lovemykids

I was just reading 357girls post (Crying for my 18 year old AD) and all of the responses prior to typing my own post. 357girls description of how she was feeling right down to writing her daughter a letter is Exactly what I was going to type in my post. I wrote a letter earlier today to mail out tomorrow to my Ad tomorrow. The ache in my heart came Thursday when while at work I saw pictures of her taken 1 1/2 years earlier while she was on the girls basketball team. The ache in my heart is actually physical, not heart attack pain, it is rather an ache of hurt/physical heart ache/almost hard to breath.

My Ad called a few nights ago and wants to go to this girls house from rehab for her 12 hour outing which the kids at rehab get after being there for a bit. We know this girl and her family and my husband and I feel that it is not a healthy invironment for our daughter to go to. Well, can we say that she is not happy.

The supervisor on duty yesterday called here to let me know that my daughter was not doing very well, she was very angry, rebelious, not showing up for head counts etc...he thought that I could talk to her to help her feel better. I told him that she is angry with her dad and I so I doubted if I could really help her. When our daughter gets mad it is a full blown rage kind of mad. He wanted to try anyhow so I waited while he got her to come to the phone which didn't go well as I had predicted.

I called this morning, not to talk to her but to ask a supervisor how she was and the supervisor working there today said she still wasn't doing very well. The supervisor told me that if my daughter felt sorry about yesterday or wanted to just talk about it without being disrespectful that she would get her to call me and see if that would help but only under those terms. I told her that my daughter was probably still in a rage but if not then ok.

My daughter called and was still in a rage with me she said that she felt that her dad and I were not helping her with regards to her program and that she wasn't going to call for a while, she said quite a few hurtful things to me but I told her that I was no longer going to give her a reason why her dad or I tell her "No" for something as that is just opening up a door for her to be verbally abusive and a bully. I also told her that I do not need to justify myself to her. I told her that if she didn't want to call home for a while then that was maybe a good idea until she can heal and deal with her anger etc..

After our phone conversation that ache in my heart came back, a few tears came too this time, I havn't been able to really cry but the ache in my heart that emotional pain I felt was horrible, I was almost begging God to please make me numb again. Even to breath was hard.

I have come to a decission and that is not to talk to her for a while, might only be for a week, I don't know, if she even calls. We have call display so my husband and her sister can talk to her. I just can't do this anymore, not right now.

She has been lying to us about different things, she was stealing from stores for the past two years. I thought the clothes etc was from money I had given her or from her job or she would say that her friend gave her an article of clothing. I don't know who she is. She even told me that her dr's appointment tomorrow was going to be just her and another girl in rehab going, no supervision......I asked the supervisor about this and he said that is not the case she will be supervised and that she was probably lying about that to get attention.

breakingfree88

lovemykids,
my heart goes out to you. I have been dealing with the same pain, the same heartache that becomes physical. I think its our bodies telling us that we really can't be in the same situation anymore. Its a physical message from us saying that something has to change, and now! I believe we do the best when we listen to that message, like you just have. I'm proud of you and sending all my love and support/positive energy.
To paraphrase of my favorite Biblical verses, 'Weakness may last for the night, but joy will come in the morning.'
Love,
Holly

winnie12

I know how you feel - its like you're getting to know this whole new person - not the child you rasied but some warped version of your child. Good for you for saying no and having the courage not to answer the phone.

One thing i notice is that some of the rehabs seem to try to pull us into a codie role - like thinking you can "make her feel better." that's not your job - that's her job.

I also find their buddy system to be very odd - the kids in my son's rehab are the last people he needs to hang with outside of there and some of their parents - wooowee - i wouldnt ever let him hang out with them. Many parents of those kids have the same problems as the kids so what in the world do they think those parents could offer my child. Some sneak in girlfriends to visitation and say they are "cousins", others will hand the kids cigaretts the second they walk out the door for leave. Apparently, I'm the "only" parent who wont do these things.

hope213

hugs & prayers for you. i am sorry you have to go thru this.

MyJoey

I am so sorry, it hurts so much when our children act like this. Just know your not alone, we are going through this together. Try to keep your mind busy, I know it is easier said then done. When my son was in rehab (only lasted 2 weeks) they had us all write him letters on how his drug use affected each one of us, because he was just not getting it, has the rehab your daughter is in done that? You may want to think about doing that, each and every person that is affected by her drug use. They had him read the letters out loud, at the time his counselor seemed to think it made a big impact on him because he started crying (my son rarely cries) and was really sad the rest of the day. I hope your day gets brighter.

lovemykids

Winnie, I don't understand this shotgun thing either where a child from rehab has to be with another child from there everytime they go out. From what I understand it is so that the child visiting their family can have someone to talk to who understands if they get cravings etc. I am going to call and reconfirm this morning the meaning behind all of that.

Our daughters next outing/pass will be next month I think and that will be for 48 hours. If we do decide to go (depending on AD's behaviour and attitude) it will be a 7 hour round trip. We will either get a hotel for the weekend or drive back home. We are supposed to have an addicted child from rehab with us besides our addicted daughter for that "shotgun" purpose.

You hit the nail on the head when you said about this not being the child we raised but some warped version of our child. Also you are right about some rehabs pulling us into a codie role. I never thought of it that way before but that is just what happened this past weekend.

Our ad will be 18 in only 5 short months, I feel that this isn't enough time but unfortunately time won't stand still even if it were for but a moment. It is going on 7 weeks that she has been in there and after this episode it is like her attitude and outlook went back to the day she entered rehab.

winnie12

so you have your daughter for two days in a hotel room - which means that obviously these two addicts are sharing a room - it would be inappropriate for them to share a room with you and your husband. ummmm - that just sounds like disaster waiting to happen. not to mention that you have to pay for this other child dont you? can you opt out of that buddy system program - or just take them out on day trips instead of taking them to a hotel? I wouldnt want the responsibility of someone else's child - legally that doesnt sound right.

BohemiMamaof3

Sending (((hugs))). You are doing the right thing by not talking to her for awhile.

lovemykids

MyJoey, I hadn't thought about all of us writing to let her know how we feel and have been affected by her drug use/addiction. That is an excellent idea thanks so much.

I need to come here everyday which I have not been, when I was constantly having that numb feeling it was like I was living in an automatic mode, do my daily routine etc, it is hard to describe. Now that the heartache has hit with a vengence I can almost see clearer if that makes sense. It is like all of my emotions seem to flash up before my eyes. I have no choice but to think on how I have to deal/think/cope/take care of the needs of the rest of my family, not just by cooking supper and cleaning the house but by actually living and feeling and being there for them not just a part of me but me as a whole.

lovemykids

Winnie that is exactly what is expected. We pay for the other addicted child as well.

I still have to call the man in charge of the rehab today. I just don't like this whole idea.

winnie12

please make sure that at a mimium the other parents have signed a waiver for this. i can see some parent holding you legally responsible if something happened to their child while they are with you. It honestly makes no sense to me - i've never heard anything like this with minors.

lovemykids

I have to call back tomorrow as the man in charge and my ads case worker are not in today but I did ask a couple of other supervisors.

From what I have been told today is that yes, it is mandatory for the kids in rehab to do this shotgun thing. The lady who answered the telephone before transfering me to another supervisor said that they all do it so that they are not all alone.

When I was transfered to another supervisor and asked him about if the other childs parents had to sign a waver etc he said no that this shotgun thing is really not all that complicated. Then he said maybe he shouldn't be talking to me about that and to call back tomorrow and talk to our ads case worker.

So I will call back tomorrow and get the details. It just all doesn't make sense to me.

Thanks winnie for bringing up the waver, I would not have thought about that.

outtolunch

It made me very uncomfortable when you first mentioned this buddy outing thing. It just does not feel right, especially considering the age.

Sounds to me like you made a good decision.

Angelic17

Lovemykids, I know the feeling of pain and heartache that your speaking of. Nothing hurts more than watching our children hurt themselves. Addiction has alot of ugly features that go with the disease. Lying, stealing, fighting,abuse,trouble with the law, amongst other things. This thing with taking another kid out of rehab is a crock of $hit. You have no obligation to take another child in your car or any where else for that matter. You do not have to do anything you don't want to do. I'm thinking the kids pulled that one off. I never heard of a rehab doing such a thing. You might need to put your daughter in another rehab, far away from this girl and her family. She is the girl that your daughter was originally using drugs with, Correct???? Put your foot down, and say NO. I am picking up my child, and that's it. Well, we have all been where you are, and we are all praying for your girl. Hang in there, at least she is in rehab. Some kids are still out there using, and killing themselves. Let us know how things turn out. We are all here for you. From one mom to another. I can honestly say, I understand your feelings. God Bless You, and your family. I wish you all a healing.

Serenity Bound

I really don't understand this buddy thing, doesn't sound right to me. And definitedly not without a waiver from the other parent. When my AD was in rehab, they didn't want the addicts to get TOO friendly with each another. Just seems strange to me.