i kicked her out...and now i feel guilty
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In the Heart of Dixie
Posts: 128
If she is anything like my daughter, she will be back!! I am always terrified of what will happen to Lauren when she is gone but you know what?? She seems to make it better than I do!! She will be back believe me!!! I always feel so guilty when Lauren leaves but why I don't know!! Hugs to you both!! Deanna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: north carolina
Posts: 139
thank you all for your responses. i haven't heard a peep from her. i haven't called yet to see if she is in school today. i doubt it. i went and got sick again over all this stupid stress. missed work. agghhh...i can't start that cycle again. i've lost to much already. i gotta keep what little bit of my belongings and sanity i still have. the phone hasn't rang here. and usually when she is home our land line blows up, so i am assuming everyone knows she is gone.~~the cell phone she fought me over ...well she 'lost' the charger so she can't use it....whatever. another excuse for not taking care of her things. the school will call me later if she didn't go today. so we will see. i am sure she is okay. but it is the not knowing where she is that drives me crazy. and then of course i let my imagination run wild with what she is doing.....everytime i see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, it quickly goes away.
i was thinking of something she said to me the other day ....she said 'we we're getting along just fine and now you have gone and ruined it'....how is it in her head we we're getting along just fine...we weren't. and then it compounded with all the lies that i confronted her on. i still haven't been able to get ahold of her dad, why he let her stay here alone i have no idea!!!! he has about as much responsiblity in taking care of what is his than my dog does for his toys....and he rips his toys to shred!!
i am trying not to take inventory of our lives...but it is hard. i can look back and know i could of done, should of done, many things differently...i know that doesn't help or change anything, but it is my nature to obcess over details. i have always done. i try to change, but owell...not today i guess. somebody said here it was like being on a seesaw...up/down/up/down...i can't remember who it was...but that's exactly how i feel right now. except i feel like i am not in the control of the seesaw...i am just along for the ride.
i have lost control. of my home, of my life, and most certainly of my kid. i have to learn how to take it back. i offer her help in anyway i can. she never wants to talk about her drug problem, she says there isn't a drug problem. if only that we're true. she admits to doing drugs, but says 'no problem' i can stop when i want to. but she doesn't. and she doesn't want to. i still wonder how i can help her when she doesn't want it. i have done all the things i can think of with out dragging her by the hair of the head to a rehab. which of course i couldn't pay for when i got her there.
i don't know why i am reambling...lack of sleep, being sick, and feeling sorry for myself i guess. i started this just wanting to say thanks to you guys. without of your support i would be lost in this world alone. and i want you all to know how much i appreciate your words of wisdom and faith.
i'm just gonna lean a little on you guys right now.~~if you need to lean back at least we can keep each other upright!!
thanks again....shelly
i was thinking of something she said to me the other day ....she said 'we we're getting along just fine and now you have gone and ruined it'....how is it in her head we we're getting along just fine...we weren't. and then it compounded with all the lies that i confronted her on. i still haven't been able to get ahold of her dad, why he let her stay here alone i have no idea!!!! he has about as much responsiblity in taking care of what is his than my dog does for his toys....and he rips his toys to shred!!
i am trying not to take inventory of our lives...but it is hard. i can look back and know i could of done, should of done, many things differently...i know that doesn't help or change anything, but it is my nature to obcess over details. i have always done. i try to change, but owell...not today i guess. somebody said here it was like being on a seesaw...up/down/up/down...i can't remember who it was...but that's exactly how i feel right now. except i feel like i am not in the control of the seesaw...i am just along for the ride.
i have lost control. of my home, of my life, and most certainly of my kid. i have to learn how to take it back. i offer her help in anyway i can. she never wants to talk about her drug problem, she says there isn't a drug problem. if only that we're true. she admits to doing drugs, but says 'no problem' i can stop when i want to. but she doesn't. and she doesn't want to. i still wonder how i can help her when she doesn't want it. i have done all the things i can think of with out dragging her by the hair of the head to a rehab. which of course i couldn't pay for when i got her there.
i don't know why i am reambling...lack of sleep, being sick, and feeling sorry for myself i guess. i started this just wanting to say thanks to you guys. without of your support i would be lost in this world alone. and i want you all to know how much i appreciate your words of wisdom and faith.
i'm just gonna lean a little on you guys right now.~~if you need to lean back at least we can keep each other upright!!
thanks again....shelly
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Shelly,
Lean all you want. That's what we're here for. I've had to lean a lot on my road of recovery and I've been so thankful folks were here for me.
Your daugther has distorted thinking due to her addiction. I doubt she thinks y'all were getting along just fine, but it helps her escape her responsiblity when she can blame you for "ruining" it. I know it was always easy for me to get sucked into these types conversations with my daughter when she was using and the conversations only ended up in a fight. They were never good.
So I went to my meetings, posted here and listened to wise folks who were in my shoes but seemed to have a whole lot more peace than I had. They told me to get out of the way, quit cushioning my daughter's falls and let her deal with her addiction. Then they told me to take healthy care of me, to not take to heart what she said, to "let it go by like the wind" and keep the focus on me.
Shelly, there is no magic pill to make all this better. But I can tell you when I started doing what these folks, who had experience in recovery, told me to do, I started getting better, feeling better. I realized just like my daughter was addicted to the drug, I was addicted to her. And unless I did something to get out of it, her addiction was going to kill me.
If you can get to a meeting, I'd sure recommend it. Meetings, this board and getting on the same page with my higher power are the only way I've survived.
Hugs and prayers for you and your daughter,
Hangin' In
Lean all you want. That's what we're here for. I've had to lean a lot on my road of recovery and I've been so thankful folks were here for me.
Your daugther has distorted thinking due to her addiction. I doubt she thinks y'all were getting along just fine, but it helps her escape her responsiblity when she can blame you for "ruining" it. I know it was always easy for me to get sucked into these types conversations with my daughter when she was using and the conversations only ended up in a fight. They were never good.
So I went to my meetings, posted here and listened to wise folks who were in my shoes but seemed to have a whole lot more peace than I had. They told me to get out of the way, quit cushioning my daughter's falls and let her deal with her addiction. Then they told me to take healthy care of me, to not take to heart what she said, to "let it go by like the wind" and keep the focus on me.
Shelly, there is no magic pill to make all this better. But I can tell you when I started doing what these folks, who had experience in recovery, told me to do, I started getting better, feeling better. I realized just like my daughter was addicted to the drug, I was addicted to her. And unless I did something to get out of it, her addiction was going to kill me.
If you can get to a meeting, I'd sure recommend it. Meetings, this board and getting on the same page with my higher power are the only way I've survived.
Hugs and prayers for you and your daughter,
Hangin' In
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((Shelly))))))
You did well...The phone not ringing is a good sign...She is safe and fine...all her friends know where she is at and they aren't calling you.
I've always planned, organized and yes obsessed and once my daughter started using she became the obsession, so I do know how you feel. Boundaries and forcing myself to stop obsessing...driving those thoughts out of my head whenever they tried to appear, were the 2 big goals for me in my early recovery work here and in Naranon. It takes time and practice, but little by little there is a huge change. Hope you can keep taking those baby steps forward. Many hugs.
You did well...The phone not ringing is a good sign...She is safe and fine...all her friends know where she is at and they aren't calling you.
I've always planned, organized and yes obsessed and once my daughter started using she became the obsession, so I do know how you feel. Boundaries and forcing myself to stop obsessing...driving those thoughts out of my head whenever they tried to appear, were the 2 big goals for me in my early recovery work here and in Naranon. It takes time and practice, but little by little there is a huge change. Hope you can keep taking those baby steps forward. Many hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: north carolina
Posts: 139
she came home for a minute and left again!! o what fun it is tonight...walks out the door and says i am going to taco bell. not can i go, or would it be okay if i go...just went.
she had only been home for a minute. we tried to start talking and she got pissy and said i shouldn't call her an addict that makes her feel bad. well, i didn't call her an addict. i asked her if she had used. she says it is the same thing. i say it is guilt.
i hate that word.
addict.
i hate the wordssss....
my addicted daughter.
her name is meagan.
she used to be my sweety pie.
she is the love of my life.
but i don't like the addicted daughter...
i want meagan back
just gonna take a deep breath, lock the door and try to sleep tonight, and get over this lousy cold. ran a nice fever all day today. whoo-whoo...nothing like being stressed out and sick for the new year.
again i say...
i reallly hope what we do the new year day isn't a reflection of the year will be. i am determined 08' will be better. ONE WAY OR ANOTHER
she had only been home for a minute. we tried to start talking and she got pissy and said i shouldn't call her an addict that makes her feel bad. well, i didn't call her an addict. i asked her if she had used. she says it is the same thing. i say it is guilt.
i hate that word.
addict.
i hate the wordssss....
my addicted daughter.
her name is meagan.
she used to be my sweety pie.
she is the love of my life.
but i don't like the addicted daughter...
i want meagan back
just gonna take a deep breath, lock the door and try to sleep tonight, and get over this lousy cold. ran a nice fever all day today. whoo-whoo...nothing like being stressed out and sick for the new year.
again i say...
i reallly hope what we do the new year day isn't a reflection of the year will be. i am determined 08' will be better. ONE WAY OR ANOTHER
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Sjr,
See, you survived and so did she even though you want to whack her in the head.
Ok, here's what I've done when in these situations. You might want to try it or you might not. When my daughter came home, I'd do everything in my power NOT to ask about the using, NOT to say a word. That way you take away her power to blame you, blame this, blame that. As long as I stayed out of it, she could no longer focus on me and what I was doing wrong. That freed her up to have time to look at herself....NOT that she wanted to, but still, it took away the power to blame me.
Now NONE of this happened overnight, but in my case when I kept my mouth shut (OH MY GOSH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD THAT IS FOR ME), my AD's higher power had a free and clear shot at her, to get to her and help her start working out things in her mind.
It's like the page in the One Day At A Time book that says as long as I am in my daughter's business, her HP can't get to her, I'm blocking the way. So I am to get out of the way and let them go at it.
Amazing, just amazing, how that works. Everyday I have to work at it though. I am a natural codie who wants to fix everyone. But through Al Anon and this board, I've learned that's not my job. My job is to shut up and get out of the way. My HP has shown me things work better when I do it that way.
Hugs to you SJR cause I know how hard this is,
Hangin' In
See, you survived and so did she even though you want to whack her in the head.
Ok, here's what I've done when in these situations. You might want to try it or you might not. When my daughter came home, I'd do everything in my power NOT to ask about the using, NOT to say a word. That way you take away her power to blame you, blame this, blame that. As long as I stayed out of it, she could no longer focus on me and what I was doing wrong. That freed her up to have time to look at herself....NOT that she wanted to, but still, it took away the power to blame me.
Now NONE of this happened overnight, but in my case when I kept my mouth shut (OH MY GOSH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD THAT IS FOR ME), my AD's higher power had a free and clear shot at her, to get to her and help her start working out things in her mind.
It's like the page in the One Day At A Time book that says as long as I am in my daughter's business, her HP can't get to her, I'm blocking the way. So I am to get out of the way and let them go at it.
Amazing, just amazing, how that works. Everyday I have to work at it though. I am a natural codie who wants to fix everyone. But through Al Anon and this board, I've learned that's not my job. My job is to shut up and get out of the way. My HP has shown me things work better when I do it that way.
Hugs to you SJR cause I know how hard this is,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 220
A few random thoughts.....
~~When she said that you all had been getting along fine, what she meant was that she had been getting away with her crap
~~She is counting on your feeling guilty. When she can make you feel guilty, she's got you......everything becomes YOUR fault instead of HER fault
~~You hate yourself for throwing her out, but would you like yourself any better if you had taken that kind of treatment from her? I think not.
~~You have a right to feel safe in your own home. Period.
~~No news is good news. If she was in a hospital, a jail or a morgue, you would have heard.
~~You must take care of yourself. One of you must remain strong....right now, it isn't her.
Sending you peace.
Babs
~~When she said that you all had been getting along fine, what she meant was that she had been getting away with her crap
~~She is counting on your feeling guilty. When she can make you feel guilty, she's got you......everything becomes YOUR fault instead of HER fault
~~You hate yourself for throwing her out, but would you like yourself any better if you had taken that kind of treatment from her? I think not.
~~You have a right to feel safe in your own home. Period.
~~No news is good news. If she was in a hospital, a jail or a morgue, you would have heard.
~~You must take care of yourself. One of you must remain strong....right now, it isn't her.
Sending you peace.
Babs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Shelly,
Take care of you, take care of your cold. Be extra gentle with yourself... be selfish and take care of ONLY you. Treat yourself like you would your best friend who is sick.
Your daughter will do what she does, and if you step back, she will have the opportunity to deal with the consequences of her own actions. And THAT is often the first step on the road to recovery.
Hugs, kleenex and chicken soup
Cats
Take care of you, take care of your cold. Be extra gentle with yourself... be selfish and take care of ONLY you. Treat yourself like you would your best friend who is sick.
Your daughter will do what she does, and if you step back, she will have the opportunity to deal with the consequences of her own actions. And THAT is often the first step on the road to recovery.
Hugs, kleenex and chicken soup
Cats
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