That was so hard
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
STand your ground, dont let him guilt you into anything you dont want to do, and he will continue doing.
An example, my AH told me this morning he was filing for divorce taking me to court for custody adn planned on getting alimony saying he was incompetant without me. Funny part is I work in the legal field and while he cannot do any of those things (sure with money he can try, but it wont happen) A year ago him saying that would have had me in panic and tears, this morning I just had a grin and sad ok dear you do that Within minutes of not taking defense he switched back to the loving guy who would never do that. Theyll do and say anything that they think will help them get there way.
An example, my AH told me this morning he was filing for divorce taking me to court for custody adn planned on getting alimony saying he was incompetant without me. Funny part is I work in the legal field and while he cannot do any of those things (sure with money he can try, but it wont happen) A year ago him saying that would have had me in panic and tears, this morning I just had a grin and sad ok dear you do that Within minutes of not taking defense he switched back to the loving guy who would never do that. Theyll do and say anything that they think will help them get there way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
Thanks all. Your support has helped so much. I must admit it was your support that helped me through the second phone call and really stand up for my boundaries for when he comes home. Those home boundaries are a no choice one. I am not going to worry about losing my home agian or having the power shut off, or no food in the house or losing the car. And I will not have an active drug user in my home. My doctors helped me come up with my boundary list and he had to follow them before he left and knew he would have to follow them when he got back too. Why he thought that would change I have no idea. But the strength I am getting here sure helped me to stick to that.
The kids have no idea what is going on and when my 3yr old woke up this morning all happy and looked at me he said "I talk to daddy." So I said "If he calls today yes you can." I didn't want to make any promises to him just in case he doesn't call.
What a mess.
Nikki
The kids have no idea what is going on and when my 3yr old woke up this morning all happy and looked at me he said "I talk to daddy." So I said "If he calls today yes you can." I didn't want to make any promises to him just in case he doesn't call.
What a mess.
Nikki
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Nikki,
You have choices when he calls and talks to you like that. You have the choice to stay on the line and listen to him spew his crap or you can make it clear to him that if he is going to talk ugly then you are going to HANG UP and if he continues to talk ugly follow through. When I was active in my addiction I used to call my mother up and if she didn't do, act, say just what I wanted her to .. then I would blow up and blast her calling her all kinds of ugly names, blaming her for everything .. cussing and swearing up a storm and she would listen ... My reason for doing this was because I wanted what I wanted and she wasn't giving it to me so I would throw a tantrum verbally and emotionally abusing her UNTIL she gave me what I wanted. I was cold, cruel, callous and heartless. I knew she would eventually break down and I'd get my way ... I always got my way.
That is UNTIL oneday I called my mom and started my crap and she told me that if I was going to talk ugly she was going to hang up. I didn't believe her, but she did. I called back right away and she picked up and I laid into her only to hear click. I called back again and she did not pick up. I tried to call a few times that day, but she didn't answer her phone. The next day I called, she picked up the phone and I was all nicey nicey to try to get what I wanted (money .. and she wasn't giving it to me ... said she didn't have it.. I didn't believe her nor did I care if she really didn't have it to spare I WANTED IT) so even with my nicey nicey attitude she still told me that she didn't have it and I got mad, tried to make her feel guilty .. went into full blown manipulation and ended up pi$$ed that my "usual" tactics weren't working like they had a bizillion times in the past and I started to get ugly and I heard click. I sat there holding the phone with my mouth agape .. I could hardly believe my mom hung up on me again. In the past she had never stood up to me or followed through with anything other than giving me what I wanted if only to shut my mouth and ease the guilt I had piled upon her.
As mad as I was a little part of me was glad that she stood up for herself against me. My mom act of respect for herself taught me that if I wanted to talk to my mom I had to be respectful with my speech or else She would hang up on me. Believe it or not I appreciated the boundaries she began to impart ... I had been so out of control and there were no boundaries where she was concerned and I had been allowed to verbally, mentally and emotionally abuse her for far to long and she finally said enough is enough and more importantly she meant it. This was only the beginning of change for my mom and for me too. My mother played an important part in me arriving at a place where I wanted to be clean and sober ... I say I arrived on a prayer to a powerful and awesome God and on the wings of an angel I call, M O T H E R.
We can go into rehab and address our addiction, but for some of us .. it takes time for the ugly behavior to really begin to change. It is like second nature to us and it has gotten us what we wanted in the past .. Teach him now that you will no longer tolerate it or he will think it is still as exceptable now as it was while he was active in his addiction. Clearly define what you will or will not accept and don't be moved. We hear what you say (generally we believe if we don't like it .. we can change your mind), but what we believe is not what you say, but what you do.
******{HUGS to you}}}}}
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING .. don't let him bully you out of it.
He can only do to you what you allow.
Refuse to listen to him blame, accuse, abuse
it isn't good for you or for him to be able to treat you that way.
Please don't allow it.
Passion
You have choices when he calls and talks to you like that. You have the choice to stay on the line and listen to him spew his crap or you can make it clear to him that if he is going to talk ugly then you are going to HANG UP and if he continues to talk ugly follow through. When I was active in my addiction I used to call my mother up and if she didn't do, act, say just what I wanted her to .. then I would blow up and blast her calling her all kinds of ugly names, blaming her for everything .. cussing and swearing up a storm and she would listen ... My reason for doing this was because I wanted what I wanted and she wasn't giving it to me so I would throw a tantrum verbally and emotionally abusing her UNTIL she gave me what I wanted. I was cold, cruel, callous and heartless. I knew she would eventually break down and I'd get my way ... I always got my way.
That is UNTIL oneday I called my mom and started my crap and she told me that if I was going to talk ugly she was going to hang up. I didn't believe her, but she did. I called back right away and she picked up and I laid into her only to hear click. I called back again and she did not pick up. I tried to call a few times that day, but she didn't answer her phone. The next day I called, she picked up the phone and I was all nicey nicey to try to get what I wanted (money .. and she wasn't giving it to me ... said she didn't have it.. I didn't believe her nor did I care if she really didn't have it to spare I WANTED IT) so even with my nicey nicey attitude she still told me that she didn't have it and I got mad, tried to make her feel guilty .. went into full blown manipulation and ended up pi$$ed that my "usual" tactics weren't working like they had a bizillion times in the past and I started to get ugly and I heard click. I sat there holding the phone with my mouth agape .. I could hardly believe my mom hung up on me again. In the past she had never stood up to me or followed through with anything other than giving me what I wanted if only to shut my mouth and ease the guilt I had piled upon her.
As mad as I was a little part of me was glad that she stood up for herself against me. My mom act of respect for herself taught me that if I wanted to talk to my mom I had to be respectful with my speech or else She would hang up on me. Believe it or not I appreciated the boundaries she began to impart ... I had been so out of control and there were no boundaries where she was concerned and I had been allowed to verbally, mentally and emotionally abuse her for far to long and she finally said enough is enough and more importantly she meant it. This was only the beginning of change for my mom and for me too. My mother played an important part in me arriving at a place where I wanted to be clean and sober ... I say I arrived on a prayer to a powerful and awesome God and on the wings of an angel I call, M O T H E R.
We can go into rehab and address our addiction, but for some of us .. it takes time for the ugly behavior to really begin to change. It is like second nature to us and it has gotten us what we wanted in the past .. Teach him now that you will no longer tolerate it or he will think it is still as exceptable now as it was while he was active in his addiction. Clearly define what you will or will not accept and don't be moved. We hear what you say (generally we believe if we don't like it .. we can change your mind), but what we believe is not what you say, but what you do.
******{HUGS to you}}}}}
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING .. don't let him bully you out of it.
He can only do to you what you allow.
Refuse to listen to him blame, accuse, abuse
it isn't good for you or for him to be able to treat you that way.
Please don't allow it.
Passion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I am so dang proud of you girl! I know how hard that was but wow! You are awesome!
Don't worry. He'll call. They always do. Addicts need to grow up and learning to being responsible for your own actions is a challenge for them but it is ABSOLUTELY necessary for their recovery. If they don't figure it out, they will end up in prison like my ex.
We cannot be there to clean up their messes anymore. It's part of the recovery process.
You've come along way baby!
Don't worry. He'll call. They always do. Addicts need to grow up and learning to being responsible for your own actions is a challenge for them but it is ABSOLUTELY necessary for their recovery. If they don't figure it out, they will end up in prison like my ex.
We cannot be there to clean up their messes anymore. It's part of the recovery process.
You've come along way baby!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
The kids have no idea what is going on and when my 3yr old woke up this morning all happy and looked at me he said "I talk to daddy."
When my son asks about his father or talks about seeing him, I say "Daddy will see you/call you as soon as he can. He is far away right now but he loves you very much. Mommy is here and I love you very much. It is my job to take care of you forever and I will not leave you." Then I tickle him or hug him or get him a popsicle or something.
It satisfies my son and it puts the responsiblity of contact clearly where it belongs - on Daddy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
Thanks so much. I do hope he calls. But if he does I am going to act like nothing happened yesterday. Not even bring up the topic of money. And if he brings it up just say I already snswered that question and switch topics to something more plesant. Hopefully that will work. I want to support him in his recovery. I do want our marriage to work, I never want any one, including him to think otherwise, but I just can't live like this anymore. Things have got to change. I have got to stick to my boundaries. I just hope I don't lose him in the process.
I did hear back from his parents though. Here is what they had to say.
"Thank-you for keeping us informed. It is a hard time that you are going through, and we pray that in the end he will be helped by going to treatment. I wish there was someway that he could understand natural consequences better. In anger he says a lot of things that I really don't think he means. I hope he regrets saying them, and can learn to think before he speaks. It is so hurtful to hear those kinds of things. We will keep praying for you all. He still has another week and a couple of days. I hope that he is learning something every day that will make a difference for good in all of your lives. When his cousin went to the centre, it helped him so I am sure it will him too as long as he is wanting to take advantage of all the help that he is offered. Don't give up hope even though it seems hopeless at times. Thanks again for keeping us informed. "
As you can see they are very supportive people. I hope his counslors are helping him through this there today. helping him to sort out for himself that he has to be responisble for himself and his own choices. Not me or his parents or anyone else. At least I hope that is what is happening there today.
Nikki
I did hear back from his parents though. Here is what they had to say.
"Thank-you for keeping us informed. It is a hard time that you are going through, and we pray that in the end he will be helped by going to treatment. I wish there was someway that he could understand natural consequences better. In anger he says a lot of things that I really don't think he means. I hope he regrets saying them, and can learn to think before he speaks. It is so hurtful to hear those kinds of things. We will keep praying for you all. He still has another week and a couple of days. I hope that he is learning something every day that will make a difference for good in all of your lives. When his cousin went to the centre, it helped him so I am sure it will him too as long as he is wanting to take advantage of all the help that he is offered. Don't give up hope even though it seems hopeless at times. Thanks again for keeping us informed. "
As you can see they are very supportive people. I hope his counslors are helping him through this there today. helping him to sort out for himself that he has to be responisble for himself and his own choices. Not me or his parents or anyone else. At least I hope that is what is happening there today.
Nikki
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
"Thank-you for keeping us informed. It is a hard time that you are going through, and we pray that in the end he will be helped by going to treatment. I wish there was someway that he could understand natural consequences better. In anger he says a lot of things that I really don't think he means. I hope he regrets saying them, and can learn to think before he speaks. It is so hurtful to hear those kinds of things. We will keep praying for you all. He still has another week and a couple of days. I hope that he is learning something every day that will make a difference for good in all of your lives. When his cousin went to the centre, it helped him so I am sure it will him too as long as he is wanting to take advantage of all the help that he is offered. Don't give up hope even though it seems hopeless at times. Thanks again for keeping us informed. "
Learning about recovery is a process, not an event. So he is in there, learning the very, very basics of how to live without a substance. YOU, on the other hand, are out here learning how to deal with the manipulation, lieing and pain of addiction.... and you are not being surrounded 24/7 with advice and experience.
In addition to SR, I found that going to lots (and then LOTS AND LOTS) of face to face Alanon meetings helped ME with MY side of the dance of addiction. It is amazing how much power I have over my happiness and the happiness of my family... I had been giving it ALL away before!
I wish you the best... keep reading, keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
Hmmmm that was a really weird phone call. He just called acting all sweet. Said he called his dad and his dad is thinking of coming up there on sunday during visiting hours. That if I wanted his dad would swing by here and pick up the Suburban, because it is safer then his dads old car, and take me too. and then I could come and visit. AS soon as he said that my whole entire body started to shake. My face got flushed. And I litterally got scared. Why? I have no idea. So I was honest. I said if what he is learning from his friends there is how he treated me yesterday on the phone then no I couldn't come because I just would not be comfortable in that enviroment. Sorry. But I will wait till he gets home to see him. He asked me to think about it. Said he would call me later today to discuss it. Said he really wanted me to come up in the Suburban. Why he wants our car brought up I have no idea. I don't like this. Something is up. My radar is going off the charts for some reason. Our car is not leaving our driveway that is for sure.
I wonder what changed his tone so fast? I am going to call his parents tonight and find out what is up.
Nikki
I wonder what changed his tone so fast? I am going to call his parents tonight and find out what is up.
Nikki
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Originally Posted by Done-With-It 
Yup, ditto to most of what was said. Stand your ground. You teach people how to treat you, Your doing a good job. 
I also ditto what Amy said, when your coming off drugs, your an emotional mess, I am also not condoning his behavior because it is horrible, I wouldn't behave like that, and it's unacceptable. But my brain was so off when I was coming off, I was mad, sad, angry, happy, all at once. It made me feel crazy, and at times, I just wanted to go back on the meth so badly because that was what made me feel normal, not this sober stuff, that scared me because I didn't know how to control these mixed up feelings I was having. I said some things I look back on and now I'm like OMG, how embarrassing.
But people called me on, Thank God or I would not have know it wasn't normal behavior. So don't give him an ounce of sympathy for it, that's not what I mean, lol.
Keep on doing what your doing....... :ghug3
I also ditto what Amy said, when your coming off drugs, your an emotional mess, I am also not condoning his behavior because it is horrible, I wouldn't behave like that, and it's unacceptable. But my brain was so off when I was coming off, I was mad, sad, angry, happy, all at once. It made me feel crazy, and at times, I just wanted to go back on the meth so badly because that was what made me feel normal, not this sober stuff, that scared me because I didn't know how to control these mixed up feelings I was having. I said some things I look back on and now I'm like OMG, how embarrassing.
But people called me on, Thank God or I would not have know it wasn't normal behavior. So don't give him an ounce of sympathy for it, that's not what I mean, lol.
Keep on doing what your doing....... :ghug3
and I am jumping on the band wagon hon you have done good....print this out and send it to him the last week he is in rehab........LOL now that is what to get excited about see how the REAL man ( sorry just got an im from jr saying he is just out of rehab) reacts to what he has said or done........hang in and hang on it is one hell of a bumpy ride........:praying
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I thought that place was suppose to help at least a little bit. Seems like he is going to come out a lot worse then what he went in as. My hope meter just went way down.
Said he really wanted me to come up in the Suburban. Why he wants our car brought up I have no idea. I don't like this. Something is up. My radar is going off the charts for some reason.
Good instincts on your part. As soon as I read that, the first thought that crossed my mind is "he's thinking about 'bailing' ahead of schedulel Talk to your FIL, find out what he said to him and then explain that to you is sounds like he is 'bailing' amd that you will not be a part of itl
Also, talk to your doctors, and I think they will agree that he is not to return to the house and must go to a 1/2 way house (sober living facility) for at least 6 to 9 months to prove that his can show by his actions that he is working a program of recovery."
I say this for the safety of you and your children.
Trust you 'gut.' Sounds to me like its giving you good advice!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
more shall be revealed...
Trust your instincts.
He sure spends a lot of time on the phone for a guy in rehab. I have NEVER heard of them letting someone have such extensive phone priveleges. Usually they are in classes/meetings all day. I feel for the guy but I'm concerned for him that he's setting himself up for failure.
Trust your instincts.
He sure spends a lot of time on the phone for a guy in rehab. I have NEVER heard of them letting someone have such extensive phone priveleges. Usually they are in classes/meetings all day. I feel for the guy but I'm concerned for him that he's setting himself up for failure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
I don't think there is drugs or cash in the suburban. He was never ever allowed in that car without me. I carried the keys to that car. He only drove it(I can't drive because of my disability)when I or the family was with him, otherwise he used his jeep. We bought the car as the family car. The car he had kept the drugs in was his Jeep. But it is run down and now has a flat. It would not make it to where the treatment center is. 2 hours away. Plus his dad would never drive it. Both his dad and I don't smoke. AH does and did in the Jeep (not allowed to in the Suburban) agian why his dad would never drive the jeep.
But I could see him using the Suburban as a reason to bail early though. I do agree with that one.
Nikki
But I could see him using the Suburban as a reason to bail early though. I do agree with that one.
Nikki
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
AH phoned last night and agian tried to convince me to come down on Sunday. This time telling me to bring the boys too. He even said he would meet us out front and we could drive around for an hour and a half. I still said no. I am sorry I can't. There is no way I am going to go see him while he is in that enviroment. Not after how he talked to me on Wednesday. His emotions are obviously very close to the surface while he is there. He was understanding on the phone. Let me know he really wanted to see me and the boys. That he really is not like that and he is sorry for how he behaved. And said if I changed my mind to let him know so he could let his dad know.
I am not going to change my mind.
I also heard back from his parents too about this visit that he is talking about and this is what they have to say about it:
"He phoned and talked to his Dad yesterday. His Dad did say that he would try to come up and visit him, but AH didn't say anything about taking the suburban. I don't know what that is about, but His Dad said maybe he has told others that he has a suburban and is really proud of it and wants others to see it. Anyway we were just trying to figure out why he would say that. After church his Dad will try to go up, but I don't think I will be able to go because it will be too much for the kids(they are taking car of 3 grand kids for the next 3 months because their father is getting a bone marrow transplant because he has leukemia). I can understand why you want to stay home. I pray that AH going to the centre will turn out to be a good thing for all of you. Anyway His Dad would have and is going up in his own vehicle. Thanks for all your updates. We'll let you know how AH is doing if His dad goes up on Sunday."
So as you can see we are all staying in touch. His dad had no intention of using our Suburban even if it was offered. Thank goodness. Not that I don't trust my father in law. He is a mechanic and a very good one at that. But I don't want my car going up there. Anyway that is todays update. Last night when he called he sounded very depressed that I wasn't coming up. No mention of the money all day. And I never brought it up and I am not going to. He stressed he will follow all the boundaries when he gets home and apologized for his behaviour. Said he was just upset and stressed from a very hard day. I didn't argue or say anything. But I am sticking to my choice. No money and I am not going up there. No way no how.
Nikki
I am not going to change my mind.
I also heard back from his parents too about this visit that he is talking about and this is what they have to say about it:
"He phoned and talked to his Dad yesterday. His Dad did say that he would try to come up and visit him, but AH didn't say anything about taking the suburban. I don't know what that is about, but His Dad said maybe he has told others that he has a suburban and is really proud of it and wants others to see it. Anyway we were just trying to figure out why he would say that. After church his Dad will try to go up, but I don't think I will be able to go because it will be too much for the kids(they are taking car of 3 grand kids for the next 3 months because their father is getting a bone marrow transplant because he has leukemia). I can understand why you want to stay home. I pray that AH going to the centre will turn out to be a good thing for all of you. Anyway His Dad would have and is going up in his own vehicle. Thanks for all your updates. We'll let you know how AH is doing if His dad goes up on Sunday."
So as you can see we are all staying in touch. His dad had no intention of using our Suburban even if it was offered. Thank goodness. Not that I don't trust my father in law. He is a mechanic and a very good one at that. But I don't want my car going up there. Anyway that is todays update. Last night when he called he sounded very depressed that I wasn't coming up. No mention of the money all day. And I never brought it up and I am not going to. He stressed he will follow all the boundaries when he gets home and apologized for his behaviour. Said he was just upset and stressed from a very hard day. I didn't argue or say anything. But I am sticking to my choice. No money and I am not going up there. No way no how.
Nikki
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
You know Nikki, it reminds me of what my ex used to say and do. He would talk and talk and nothing he said made sense and it was all very suspect. He didn't know up from down. And everything was all about him. Even though he was clean at the time, he was still very much entrenched in his addict ways. You are doing the right thing by not going. He needs to get his head on straight and realize it's not all about him anymore.
Hang in there and focus on you and the kids. They are children right now and they need your support. He is an adult and needs to focus on taking care of himself. Honestly, after all he has put you through, he should be begging you for your forgiveness, not begging you for money or bragging about his car to other people in treatment. That is not what recovery is all about.
I'm sorry if that is harsh.
Hang in there and focus on you and the kids. They are children right now and they need your support. He is an adult and needs to focus on taking care of himself. Honestly, after all he has put you through, he should be begging you for your forgiveness, not begging you for money or bragging about his car to other people in treatment. That is not what recovery is all about.
I'm sorry if that is harsh.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Nikki, I'm just going to echo the others and say always trust your instinct. If something feels amiss, it probably is.
In rehab, in early recovery, his emotions may be all over the place, but that's no reason you have to share in his misery.
Good for you for taking a stand and not allowing him to bully or trick you out of it.
Hugs
In rehab, in early recovery, his emotions may be all over the place, but that's no reason you have to share in his misery.
Good for you for taking a stand and not allowing him to bully or trick you out of it.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you are doing so good in your recovery. you are very blessed to have in laws as you do. you sound as if you are doing all the right things. stay with it. i know it is not easy but it will pay off in the long run.prayers for him, you & all of the family.
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