suzieq1972

I would have to say, I don't agree with this.

I feel like sometimes I need to hear something harsh. It may be those harsh words that finally snap me out of whatever funk I'm in. Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes it only sounds harsh because it really hits home and I know I've been doing the wrong thing and I haven't been able to accept it.

I know this has been said a hundred times, if not a thousand times before, on this site...take what you like and leave the rest.



Sue

Yesterdaysnumb

You can say whatever you'd like to say. It's just the delivery of it that makes the difference! The purpose of the thread is to bring together what seems to be seperating us on this portion of the board.

Even if we all don't agree. We can agree to disagree.

Yesterdaysnumb

I hope we have something like that where I live!

Yeah it's about perspective. And I have the answers Kitty, I'm just trying to build up enough strength to carry out what I know needs to be done!

cessy68

alrighty then.....

so here is my take on all of this. I do agree that people are afraid to post. I don't happen to be one of them (as you know by my openess... however, there have been times that i have been hesitant to speak, because I was worried i'd be condemed to the codie -ie, you are an idiot land.)

Here is the thing- we all have DIFFERNT experiences and lives. Some are done with it, some are in it, some healed, some are bitter.

Let's have EVERYONE be honest with themselves.

I know I am.

I ADMITT, that I stay out of 'fear, rejection'....

I know why I act/react..... sometimes I post, becasue I don't LIKE my thought processes, and want SUPPORT on a differnt way to act/react, WORDS OF WISDOM on how to move forward.

I work with a 20plus year recovered alcoholic/addict. HE IS BITTER AND ANGRY TO THIS DAY- HE REFUSES TO SEE OR AKNOWLEDGE THIS--- any time someone is late to work or tired, he actually accuses them of being hungover. PEOPLE CAN BE PLAIN OL TIRED and be late....

He is bitter and ASSUMES that if you aren't a recovered addict... if you haven't found god... etc. that you must be doing SOMETHING - that would make you lazy, late for work etc.

at times, when you hear people talking about 'a great night out'- he will break up the conversation- and force people to 'get to work' with an angry tone....

If they were talking about a football game, soccer game, or a basketball game, the conversation wouldn't have been ceased by him and his BITTER words.

I see some of the same things here.... frankly. Sometimes I hear bitterness, not healed speaking here.

You could say, Gee, my addict came home last night and feed the dog. He then fell asleep and didn't go to the movies with me. I was dissapointed. a TYPICAL response would be in BOLD... and big letters....

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT YOU????? WHY ARE YOU FOCUSING ON HIM???

Isn't it ok. to just say that YOU were DISSAPOINTED?? Isn't it ok to give someone support, and say, "hey I've been there. I remember having to go it alone... I used to wait for him, and I realized that I had to start doing these things by myself. ....... etc.

to me that is more supportive. and to ME it sounds like someone would be giving healed solid advice.

I hope that I made sense here with my rambeling.

Cessy

teke

HI, im a ra married but seperated 23yrs to a ra and i agree with kia. i do understand how you feel though, at times i've felt the same way. one day it was like a lightbulb went on in my head, then i began to understand this recovery thing in an even different light. i came to believe that these people not only cared for me and my kids but my addict too.

as hard as it has been for me to hear some of these responses, i realize today that sometimes what i didnt agree with or wanted to hear, was what literally help saved my sanity.

i believe that the enemy operates out of fear and that fear held me captive for so long. someone told me once, in order to move forward, i may have do what i need to do afraid. imo, there are no right or wrong answers, its whats best for each individual. we are all learning together.

i came here looking for help for my addict but i soon found out how much help i needed for me. dont no if this makes sense but because of all our suffering, most of us are so eager to help the next to not to suffer as much as we have.

living in addiction is hard for all involved. for me to get sober and to keep that strong desire to stay sober, it took some real tough love from my friends and family. true, while active, i thought my love ones were the meanest people on the face of the earth for not helping me but today, i'm eternally gtateful that my hp gave them the strenght to let me suffer the consequences of my actions, to let me fall by myself.

i'll keep you and yours in my prayers

Yesterdaysnumb

It's okay if you don't agree. All I'm saying is that some people don't need the "virtual 2x4's" to snap back into reality. Some people can do it with compassion, understanding and love. That's all.

Yesterdaysnumb

You are soooo right.

I had to break out laughing though at this part...

"You could say, Gee, my addict came home last night and feed the dog. He then fell asleep and didn't go to the movies with me. I was dissapointed. a TYPICAL response would be in BOLD... and big letters....

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT YOU????? WHY ARE YOU FOCUSING ON HIM???"

lmao And the part about the boss is hilarious!

This is how I feel when people attack someone on the board Like :wtf2

winnie12

Yes but it was after we split. Very good book and if/when i have another relationship it would be good for me to re-read it. The thing is while i was married i was blinded by my love for him so much that i couldnt see that he wasnt the man i thought he was and he had no desire to be the man that he could be. I just kept cleaning up after him - i spent 11 years running in circles trying to keep everything going and waiting for the next bomb that he was inevitably going to drop on me. I realized after he left how freakin tired i was - just tired in my soul from being so responsible for so many things and so many people. I'm still recovering from all those years and for now just enjoying being single very much.

My son's dad told me many years ago that he never worried about me becuase if i needed or wanted anything in life that i would always figure out a way to get it. Sounds like a compliment but its not because this is kinda how i think the men in my life have seen me - as someone who can always work it out on her own - not someone that they need to ever help or contribute to. So they felt free to take and take and never gave back anything but words.

hello-kitty

and what's that YN?

laurie6781

First, I am probably one who 'ruffles' your feathers, lol.

I'm going to share a bit here, so you can see where I am coming from.

I drank for 24 years (and used drugs), 22 of those alcoholically. My family, my husband, they all did EVERYTHING they could to 'help me in recovery.' What they did was help me towards my grave. Sure I worked during those years, most of them, made good money, but was getting worse and worse by they day.

In January of '79 when I was 33 1/2 years old they said NO MORE. I was already separated from H. If I called on the phone, they would hang up, if I came to the door it would be closed in my face and if I tried to steal from them they would call the police.

It took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery and the last year and a half I lived on the streets. I found recovery on June 7, 1981.

Those ACTIONS were the BEST thing that my family EVER DID FOR ME!!!

On June 7, 1984 again married my AA sponsor insisted I start attending AlAnon immediately. I did.

Now here is what I have found, with ALL who I have worked with and watched. Those, that are no longer enabled IN ANY WAY, yes even making a Dr's appointment, and are forced to face ALL of the consequences of THEIR ACTIONS seem to find recovery much much more often than those that receive all the 'loving' attention. I won't deny that some get here, as that one member posted through the 'loving' attention. They seem to be far and few

Alcoholics/addicts live in denial and the the slightest show of 'care' or 'concern' for them tells them (in their own head) gee I am loved, I'm not as bad as others, it will be okay, etc etc etc

Go talk to some Rehabs, and Treatment Centers, the Majority will tell you that they don't want to talk to the family, loved ones, or friends of the addict, they want the Addict to do the inquiries, to make the EFFORT to show they are serious. Most counselors and therapists will tell you that those that do that seem to have a BETTER chance of finding recovery.

The show INTERVENTION takes some of the worst cases, and what the counselors usually say, is the Intervention is to bring their 'BOTTOM' to them. Those interventions are just what my family did for me, DO or DIE.

You know in my early recovery I heard TWO things that have stuck with me for almost 28 years nows:

"If I baby you, I will bury you."

"I will risk your friendship to save your life."

I am so so grateful that there were people in my life, both while I was still using, and after I got into recovery that were willing "to risk my friendship to save my life" even though I didn't want to hear it.

What we share, or at least what I share is my own Experience, Strength and Hope, in the hopes that I can keep even ONE more person from having to go through the h*ll I have been through. I also have to say, that recovery from bing a codie, and yep, I still want to get in there and 'fix it' now and then, roflmao but usually don't, has been harder than my recovery from my addictions.

This is also cyber space and we cannot 'see' each others faces, see the body language, and ................................. depending on where we are at the moment we read someone's post can take the post entirely opposite of what was intended.

So, with all of the above being said, this is about YOU not him. Take care of you. Figure out what YOU want for YOU (besides his sobriety, lol). Figure out YOUR BOUNDARIES and how YOU want to live YOUR life. These are really "MUSTS" for you, as I suspect your Roller Coaster ride is going to continue and get worse.

There does come a time with about 99% of us when the "we" comes out of the equation, and one has to take care of one's self.

It's sad, very sad that addiction affects as many as it does. I have heard it said that for every addict/alkie their are 20 more people around them affected. Personally I think that number is low, but that is J M H O.

Remember, with all the posts you still have the CHOICE to take what you can use right now and leave the rest. Later, some of the 'rest' may start to make more sense also.

J M H O

I hope for your sake that you continue to post how YOU are doing, as we do care very much and as not only I but many of us know IT IS A VERY FINE LINE BETWEEN SUPPORT AND ENABLE.

Love and hugs,

Yesterdaysnumb

Me too! My husband complains of feeling inadequate. I blame it on his addiction. But of course it's because I'm too busy doing everything of any importance so he doesn't mess something up. My motto: If I only depend on me, no one will disappoint me. Not a good look I know.

Yesterdaysnumb

A lot. I mentioned them before as the steps I'm taking toward detachment.

hello-kitty

Oh. I must of missed the post that you were taking specific steps towards detachment. I would love to see that. Maybe you can boost it to the top of the page and give us a status on how it's going.

MrsMagoo

I feel like I'm hijacking.

The meeting tomorrow is with AH's substance abuse counselor in the treatment facility and AH. It's an appointment and I believe the jest of it is to explain to me what they are doing to him and why - what to expect as far as how they are detoxing him off his benzo meds (which he never abused but is suffering huge withdrawals from) - post acute withdrawals - some family dynamic stuff and I'm sure to encourage Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.

I have some things I want to say to make very clear in the presence of the counselor so that if there is any backlash about my role or my expectations, they can be addressed while in treatment.

I LOVE my Celebrate Recovery meeting. We have a nursery for the children and they have a blast and we can do our thing. It's a long night but so worth it and everybody is so supportive and loving. We talk alot about the good things that are going on our lives in spite of whatever our issues are and you're right, it's for food addicts, people with depression, alcoholics, physically and/or emotionally abused people - basically anyone with a hurt, habit or hang-up. These meetings are a nice alternative to secular meetings. The still do the 12-steps and traditions but the biblical principals are correlated. Plug, plug.

hello-kitty

So how's it going? Are you moved yet? Has he fought you over the car? Is more daycare situation helping you detach or is it giving him more freedom to do as he pleases? Do you have any consequences lined up should he not fulfil your expectations?

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

I don't think you're hijacking. I'm glad you posted

winnie12

You and I are very much alike. We are strong and capable women. My husband said i made him feel like a child. but that's not true - he made himself feel like a child because he wasnt acting like a responsible man. IMO, sometimes weak men are drawn to women like us - it may be weakness in character or it may be weakness like an addiction. I asked a counselor once why these men are attracted to me and he said the question is why are you attracted to them? see - he's responsible for himself but if i put myself in the position of being responsible for him because of my controlling nature then i'm not allowing him to step up to the plate. When we stop taking care of them they either sink or swim - one way or another they hit bottom. No one gets better until they hit "their" bottom - that means your husband and you. I think the key here is that you havent hit your bottom and a lot of us online have.

I used to complain that no one helped with the dishes. so they started helping. then i complained that they didnt load the dishwasher right so they stopped helping. so i had to determine if i wanted the unconditional help or did i want it done my way. now i realize that as long as the dishes are clean it doesnt really matter how they got that way.

Ann

As someone who has been a member of SR for 7 years, let me say that nobody should be afraid to post here, and I am aware of none who are.

As Jon, the founder of this site, often pointed out...we are here for one of two reasons, to receive help or to offer it.

The thing is, recovery varies in each of us, just as our personal experiences vary and where some may have many years of recovery that is working well in their life today, others still struggle and it is only by walking together sharing our light that each one of us can learn from the other.

I learn from each newcomer who walks in the door because they remind me where I came from and how scary that dark place was and make me grateful that I never have to go there again. In turn, I hope that by sharing my experience, strength and hope, that they may decide that they want what I have and that they will do what is necessary to get it, by going to meetings and learning to work a 12 step program that literally saved my life.

Rather than quarreling over our differences, we learn to embrace our diversity and only then can we grow.

On this thread and the one that preceded it, I have seen questions raised by the original poster that were well answered by members and yet not well received perhaps. We are each entitled to take what we want and leave the rest, that's how this program works. For me it works best, when I keep an open mind and listen to those who may annoy me most because they are often the ones who have nailed the truth, whether I am prepared to face it or not.

That said, I think this thread has served it's purpose and need not be left open to debate whether anyone is afraid to post or not.

Let's each put our energy to better use and welcome the next newcomer who walks in the door.

Thank you all for understanding.