Barbara52

A game you can put a stop to any time you are ready to do so. Not answering the phone works real well for me.

SugarLily

Deja vu.

However you spell it.

It's nice to feel needed isn't it? I used to love that, he needed me, I can save him! Everyone will admire just how much I cared and how I managed to turn him around.

We can't. Only he can. Without his backup (you) hopefully he will be able to sort himself out. If he can't - it isn't your fault - you haven't failed him. He's failed himself.

Start thinking about number one. You.

hbb

I'm a bit confused....are you two together or not?

Sounds like you both feed off of what the other is doing or not doing, it's a viscous circle and not healthy.

Cupicake

Figure....I'm back again to interject on your thoughts a bit....

(This is said out of concern)

Have you asked yourself..."Does it matter whether or not he has the phone off or if it's disconnected?" He's still avoiding your calls. He's still not letting you in on what's going on with him. I know that sometimes you just need to know so that you can base your decisions on something. I'm not telling you what to do or what not to do. As I always say...you have to walk your own path...more than likely you will spiral out of control in your attempt to find some kind of control in this situation like most of us have done. But also ask yourself....in the end will any of the answers you are seeking matter? He knows that you are "freaking out". Right now, it doesn't matter to him. He's not concerned about how you are feeling about all of this. In my opinion...that is no way to treat someone you love.

I can still remember all of the things I have done and I don't want to ever forget because my memories of the horrors I went through keeps me grounded and committed to staying out of the drama and chaos.

LucyA

And that wont change unless you do something to change it. You're worth way more than a bit part in someone elses 'common story'. Have a go at writing your own story, see where you can get yourself.

kj0975

Does it matter!!!

Momsrainbow

He can just turn it offor maybe has not paid the bill. Also, works the same with a Cingular phone. If it is prepaid-he is out of minutes.

AH used to turn it off and say he never got a message. Right-phone was off so no message could be left. Solved that problem quick-I quit calling and I did not answer his calls and turned the recorder off. Then I had the phone completely turned off. No more stress and worrying about a phone call!!!!

You are going to make yourself sick with worry and it simply is not worth it. Been there, done that-intensive care is not a fun thing!!!! Easy to say now-but I was a total mess last year. It gets easier, life gets better and then better and then better!!!!!!! Just takes time, patience and setting boundries!!!!!!!!!

Give the darn phone calls a BREAK!!!!!!!! You will feel better and they will wonder what you are up to.

LucyA

I sometimes forget that what doesn't matter to me now was the end of my world six months ago. I had to relearn what matters and what doesn't and get things into perspective. Some of us take a little longer.

hello-kitty

I never wished he wouldn't answer the phone. I wished there was a reason (besides drugs) why he wasn't answering the phone - besides drugs. Sometimes I wished there was a serious problem - an accident or something. A real reason for not answering my calls or showing up when he said he was going to. I wished for there to be any reason except the real reason - that he was busy getting high and he didn't want to talk to me.

I never called the police either... because I knew the truth. Unfortunately, it was always going to be drugs over me.

I didn't want to take second place to drugs anymore so I stopped calling him and moved on. I focused on my life, my goals and finding someone who cared about ME and didn't use drugs.

hbb

Your getting some really GREAT advice here. I posted in your other thread about this subject earlier. I was the same exact way. I FREAKED all day/night long. I was out of control, not with the calling but with the "what if's". It's a waste of time, believe me. I absolutely know it's easier said than done but try to work on YOU Everyone goes at their own pace.

Let's play devils advocate for a minute, what happens when you do talk to him for however long, then you hang up and the cycle continues and you don't hear from him. Then what?

What is going to change from talking to him this one time? Will you then be ok for however how long you don't talk till the next time? Just something to think about.

kj3880

Umm, I hate to be the one to say this, but I went through this 5 years ago and was devastated. I read Codependant No More by Melody Beattie and it helped a lot. It really doesn't matter why he is acting this way. Figuring it out won't help. My b/f did the same flaky kinds of stuff at the end. Then he totally left me. I never did try to find out if it was another woman, or being wanted by the mafia, or what. Just not my problem, and anyway, what could I do about it? You too. Not your problem. The way to get over it, in brief, is to shift the focus to you! What problems and situations in your life need attention? Get going on your stuff and eventually, after some pain and heartbreak (because you are a loving human being) you will get better. You will. I don't know how long it will take, I wanted to know when I would feel better, but it was just real gradual, and sometimes I still feel sad for a few minutes, especially if something reminds me of him. Loss is part of life...I'm sorry you're in pain. Writing and talking will help. Staying busy with your stuff will help. Therapy or group therapy (especially alanon) can help. The worst thing you can do right now is to see or call him. Change your number, sweetie. Then he can't suck you back into this painful cycle. And spend time with family and friends who love, value, and treat you right. Go easy on yourself, one day at a time. You will get better one day at a time, as long as you don't contact him.
kj:sorry

figure

It's so difficult to explain. We are not a couple right now even though we act like it when we see each other. We live 5 hours away and I dont like the long distance relationships but I can't help the way I feel. I also dont want to be considered dating someone who is addicted to weed. I know my actions say that I want us to be together. We are seeing each other but are able to date others to if we want.

hbb

Thanks, i understand better now. But i guess my question would be, if you are not really together and are able to see others than why are you so adamant about getting in touch with him? Isn't he possibly doing what you agreed upon within your relationship? Just wondering...

If it were me, i would ask myself why i wanted to be with someone part-time and not find someone that was completely there for me and vice versa. I know it's hard, i was there too at one time but i guess me having NO contact saved alot of added anguish.

NoelleR

"...He can just turn it offor maybe has not paid the bill. Also, works the same with a Cingular phone..." --- well, yeh, duh.....ATT/Cingular are the same company now.....lol

"...AH used to turn it off and say he never got a message. Right-phone was off so no message could be left..." --- I dunno, I've had ATT, Cingular, Verizon, and Sprint, and with all those, if I turned the phone off, incoming calls went straight to voicemail.....turn on the phone.........piles of msg's.....grrrrr

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, that I've gotten some of that silliness outta my system, I just have one question, and thought.........is this the same guy (I guess it is) you were bemoaning back in 2004.....? Honey, you may have read all the Melody Beattie books, and others, now, perhaps it's time to sit around with some other folks.....ACOA, CODA, Alanon, Naranon.....perhaps in a group setting you may get some good suggestions on what you can start doing for YOU (like steps, mebbe?)...(and forget about him).....

BTW, didn't I read in one of your earlier posts.....that sometime after meeting this guy, you actually married an exbf of yours.....so you're MARRIED?.....Well, I know I'm gonna sound like some ole fuddy-duddy, but here goes.....if you're still married, STOP with this other guy stuff. If you're unhappy in a relationship (like a marriage), get out of it....THEN get tangled up in another.....or better yet.....get some alone time for you.....to work on you.....after all, you're really the only person who can make you happy..... (o:

Listen to these other folks here.....it just feels like this guy doesn't want to hear from you...............until he does want to hear from you.....lol.....remember, if he's an addict, then the sun and moon (and time) rises and sets on his schedule.....lol


NoelleR

figure

I have been sitting here for over 15 minutes trying to answer these questions and ......I can't......I just know that because we live far apart that just hearing his voice comforts me and being able to talk to him lets me know that he is alright.

figure

I am so adamant about getting in touch with him because of what happened i Feb when he was supposed to meet me and never showed up and the his phone number was changed shortly after......something happened that he will not tell me....it scares me to think something happened again.....I cant believe he wouldnt have a phone right now especially since he is traveling home 6 hours. I worry about him so much.....he run s from his problems all the time, has made horrible choices in life like giving up a full scholarship to play football and I just wish he was happy all the time. I know that when we are together that he is happy. I can tell by the way he looks at me and acts.

suki44883

Well, figure (not to sound rude) you are just going to have to accept that he doesn't want to talk to you right now. If he did, he'd find a way to get in touch with you. You aren't doing him or yourself any good by getting all upset about this.

SugarLily

Figure, I hope you don't mind but I looked at your earlier posts just to get an understanding of what the situation is.

Is this the same man you spoke about in 2004? If it is - please love, think about yourself. Care about yourself. How many years of worry and hardship are you going to put yourself through?

Its your choice x

ToughChoices

When are you happy?
Not now.

You are allowing this man to make you crazy.

Put down the phone. Go see a friend. Watch a movie. Get some sleep.

It will be ok.

-TC

Barbara52

figure, just what is all your worry accomplishing other than driving you nuts?