Powerful Lesson Yesterday
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Powerful Lesson Yesterday
As some of you know from my posts - yesterday i had the pleasure of meeting a female pastor. it was an odd meeting because i was really needing to get in touch with my spirutuality and i just pulled over into a church that i had never been - she wonderfully took time out of her day and talked to me and as HP would have it she had a lot of knowledge and experience with addiction.
After speaking for a while she asked me if i knew what codependancy meant. Well of course i do - its about trying to control other people. She said no - its when you do not have your own identity. When you do not have your own identity your self-image becomes immeshed with other peoples identities. You then live through them so what they do ends up having a direct effect on you. If they do good/so do you, if they mess up/so do you - when they feel pain/so do you - you are afraid they will die because you will too. You are not a seperate person because you dont know who you are.
She explained further that a person develops their own seperate and distinct identity early in life. When a person has their own identity they are able to be strong in their convinctions, other people's actions do not directly affect them, they are centered and decisive. They do not enable others because they know themselves and their boundaries well. If a person is an adult and does not have their own identity they must work hard to develop that - they must find out who they are and discover their sense of self - whatever that may be. She said a person who has their own identity is the same person no matter who they are around or what situations occur in their life - they are consistent and constant.
I listened to her - i stared at the wall and i said "I dont have that." When i think of "who" i am it is a mom, a sister, an employee a friend - its not ME - its about the other people in my life - i help them in an effort to glean some sort of identity for myself. I have become defined by others - my AS successes and failures are my successes and failures. She said she could see this in me - that i didnt know who i was as an individual and that whatever happens with my son i needed to find my own identity. She said i needed to start living MY OWN life and stop living my life through others. That the strength i needed to get through this was not some hard, cold strength that didnt care but the strength of personal conviction and direction - when i finally know who i am then others cannot make me budge and cannot manipulate me. Mostly, that what happens in other peoples lives wont destroy me.
Her nephew was an addict for 15 years - his parents enabled him all that time - it did drive her crazy but she stayed out of it. When he finally decided to get help it was her that he went to because he knew that she was firm and strong and that she would actually be able to help him. He would never think of stepping over her boundaries because she was too strong in her convictions and would never let anyone manipulate her - she knew who she was and so did he.
I just wanted to share that - it may not be your situation - but for me this stranger i never met looked in my soul and couldnt see me there. What she said to me struck me to my core and whatever happens with my AS my real goal is to find out who I am and start living life. I hope that i explained her words well because it was one of those life-changing conversations for me. At the time i was broken - giving in and giving up and through grace was allowed to meet this woman who was able to tell me exactly what I believe God wanted to tell me - that it is time that I became who he created me to be.
After speaking for a while she asked me if i knew what codependancy meant. Well of course i do - its about trying to control other people. She said no - its when you do not have your own identity. When you do not have your own identity your self-image becomes immeshed with other peoples identities. You then live through them so what they do ends up having a direct effect on you. If they do good/so do you, if they mess up/so do you - when they feel pain/so do you - you are afraid they will die because you will too. You are not a seperate person because you dont know who you are.
She explained further that a person develops their own seperate and distinct identity early in life. When a person has their own identity they are able to be strong in their convinctions, other people's actions do not directly affect them, they are centered and decisive. They do not enable others because they know themselves and their boundaries well. If a person is an adult and does not have their own identity they must work hard to develop that - they must find out who they are and discover their sense of self - whatever that may be. She said a person who has their own identity is the same person no matter who they are around or what situations occur in their life - they are consistent and constant.
I listened to her - i stared at the wall and i said "I dont have that." When i think of "who" i am it is a mom, a sister, an employee a friend - its not ME - its about the other people in my life - i help them in an effort to glean some sort of identity for myself. I have become defined by others - my AS successes and failures are my successes and failures. She said she could see this in me - that i didnt know who i was as an individual and that whatever happens with my son i needed to find my own identity. She said i needed to start living MY OWN life and stop living my life through others. That the strength i needed to get through this was not some hard, cold strength that didnt care but the strength of personal conviction and direction - when i finally know who i am then others cannot make me budge and cannot manipulate me. Mostly, that what happens in other peoples lives wont destroy me.
Her nephew was an addict for 15 years - his parents enabled him all that time - it did drive her crazy but she stayed out of it. When he finally decided to get help it was her that he went to because he knew that she was firm and strong and that she would actually be able to help him. He would never think of stepping over her boundaries because she was too strong in her convictions and would never let anyone manipulate her - she knew who she was and so did he.
I just wanted to share that - it may not be your situation - but for me this stranger i never met looked in my soul and couldnt see me there. What she said to me struck me to my core and whatever happens with my AS my real goal is to find out who I am and start living life. I hope that i explained her words well because it was one of those life-changing conversations for me. At the time i was broken - giving in and giving up and through grace was allowed to meet this woman who was able to tell me exactly what I believe God wanted to tell me - that it is time that I became who he created me to be.
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Winnie, Thank you for sharing that experience with us. I could see myself in your shoes, I, too, have always identified myself as mom, daughter, sister, employee, friend....but what about ME? That had to be an awesome experience speaking with the pastor, our God works in such wonderous ways, guiding us, protecting us and teaching us.
Hugs,
Chris
Hugs,
Chris
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Winnie,
I am so glad she helped you at a time you really needed it. You have helped me more then you will ever know. You have so much wisdom on addiction and the teenage mind, and you have helped me understand so much, I am just so glad to know someone was there to do the same for YOU.
I am so glad she helped you at a time you really needed it. You have helped me more then you will ever know. You have so much wisdom on addiction and the teenage mind, and you have helped me understand so much, I am just so glad to know someone was there to do the same for YOU.
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(((Winnie)))
What an awesome post! I, too, have struggled with "who am I?", and am slowly trying to figure it out. My identity has always been linked to someone else or my career, when I was a nurse. What this pastor said, reminds me that it's not selfish to focus on me, because that's the only way I'm going to find out who I am.
I'm so glad you found her, just when you needed to.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
What an awesome post! I, too, have struggled with "who am I?", and am slowly trying to figure it out. My identity has always been linked to someone else or my career, when I was a nurse. What this pastor said, reminds me that it's not selfish to focus on me, because that's the only way I'm going to find out who I am.
I'm so glad you found her, just when you needed to.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Originally Posted by winnie12 
its when you do not have your own identity. When you do not have your own identity your self-image becomes immeshed with other peoples identities. You then live through them so what they do ends up having a direct effect on you. If they do good/so do you, if they mess up/so do you - when they feel pain/so do you - you are afraid they will die because you will too. You are not a seperate person because you dont know who you are.
.
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Winnie What a powerful post. This is ME. And I don't want to be this person any more. I have raised my daughter to the best of my ability and what she chooses to do now is up to her. I want to know who I AM. I can't define who I am thru someone else. When I was younger nothing anyone did or did not do affected me until this horrible disease that my daughter has. Then I lost myself. Now it is time for me to find myself again.
You are really an inspiration to me. Alot of people on this board are my heroes. It shows in your posts. I wish I would have found this site 5 years ago. I wish I would have worked my program harder, for me not for my daughter.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and both of your kids.
I hope for today you have peace.
Hugs
Gotahavfaith
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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That was an awesome post, Winnie. Thank you! Now, you need to do whatever it takes to remind yourself of these truths EVERY day...write down some one-liners, some words of wisdom, post them where you can see them, talk to yourself every day or every time you see yourself in a mirror. These iimportant lessons we learn through pain are the coolest, but we often forget them and go back to our old ways. It's a daily battle, just like it is for the addict...one day at a time. But that feeling you have today, the one that tells you that you have every right in the world to find out what makes YOU happy, is a great feeling to try and maintain one day at a time, isn't it? Aren't you glad you were able to catch a glimpse of true recovery and know it is within your reach? Congrats, Winnie, and way to go for stopping at that church, girl.
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Winnie12, thank you for taking the time to post this wonderful message. It's so sweet to have clarification. For me, timing goes hand in hand with clarification... we don't see, hear or feel what we need to learn until we are ready... and it's a wonderful relief to experience this. Our HP has infinite wisdom and He never ceases to amaze me. 
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Thank you for sharing this. As hard as it is to admit, I know that I have the same problem. I get so involved in what ABF decides to do because I feel like my everything is tied up with what he does. It is a struggle for me to concentrate on what I need. I have to live for myself and make my own decisions. If I fail at something, it is because I failed. I can't blame it on someone else. Maybe it is easier for me to try to take care of other people, and then blame them when things fail. I realize that I have a dependent personality. It is hard for me to make decisions about where to eat, etc. I have a tendency to try to find out what everybody else wants. This is something I am working on. I am working on my career for me. Of course, one of my goals in my career is to help people. But, oh well. I think that I can do that in my career without losing myself. That's something that I am really trying to learn.
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Thanks so much Winnie...I too do not believe it was coincidence.
I think this is a big part of why we talk about focusing on ourselves. As codependents, we are so intwined in living life through others, we don't know how to untangle. As we start to do little things for ourselves, we begin to learn about who we are and what we like and dislike.
I really like how she explained her view that this isn't to learn "tough love." (a term I just do not like at all...To me it sends the wrong message completely. It is not what my recovery is about and I don't need to be mean or cold or tough to be working recovery.) Once we discover ourselves and are true to ourselves, we know who we are and we are strong in our sense of self...there's no need to be tough about it...It just is. Hugs, thanks so much for this post.
I think this is a big part of why we talk about focusing on ourselves. As codependents, we are so intwined in living life through others, we don't know how to untangle. As we start to do little things for ourselves, we begin to learn about who we are and what we like and dislike.
I really like how she explained her view that this isn't to learn "tough love." (a term I just do not like at all...To me it sends the wrong message completely. It is not what my recovery is about and I don't need to be mean or cold or tough to be working recovery.) Once we discover ourselves and are true to ourselves, we know who we are and we are strong in our sense of self...there's no need to be tough about it...It just is. Hugs, thanks so much for this post.
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Winnie, thanks for that really informative post. Sounds like alot of us here. Most moms feel that way. If there child isn't well, then the mom isn't well either. When it comes to my son, I have finally learned to let go. It took me two years of trying to stop him from using, and almost a total nervous breakdown. But, I have learned that his life is not more important than my own.
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Great post. My half-sister and I grew up with an addict mother and neither of us had our own "identity".
Both of us had our identities enmeshed not only with the addict, but with all our HEALTHY family members as well! It has taken a lot of therapy for both of us to even begin to find ourselves as a consequence. Let me tell you, it was hard to not only get rid of that web, but then find out who we were.
It was worth all the work, let me tell you. I am so happy to hear that you have found this wonderful insight, and wish you the best in finding yourself.
Both of us had our identities enmeshed not only with the addict, but with all our HEALTHY family members as well! It has taken a lot of therapy for both of us to even begin to find ourselves as a consequence. Let me tell you, it was hard to not only get rid of that web, but then find out who we were.
It was worth all the work, let me tell you. I am so happy to hear that you have found this wonderful insight, and wish you the best in finding yourself.
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[QUOTE=winnie12;2183252]
After speaking for a while she asked me if i knew what codependancy meant. Well of course i do - its about trying to control other people. She said no - its when you do not have your own identity. When you do not have your own identity your self-image becomes immeshed with other peoples identities. You then live through them so what they do ends up having a direct effect on you. If they do good/so do you, if they mess up/so do you - when they feel pain/so do you - you are afraid they will die because you will too. You are not a seperate person because you dont know who you are.IQUOTE]
Winnie hon, that pastor is 100% correct.... it is exactly what my therapist has said to me as well.
One can develop this, during a time where weakness comes into your soul somehow.... (which directly coincides when we allow negative/unhealthy people into our world).
It's the whole theroy that you attract what you are.. (in some fashion) and then the madness begins....
I have always felt like I didn't need to control the abf, however, I ALWAYS felt that if he didn't get better, or if he left, or if other people wondered what happend with us during a breakup, that somehow it was a reflection on ME!! that is exactly what co-dependancy is.
Since I've been back to school this semester, it's finally starting to change. I don't have the same need to control, nor do I have the same 'worry' tendencies regarding him our our relationship. (do i 'worry' because I love him) yes and I always will---- but it no longer is a reflection on what kind of woman I am, and boy that takes a load off your shoulders.
Are there days that it creeps up- sure, but that is just the beauty of growing and learning.... good days/ bad days.
I pray for you and your son.
You are an amazeing person, who has brought smiles/ and good tears to my eyes many many times. You have always been supporting and loveing. I pray that your baby is ok. and I pray that you keep looking for 'winnie' and that when you find her (outside of being a mom, sister, supporter, etc) that you will have the peace you so much deserve.
Love,
Cess
After speaking for a while she asked me if i knew what codependancy meant. Well of course i do - its about trying to control other people. She said no - its when you do not have your own identity. When you do not have your own identity your self-image becomes immeshed with other peoples identities. You then live through them so what they do ends up having a direct effect on you. If they do good/so do you, if they mess up/so do you - when they feel pain/so do you - you are afraid they will die because you will too. You are not a seperate person because you dont know who you are.IQUOTE]
Winnie hon, that pastor is 100% correct.... it is exactly what my therapist has said to me as well.
One can develop this, during a time where weakness comes into your soul somehow.... (which directly coincides when we allow negative/unhealthy people into our world).
It's the whole theroy that you attract what you are.. (in some fashion) and then the madness begins....
I have always felt like I didn't need to control the abf, however, I ALWAYS felt that if he didn't get better, or if he left, or if other people wondered what happend with us during a breakup, that somehow it was a reflection on ME!! that is exactly what co-dependancy is.
Since I've been back to school this semester, it's finally starting to change. I don't have the same need to control, nor do I have the same 'worry' tendencies regarding him our our relationship. (do i 'worry' because I love him) yes and I always will---- but it no longer is a reflection on what kind of woman I am, and boy that takes a load off your shoulders.
Are there days that it creeps up- sure, but that is just the beauty of growing and learning.... good days/ bad days.
I pray for you and your son.
You are an amazeing person, who has brought smiles/ and good tears to my eyes many many times. You have always been supporting and loveing. I pray that your baby is ok. and I pray that you keep looking for 'winnie' and that when you find her (outside of being a mom, sister, supporter, etc) that you will have the peace you so much deserve.
Love,
Cess
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Wow Winnie, such a great post and it hits home so much! Thank you for sharing.
I too have always linked my identity to something or someone. I am my job title, I am so and so's girlfriend, I am X's daughter, sister. I really never thought of myself just as plain ol' Cate. I think in a way finding Cate scares me because I'm not sure I'd like her. I'm in the throes of entering a new stage in my life and I think it's time I found out who Cate really is.
I too have always linked my identity to something or someone. I am my job title, I am so and so's girlfriend, I am X's daughter, sister. I really never thought of myself just as plain ol' Cate. I think in a way finding Cate scares me because I'm not sure I'd like her. I'm in the throes of entering a new stage in my life and I think it's time I found out who Cate really is.
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Winnie, that was truly a powerful appointed meeting. I'm so glad God sent you there.
That pastor has no idea how many she ministered to that day in that storm. I guess pastors are used to that though Maybe someday you can go back and tell her.
Thankyou for sharing that wonderful providential message. This is officially a sticky in "my journey to find out who I am" journal.
I'm so glad God sent you there. That pastor has no idea how many she ministered to that day in that storm. I guess pastors are used to that though
Maybe someday you can go back and tell her. Thankyou for sharing that wonderful providential message. This is officially a sticky in "my journey to find out who I am" journal.
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