marle

I understand your need to know he is okay. I have felt the same way about my daughter who is my addict. She only lives about an hour away but it might as well be on the moon. I can no more stop what is happening to her than you can what is happening to your abf. I used to think that if she would just text me once a week and tell me she is okay. But what about the next minute or hour or day or week or month. She could text me one minute and be dead the next. You have to realize that addicts have one purpose for their cell phones and that is to get drugs. Now if you were a source of drugs or money for him, he would be calling you on a regular basis. But you are a source of guilt and so when he is using he prefers to remain incommunicado, if you understand what I mean. It is not personal, it is what addicts do. And since you can't control him or change him or make him do something he does not want to do, you have to learn to let him go and take care of yourself. Addiction leads to jails, institutions and death. Loving an addict can lead to institutions and death for us too. Take care of yourself. Do whatever you need to do to stop the obsession. Hugs, Marle

outtolunch

And then there's that not so old saying, maybe "he's just not that into you". Regardless of the reason, his behavior screams he does not want to talk to you.

Maybe it's time to learn to comfort yourself, instead of depending upon someone else to do what you can do for yourself. Forget his words and assess the situation based upon his actions.

If caring for someone was all that was necessary "to cure" someone of addiction, none of us would be here.

figure

YES, it is the same person. I have moved on a few times since, the longest we have ever gone with no contact whatsoever has been 5 months. Everytime I think this is it......he comes back and I open my heart......can't figure out why I do this....why him?

figure

How can I stop worrying? How can I MAKE MYSELF stop thinking about him? I tried going to eat, went and looked around Wally World and started reading Melody Beatties books, Codependent ZNo more, Stop being mean to yourself and Playing it by heart......I am TRYIN to really apply what I am reading.....I have chest pain now.

Lily

I honestly think you should change your number and don't call him anymore. Then follow the advice of KJ3880.


I am sorry he is being so evasive. he definitely has major issues.

Barbara52

When I was at my worst in my worrying about my AH, a visualization helped me greatly.

What I wanted to do was to put my AH in God's hand along with my worries about AH. My visualization was to picture God's hands, holding a globe in which I put my AH and all my worries. That globe held them in, no worries could leak out. If a worry popped up, I'd shove it in that globe. Visualizing that, along with my deep faith and trust in God, allowed me to stop the worrying about the things I could not change, the thing over which I had no control.

prodigal

Yes, you CAN "help" the way you feel. What you are saying is you are a victim of your own thinking and feelings. The only thing I've learned I can control is whether or not I choose to act on my feelings, wallow in my feelings, or allow my feelings to dictate my actions. When I said I was helpless in my circumstances, helpless in how I felt about other people, and helpless to make any changes, I was playing one role: victim.

figure

I thought about changing my number years ago but I have a business number and cant afford to go through the hassle of changing it. And someone, a friend of mine or his, he would get the new number from I am sure....

serenityqueen

This guy does not deserve a loving, thoughtful, caring person like you!

Years ago if you looked up co dependent in the dictionary, you would see a picture of me with tears running down my face, looking longingly at a picture of some guy who now, in all honesty, I wonder what in the world I ever saw in.

This guy sounds like a real piece of work who doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself. I am not intentionally trying to sound harsh, just being honest. I have "loved" so many of these, I don't even want to call them men, these guys. A real man doesn't treat a woman this way.

I agree with kj3880, change YOUR phone number. And when he comes home from school, don't waste your time. I imagine with the life he has been leading, the few months since you have seen him will be evident on his face. Ask yourself this, is he really worth all of this worrying?

As a recovering addict/alcoholic, I can tell you this, even if you got the true answers to all of your questions, within two weeks, you'll have a whole new list of ones that will be driving you crazy. You can't live like that. You don't deserve it.

Check out some books by Melody Beattie. They are fantastic. As I read through them, I was constantly nodding my head up and down thinking to myself, "Yeah, that's me alright."

Stick around with us, we'd be glad to support you through this.

God Bless,
Judy

Freedom1990

I'm going to be blunt here. I didn't get up this morning and learn that God had died, and he left me a note that put me in charge of anyone else and their happiness/problems.

I'm willing to bet you didn't get that note either.

I am not in charge of my oldest addict/alcoholic daughter's happiness, the choices she makes, nor do I lose sleep over the lifestyle she has chosen.

I also am not in charge of my almost 20 year old alcoholic daughter's happiness either. She is an adult, and I will allow her to walk her own path without my interference.

Aysha

I wanted to respond to the thread in substance abuse but really didnt have alot to say that would make you feel better. In fact what I think will probably seem harsh. But It isnt meant to be.
I totally agree with anvil.
You are way too obsessed with a phone.
Coming off a little psycho chick like. I think I would turn my phone off too.
Please dont take that wrong. It is just the simplest most up front way I can think of to say. Maybe you need to chill with it.
You said he has finals and other things stressing him. What makes you think you blowing up his and everyone else's phone is making it easier on him?
And maybe it is just nothing and your buggin for no reason. But you dont know. He dont want to tel, you. So what is there to do?
Obsess more?
Just breathe some. Try and put positive thoughts in your mind and when he is ready. Maybe he will let you in on the big secret. If there is one.
Please dont take my post in a bad way. I know how you must feel. But there is nothing you or anyone can do. Why stress you , him, and his family out over something you dont know for sure about?

windysan

sounds like dope dealing to me

Ann

Figure, you had the same thread going on three forums...this is against the rules. I merged all three here, which is the most logical of the three, and am not sure if it even makes sense now but it's late and I'm tired and if it doesn't make sense maybe start one single thread.

Better yet, maybe find a meeting and learn how to cope with your obsession. HE isn't the problem, his cell phone isn't the problem...your obsession with every move he may make or think of making or that you imagine he may make is enough to drive anyone into a spin.

With love in my heart, I'm suggesting you get some help for you, girl. We've all had the "codependent crazies" and the only thing that helped any of us was to take our focus and obsession off the addict and put it back on to ourselves.

You really have two choices...you can stay in this constant state of anxiety and drive yourself crazy or you can let go and find some help for yourself, just as we each have had to do. Nothing changes unless WE change.

Maybe think about this and make a plan of what you can do for YOU, find a meeting, read those books again...and again...and maybe something will click.

Hugs

jerect

As all of us here on this board can attest, living with an addict is unpredictable, stressfull and well just pure hell. So why do you allow yourself to stay in this position when you don't have to? There are no strings attatched, no broken vows and no family that is going to be torn apart by you walking out of his life. Run, don't walk but run.

Do not worry about this man, he is an adult and he can make the same desicions that you and I can make. He just chooses the wrong ones. You are not responsible for his sobriety, his happiness nor his well being. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is there for you only when it is conveniant for them and believe me if he is an addict, you are and aways will be on the bottom list of his priorities.

figure

I want to apologize to everyone on here for posting my thread 3x. I am so sorry, I had forgotten the rules....I did not know what to do. I just wanted to be able to reach out to everybody that I could to try and get some insight into this.....and I did! THANK YOU for giving me soooo much to think about yesterday. I am so upset for allowing myself to be taken advantage of for so long and for believing and having faith in him. I am so upset right now at my actions and how I have allowed this to consume me so much. I felt like I was going crazy and had so much anxiety...it hurts like hell. Last night, I was on my myspace and clicked on his and he was online so he must be fine. His page is private and he will not add me as a friend on there because I caught him in lies awhile back. Anyway, I could not send him a message; it says I have to be a friend of his to send him a message. This has been this way for months and I never thought too much about it cuz he doesn't get on myspace much and has tried several times to delete his account but cant because the email address he used to start myspace was from the old college he went to and that email is no longer valid so he can’t cancel it. He says he just gets on occasionally to see if anyone has posted anything.. Well, one of my myspace girlfriends tried to send him a message and it allowed her to so that means that he has had ME BLOCKED FROM CONTACTING HIM ON MYSPACE FOR AWHILE!! When I went to visit him in M arch and April, he had me blocked.....why would someone want to see someone in person that they have blocked from contacting them on the computer? I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MAD RIGHT NOW!!! I know the answer is someone that needs or wants something for me when its convenient for them I have made him a priority in my life way too long and have always been just an option to him. I deserve much better. Yesterday, I read and read and read and read all day. Today, I am embarrassed. I am very blessed that we don’t live in the same state, are not family and have no children together but it still hurts like hell. I am going to do more soul searching on myself to try and figure out why I allow this to happen to me and make choices that I have. I have been in and out of counseling over this since 2004. I went to some Alanon meetings back then to. It’s time to start all over again. I just don’t understand if he’s “just not that into me” WHY THE HELL HE KEEPS CALLING ME WHEN I DO PULL AWAY???? I cannot believe that there are people in this world that treat other people like this. Thanks for allowing me to vent and thanks sooo much for all your feedback. It is greatly appreciated.

Figure

MsPINKAcres

keep taking care of YOU - you deserve to live Happy, Joyous and Free

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

Cupicake

To keep you close at hand for when he does want you and far enough away for when he doesn't.
It's like fishing. You throw the line out. To entice the fish you reel in a little then you let a little go...you repeat this motion until you catch something. People who do it for sport usually throw the fish back in after they were successful in catching it. And it is possible to catch that fish again if the fish falls for the bait again. Torture for the fish but fun for the fisherman.

Aysha

Now that I think about it. And read your last post.
I went through the same thing about 9 years ago with a guy I thought I was truely in love with and thought was truely in love with me.
The same guy who pulled me into the depths of addiction with him and then left me abandoned when I needed him the most.
It does hurt. For me no words could explian the hurt and emptiness I felt. I was so torn up. Because it was like I didnt even know this person at all. Even though we were together and even lived together for a period of time.
When we lived in Daytona and I saw hthat getting high for him was more important than a palce to live and me. When he left me homeless on the sidewalk in a town he brought me to. I went home to my grams. He eventually moved to Ohio and we still kept in touch and made plans to get back together. I did go and visit him in Ohio. But he left me by myself in his mothers house the whole week. I hardly saw him. After he wanted me to come. After that trip he disconnected completely. Wouldnt call me. Was never home. Finally I got a hold of him and he flat out told me he was with someone else.
I thought I was going to be sick. He acted like I was never anybody to him. Like we never even knew each other. It felt like I was dreaming or in some other demention.
I will never forget what he did to me.
I dont know really why I am typing all this. And I apologize. But I feel bad now for what I posted yesterday. Because I have been there. I have done the same thing.
But I can tell you. That now..I am so glad I never did end up with him in the way I thought we would be. And it is because of him. I will never ever be in any kind of relationship with another addict again.
Even though I am an addict too. Two wrongs dont make a right.
You have alot of love to offer someone. You need to let this one go and save yourself and wait for the right one that will appreciate what you have to offer.
Dont be a convenience any longer to him.
Stay strong. ANd make yourself priority 1.

jerect

If he has you blocked from his myspace and is ignoring your calls then he is obviously hiding something. It could be another women, it could be his drug use or a whole number of other things that are not of your concern. If I were you I would walk out of his life and never look back. If he tries to contact you again, you can choose to ignore his calls. It's as simple as that, it's your choice whether the ball is in your court or not. Sooner or later he will get the message and not contact you again.

When you are dealing with a drug addict, you have to throw all rationality and logic out the window. I have learned that there may be a million reasons why my AH does the things that he does but I will never know why and to tell you the truth neither will he.

So do yourself a favor and worry about him no more. Do you really think he is sitting there worrying about you? Not a chance. He is worth the energy and anxiety you have created for yourself ? No way.

We all have our crazy moments like you had yesterday. Used to be I had more moments that were crazy then saine. I stopped trying to control the outcome of things and just let things be. I let my HP take control because he is the only one that is really in control of the outcome.

You are doing right by reading on here, there is so much information on this board from people that have been in your shoes and have lived to tell the tale. I especially like reading the recovering addicts story's. It gives me hope that my AH will recover but most importantly it helps me understand the disease of addiction. In understanding addiction, I'm able to release a lot of my control and crazy tendencies that I have.

Take care of yourself and learn to have a better relationship with YOU before you get into another one.

marle

If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing. You can't have a relationship with someone who has secrets. It just doesn't work. Hope you find a better way. Hugs, Marle