i kicked her out...and now i feel guilty
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: north carolina
Posts: 139
i kicked her out...and now i feel guilty
i kicked my daughter out of my house two days ago. i actually don't think it is legal in my state so i will probaly get in trouble for it. but the thing is now i feel so guilty. she has ran away before but never cause i told her to get out.
it started with the same 'ole crap. the lying and using and arguements. it came to a head next day after my last thread and she was trying to pick a fight with me again. i am so DONE arguing all the time.
long story short, she spit on me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she had a mouthful of toothpaste and came all the way to my room with it just to spit on me! i have never in my life been spit on by someone!!! much less my own kid. i lost my cool told her to get her sh*t and get out!!!
that was day before yesterday. now i am feeling guilty and worried and all the other crap. she's only 16. what have i done???????????
it started with the same 'ole crap. the lying and using and arguements. it came to a head next day after my last thread and she was trying to pick a fight with me again. i am so DONE arguing all the time.
long story short, she spit on me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she had a mouthful of toothpaste and came all the way to my room with it just to spit on me! i have never in my life been spit on by someone!!! much less my own kid. i lost my cool told her to get her sh*t and get out!!!
that was day before yesterday. now i am feeling guilty and worried and all the other crap. she's only 16. what have i done???????????
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Oh sweetie, I don't have any words except I'm sorry. Your not a bad mom, I know that is some where in your thoughts. But your not.
I'm so sorry this is such a bad time for you.....
Sending you love and light, and prayers for a better year.
I'm so sorry this is such a bad time for you.....
Sending you love and light, and prayers for a better year.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Its very possible that you've done something that will, in the long run, change her life for the better.
My kid wasn't 16, so I feel for you so much.
When she returns (I believe she will) you may want to try to change the playing field a bit.
I couldn't bring myself to kick my kid out. But I was able to finally develop a set of "rules" or boundaries that pertained to my home and me.
After that, it was HIS choice to stay or leave.
I'm so sorry...it sounds like she's successfully baited you, and now you have guilt.
Wishing you brighter days
(((Hugs)))
Cece
My kid wasn't 16, so I feel for you so much.
When she returns (I believe she will) you may want to try to change the playing field a bit.
I couldn't bring myself to kick my kid out. But I was able to finally develop a set of "rules" or boundaries that pertained to my home and me.
After that, it was HIS choice to stay or leave.
I'm so sorry...it sounds like she's successfully baited you, and now you have guilt.
Wishing you brighter days
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((sjr)))
We can only take so much, and something has to change.
If you think about it, she has ALWAYS had a soft place to fall, so chances are, she'll want to come back.
When that happens be prepared by having your boundaries, and your rules of living, in your home, in place.
This isn't much different than her taking off for a few days, what IS different is that you said "NO MORE"
THIS just may be a life changing event in her life.
I'm praying, and have my fingers crossed all at the same time.
Hugs to you,
NO GUILT.
NO GUILT.
We can only take so much, and something has to change.
If you think about it, she has ALWAYS had a soft place to fall, so chances are, she'll want to come back.
When that happens be prepared by having your boundaries, and your rules of living, in your home, in place.
This isn't much different than her taking off for a few days, what IS different is that you said "NO MORE"
THIS just may be a life changing event in her life.
I'm praying, and have my fingers crossed all at the same time.
Hugs to you,
NO GUILT.
NO GUILT.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: north carolina
Posts: 139
believe me i never thought i could kick my kid out either. she has put me through hell and back but i have never wanted her gone. i just got soooo angry when she spit on me. it was like i was a piece of trash she could treat however she pleased. i lost my temper but not in blow up kind of way ya know? it was more like she just ripped my heart out kind of way. i could never treat anyone the way she treats me, especially not my mom, not matter what our differences we're.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
You set your boundaries weeks ago. She crossed them. Hold the line and don't keep moving it. She'll be back and most likely with respect. Enjoy the peace for now. Is she in school? If so, you might want to call the school tomorrow and see if she's there.
HOLD THE LINE. I keep moving mine and it's not working.
Hugs for a better 2008!:codiepolice
HOLD THE LINE. I keep moving mine and it's not working.
Hugs for a better 2008!:codiepolice
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
One of the worst things I ever had to do was to kick our AD out before she turned 18. I tried to do something prior to that but did not know what to do. We called the police a couple times and they told us if they were called back the third time, she would have to be taken to a juvenile home.
When things kept getting progressively worse and she was continuing to lie to us and cause all kinds of chaos, fighting and drama, I realized one day when my younger, sober daughter said to me that I was not there for her because I was so caught up in her sister's drama. I realized that I had to make a major decision, along with my husband, for the survival of our family. We gave AD several warnings about her lying and behavior and the final warning came, she was fully aware of it and we had all her "stuff" packed up and out on the porch. We told her she could not come back home until SHE made a promise to us to try to not lie any longer and to change her behavior to suit our lives; we were NOT going to do it the other way - NO MORE!
And we stuck to it and she stuck to her behavior and lying and getting deeper and deeper into her downfall. We always told her she could come home but it meant a change and a decision by her. She said she would not change for us so that was that.
It has been many years, she will be 27 in FEb. but for the first time, she is back in our lives with her own 2 1/2 yr old daughter but only because she has changed her behavior 180. We are taking baby steps but she says she knows that we have our boundaries and she realizes what we will and will not tolerate. She also tells us that it is because we set a "standard" of behavior in our home that she knew she had to change things in order to come back and bring her daughter to her grandparents. She says she is thankful that we did not allow her to ruin everything.
It is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to deal with but hold tight. Don't allow her to manipulate you and let yourself be lost. I am strong and now here for my AD and without guilt on her part for destroying me. I did not allow myself or the rest of my family to be destroyed by the addiction.
You are not alone; there are a lot of us who understand what you are going through.
Hugs,
Marteen
When things kept getting progressively worse and she was continuing to lie to us and cause all kinds of chaos, fighting and drama, I realized one day when my younger, sober daughter said to me that I was not there for her because I was so caught up in her sister's drama. I realized that I had to make a major decision, along with my husband, for the survival of our family. We gave AD several warnings about her lying and behavior and the final warning came, she was fully aware of it and we had all her "stuff" packed up and out on the porch. We told her she could not come back home until SHE made a promise to us to try to not lie any longer and to change her behavior to suit our lives; we were NOT going to do it the other way - NO MORE!
And we stuck to it and she stuck to her behavior and lying and getting deeper and deeper into her downfall. We always told her she could come home but it meant a change and a decision by her. She said she would not change for us so that was that.
It has been many years, she will be 27 in FEb. but for the first time, she is back in our lives with her own 2 1/2 yr old daughter but only because she has changed her behavior 180. We are taking baby steps but she says she knows that we have our boundaries and she realizes what we will and will not tolerate. She also tells us that it is because we set a "standard" of behavior in our home that she knew she had to change things in order to come back and bring her daughter to her grandparents. She says she is thankful that we did not allow her to ruin everything.
It is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to deal with but hold tight. Don't allow her to manipulate you and let yourself be lost. I am strong and now here for my AD and without guilt on her part for destroying me. I did not allow myself or the rest of my family to be destroyed by the addiction.
You are not alone; there are a lot of us who understand what you are going through.
Hugs,
Marteen
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
We teach them, in part, by our actions. You set a boundary of no assaulting you in your own home. That is an excellent example that she can take into HER adulthood.
We had to have my daughter leave when she was far too young, far too immature, and far too vulnerable. But she survived. They have a bit of an underground network, you know. There is always a sofa for a night or two... they find warm clothes, places to stay... and they learn the value of the home they took for granted. That, also, is a very valuable lesson.
During this time, I had to find lots and lots of face to face meetings - they helped me get through.
(((hugs)))
We had to have my daughter leave when she was far too young, far too immature, and far too vulnerable. But she survived. They have a bit of an underground network, you know. There is always a sofa for a night or two... they find warm clothes, places to stay... and they learn the value of the home they took for granted. That, also, is a very valuable lesson.
During this time, I had to find lots and lots of face to face meetings - they helped me get through.
(((hugs)))
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
And what if you hadn't taken any action? The message to her would have been that it's just fine for her to spit on you.
I think you did the right thing. And I know how hard it was and I know about 2nd guessing your decisions. Boundaries are some of the healthiest things we can do for ourselves and you set yours. Way to go.
I have a feeling she'll be back pretty soon.
Until then, don't beat yourself up. You deserve respect and teaching your daughter to respect you is good mothering if you ask me.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
I think you did the right thing. And I know how hard it was and I know about 2nd guessing your decisions. Boundaries are some of the healthiest things we can do for ourselves and you set yours. Way to go.
I have a feeling she'll be back pretty soon.
Until then, don't beat yourself up. You deserve respect and teaching your daughter to respect you is good mothering if you ask me.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((((SJR)))))))))
She'll survive. They do that. I picked up my son once and he had been sleeping in the basement of an apartment building. Boxes and bags of clothing thrown about, so he could make a warm place to sleep.
It tore my heart out to see that. Yet, I stayed strong. I picked him up and took him to the hospital. He was in the psychiatric ward for 2 days. Got caught using in the restroom and was kicked out. He was in the middle of his spiral to rock bottom. I stood back and let things happen. Even though I wanted so badly to "fix" things. I knew that I would just be prolonging the inevitable.
I'm sorry your daughter was so disrespecting to you. She tested you, and failed. That is all she knows. Now, when she comes home it will be on your terms, not hers. Here's hugging you. You need to stay strong through this. She will come around. It might take a few days, but once she gets a taste of homelessness...
Get your mind right. Get your boundries laid out. What you will tolerate and what you won't. Then present them to her in a firm, "this is the way it's going to be" mode. She had no right to treat you that way and she needs to realize that mom is not as weak as she "thinks" she is.
My prayers and support are with you today.
They have a bit of an underground network, you know.-Big Sis
It tore my heart out to see that. Yet, I stayed strong. I picked him up and took him to the hospital. He was in the psychiatric ward for 2 days. Got caught using in the restroom and was kicked out. He was in the middle of his spiral to rock bottom. I stood back and let things happen. Even though I wanted so badly to "fix" things. I knew that I would just be prolonging the inevitable.
I'm sorry your daughter was so disrespecting to you. She tested you, and failed. That is all she knows. Now, when she comes home it will be on your terms, not hers. Here's hugging you. You need to stay strong through this. She will come around. It might take a few days, but once she gets a taste of homelessness...
Get your mind right. Get your boundries laid out. What you will tolerate and what you won't. Then present them to her in a firm, "this is the way it's going to be" mode. She had no right to treat you that way and she needs to realize that mom is not as weak as she "thinks" she is.
My prayers and support are with you today.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
My boys are young enough at this point that no one is using mind altering substances. But, I can tell you that if one of came and found me with a mouth full of tooth paste and spit it on me I'd not be able to control my response. It would be safer to be kicked out of my house than to be around me after you did something like that. Addicts are very resourceful and most likely she'll be back sooner rather than later. My brother had to kick his under 18 year old out several times and it about killed him. My nephew always did "okay". He is finally clean, got into college, and is looking to start an NA meeting up in Boone. The times that my brother kicked him out it was necessary - because nephew had crossed the boundaries that he knew had to be met to continue to live there. My brother didn't kick him out so much as he chose behaviors that indicated that he wanted to leave. I know the anguish that my brother felt when nephew was out so I can imagine how you feel. Remember, she has her higher power watching over her. Maybe this is just what she needs today.
My thoughts and prayers are with you - Donna
My thoughts and prayers are with you - Donna
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((sjr))))
Sorry I'm late, but sending you hugs and prayers. You did the right thing, even though I know it has to be hard on you. After all the drama my 14-year-old niece caused Christmas day, and cussed me out royally and told me she hated my guts, I just told her that I loved her, but I really didn't like her when she acted like that. Found out she called one night to apologize to me and tell me she loves me, but I was at work.
She is an addict and a teenager. If she's anything like my niece, she thinks the world revolves around her and doesn't seem to care about anyone unless they can benefit her. Every now and then we see the sweet side of her, but mostly it is the angry, manipulative, lying side. I've set my boundaries and even though I still fall to her bait sometimes (and argue and scream back at her), I'm getting better. I've told her I will always back her when she's right, but I'll call her on her sh** when she's wrong. It's taking time, but she's learning and feels worse about arguing with me, than with my dad or stepmom (who don't set boundaries)
I hope you can take care of you and realize that you are a very good mom and you don't deserve to be treated the way she is treating you. My niece DOES treat my stepmom like your daughter treats you....because she never has to face consequences from my stepmom.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Sorry I'm late, but sending you hugs and prayers. You did the right thing, even though I know it has to be hard on you. After all the drama my 14-year-old niece caused Christmas day, and cussed me out royally and told me she hated my guts, I just told her that I loved her, but I really didn't like her when she acted like that. Found out she called one night to apologize to me and tell me she loves me, but I was at work.
She is an addict and a teenager. If she's anything like my niece, she thinks the world revolves around her and doesn't seem to care about anyone unless they can benefit her. Every now and then we see the sweet side of her, but mostly it is the angry, manipulative, lying side. I've set my boundaries and even though I still fall to her bait sometimes (and argue and scream back at her), I'm getting better. I've told her I will always back her when she's right, but I'll call her on her sh** when she's wrong. It's taking time, but she's learning and feels worse about arguing with me, than with my dad or stepmom (who don't set boundaries)
I hope you can take care of you and realize that you are a very good mom and you don't deserve to be treated the way she is treating you. My niece DOES treat my stepmom like your daughter treats you....because she never has to face consequences from my stepmom.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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