breakingfree88

Regarding privacy with cell phones, I really think its a generational thing. I'm an Eighties kid and since I've been out on my own (since 17) I've had my own line. Within my social circle, it would be incredibly rude to look through anyone's cell phone...whether its answering it without their permission/request (like when they're in the shower and their mom is calling), looking at their contacts list, reading texts, etc. Its kind of like email. But I think the level of privacy someone has a right to when it comes to email/phones depends on the role of technology in their lives. Someone in their forties didn't grow up with technology so having a cell and keeping that private from everyone is "out of the norm"...where it is the "norm" for my cohort.
My thinking has always been...if I've got to wonder/have to check his cell in order to "trust" what s/he is saying, then something is dead wrong anyway and maybe I should reevauluate the relationship.
Just my humble opinion.
-Holly

GoodKarma

I'm sorry, but I did check his cell phone just to prove a point to myself that all he does is lie. A lot of the names are listed in a type of code. Instead of listing people's names with phone numbers, they were listed by colors. So instead of John, Bill, Tom, they are listed Red, Green, Yellow, or Blueboy etc. with phone numbers There were also eight drug dealers listed in his phone (I'm not going to explain how I know this, but I know). So I snooped one time, I don't regret it. You people can put me down all you want. Sometimes you have to do things you wouldn't normally do to prove that you are not crazy and that you are not going to believe anymore of the lies. I have never checked anyone's cell phone, e-mails or anything else in my life, but I'm not going to say I'm sorry this time. I found out what I wanted to know.

As far as letting him hit his rock bottom, that's not going to happen. His mother will see to it that he always has a soft place to land. She also just bought him his own business. A tattoo parlor and he is not even a tattoo artist, nor does he even have one tattoo!! A crack addict with his own business. Wow! He always comes out smelling like a rose.

Hope87

Hey GoodKarma,

If it helps any, I've done the same things as you. Something happened a few months with my AB that made me think he was on the verge of relapse. I started to put things together that were going on and I also would check his phone everytime he was in the shower and we have the same phone plan so I could check and see what numbers he was contacting and when (also texting). I get now it's not the right thing to do but see in my situation at the time, if I never went through his phone or checked our phone records, I never would have known anything was going on. What I seen through his phone use was the only way I knew he was using. Then it got to the point I wanted to know what he was using and how bad. Well, I never found my ansewers until about 2 weeks ago and I wasn't even playing detective anymore. I came across things when doing his laundry. I don't know if drug led to another or what but now I at least know what it is. I no longer snoop around the house anymore or do anything with his phone. I have no desire anymore because I know for sure it's going on. That was the main reason for playin PI to begin with. But you and I are not the first people to do this and won't be the last. It happens...what can we do.... And though I know it doesn't make any difference...in life...no matter how bad....I would always rather know than not know. Everyone is different...hang in there and good luck

GoodKarma

Yes, anvilhead he is out of my life. I only responded to this thread because it was brought up again by someone.

rayofsunshine

Goodkarma... Sometimes we just need to know... we can't know what we're dealing
with or up against by staying in the dark. Once you're armed with knowledge,
you can then make informed decisions.

One thing I like about this forum is we can all learn from each others experiences. Like the code names in your friends phone... we had a thread here a year or two back that talked about those.. I remember red and green being on the list then. Just little things like this you learn help you to know YOU'RE not crazy or alone in dealing with the craziness of addiction.

BBD

Oh Karma, Hang on~~His mom sounds like she just doesn't fet it yet. Sometimes it takes a while but she will wake up when the bills aren't paid or money is missing from the business. Does she have a hand in it?? Believe me~~the day will come. I was one of those moms and with this site, some therapy and a few meetings I woke up real fast. When someone explains that she can love him to death~~that changes alot of things......Try to get that women some help and stop helping him.....all said in love..Smiles, Bonnie

sojourner

GoodKarma: I'm not one of those who would fault you for looking at his phone. We are dealing with an extraordinary set of behaviors here on the part of the addict. Do we fault someone when they hire a private investigator to check on their spouse? No. And the first thing a private investigator would do is check phone records. When a person acts like a child (lying, secretive, etc) then we have to treat them like a child in order to confirm their stories.

But i think you'll agree, and this is our concern for each other here on this forum, that we do this checking-up type behavior extremely minimally because our background with addicts (many times) has been to get obsessive with it and not really make any decisions about distancing that behavior from our lives. And we all try to remind each other to keep our checking-up type stuff in check - some of us are a little more gentle than others, and some of us on any given day are more gentle with it than other days.

Knowledge is power, and i've learned something new with the color thing on phones...

breakingfree88

GK,
I'm sorry if I came off like I wasn't OK with you checking his phone. I'd be a hypocrite if I said that!! Its totally OK that you did...maybe not respectful of his privacy but sh*t, not like addicts are very respectful to anyone so do they deserve it back?? Anyways all I wanted to say was that when I have that urge/desire to check/"stalk" I just ask myself why I want to and if I should be with someone I can't trust.
I'm glad you're not with him anymore.
How are you??

GoodKarma

I am doing fine. Things get better with time. BBD, I did mention to his mother one time that if she loves him, she should let him fall. She got pretty upset with me so I don't say anything to her anymore. Like you said, she will find out on her own.

jerect

I used to go through my AH's cell phone and cell phone bill every chance I got... trying to prove to him and me that he was lying to me about his drug use (don't know really why though.. cause the proof was already in the pudding about his drug use)

He had tons of one minute and two minute calls... of course they were to drug dealers.. but me looking through his phone constantly and then going over the phone bill with a fine tooth comb was not going to change that fact..

I finally got sick and tired of me.. doing those things were doing me no favors.. Looking through his phone and going through the bill were not going to change the fact that he was a drug addict and it certainly was not going to make him stop.. I mean doing these things became an addiction for me...

So about 6 months ago I stopped looking.. was it hard? Oh my yes, anything that you are addicted to is hard to stop.. but it gave me my joy and serenity back.. I know longer had to worry about what he was doing and who he was calling anymore and it gave me more time to focus on myself..