90 days.
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Old 05-22-2009, 07:39 PM
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Dorton, I think you have been thinking about what may be the next best choice for you. I really like the idea that you did not give a reply right away and that you and your husband are going to discuss it. I also like your thought about asking him what he is willing to do...This isn't your "problem" It is his and so whatever happens, he has the power to make the change.

I understand how difficutl this can be. My daughter lived with us and the first time she went to rehab she wanted to return here. We established boundaries but those boundaries were challenged on and off as she struggled with recovery. Early recovery is tough...it isn't a straight line most times, and being a 19 year old even without addiction can be a challenge. Although every time she slipped she got back up and kept trying (and that was one of our boundaries...she could not stay with us if she wasn't working a program) I was still riding the roller coaster. I was early in my own recovery...just starting Naranon, a few months posting here. Like my daughter, I was green and having my own codie relapses.

Her second rehab we said no coming home - halfway house after rehab. She understood and actually believed it was better for her too. Unfortunately there was a waiting period and she came home to wait for 2 weeks. I wasn't comfortable with the idea, but her counselor thought it best. It really wasn't...

For me, it was easier to say no coming home when she was out of the house than it was to say "you have to leave."

I wish you and your son all the best. I hope his email is the first step to wanting to do whatever it takes to live a clean and sober life. Hugs
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Old 05-22-2009, 07:45 PM
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I'm sorry to come back and bug you again. But I found the book on Google and I wanted to share in case you were interested. The book was called "The Best Question Ever" by Andy Stanley. It completely changed my life; the way I approached my relationship with my ex and my recovery from addiction.

Anyway, I'm pretty passionate about it and I was just sharing what worked for me. :-) whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you and your family.
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Old 05-22-2009, 07:45 PM
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I support my kid when he is walking a good path. Now, that means I've ridden the roller coaster longer than I would prefer because there's been some big bumps along the way. But he's also enjoyed extended clean times. I think its the latter that keeps me in hope, but can sometimes lead to excruciating disappointment.

But I do this because its what I'm comfortable with and not because I feel I have to, or that it will save him from himself. And I know I have only myself to blame if I start taking the clean him for granted and assume all is "better"

I'm a single parent, so my choices are not driving a wedge between my husband and I (I suppose that's one advantage ) I can afford for him to live here, so financial hardship isn't a factor. My biggest, deepest line in the sand is respect for me and my home. No temper tantrums, no verbal disrespect, and he better not EVEN think of keeping me awake at night, for ANY reason. The odd things is I would show him the door in a split second if that occurred.

Probably one of the best things I've gained since coming here is the ability to really look at my motives behind my actions. And, I now know I have "permission" to make choices according to what I feel is right at the time.

If I come to the point where he is no longer welcome, it does not mean I'm a poor parent. If I chose to open my home to him I'm not a poor parent.

As long as I'm honest with myself, I'm OK with my decisions.

(((Hugs)))
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