dogged

yea when my ex was in prison he gave me all his info on his savings account ..needles to say i called it the other day to se e how much money he had left in it and lets just say he had thousands of dollers in there in sept and now he is down to 20 bucks.. i did this because he called (funny that he did since he couldnt talk to me before?) and asked for money to get this apt..i told him no and checked his account and it is way low??? what did he do with 8000 in 2 mo? im guessing smoking,drinking,gambing,,i do not feel sorry for hm at all, i am so glad iam out of that mess..it is a peace iof mind knowing wherever i leave stuff like my purse, my debit card..etc... its right where i left it, and i alwyas have money in the bank ..FOR ME, yes i think he is back t his old tricks again and it will be just a matter of time,,sad really that one doesnt want something better in life..they choose this, just as we have a choice to leave also...and have a better life:sorry

rayofsunshine

Thanks Freedom, Lady, Kitty and Dogged for sharing your wisdom.

Yes, his name is on the house. NC is a community property state so everything will get split
50/50. :'( At this point, I don't care, I just want out. I don't even care about child support.
I make decent $, but the huge house payment is draining me. If I can move to somewhere
cheaper, we'll be ok.

I know what needs to be done, but its like a hurdle I just don't have the energy to try to jump over at the moment. I'm praying for strength to get moving.

dogged

well ray if you need a place to escape to you can always stay with me in minnesota..lol you and you r kids..

hello-kitty

If you want to get really far away we'd love some company out here in Seattle :-)

rayofsunshine

Thank you Dogged and Kitty. I would LOVE to escape to another state...

Have ya'll heard "the bartender song"? One line says something like
"i'm going back to the pen to see my friends". I think its only a matter of
time before AH does something to go back. My youngest daughter says
we can relate to this song can't we mama? It's kinda sad, really, to be able
to relate so well.

rayofsunshine

I have to remember this. I fall for the I'm sorry lines too easily. Well not
really, I say I want actions not just words, but he goes MIA before any
actions can be done. Like meetings, a job, etc. On one hand, I'm way
past caring, I just want to move on, but on the other, any sign of him
wanting to change, I feel like I should help. I've so got to get to a meeting
and get over this codieness that's still lingering.

hello-kitty

Ray, do you everything that maybe, losing everything (you, the house, the kids) is what it's going to take for him. Codie behavior only holds them back from recovery in my opinion. We make it to easy on them. We are too nice. They screw us over and we keep going back for more. That doesn't help anyone. Not us. Not them. Not our children.

Hang in there girl. Do the next WISE thing! Just baby steps is all it takes.

bluejupiter

Hi, new here. Need big help.
Tomorrow I go visit my ex in jail for the 1st time. Hes been in plenty before we met, but was sober and awesome when we met and has since gone down down down hill. He is diagnosed bipolar and not on meds which evidently fuels his addiction. He went manic in early September, and all the bad stuff started - cheating, lying, drugs and alcohol, more lying. I left him and he really went off and got in a drunk driving accident, 4 days in hospital, injured 2 of his passengers. He doesnt have a license - past DUIs and other traffic prblems have seen to that. Hes currently facing 4 driving under restraints and suprisingly only 1 DUI. So he was arrested on 10/21. We do love each other but I tend to run when things get bad - can you blame me? Then he gets hurt or arrested and i run back to save/protect him only to find him.... impossible to deal with.

I go to visit him tomorrow. I received a letter from him today where he said I have hurt him deeply and he doubts he can trust me. OK, fine. I feel the same about him! He says he intends on treatment as he'll use and abuse if he were to be freed now. He denies being bipolar - thats probably the biggest problem. Hes delusional. I assume hes been straight now for almost 2 weeks, but hes still angry and aggressive and thinks I"m the enemy and that i use his honesty against him.

I have no idea what to say to him. I do love him and miss TERRIBLY the guy I met. Hes a different person now. We've been through a lot together. i dont know what to do.

Any help is very appreciated.

dogged

one thing i learned while mine was ina nd out of prison is you dont beleive nayhting they tell you behind those walls,,its too easy for them to make promises and then as soon as they get out all the same pressures are there as before..he is angry because he needs someone to blame..he cant face looking at himself so you will be the scapegoat for his anger, and he is most likely jonesing in there and not knowing how to deal with his emotions since he cant self medicate so easliy in prison) even though they do have acess to it in there.. if he has been in and out for years really take a look at that...he is just repeating wht he knows how to do and until he is ready to change it nothing you do will fix it,,and you shouldnt..keep the focus on you and let him figure things out while he is in there.. mine kept me hjanging on for support, money, always money..lol and for letters and to do stuff for him on the outside.. dont do anything fo rhim while he isi in there, take this time to reflect on what this all really means and if you really want to deal with this crap for years??? beleive me i know..i went through it myself ...i was in denial about many things, always beleived him when he said he was done with it all?? and now? he is still doing the same crap, apparently he didnt mind prison too much because it sure hasnt deterred him from that lifestyle..thier is more to thier addiction than just the drug ?alcohol? its the reasons why they self medicate you take the drug away, and your still dealing with addictive behavior, and the selfishness,greed, its always about them, what they want, what they can get from others,etc... they are not at a place to be there for anyone.....sure go visit him ,,i know you miss him, but take a step back when you do and really look at him,,and listen to how they manipulate and blame everyone for thier mistakes..take you r emotions out of it for awhile and really see him for what he is right now, not the fantasy you created in your head..or the way you want it to be...but what is really in front of you..this was tough for me,,it was only after he was locked up again and away from him for awhile wherwe i was able to see things differently..its like one is brainwashed by them..and take the source away and you can see things clearly.. i sympathise with your position,,its never easy if your with them, and its hard to leave, but man,nothing compares with the peace f mind one has when you made that descion to have serenity in your own life.. good luck and keep coming back..manyof us have been where your at..

Babs

Great visual with that statement! But you are ABSOLUTELY right, Kitty.

Ray, hang in there, Girlfriend. When you are ready, you will know. Small steps for now until that time. Do you have your own bank accounts that he can't access? Have you closed any credit card accounts with both your names on them?

(After my XAH was taken away, I found a whole stack of cash advance checks from the last credit card account with both our names on it. He was taken away just in time....he could have bankrupted me in one day. Scary!)

You have hurt for such a long time, Ray. Sending you hugs, prayers and courage to do what you have to do for your sanity and your kids.

Love to all.
Babs

rayofsunshine

Welcome BlueJupiter! Sorry, you're going through the jail thing with your ex. I also think he is blaming you cause he can't face blaming himself and risk having any responsibilty for what a mess he's making of his life. It has to be someone elses fault!! I did the visiting thing many times, because I always believed those jailhouse promises. I've reached a point now, though, where I know I'll never visit him there again.

Thanks Kitty and Babs. My name is the only one on the checking account and we have no credit cards. My problem at the moment is he's been MIA for a week now. (He comes home during the day, eats and takes a bath, etc. which really makes me angry.)

I finally cut his cell phone off yesterday. Everything is in my name but the house. I've really been wanting to get ready to sell it, but how do you get an addict who's MIA to be around to sign the papers?

Oh by the way, he forgot to take his keys out of the door yesterday when he left. (His car key is separate.) Anyway, so he can't get in easily now, but I fear he will just break in. The only way I can stop this is to take out a 50b order, which I'm not ready to do, but may not have a choice in the near future.

hello-kitty

Hi Ray. At least you know what you need to do. Now it's just the doing it part. :-) Don't feel bad. He obviously has somewhere else to go. So don't feel bad about doing whatever it takes to get him out of your house for good.

Hi bluejupiter. Actions not words when it comes to an addict who is sitting in jail. Of course they are remorseful. They are in jail. It's what they do when they get out that counts. I've read your other posts and it sounds like a really messed up situation that you have gotten yourself into with him. He just doesn't sound done to me. Or safe. Or sane. You said yourself he is delusional, bi-polar, and refuses to admit it. Is this what you want to deal with for the rest of your life? That doesn't sound like love. That sounds like manipulation.

I haven't heard from my ex. He sent my son a card on Halloween. He didn't send a note or anything to me in the card. I know he is out some time this month. But he hasn't told me when. He likes it that way. He's still manipulating me. And he's using his little boy to do it. It's just frustrating.

MsPINKAcres

Hello my dear friends,

prayers and thoughts of strength and courage for each of you going thru the difficult times and process of searching for what is healthy & best for you.

Just sharing my e, s, & h - I have found that my best decisions are made on a persons actions not their words or their intentions - although many of our loved ones have the best of intentions, this disease sometimes prohibits them from carrying out those intentions.

I am a firm believer that absolutely nothing surprises our Higher Power - that HP is ready, willing and prepared to handle the situations that life brings into our world - thru prayer, meditation, quiet walks, reading literature or however you commune with your HP - your can be shown what direction is healthy for you.

And if that decision doesn't work out - my friend, we always have the option of changing our decision to another path.

We have been give an awesome thing called choices - you can make one and then if that choice doesn't work for you tomorrow - you can make another choice.

Wishing you each love, peace and joy,
Rita

winnie12

sorry - posted in wrong spot and cant seem to get this to delete

Babs

Well, another day, another relapse..... It seems that the more things change, the more they remain the same.

My sons and I were eating dinner tonight when a car came pealing into the driveway. Next came the knock at the door. It was, of course, the XAH with some mail that had gone to his P.O. box.....and he was high as a kite.

27 months clean. 27! He gets off probation and less than a week later, he is already back at it.....just like the last time he went through rehab.

I am so grateful that I divorced him when I did. The merry-go-round is still turning, but this time I'm not on it.

Hugs to all,
Babs

hello-kitty

Hi Babs. What a bummer. What is wrong with them!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My ex gets out on the 14th of this month! ( I looked up his release date online. I didn't know you could do that.) I don't know what will make me more angry. If he doesn't try to contact his son or if he does try to contact him. I guess either way, all I am left with is anger and disappointment. ERGGGH. Why can't things just be the way they are supposed to be.

My little boy loves that loser. And it just kills me inside that SOB manipulates him and doesn't give a ratsazz about anything but drugs.

I spend far too much time just being angry. I've let him go. But my anger at the situation just stays and stays and stays... there is no win win situation when it comes to addiction. The innocent ones always get hurt.

It helps (or doesn't help) to remember that SOME GUYS are just crappy fathers, even if they aren't on drugs. I think that is my sons father. I guess it doesn't matter if he's using or not. He's just a bad person.

I wish he would prove me wrong but he never does.

wooforever

Well I am going to see the ex for the last time in jail. He is going to prison for VOP, they gave him 16 months in a state pen. I am hoping that maybe one of these times he comes out with his head on his sholders and not up his ass.

He asked me to take of his motorcycle this time around, but the girl that owns the shop where it is at does not mind keeping it there. So I am not going to worry about it. He was to take care of business before we went to court. His business was getting money so he had some in prison.

It is funny when he is clean he gets into more trouble then when is using.

MsPINKAcres

prayers for each of you!!

I am very grateful and know that it is because of a HP and my daughter's willingness to do the work that she is still in her "drug court" program and not in jail. She has been doing this since June 18, 2008 and this is the longest period it has been this good in the past 6 plus yrs.

Prayers that someday each of you will have this for your loved ones.

Rita

rayofsunshine

Hey Babs! It's so sad the merry go round of addiction isn't it. After all that clean time, why can't they just get it? My AH had all that clean time in prison too, 2 years, going to meetings, then threw it all away, knowing the risk of being right back as bad as before he quit, but choosing to use anyway.

Right now, he's sleeping on the couch since Saturday, saying he is done ...
he's tired of living that way, blah blah blah. I let him know I'm done too,
it's not about him or me anymore, it's about the kids, and they're not going
to keep living with a front row seat to his addiction/relapses. He is supposed to be working on getting somewhere to go. I don't look for it to be easy getting him to go, but this is the update on us for now.

Kitty, I struggle with the anger also. There's just no closure and moving forward with an addict. They chose to appear/disappear at will, not caring about the family they have. I'm angry because my children don't have a father around at those important times or anytime really, like most other kids do. Right now, it's showing in my sons schoolwork, he has an "I don't care attitude" and just brought home 3 F's on his report card. I've been in touch with the teachers, and had his welding teacher (his favorite class he passed with a B) talk to him. He is doing better now, actually is doing homework and studying this past week!

Hi Wooforever. Hopefully your ex will "get it" this time. The ones that do "get it" give me hope one day my AH will get it. ( For me now though, I don't want the front row seat any longer. I hope he gets it, but want him to leave.)

Hi Japic. Glad to hear your daughter is doing good. Prayers for her continued success.

Babs

Indeed! There is a wonderful AA speaker who says that drugs are not their problem.....drugs are their solution. I totally believe that.

In NA and AA they talk about having to empty their spiritual wastebaskets of all the negative thoughts and emotions, but I think that our addicts have DUMPSTERS to unload......dumpsters that were filled up, one little spiritual wastebasket at a time, and must be emptied the same way. They go into a rehab or jail program, they empty one little wastebasket, and are blown away that the dumpster isn't empty.....and that sends them right back out to their time-tested solution for pain.

Now that my X is out of my house and out of my bank account and my sons and I are not in legal jeopardy any more, it is much easier for me to have compassion for him.

Ray, you are right, drama belongs on a stage, not in my home.

I love you guys.
Babs