Story of a wonderful man w/ a horrible problem...
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Cher -
just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and sending support. It all really sucks and I know that your heart - and all of your hopes - are stomped on. One thing that helps me to bear my situation is knowing that if I just do the right thing for me right now and take the next right step that I will be okay. I start getting edgy and anxious when I think that I have to make a decision today to either have RAH in my life or not. I'm not ready to shut the door and I'm not ready to give it a go. Either choice right now would make it really hard for me to stick to anything.
I ask myself - am I safe? Am I emotionally sober? Are my kids okay? The best thing for me right now is to not be with my RAH. That might change at some time and I give myself permission for whatever the future turns out to be. I agree that trying to keep it in today and not thinking about what is going to happen is helpful. Sometimes I remember that if I truly just let go and let God I'm likely to be amazed at what is created instead of pressing my agenda.
How are your kids doing with all of this? Hope that all of you are doing okay.
Love and hugs
just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and sending support. It all really sucks and I know that your heart - and all of your hopes - are stomped on. One thing that helps me to bear my situation is knowing that if I just do the right thing for me right now and take the next right step that I will be okay. I start getting edgy and anxious when I think that I have to make a decision today to either have RAH in my life or not. I'm not ready to shut the door and I'm not ready to give it a go. Either choice right now would make it really hard for me to stick to anything.
I ask myself - am I safe? Am I emotionally sober? Are my kids okay? The best thing for me right now is to not be with my RAH. That might change at some time and I give myself permission for whatever the future turns out to be. I agree that trying to keep it in today and not thinking about what is going to happen is helpful. Sometimes I remember that if I truly just let go and let God I'm likely to be amazed at what is created instead of pressing my agenda.
How are your kids doing with all of this? Hope that all of you are doing okay.
Love and hugs
Learning by doing...
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 12
That was a big saving grace for me, the fact I could just take off to where ever. Having a friend or family member hug me, or just them putting their hand on my shoulder, was helpful. Human contact made me feel like I was a part of the land of the living and I wasn’t totally alone. I did manage to water down some shoulders in a big way much of the time.
Another is journaling. I would bring my laptop with me to bed at night and I’d just type. I didn’t concentrate on what the hell I was typing. I just kept typing. Most of the time I was typing through the water works, so I don’t even know if I even typed anything correctly, and I know for sure nothing I typed makes any sense either. There were days in the beginning where I typed anywhere between 5 to 10 pages at a clip and a couple times a day. I lost track of the amount of pages I typed. They are the only things left I have on my hard drive that has anything to do with him. I’m keeping them as a back up since they are really the only things that document the crap I was going through. If I lose sight of what I’m doing now, they are there to shock me back into reality since I have no memory of what it was I wrote.
Reading this site was another help. I read all the really old stuff, too. I couldn’t dive into a book and could barely watch any DVDs since most of the movies I have reminded me of him or I just couldn’t concentrate on anything anyway.
Going for walks somewhere away from my place, like a park or some random neighborhood was good too. I couldn’t go anywhere he and I would spend time, so I had to find other places that had no connection to him. I’m still not up to hitting any place we used to go to. That’s a step I’m not strong enough to make yet.
I’d do a lot of surfing on the Internet, hitting random links from other links.
Driving with the radio loud enough to drown out my thoughts and make my ears bleed worked sometimes.
And if I couldn’t think of something to do or I couldn’t see humans, I’d sleep. I’d get myself so in a tizzy that I would be absolutely exhausted. It was the only thing that helped shut off my brain and heart and gut for a little bit.
Hope that helps some.
Another is journaling. I would bring my laptop with me to bed at night and I’d just type. I didn’t concentrate on what the hell I was typing. I just kept typing. Most of the time I was typing through the water works, so I don’t even know if I even typed anything correctly, and I know for sure nothing I typed makes any sense either. There were days in the beginning where I typed anywhere between 5 to 10 pages at a clip and a couple times a day. I lost track of the amount of pages I typed. They are the only things left I have on my hard drive that has anything to do with him. I’m keeping them as a back up since they are really the only things that document the crap I was going through. If I lose sight of what I’m doing now, they are there to shock me back into reality since I have no memory of what it was I wrote.
Reading this site was another help. I read all the really old stuff, too. I couldn’t dive into a book and could barely watch any DVDs since most of the movies I have reminded me of him or I just couldn’t concentrate on anything anyway.
Going for walks somewhere away from my place, like a park or some random neighborhood was good too. I couldn’t go anywhere he and I would spend time, so I had to find other places that had no connection to him. I’m still not up to hitting any place we used to go to. That’s a step I’m not strong enough to make yet.
I’d do a lot of surfing on the Internet, hitting random links from other links.
Driving with the radio loud enough to drown out my thoughts and make my ears bleed worked sometimes.
And if I couldn’t think of something to do or I couldn’t see humans, I’d sleep. I’d get myself so in a tizzy that I would be absolutely exhausted. It was the only thing that helped shut off my brain and heart and gut for a little bit.
Hope that helps some.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Cher)))
Wow, I've got a lot of catching up to do on this thread.
I just wanted to add my 2 cents, as a recovering crack addict who left her XABF because he's still using.
Lightseeker is absolutely right...it's not that he doesn't love you. I always said the same thing with my ex..."he loves the crack more than me", but I was wrong. It's just that the demon crack gets such a hold on you, that you can't think of anything but getting more...damn the consequences.
You really don't know what the future holds, none of us does. My bottom line was that I couldn't be with anyone I don't trust....and with crack, there is no trust. Wait...I could trust him to screw up! What kind of relationship is that?!?!
Just remember...this really has nothing to do with you as a person. I didn't smoke crack to get back at anyone. In fact, I HATED what I was putting the people who love me through. My remedy...smoke more crack so I wouldn't feel that guilt, shame, and remorse.
You and your kids don't deserve to be dragged down in his addiction. If he's not ready for recovery, he will probably spiral further into his addiction. I always did, because I figured I'd screwed up so bad, what the heck...smoke more crack! None of this is your fault...it's just the nature of the disease.
For what it's worth, I can't believe I did the things I did when I was active! At the time, they seemed perfectly logical. Now, I look back, and can see that my mind wasn't even functioning at that time, except in ways to find more crack.
Take baby steps, reach out to people who can support you (and not judge you). You WILL be okay.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Wow, I've got a lot of catching up to do on this thread.
I just wanted to add my 2 cents, as a recovering crack addict who left her XABF because he's still using.
Lightseeker is absolutely right...it's not that he doesn't love you. I always said the same thing with my ex..."he loves the crack more than me", but I was wrong. It's just that the demon crack gets such a hold on you, that you can't think of anything but getting more...damn the consequences.
You really don't know what the future holds, none of us does. My bottom line was that I couldn't be with anyone I don't trust....and with crack, there is no trust. Wait...I could trust him to screw up! What kind of relationship is that?!?!
Just remember...this really has nothing to do with you as a person. I didn't smoke crack to get back at anyone. In fact, I HATED what I was putting the people who love me through. My remedy...smoke more crack so I wouldn't feel that guilt, shame, and remorse.
You and your kids don't deserve to be dragged down in his addiction. If he's not ready for recovery, he will probably spiral further into his addiction. I always did, because I figured I'd screwed up so bad, what the heck...smoke more crack! None of this is your fault...it's just the nature of the disease.
For what it's worth, I can't believe I did the things I did when I was active! At the time, they seemed perfectly logical. Now, I look back, and can see that my mind wasn't even functioning at that time, except in ways to find more crack.
Take baby steps, reach out to people who can support you (and not judge you). You WILL be okay.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by hope4always 
Cher? You know who sounds like a broken record? *HE* does.
“Boo-hoo! I know it’s my fault this is over. I don’t ever want to lose you ever. Boo-hoo!” But what does he do? He uses again, and says it again. Uses again and says it again. Uses again and says it again. *Same* thing time after time after time.
Though I’m not surprised, but still chaps my ass right now, is he tells you he’s going to be there with bike in tow so you guys can do something with your kids – *YOUR KIDS*, who probably were looking forward to him coming over – and what does he do? He disappoints kids. And for what? Crack cocaine. Oh boy. Wonderful guy.
“Boo-hoo! I know it’s my fault this is over. I don’t ever want to lose you ever. Boo-hoo!” But what does he do? He uses again, and says it again. Uses again and says it again. Uses again and says it again. *Same* thing time after time after time.
Though I’m not surprised, but still chaps my ass right now, is he tells you he’s going to be there with bike in tow so you guys can do something with your kids – *YOUR KIDS*, who probably were looking forward to him coming over – and what does he do? He disappoints kids. And for what? Crack cocaine. Oh boy. Wonderful guy.
I do have a support system here at home - my parents live close by, my godmother, my friends at work, they're all there. I just have to keep myself busy and hope that I can get through the first few days/weeks. I know there will be really hard times, but I have to keep moving forward. And like all of you said, I shouldn't think in terms of 'forever' or 'never'... I should just think about now... he's going to do what he needs to do (or not) and I will keep going, and just see what happens I guess. That's very hard for me, but I will try my hardest. Thanks so much!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
BOO-YA, Cher! Good work on the sheets and comforter. A girl after my very own heart. Take a really hot shower to wash away the tears of today, climb into those bad boys and roll around like there ain’t no tomorrow, baby. Ahhhh! There really isn’t anything like sweet, soft, sheets, man. Now I want to go buy some and I’m not even sad! LOL!
And I’m really glad you have support, especially from someone who knows what the deal is and who knows and loves you and can give you advice and guidance that will be meaningful to you.
As for the rest, I’m definitely going to go with Amy’s take on the whole deal.
There’s no way to know exactly what’s going on in anyone’s mind, least of all a mind messed up on drugs. It’s a complete free-for-all in that noggin of his. Could be you and your kids are his priority most of the time, but when does that priority shift to using? Is he thinking about it now? Has he been planning his using for a week? A day? An hour? Is he really going to be there to take the kids to some event that he’s gotten them all psyched about? Hell, will he show up for our wedding?!
There are just too many unknowns for even an adult to deal with, let alone little cute faces, with stars in their eyes and smiles in their hearts, waiting for Mr. Fun to show up and show them the time of their short little lives.
Well, all I can say is I hope that crack he blew his dough on was totally worth screwing over those kids who love and trust him. Nice move, hotshot.
And I’m really glad you have support, especially from someone who knows what the deal is and who knows and loves you and can give you advice and guidance that will be meaningful to you.
As for the rest, I’m definitely going to go with Amy’s take on the whole deal.
There’s no way to know exactly what’s going on in anyone’s mind, least of all a mind messed up on drugs. It’s a complete free-for-all in that noggin of his. Could be you and your kids are his priority most of the time, but when does that priority shift to using? Is he thinking about it now? Has he been planning his using for a week? A day? An hour? Is he really going to be there to take the kids to some event that he’s gotten them all psyched about? Hell, will he show up for our wedding?!
There are just too many unknowns for even an adult to deal with, let alone little cute faces, with stars in their eyes and smiles in their hearts, waiting for Mr. Fun to show up and show them the time of their short little lives.
Well, all I can say is I hope that crack he blew his dough on was totally worth screwing over those kids who love and trust him. Nice move, hotshot.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 32
There’s a lot here to chew on and contemplate, Cher, but there’s one other thing I’d like to toss into the ring.
Keepthefaith wrote this incredibly powerful, moving, candid post only a couple of weeks after she received a call that shook us all to our foundations.
I hope this is okay to do… here’s the link to the post of a woman with the strength of 1000 rhinos.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...band-died.html
I don't think I've ever seen such clarity and strength in anyone in my life.
Keepthefaith wrote this incredibly powerful, moving, candid post only a couple of weeks after she received a call that shook us all to our foundations.
I hope this is okay to do… here’s the link to the post of a woman with the strength of 1000 rhinos.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...band-died.html
I don't think I've ever seen such clarity and strength in anyone in my life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 45
Thank you IF70... that was a very sobering post, definitely. It makes me wonder what my XABF was doing when he was gone for a day or two at a time. He told me the same thing - he says he's alone in a hotel room, his dealer brings the 'goods', and he just does his stuff alone. And he and I had a wonderful sex life too... makes me wonder.... makes me angry. But I guess I'll probably never know. Cuz after all, who can truly believe a crack addict anyways....
Learning by doing...
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 12
I had asked my ex if he ever cheated and he said no. But he knew cheating was a faaaaar worse crime in my book than crack smoking. I can’t believe my thinking.
When I split with him I wasn’t thinking about all the things I didn’t know. Had I done that I think my head would have exploded. I kept the reasons to what I knew which was simply he would lie to me so he could go use and that devastated me enough. Later I would use the “what don’t I know?” question to keep myself from backsliding, though. I thought about that question enough to get the courage to get tested but not enough to rip open an already deep wound in my heart.
I’ve accepted there are horrible things I’ll never know. Since he’s no longer a part of my life and I tested negative, I just don’t need to know anything else.
When I split with him I wasn’t thinking about all the things I didn’t know. Had I done that I think my head would have exploded. I kept the reasons to what I knew which was simply he would lie to me so he could go use and that devastated me enough. Later I would use the “what don’t I know?” question to keep myself from backsliding, though. I thought about that question enough to get the courage to get tested but not enough to rip open an already deep wound in my heart.
I’ve accepted there are horrible things I’ll never know. Since he’s no longer a part of my life and I tested negative, I just don’t need to know anything else.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
I know too much and pretty much assume anything else I could conjure up in my mind probably happened. My ex is an addict, so the possibilities are endless. And he’s in a worse situation now, so yeah, he’s probably now doing everything I already figured he was doing anyway, including bringing some chick down to the depths of hell with him and who’s been charmed to death by his killer smile, personality and pitiful boo-hoo’ing. Eww… I feel dirty just thinking about it.
But on a lighter side, there’s one thing I’ve been dying to hear about all day…
How were the sheets and comforter, Cher? I have to know. When I kicked dumb-*ss to the curb, I tossed out all my Victoria’s Secret goodies and went back and bought all new Victoria’s Secret yummies. Got new sheets, too. I hit Bath and Body and got the most delicious scents I could find – gels, body washes, moisturizers.
I got home that night with all the goods, lit candles in the bathroom, turned on some tunes and vegged in a hot tub. Of course I broke out like crazy from the bath gels (I knew I would), but I couldn’t resist the black raspberry and vanilla stuff.
I moved from that into my new silkies – lookin’ HOT, mind you, with all my little break-outs – lit all the candles in the bedroom, and slid in some sweet sheets.
So I was scratching all night. Big deal. I smelled great.
But on a lighter side, there’s one thing I’ve been dying to hear about all day…
How were the sheets and comforter, Cher? I have to know. When I kicked dumb-*ss to the curb, I tossed out all my Victoria’s Secret goodies and went back and bought all new Victoria’s Secret yummies. Got new sheets, too. I hit Bath and Body and got the most delicious scents I could find – gels, body washes, moisturizers.
I got home that night with all the goods, lit candles in the bathroom, turned on some tunes and vegged in a hot tub. Of course I broke out like crazy from the bath gels (I knew I would), but I couldn’t resist the black raspberry and vanilla stuff.
I moved from that into my new silkies – lookin’ HOT, mind you, with all my little break-outs – lit all the candles in the bedroom, and slid in some sweet sheets.
So I was scratching all night. Big deal. I smelled great.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 45
Hope4, you totally cracked me up reading that post! Too funny... the sheets were great to answer your question. LOL I talked briefly with my XABF driving home tonite... it was hard to hear his voice. He was upset... I was upset. We agreed to not talk for a little while... so now I feel like i'm mourning all over again. But it's what I need I think... if I keep talking to him and keep hoping for the best, i'm going to keep getting torn down. And that's what I have to keep in the forefront of my mind. When the loneliness, and the missing him creeps in, I HAVE to remember what he did, and what he's completely capable of doing again. I guess I kind of know what an addict goes through... wanting something so badly, you know you're not supposed to have it, and that makes you want it even more...
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
<big movie-type gasp, complete with back of hand over mouth> You find humor in my body’s inability to withstand black raspberry and vanilla gels? Well, I’m just *so* offended and…
Oh, who the hell am I trying to kid. I looked ridiculous. Between the gels aggravating my skin and “gift” from the addict, and the thong wedged so far up my ass that I didn’t need to floss the next day, I was a total mess.
But I still maintain I smelled like sweet success, and success is sweet, Mama.
As for the rest, Cher, one little step. Really. Breathing has it kickin’… Nurse your tears – the present, this second - before you do anything else or think about anything else. Get yourself to feel less sad first. Doing that doesn’t mean you are moving away from him as much as you are moving toward not feeling sad. That’s all.
So, if hearing his voice will prevent you from getting back to your normal self for right now, then you just don’t talk to him right now. That doesn’t mean you hate him or will never speak to him again. It just means you are trying to heal yourself so you can look at the situation with a new and clear pair of eyes.
If he’s feeling badly as well, then he needs to do some serious thinking of his own about how he’ll become a whole person. He has to find that out on his own just like you need to find yourself, your center, again.
Both of you need to get to a place where you both are strong as individuals first. Two broken people together won’t make some romantic, beautiful circle unfortunately. It can mean certain disaster.
So, your job *for the moment* is to feel better and stronger. Period. His job right now is to get clean. Neither one of you have been able to do either for any extended period of time together to date.
Oh, who the hell am I trying to kid. I looked ridiculous. Between the gels aggravating my skin and “gift” from the addict, and the thong wedged so far up my ass that I didn’t need to floss the next day, I was a total mess.
But I still maintain I smelled like sweet success, and success is sweet, Mama.
As for the rest, Cher, one little step. Really. Breathing has it kickin’… Nurse your tears – the present, this second - before you do anything else or think about anything else. Get yourself to feel less sad first. Doing that doesn’t mean you are moving away from him as much as you are moving toward not feeling sad. That’s all.
So, if hearing his voice will prevent you from getting back to your normal self for right now, then you just don’t talk to him right now. That doesn’t mean you hate him or will never speak to him again. It just means you are trying to heal yourself so you can look at the situation with a new and clear pair of eyes.
If he’s feeling badly as well, then he needs to do some serious thinking of his own about how he’ll become a whole person. He has to find that out on his own just like you need to find yourself, your center, again.
Both of you need to get to a place where you both are strong as individuals first. Two broken people together won’t make some romantic, beautiful circle unfortunately. It can mean certain disaster.
So, your job *for the moment* is to feel better and stronger. Period. His job right now is to get clean. Neither one of you have been able to do either for any extended period of time together to date.
Learning by doing...
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 12
Hey Cher. Thought I'd drop in and see how are things?
I thought I might add my own personal favorite lyric to the list. I'm almost to the point where I might just be able to retire it! It has been a real help when I've had to take those many many many deep breaths at the side of the road.
I can't post the link since I haven't posted enough, so look up this song if you haven't heard it.
"Speed Of Sound"
Coldplay (yeah, I know! But it's really good)
Hope you're doing okay today.
I thought I might add my own personal favorite lyric to the list. I'm almost to the point where I might just be able to retire it! It has been a real help when I've had to take those many many many deep breaths at the side of the road.
I can't post the link since I haven't posted enough, so look up this song if you haven't heard it.
"Speed Of Sound"
Coldplay (yeah, I know! But it's really good)
Hope you're doing okay today.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
"Speed Of Sound"? OMG, Iffy! A girl after *your* heart!
Nice choice, Breathing. I happen to like that one also. I can see it being a very good "breather" type tune. Nice!
I tried to PM you, Breathing, but couldn't get through for some reason?
Nice choice, Breathing. I happen to like that one also. I can see it being a very good "breather" type tune. Nice!
I tried to PM you, Breathing, but couldn't get through for some reason?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
"Speed Of Sound"? OMG, Iffy! A girl after *your* heart!
Nice choice, Breathing. I happen to like that one also. I can see it being a very good "breather" type tune. Nice!
I tried to PM you, Breathing, but couldn't get through for some reason?
And Cher? I was cleaning out the bathroom closet today and what did I happen upon *way* back on the top shelf? You guessed it - "the sweet smell of success."
While I had a smile on my face when I found it, for some very odd reason, I began to itch. WTF? LOL!
Hope you're doing okay, too, girl.
Nice choice, Breathing. I happen to like that one also. I can see it being a very good "breather" type tune. Nice!
I tried to PM you, Breathing, but couldn't get through for some reason?
And Cher? I was cleaning out the bathroom closet today and what did I happen upon *way* back on the top shelf? You guessed it - "the sweet smell of success."
While I had a smile on my face when I found it, for some very odd reason, I began to itch. WTF? LOL!
Hope you're doing okay, too, girl.
Learning by doing...
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by cherbear79
I just hope I can do this... that I can have the strength to be alone, to be without him. At this exact moment - 10 minutes after he's left my life, I don't see how it's possible. But I hope in time that I will.... 
I also don’t want to be alone and because of that I’ve been in these bad relationships. Someone in this thread posted something about setting the bar higher and I noticed something about myself. I’ve been setting the bar as it related to whatever relationship just ended. Like, if the guy I’m with is verbally abusive, the next guy won’t be but he’ll be emotionally distant. Then that relationship ends and the next guy isn’t verbally abusive or emotionally distant but he’ll be something else. Then it just keeps going on like that.
What I’m learning now is I need to set that bar at least high enough to weed out the bad ones immediately so I can choose between guys who really are worthy enough to be in my life. I’ve actually been considering going to therapy now to work on these type of questions I've been wondering about myself lately. I know I’m a good person so I should be able to find a good man so I can have the family I’ve been wanting for so so long! But it really all comes down to me and why I keep making these bad choices.
I also know I have to stop jumping from one relationship to another because I don’t want to be alone. Jumping like that never gives me the chance to know who that guy really is. By the time I find out I’m not wanting to start over with someone else so I’ll just work with what I have. I can’t do that anymore. I want to find a good man who will be a good husband and father and where I don’t have to constantly wonder if he’s lying or will he be abusive or will he come home for dinner or will he use crack instead?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
Good for you, Breathing. You’ll be doing yourself a huge service.
This is what I do, being a spotter for people as they learn to crawl up and over hurdles in their life. To date, I have yet to come across a hurdle that can’t be overcome. Some can be sprinted across, some require a lot of climbing, but it *is* all doable. It just depends how determined someone is to learn the moves required to navigate them.
I think you’ve hit a very good place to begin to learn. You seem to have a healthy enough distance on the past – you can see it and feel it just enough to know the areas you need to concentrate on – and you have a healthy view of the “now”. When there’s a desperate need to get through something too quickly, where someone is trying to sprint across a hurdle that’s too big for them when they don’t have the endurance yet, only makes that person too frustrated to want to continue and they acquiesce.
The more practice you get, the easier the “small stuff” hurdles are to breeze over so you can save your energy when the bigger hurdles that require a lot of climbing emerge.
This is what I do, being a spotter for people as they learn to crawl up and over hurdles in their life. To date, I have yet to come across a hurdle that can’t be overcome. Some can be sprinted across, some require a lot of climbing, but it *is* all doable. It just depends how determined someone is to learn the moves required to navigate them.
I think you’ve hit a very good place to begin to learn. You seem to have a healthy enough distance on the past – you can see it and feel it just enough to know the areas you need to concentrate on – and you have a healthy view of the “now”. When there’s a desperate need to get through something too quickly, where someone is trying to sprint across a hurdle that’s too big for them when they don’t have the endurance yet, only makes that person too frustrated to want to continue and they acquiesce.
The more practice you get, the easier the “small stuff” hurdles are to breeze over so you can save your energy when the bigger hurdles that require a lot of climbing emerge.
Learning by doing...
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 12
Thank you for that :ghug3
I feel I've done okay to this point. I even had to change the screen name I had chosen for this site in January because I didn't feel completely like "her" anymore
I had a difficult time reading posters like you and IForgot. Anvilhead and Hello-kitty and Impurrfect, too. There are many others as well. Your posts were just too real for me to deal with at the time. But as I've read and read I can look at those posts and posters now and really get a great deal of strength from them. I really like that brutal honesty. And some days I still need a good deal of it
I've found I can look at these things now... sometimes only in little pieces at a time. I can only hope I'll have the strength to turn that onto myself and do something good for me.
So thank you
I feel I've done okay to this point. I even had to change the screen name I had chosen for this site in January because I didn't feel completely like "her" anymore
I had a difficult time reading posters like you and IForgot. Anvilhead and Hello-kitty and Impurrfect, too. There are many others as well. Your posts were just too real for me to deal with at the time. But as I've read and read I can look at those posts and posters now and really get a great deal of strength from them. I really like that brutal honesty. And some days I still need a good deal of it
I've found I can look at these things now... sometimes only in little pieces at a time. I can only hope I'll have the strength to turn that onto myself and do something good for me.
So thank you
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