That was so hard
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
That was so hard
but I did it. I told him I was not sending him the money. And I was right he is soooo mad. Before I told him he was all happy because he had just finished getting the package I had sent him of his fly tieing stuff. And I had also added a picture of his Grand father(who he idolized) as a surprise. He was so happy and was talking all loving one minute and then as soon as I told him I was not sending the money and I told him why WOW. He stated swearing and getting angry and of course it is my fault. I of course reminded him that he chose to spend the money that was going to be his smoke money before he left for treatment so he ended up with no money for treatment. And he made the deal with the guy for the smokes knowing before hand that I had said I would not buy smokes for him while he is in there. And he chose to make the wallet knowing he had no money, I didn't. I was sending his fly tieing stuff for him to have something to do instead. And it took my last $15 dollars to send it too. Nope not good eanough. So now he doesn't know if he will be calling for the rest of the time he is in there. Won't that make his son happy. And I have no right to treat him this way(have no idea what he means. I didn't yell or swear or anything, just said I couldn't send the money). Said he would never ask for anything ever agian. Said forget about all the hobbies and things he was thinking of doing when he gets out and what is the point of what he has been doing in there if this is how I am going to treate him with his own money.
WOW I feel lower then dirt right now. I didn't back down though. So I am going to go crawl under the dirt and go have a good cry and finish shaking. All this over $40 lousy bucks.
Nikki
WOW I feel lower then dirt right now. I didn't back down though. So I am going to go crawl under the dirt and go have a good cry and finish shaking. All this over $40 lousy bucks.
Nikki
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
Oh, good lord! I'm sorry you had to listen to his mean, 'victimized' bull sh*t! I feel sick after reading that, as it evokes memories of the ignorant, off-the-wall accusations that my exabf threw at me during our break up (except my exabf wasn't even in rehab...he just turned everything on me so he wouldn't have to be accountable for anything aside from the great skill of twisting the cap off a bottle and the tomahawk-chop motion that he so gracefully mastered as a beer chugging fool!)
You posted: So now he doesn't know if he will be calling for the rest of the time he is in there. Won't that make his son happy. And I have no right to treat him this way(have no idea what he means. I didn't yell or swear or anything, just said I couldn't send the money). Said he would never ask for anything ever agian. Said forget about all the hobbies and things he was thinking of doing when he gets out and what is the point of what he has been doing in there if this is how I am going to treate him with his own money.
I can't say for sure, but sounds like maybe he's just pouting like a fool because he feels powerless in there, and I'm sure he is very ashamed of himself for spending money even though he knew that there was none! His quick changeover from grateful for the fly fishing stuff to bratty, mean kid is just a quick anger flash that he used as a way to try and avert the fault to you, of course. Hopefully his time in rehab will teach him the error of transferring his burdens to you or anyone else!
Since you feel like dirt right now, how about you go and take a nice, warm, bubbling bath, relax and clean all that dirt off!
You have no reason to feel bad. In fact, I think you deserve a celebration for sticking to your guns and not giving in to him! Hope you allow yourself to enjoy a nice evening of relaxation and good thoughts...
You posted: So now he doesn't know if he will be calling for the rest of the time he is in there. Won't that make his son happy. And I have no right to treat him this way(have no idea what he means. I didn't yell or swear or anything, just said I couldn't send the money). Said he would never ask for anything ever agian. Said forget about all the hobbies and things he was thinking of doing when he gets out and what is the point of what he has been doing in there if this is how I am going to treate him with his own money.
I can't say for sure, but sounds like maybe he's just pouting like a fool because he feels powerless in there, and I'm sure he is very ashamed of himself for spending money even though he knew that there was none! His quick changeover from grateful for the fly fishing stuff to bratty, mean kid is just a quick anger flash that he used as a way to try and avert the fault to you, of course. Hopefully his time in rehab will teach him the error of transferring his burdens to you or anyone else!
Since you feel like dirt right now, how about you go and take a nice, warm, bubbling bath, relax and clean all that dirt off!
You have no reason to feel bad. In fact, I think you deserve a celebration for sticking to your guns and not giving in to him! Hope you allow yourself to enjoy a nice evening of relaxation and good thoughts...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Good job Nikki! Hugs first of all and come on out from under that dirt! You did what we are all learning to do (or have learned). I can't say I've had the same experience, however reading your post I could "feel" what you're feeling - the fine I'll never whatever again (how 2nd grade is that?) and I won't this and that, blah blah blah. He's going to throw everything good out the window because he can't get cigarettes? Wow, he values his happiness very cheaply - but you keep on valuing yours highly! You are an inspiration! Know it was hard, but try to take tryingtoheal's advice and be good to yourself!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
I've been reading your posts Nikki and I
m so proud of you. I know its hard but stand strong!! Tomorrows another day and as soon as he knows you mean business the better off you'll all be.... Be hugs!! Now ~ put things out of your head and do something nice for yourself. Smiles, Bonnie
m so proud of you. I know its hard but stand strong!! Tomorrows another day and as soon as he knows you mean business the better off you'll all be.... Be hugs!! Now ~ put things out of your head and do something nice for yourself. Smiles, Bonnie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Good Job! I know it is soo hard to say no to them. They are master manipulators! they are all good unless they do not get thier way. My exh is like that too. then he follows up with "fine, i'll never ask for anything again. Or fine. I'll never call you again" Oh boy if I had a nickel...But they always call back...always ask for something...He'll get over it probobly before you do so don't be so hard on yourself. He has to learn the consequenses of his actions. He spent his money, period. He needs to learn that you are not always going to bail him out when he makes poor choices. Stay strong!!! Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
I am so glad I found this place. Your support is helping so much. After I posted that. I sat tehre looking at teh phoning thinking, call and I will tell you I will send the money when it gets here. Then I read your replies. And you know, your right. His behaviour was childish. Everytime I tried to say something he would instantly say the "enough or I will hang up." or "This conversation is over." or other such things. I told him it was his choices not mine and he knew before hand and he would intrupt me with one of those lines. Or say I was going back on my word from yesterday. I also asked him why is it that he felt he had the right to punish me (by not phoning, know how I would react to it) for me not giving him money for something he knew ahead of time he had no money for. He said I had no right to treat him this way with his own money when he is working so hard in there. Really answered my qiestion.
It was amazing how quick he went from being so loving to being so angry. I have such a headache now. But I know one thing now that I think about it. His anger only strengthened my resolve to not send it.
Nikki
It was amazing how quick he went from being so loving to being so angry. I have such a headache now. But I know one thing now that I think about it. His anger only strengthened my resolve to not send it.
Nikki
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
Originally Posted by kj21 
Good Job! I know it is soo hard to say no to them. They are master manipulators! they are all good unless they do not get thier way. My exh is like that too. then he follows up with "fine, i'll never ask for anything again. Or fine. I'll never call you again" Oh boy if I had a nickel...But they always call back...always ask for something...He'll get over it probobly before you do so don't be so hard on yourself. He has to learn the consequenses of his actions. He spent his money, period. He needs to learn that you are not always going to bail him out when he makes poor choices. Stay strong!!! Hugs
I did email them to give them a heads up though. All the family is being kept aware. No one will lend him money or anything. I just hope I can be as strong. His dad tells everyone to ask me first.
Nikki
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
GREAT JOB NIKKI!!!!!!!!
Not only is this "Quacking" this shows he is still in addict mode and setting up an excuse for him to use AGAIN.
Nope, nope, nope, that is an old tape from his years of manipulation.
As was suggested, after son is in bed, take yourself a nice Bubble Bath, relax and pat yourself on the back, you did real good!!!!
Love and hugs,
Said forget about all the hobbies and things he was thinking of doing when he gets out and what is the point of what he has been doing in there if this is how I am going to treate him with his own money.
WOW I feel lower then dirt right now.
As was suggested, after son is in bed, take yourself a nice Bubble Bath, relax and pat yourself on the back, you did real good!!!!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 138
Nikki---this is great! I am so happy for you sticking to your boundary!
And that is also so awesome that his family knows what is going on (as I have said before, my only "regret" is not telling my RABF's family the first time he tried to get clean---would have at least saved them some money he "borrowed" during his relapse). Hopefully they will take your advice and not send him anything either.
I know it is hard. It would be so easy just to give into him, especially with all the whining and crying addicts like to do. But in the long run, it will be good for him (and for your relationship with him) that you didn't give in!!!
Oh, and I know no one can tell you how to feel, but---don't feel lower than dirt! You did an awesome thing, and don't let his manipulations influence your opinion of yourself.
Way to go!
<3, Vanessa
And that is also so awesome that his family knows what is going on (as I have said before, my only "regret" is not telling my RABF's family the first time he tried to get clean---would have at least saved them some money he "borrowed" during his relapse). Hopefully they will take your advice and not send him anything either.
I know it is hard. It would be so easy just to give into him, especially with all the whining and crying addicts like to do. But in the long run, it will be good for him (and for your relationship with him) that you didn't give in!!!
Oh, and I know no one can tell you how to feel, but---don't feel lower than dirt! You did an awesome thing, and don't let his manipulations influence your opinion of yourself.
Way to go!
<3, Vanessa
Ending the Old Me.
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Under a Rock
Posts: 377
As a guy, I have sympathy for the guy; he's in rehab, fighting an addiction.
As a guy, your guy really needs to grow up and man up!
Good job holding your ground! Now smile and pat yourself on the back.
As a guy, your guy really needs to grow up and man up!
Good job holding your ground! Now smile and pat yourself on the back.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Nikki)))
You did great!! I'm a recovering addict and left my XABF because he kept using. His favorite way to deal with ANY conversation that wasn't going his way was to say "that's it, conversation over" and put his hand up in my face. Your post reminded me of one of the reasons I left him...thank you!
They DO always come back, and usually ask for something else. Hopefully he will learn some things in rehab (like being accountable for your own debts). You took a HUGE step forward in telling him "no" and like Hangin' and the others said, it will get a bit easier each time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You did great!! I'm a recovering addict and left my XABF because he kept using. His favorite way to deal with ANY conversation that wasn't going his way was to say "that's it, conversation over" and put his hand up in my face. Your post reminded me of one of the reasons I left him...thank you!
They DO always come back, and usually ask for something else. Hopefully he will learn some things in rehab (like being accountable for your own debts). You took a HUGE step forward in telling him "no" and like Hangin' and the others said, it will get a bit easier each time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
Do they go to a special school that teaches them how to make us feel as rotten as possible? He phoned a little while ago. Of course to do all he could to convince me to send the money. Then he tried the reverse psych thing by saying "keep all teh money, I don't care any more. I don't want any of it." Stuff. Then when that didn't work and I was still calm he really got mad and started swearing so I told him to stop disrespecting me and that is when he decided to really rip me apart. He said well I didn't want to tell you but the real reason I am in here is because of you and your disabilities. (I have several psych disabilities that make me mainly home bound). So he started to tell me how it is all my fault and tear me up. I know I shouldn't let it get to me. I should be saying it is not my fault or what is it "I didn't Cause it" but after all he said it is hard not to believe it. I feel so awful and so guilty right now.
And then he said when he gets home there will be some changes. And I said not to my boundaries there isn't. Not till you regain my trust. And he said you have no right to control me or hold me under your thumb. And I said ensuring the money is safe so bills can be paid and food bought is not holding you under my thumb. And requiring you to be drug tested periodically because i have young kids here and refuse to have an active drug user in my home is not having you under my thumb it is protecting my children. There is a huge difference. I let him know that my doctors stood behind every one of my boundaries and he had to live with them before he left and knew that he would have to live with them when he got back. He said they only agreed with them because I had them wrapped around my thumb. I said I only told them facts. And then he threw at me that we will see if he will come home or not. So now I am wondering just how honest he is being in there. Or is he just giving his usual sob story and making me and everyone else out to sound like horrible people.
Oh my life is so grand tonight. And all of this over $40 lousy bucks. He values us for so little it seems. My head feels like it is going to explode and my chest feels like it is going to cave in but I stood my ground. I made sure he knew that if he was coming here he was coming here under the same rules. He had to earn trust back.
I am worried. To be honest the man that talked to me this time sounded a lot worse then the man that went in. His fuse was a lot shorter. He wouldn't even let me get one word in edge wise and he was actually believing some of his own lies. I thought that place was suppose to help at least a little bit. Seems like he is going to come out a lot worse then what he went in as. My hope meter just went way down.
Nikki
And then he said when he gets home there will be some changes. And I said not to my boundaries there isn't. Not till you regain my trust. And he said you have no right to control me or hold me under your thumb. And I said ensuring the money is safe so bills can be paid and food bought is not holding you under my thumb. And requiring you to be drug tested periodically because i have young kids here and refuse to have an active drug user in my home is not having you under my thumb it is protecting my children. There is a huge difference. I let him know that my doctors stood behind every one of my boundaries and he had to live with them before he left and knew that he would have to live with them when he got back. He said they only agreed with them because I had them wrapped around my thumb. I said I only told them facts. And then he threw at me that we will see if he will come home or not. So now I am wondering just how honest he is being in there. Or is he just giving his usual sob story and making me and everyone else out to sound like horrible people.
Oh my life is so grand tonight. And all of this over $40 lousy bucks. He values us for so little it seems. My head feels like it is going to explode and my chest feels like it is going to cave in but I stood my ground. I made sure he knew that if he was coming here he was coming here under the same rules. He had to earn trust back.
I am worried. To be honest the man that talked to me this time sounded a lot worse then the man that went in. His fuse was a lot shorter. He wouldn't even let me get one word in edge wise and he was actually believing some of his own lies. I thought that place was suppose to help at least a little bit. Seems like he is going to come out a lot worse then what he went in as. My hope meter just went way down.
Nikki
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Nikki))))
Rehab just scratches the surface of addiction. Remember, he is just now trying to deal with life without being able to numb out "inconveniences" I am absolutely NOT condoning his actions....just trying to explain why his fuse is a lot shorter. Getting clean is the easy part....it's staying clean that's hard.
I look back at some of the things I said/did when I was active and feel like it was someon else in my mind/body. It's hard to explain to someone who's NOT an A, when even I don't understand why I did what I did. He's still showing A behavior, just without the dope.
Keep taking care of you and the kids. When you realize you can do fine without him, it's easier to keep your boundaries. You're doing great....sorry he's being such a jerk, but it's the voice of addiction talking. He thinks you are "safe" - he can strike out at you and you'll take whatever he dishes out. What he says about you has nothing to do with you personally...he's just trying to find blame for all the anger and frustration he feels, and hasn't realized the only one to blame is him.
The more you don't listen to his tirades, the faster he will realize they don't work.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Rehab just scratches the surface of addiction. Remember, he is just now trying to deal with life without being able to numb out "inconveniences" I am absolutely NOT condoning his actions....just trying to explain why his fuse is a lot shorter. Getting clean is the easy part....it's staying clean that's hard.
I look back at some of the things I said/did when I was active and feel like it was someon else in my mind/body. It's hard to explain to someone who's NOT an A, when even I don't understand why I did what I did. He's still showing A behavior, just without the dope.
Keep taking care of you and the kids. When you realize you can do fine without him, it's easier to keep your boundaries. You're doing great....sorry he's being such a jerk, but it's the voice of addiction talking. He thinks you are "safe" - he can strike out at you and you'll take whatever he dishes out. What he says about you has nothing to do with you personally...he's just trying to find blame for all the anger and frustration he feels, and hasn't realized the only one to blame is him.
The more you don't listen to his tirades, the faster he will realize they don't work.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
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Ditto to what Impurrfect said.
He will continue to blame until he gets honest with himself. And from what I've seen, it takes all us folks in recovery a while to be able to be real honest. Right now he's angry with himself, but can't admit that so he's lashing out at you. You're an easy target, well, have always been in the past, so you're it. Tonight he heard a woman who is standing her ground, setting her boundary, and he is not used to that. What you heard tonight is a temper tantrum. He isn't getting what he wants. Well, bless his heart...
.
Don't mean to sound cold, but Nikki, you took a HUGE step tonight toward recovery. There will be other times you need to say no. And this first "no" tonight will make the next one easier.
Please, do NOT buy into his blame game. If he can keep all the focus on you and you buy into it, then he won't be forced to look at himself.
If this were me and he called again with all that blame, I'd find a reason to get off the phone. My sponsor told me I was enabling my daughter when I continued to let her rant and rave at me. She said, "Get off the phone when she is doing that blame and threatening stuff." It was very good advice. It's just amazing how the blame began to cease when I wasn't willing to take it.
CONGRATS TO YOU, NIKKI! It's hard, this recovery thing, for both the addict and us. But it's so worth it, Nikki. You might not feel it tonight, but just keep hanging on, walking through the pain to the peace. It's there for the taking....keep going.
Hugs and prayers. You done good, girl. You done good.
Hangin' In
He will continue to blame until he gets honest with himself. And from what I've seen, it takes all us folks in recovery a while to be able to be real honest. Right now he's angry with himself, but can't admit that so he's lashing out at you. You're an easy target, well, have always been in the past, so you're it. Tonight he heard a woman who is standing her ground, setting her boundary, and he is not used to that. What you heard tonight is a temper tantrum. He isn't getting what he wants. Well, bless his heart...
.Don't mean to sound cold, but Nikki, you took a HUGE step tonight toward recovery. There will be other times you need to say no. And this first "no" tonight will make the next one easier.
Please, do NOT buy into his blame game. If he can keep all the focus on you and you buy into it, then he won't be forced to look at himself.
If this were me and he called again with all that blame, I'd find a reason to get off the phone. My sponsor told me I was enabling my daughter when I continued to let her rant and rave at me. She said, "Get off the phone when she is doing that blame and threatening stuff." It was very good advice. It's just amazing how the blame began to cease when I wasn't willing to take it.
CONGRATS TO YOU, NIKKI! It's hard, this recovery thing, for both the addict and us. But it's so worth it, Nikki. You might not feel it tonight, but just keep hanging on, walking through the pain to the peace. It's there for the taking....keep going.
Hugs and prayers. You done good, girl. You done good.
Hangin' In
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Yup, ditto to most of what was said. Stand your ground. You teach people how to treat you, Your doing a good job.
I also ditto what Amy said, when your coming off drugs, your an emotional mess, I am also not condoning his behavior because it is horrible, I wouldn't behave like that, and it's unacceptable. But my brain was so off when I was coming off, I was mad, sad, angry, happy, all at once. It made me feel crazy, and at times, I just wanted to go back on the meth so badly because that was what made me feel normal, not this sober stuff, that scared me because I didn't know how to control these mixed up feelings I was having. I said some things I look back on and now I'm like OMG, how embarrassing.
But people called me on, Thank God or I would not have know it wasn't normal behavior. So don't give him an ounce of sympathy for it, that's not what I mean, lol.
Keep on doing what your doing....... :ghug3
I also ditto what Amy said, when your coming off drugs, your an emotional mess, I am also not condoning his behavior because it is horrible, I wouldn't behave like that, and it's unacceptable. But my brain was so off when I was coming off, I was mad, sad, angry, happy, all at once. It made me feel crazy, and at times, I just wanted to go back on the meth so badly because that was what made me feel normal, not this sober stuff, that scared me because I didn't know how to control these mixed up feelings I was having. I said some things I look back on and now I'm like OMG, how embarrassing.
But people called me on, Thank God or I would not have know it wasn't normal behavior. So don't give him an ounce of sympathy for it, that's not what I mean, lol.
Keep on doing what your doing....... :ghug3
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Oh just wipe that dirt off Nikki, because you are shining so brightly here and have just taken a HUGE step in taking care of yourself and your children.
To all their whining about ME, ME, ME, I just say Pfffffffftttttttt! Life isn't all about them and it's time they knew it.
Something that helped me get out of the dirt and make sand castles, was to make it clear I would not listen to that kind of abusive talk, on the phone or anyplace else. As soon as a conversation gets angry or heated, this codie is done and just hangs up the phone, even if it is mid-sentence.
When we respect ourselves enough to set healthy boundaries, others will begin to respect us too. Sometimes they have to have a temper tantrum first and try to push all the "guilt" buttons, but when they see that no longer works, they learn.....and we thrive.
Huge hugs to you, this was a brave thing to do and just shows that recovery can work.
To all their whining about ME, ME, ME, I just say Pfffffffftttttttt! Life isn't all about them and it's time they knew it.
Something that helped me get out of the dirt and make sand castles, was to make it clear I would not listen to that kind of abusive talk, on the phone or anyplace else. As soon as a conversation gets angry or heated, this codie is done and just hangs up the phone, even if it is mid-sentence.
When we respect ourselves enough to set healthy boundaries, others will begin to respect us too. Sometimes they have to have a temper tantrum first and try to push all the "guilt" buttons, but when they see that no longer works, they learn.....and we thrive.
Huge hugs to you, this was a brave thing to do and just shows that recovery can work.
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