Just got back from court, feeling hopeless prayers please.

Old 07-16-2008, 12:58 PM
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Just got back from court, feeling hopeless prayers please.

I'm sorry- I need to vent- and would appreciate some prayers, I'm feeling hopeless today.

I don't post here, often. Fear, but at least right now I am tired, I am tired of living in fear. Being in hiding. It feels hopeless- like, oh heck.. do whatever you're going to do, just get it over with.

Long story short- I have full legal and physical custody- an ofp for myself and our children. When they say- temporary then eventally teminally insane, they are not kidding.

It took me a long time to accept it, accept him. Some parts denial, others- well as they say, the wife is the last to know. Amazing what I didn't know about him, until I had completely detached.

I can't explain- (no doubt, here I don't need to)
That feeling and the effects on a person- when someone you love- who says they love you- who you trust.. does what addicts do. It rocked our world. Affected every aspect of it- We got through that.. walked through that.
He is an addict.. sick. Nothing can or does make sense..
Can't depend or expect anything from him but, confusion.. insanity.
We are... sick and tired.. sick and tired of being sick and tired and scared..

But.. I have lost all faith not in him- lost faith in this society. The laws, mean nothing.. There are no consequences. I even hate that they even exsist- because the "normies"- they do not have a clue.. They see the laws, read the news and they believe- someone is doing something.

I have had my ofp for a year.
He breaks it.. nothing happens. I have spent over 18 days this year, going to court. He just gets more time... delays.. need to get an attorney (never does).. wrong address.. No shows. Reschedule.. Reschedule.
But.. we have to go- make that victim statement...
Then there were... all the other days..
Court ordered.. guardian ad lidem.. Multiple meetings.. information they needed.. Nuts- the kids had to meet with them.. She had to do.. home analysis.
Then there were the calls- investigators.. They need information from me.
I'll bet that was at least, 20 more meetings.

So- even though he currently is a felon.. has felony warrents in another state (hell no- they will not pay to extradite him and imprison him there)
He currently has a bench warrent (body only) for failure to appear (again- this is the second one in just this county.

My Ofp was expiring... so I had to renew it- A day waiting to be seen last week.. Hearing this morning.
I was so relieved- at least it would be over.. for now.. I hate- just hate- having to recite- what happened.. It is like reliving it all over again. It makes me sick.. physically sick.. depressed- sad- and yes.. afraid. Damn I am afraid to drive down to the courthouse... I am afraid to be in the same room.
He scares me!!

So- this morning.. I thought.. at least it will be over, this part of it for one more year.. I can focus on today, live in today- not the past.
I need to Work!!! I was a stay at home mom- restarting work, and it sure is not as easy as when I was in my 20's!! Dear God- this past year.. does anyone know of any employers that don't mind that their new employee- needs to take off 30 plus days a year?? That is not one child sick day or vacation day!! High maintinence.. EX??

I was excited..
OOPS!! Again.. no hearing.. They can't serve him.. no known address.
(oh hell just call the other county- who has done this big "investigative" analysis on him- your courthouses are all of 4 miles apart!! NO!! I don't know where he is!! I have no contact with him!!

So.. there is another court date to go to in a month.. Another day of no working.. another day to arrange babysitting. Another day when I am anxious, scared and trying to "act" and pretend everything is okay.
Denial.. it's not, I'm not, my kids are not.

Oh heck- I can't help it.. I'm back there again. I have no faith in the legal system. The policemen, the lawyers or the courts. I am back to- our only hope is if he does get sober and into recovery.

Detach from him?? Oh heck, children do not have the legal right to detach- to say "no". Frankly it's not dependant on us. It is dependant on him.
It all just gets so darn crazy.. and I don't know what to do anymore.
There don't seem to be any "right" choices.. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I think it was easier, when I didn't ask for help. Didn't admit I was afraid.
For those that pray- could you please say one for me and my kids- heck their father.
Sorry for the whiny.. depressing.. yucky post. But thanks for letting me get it out.. Soon I have to put on the happy face, and pretend that everything is just fine.. act normal.. like nothing happened today.
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Old 07-16-2008, 01:31 PM
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Oh my gosh! I cannot imagine what you are going through. All I can do is say lots and lots of prayers your way. it takes a remarkable person to deal with this. You sound remarkable to me.
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Old 07-16-2008, 01:43 PM
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It must be awful - hang in - hopefully your HP has some solution in mind - I certainly don't!

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
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Old 07-16-2008, 01:58 PM
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awwww, sweetie, I'm sorry this just keeps dragging on for you. Like Anvil said, there should be someone you can get to back you up on all this nonsense! We have hotlines for the major TV stations. I can't think of anything else, right now...taking cold medicine and majorly sleep deprived.

The one thing is, though, good for you for doing what you can. It sounds like the legal system needs some major work where you are, but at least you are doing what you can to protect you and the kids.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 07-16-2008, 02:56 PM
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This is probably a dumb idea but what if you called a women's shelter and told them this story? Maybe they have resources you haven't found yet...Also the news thing sounds good because I'm sure once it is in the spotlight everyone who has shoved you to the side will be scrambling to help!
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Old 07-16-2008, 02:57 PM
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Hi SL.... big hugs to you. I have gone through all you have experienced with the courts, guardian ad litem, delays, no shows, reschedules, trying to work and deal with all the mess, home investigations, meeting after meeting... you are so right and it is not fair especially for the kids.

I wish I could tell you that there is an easy answer but in the part of the process that you are in, it is a "last man (woman) standing" game and it is sheer grit and determination that will give you the endurance to make it through. You must outlast everyone and every system that is working against you and your children... that is what it will take so that the "table is turned" and you and the kids will have peace...

Although the process at this point is very much influenced by his irresponsible and irrational thinking and behaviors, the outcome is in your hands and rests in your ability to demonstrate endurance and fortitude. I encourage you, from one mom who has very much been in your shoes to another, gather your strength and find your courage.

You have not been forgotten and you are not all by yourself in this war... but, dear sister, be aware that each battle in the war for peace and freedom from the opression and fallout of your addict is one step closer to a final outcome; for the sake of your children you must prevail. You are right to call it what it is and not to underestimate the reality and importance of each situation/ battle you face.

The chain of sickness and disfunction can be broken and you are the one who can give yourself and your children the opportunity to springboard into life from a healthy place.

Endurance... I encourage you to look out from the fallout, mess and debris from the skirmishes and battles you are dealing with and keep on fighting for your children as if their lives depended upon it (their lives do depend on it). Remember that vision of the peaceful life you want and keep your heart's eye focused on that; do not settle for less; use a strategic approach to solve your problems; use endurance as a tool to obtain resolve with the legal situation and know that the "last mom standing" will prevail...

If I can do it, you can do it.
If you can do it, I can do it.

Hang in there, SL, you are a good mom and loving person... that love force that makes you love your kids so much that you are willing to put your life on the line for them... that is the "fire in your belly" that will help you find the endurance you will need for the coming months. Please do not give up or settle for anything you are remotely uncomfortable with... it is worth it to reach out, find allies that can help strengthen your cause (bettering the lives of you and your children), and work your plan to rebuild your lives.

(((((((((((great big bear hug)))))))))))))))))
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Old 07-16-2008, 03:40 PM
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Thanks guys- whew.. what is it?? It's when people are nice- that I cry.
I don't feel remarkable though- I can't help but think I have to be doing something wrong. That if I only knew what to do- and did it..

Advocates- long story short.. My first domestic abuse advocate, who also knew me somewhat personally (kids sports).. Well aware of the story- ex's "girlfriend" (cw)- had threatened to kill me. (I am the fault of all her problems- if she only knew how many times I had tried to have her busted!!) Anyway- serious threat, brother is currently in prison for 30 some years for murder. She has a long rap sheet.. alias.. But turns out.. MY Domestic advocate- was also advocating HER!! My safe place.. and that is where she is.
New advocate and center (obviously)-
I am in a "special" program for those being stalked.. Another time.. filled with hope. OOPS!! Heck because it is in another county from the two counties I currently have to go to court in- They can't even attend. I also found out things... like this.
Amber Alerts?? In this state they will not do an amber alert if it is "relative" related-

As for the groups there. Oh dear- I am fortunate, so fortunate. Thank you for reminding me. The ex's "disease" is well progressed and documented by the courts.. Lots of arrests just no jail time. Not everyone else is so fortunate..

The news? I have emailed them.. called them.. Oprah??
My son?? "mom, no doubt when/if he does kill someone, they will be camped out on the lawn. Front page news.. The police, the news shows with all their shrinks will want to talk to you- the phone will be ringing off the hook, with people trying to figure out why and what happened."

Oh heck- I am usually a very private person. At one point I actually wanted to be on reality tv- sure bring the camera's in!! Thinking that if others knew.. then someone would do something or do what they said they would. Denial... Denial.. it would be harder for *others* to be in denial.
System is very broken is simply what it is.
I do believe the majority of people don't know it. So can't believe it. I was one of them once. I just didn't know how the laws and court systems really work.
I know I am far from the only one..
In fact, when he pulls something new and I am shocked.. or something new happens in the court system.. The prosecuters.. police.. advocates.. are not at all surprised. They just shake their heads and say, he knows how it works and how to work it.
Hello?? anyone feel like letting me in on it??

Thanks all- I appreciate your replys- meant a lot. Just a relief to be honest- those secrets are killers!!
Hey impurrfect- please pass over the @#&@ cough medicine!! (humor)
Now, it's not such an act- I can see the kids and the rest of the world and I don't feel so darn lousy. Don't know if or what God can or will do- but thanks for caring and taking the time to reply. (I'm still not giving up on the news as advocates)

Kids- I was typing when your post entered.
I'm going to print it and put it on the mirror. I can't really express it. That feeling of- it must be me, I am not doing something right, I am missing something.. Will I look back and be shocked- be filled with, the should've, would've, could've's?? The I must be crazy's- this doesn't happen...
Thanks for sharing your experience- hope and strength. The last man/mom standing..
Just yesterday I was giving my son one of those, you have to hope- have to dream- have to keep trying. Can't give up..
And me?? A few hours later..
I was also getting into very stinky thinking.. Maybe if I didn't renew that ofp.. didn't say "no"- heck he would quit...
Nope- I'm powerless over him.. Just myself.

By the way- I really appreciate any ideas and input- no such thing as dumb.. Heck.. sometimes we do the same things in a different way.. different people.. or different times. I don't want my post to give anyone the idea that my experience is everyones- or that something doesn't work. I don't regret a single thing that I tried- even if the result wasn't what I wanted or needed. I know that I tried.

Last edited by StillLearning1; 07-16-2008 at 04:00 PM.
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Old 07-16-2008, 05:02 PM
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Hi StillLearning, I'm so glad you decided to go ahead and post instead of hiding any longer... Not that I can add anything particularly helpful but I just wanted to tell you that the way you're parenting your kids through this is wonderful. They're lucky that you are helping them to stay positive while remaining realistic about the situation. I hope for the best possible outcome for all of you.
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Old 07-16-2008, 05:38 PM
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Oh SL - I am sooooooo sorry that today was such a horrible bust. You have gone through so much and you keep on keeping on. You are an awesome and terrific woman and we are all going to love you through this. You've caught every bad break along the way but it's not YOU! Repeat after me - it's not you!!!!!! Your spouse got caught up in a horrible addiction with the devil's drug and it has infiltrated your life in so many tough ways. I hate it for you and for your sweet sons. I wish that there was something I could say or do that would help - just remember that you are loved.

My laptop is screwed up and hopefully will be working again by tomorrow. Need to close before it shuts down on me and I lose this message.

Just know that I am thinking of you and sending love and prayers.
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Old 07-16-2008, 06:54 PM
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Still Learning

I don't know where you live, but if you lived where I do, they would have his butt in prison so fast you wouldn't have time to say YOUR HONOR!

I live in Lake County and the slogan here is, COME TO LAKE COUNTY ON VACATION, LEAVE ON PROBATION!

The smaller the community the stricter the rules! If you live in a big county, they are more leinient!

I remember making thousands of court appearances in a big county to get grandparents rights. Got them, but she never complied, and the court did nothing!

All I can say at this point is hang in there 'cause it will come to a head soon.

Prayers coming your way.

Hugs, Devastated
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Old 07-16-2008, 08:16 PM
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Hi SL-

You are very right in your assessment of the usefulness of media in your very real situation; exposure of this kind of reality does not sell papers or cause people to stay tuned in on their TV sets. As you said, the only "somebody" that can make a difference in your situation is you. Public exposure of your story would end up being damaging for your children in the long run as well, on many levels, so you are wise to keep yourselves away from the 3 ring circus of the "public eye" and being used as money bait for the betterment of media.

I am also a mom that has gone through shelters and the programs that are designed for protection of those who need it. During that time, my location was given to the person who was seeking me and the children inadvertently by a caseworker. When I found out that he knew, after I initially freaked out I decided that I was not put on this earth to mother two disabled children, only to have my life jeopardized by someone like the man I was dealing with. I changed my method of dealing with the situation and decided that the only way I could break the cycle was to face things head on and be the last mom standing.

This was one decision I have not regretted.

It took seven years of harassment from the ex, courtdates rescheduled, years of magically lost court documents (by the last hearing I ended up having to carry a crate in with copies of everything just in case another document was "lost"), and hearings that did not seem to go my way but in the long run worked in my favor, and bull**** legalities to finally reach a resolve... when I walked out of the final hearing I was the last mom standing... until I reached my car then I boo-hooed like a baby

Anyway, SL, not that my story is your story, but I just want to encourage you to keep a good head on your shoulders; that if you are strategic and methodical in your approach with the courts, you will be speaking their language and you will help your case.

Hysterical, stressed out mom's are a dime a dozen. Those who walk through fire and press on, give to their children and others with a humble and gracious servant's heart, become involved in helping others in a healthy way as we help ourselves... well that brings healing to our hearts and our homes. It just so happens that these kinds of things get noticed by the courts as well... especially when years pass and you have kept your composure, improved yourself and the kids in a measurable way, and he is still carrying on like he always has. This is one way to be the last mom standing.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-17-2008, 04:44 AM
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No words of wisdom here, but lots of love, hugs and prayers.

I know you think this will go on forever, but somehow, someway, I know your HP has a plan in all of this, to bring you through.

Hang on, SL. Your HP is in this and working.

Hangin' In
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Old 07-17-2008, 08:41 PM
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If I could edit the subject line I would add.
then I posted on SR and someone there must have a magic wand!!

No change in ex, courts etc.. to update you on. But for all those who posted, thought of us or said prayers, today was a good day!! I had to go to one of those mom/kid functions tonight, full of people with "normal" lives. My smile wasn't plastic. Okay, now don't laugh too hard but I think I was the most relaxed mom there!!
Have to admit, before I left, I came here to get grounded. Thought of you all as I walked in. Mid-evening I thought of that phrase, "Last mom standing" (I love that line) and I'll bet my eyes even twinkled.
That's my update guys. At least for today, I'm done whining and crying! Just want to thank you!!
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Old 07-17-2008, 08:52 PM
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Well heck, hugs to you. You sure don't sound like you're "Still learning" you sound like you know where you're going and you're going to get there!

From the way I understand it is, the squeaky wheel gets the oil, so you just keep complaining away to the authorities, and I bet they'll do something...of course it will be in their time, but in the meantime, you keep coming here, we sure can understand your frustration.

I'm glad today was a good day for you..
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