jehnifer

16 yo addict son was home from rehab for a holiday visit, and I just put him on a plane to return. He was choking back tears asking when he would be able to come home for good. I said he needs to do the work and the time will go fast. That its up to him how much longer he has to be there because he has to reach level 5 and graduiate. Here is my problem... My mind keeps going to this idea that maybe i overreacted and he doesnt really need to be there. Was he really that bad? Why couldnt I have just kept him at home and enforced some rules? Well the other side has to remind me that he was smoking pot daily and there was a laundry list of other drugs he was dabbling in weekly or monthly. Plus he was dealing. So please tell me that I did the right thing in sending him away? I feel like such a failure.

Spiritual Seeker

YOU did the right thing. You're NOT a failure. You are giving your son the education he needs. You are powerless over his addiction. You can't control it by laying down house rules. He started doing the work while at rehab and now he needs to go continue that good work. My friend's daughter went to 18 mos. of treatment. She said it wasn't 'til month 6 that she felt she had any kind of clear thinking and any time short of that she would have used the min. she would have ret. home.
Keep up the good work yourself mom.

VanessaLee13

Stay strong! I don't have many words of wisdom for you. My A is my BF, and I don't have any children of my own.

It can be so easy to minimize what your A has done when you want them home. Trust me, I have done it in my head quite a few times (my BF has been in detox/rehab for just 10 days). He told me quite a few things today that he has done that I didn't know, and it just reinforced to me that the problem is always worse than we know/think it is.

Maybe my only advice I can give you is what I keep telling myself (even though I am not always good at following this advice myself). Just keep thinking about how bad things were before when they were using. And then concentrate on how good things could be if they really want to get clean, and do get clean. Obviously, we can't make any addict get clean if they don't want to, but we can definitely enable them to continue using. Just try to stay strong and realize you are not a failure!!! You want the best for your son, and didn't cause his addiction. Just keep coming back to SR, there are so many helpful, caring people here.
Hugs!!!
Vanessa

havehope

As much as it hurt, I am sure you did the right thing.
Moving your boundries now would only do harm. Stay strong and remember he is on his way to a better life.
Hugs

CatsPajamas

Yes yes YES you did the right thing. He's still a child, only 16 yrs old.

Whether or not he "gets it" this time in rehab will reveal itself. There are many moms here who will tell you that it took more than once in rehab for their child to finally reach bottom and seek a life of recovery.

You showed your son that you know how to set and maintain boundaries. You showed him that you are willing and able to back up your words with actions. You taught your son a number of powerful life lessons. Now it's his turn to learn some more and to get his life back on the right path.

Welcome to SR. There are lots of moms here with stories to tell.

Hugs
Cats

hope213

do not look back, look ahead. you did the right thing, never doubt it. i wish i had all of this insight when my 36 yr.old son started using at age 17 maybe he would not be so deep into it today. that is why i have his son in a group home. work your recovery, you will need it when he comes home.try to do things for you while he is gone. relax, he is in good hands today.prayers,

sjr

absolutely you did the right thing!!!! please dont ever doubt that. i am the mother of a 16 yr old addicted daughter. i have found it very difficult to get my daughter in a rehab facility, if i could snap my fingers though, she would be there in a heartbeat!!!! i understand the self-doubt & did i do the right thing, or over react. i have had all those feelings and more. you never want to believe that "your" child could be an addict. i have wondered many times if i 'over reacted'...but each time, she will prove to me over again and solidify what i all ready know. my daughter is an addict. i am so glad you we're able to get your son help. please don't question if you are a failure...your not! you didn't send him away...you gave him a second chance on life!!! good luck to you and your son in your recovery....s

puddinface

Oh my gosh...yes, yes, yes you did absolutely the right thing! I could only kick myself that I didnt put my 21 year old son in rehab years ago!!!!!! Now he is about to go in for the second time due to violation of his probation...more than likely for 6 months or better. And guess what...he still doesnt want to stop using drugs. Its either rehab or jail. I only hope he gains more knowledge this time and wants to start moving on with his life. He started using at around 14 and I kept thinking...he's a kid and kids do stupid things. Guess what...that theory backfired. The more help he gets at a younger age...the better it can be. You are a good mom and smart for doing this. Dont worry. :day4

jehnifer

I am goign to read these responses over and over to strengthen me

marteen

Oh, believe me, you DID the right thing! I know how hard it is for you but because you love him, you did what you did. When he is older and wiser, he will tell you so one day. Hold tight to that!

Hugs,
Marteen

pjbs55

jehnifer,
You are not a failure, you did what you had to do for the best of your child. You are a loving mom who wants the best for her child, and right now that is what you are doing by sending him back. If you gave in this time who knows what would have happened to him. At least you know he is safe and working on getting well. While he is away please work on you. Work your recovery while he is working his. I too am a mother of a recovering addict, and know the pain it causes.
Good luck,
Hugs coming from another mom

mjpaao

jehnifer,
You did the right thing. You may be saving your sons life. My addict is my ah, I am living proof of what can happen to an addict's family. I never, ever thought things would go this far. My family is loosing everything, and I would do things so differently if I were to start this whole thing all over again. You're a good mom, and a brave mom. Stick with it, and keep posting to let us know how you're doing.
Big, big hugs coming your way...(((jehnifer)))

cloudy

Hello, the second-guessing is such a natural, albeit painful, response in such a confusing whirlwhind. "Was I overreacting (was everything really ok and am I just imagining this is or creating it....[no...]) "Was he really that bad" (pot daily and a laundry list of other drugs dabbling in weekly or monthly, plus he was dealing). "I feel like such a failure" (it's not your fault, though again this is a very understandable feeling in this whirlwind, surely especially as a parent, absolutely - but NO "couldn't I have just [kept? no] him home and enforced some rules" doesn't do it, isn't actually possible. Boundaries are a good thing and are learnable and visit-able, but boundaries and rules are actually not exactly one in the same. It's confusing but a subject so worth looking into more, much of it is learn as you go, and will make more sense later.

There was this article in the " dot com" of papers online out here recently, it was all about how 2 bars were being charged for serving alcohol to a minor who was in a car accident and severely injured another driver on the road. The controversy of course was immense, but what stuck out to me so much (the online version of the paper often allows for comments from readers) was the number of "where were this girls parents??!!" This really was a reminder for me of the "you haven't been in this situation" thought mode (aka "earth people") versuse the "you have" thought mode. I understand where these thoughts come from, but I also now understand where these thoughts are very misinformed.

Anyway, continue to get support in any way you can by continuing to communicate with people who are/have been in this cruise ship, counseling, books, etc. and, last but not least, sending a hug to you, and your son too. Just don't forget how important it is to get hugs for you too.

devastated

You asked if you did the right thing. Well, in my opinion you did exactly what you should have done. I know for a fact you would not have been able to supervise him 24/7, and it would probably have gotten worse in time.

I only wish I had that option when my son first started using drugs. Maybe today he wouldn't be 45 years old and in prison.

We can only hope and pray we do the right thing. Whatever it is, we do it out of love and concern.

My heart goes out to you because I know how many times I doubted myself over decisions I made.

Hugs, Devastated

krhea75

I know the second thoughts like the back of my hand! My son has been in and out of rehab 5 times, just recently got kicked out of oxford house (sober recovery home). When I get discouraged, I doubt myself. But I know that each stay, each step along the way was part of his recovery. I also know the tears of your kid..mine has put me through hell. Someone on here said the addiction hates us, the kid still loves us. That thought keeps me alive and fighting. So many parents ignore the signs and don't react. You are doing the right thing.
krhea

puddinface

I agree about how difficult it is to set the rules and regulations things. I tried that time and time again with my AS and nothing worked!! He wasnt threatened by me or my husband at all! As a matter of fact, the more we tried to set rules...the worse he would get. He cared about nothing but doing what he wanted. He still is exactly the same at 21. Your son is in a good place. He needs to clear his head and then maybe your boundaries will register.

mooselips

jehnifer,
Boy, it sure tears at our hearts when they cry, doesn't it?
I remember a few of those days, as if it was yesterday.

You just need to think with your head,
and not let your heart come into the picture.

You sent him to rehab for a reason. A GOOD reason.
Heaven knows it sure can't hurt him, right?

Yes, you made a very good decision by encouraging him to return.
He is learning things he needs to learn to have a future.
Or else you end up with a son who's 34 and still using, like mine.


Hugs from one mom to another,

lggirl

I wish my ABF's parents had sent him away at 16 when he was doing just the same drugs. Maybe he wouldn't be an end stage IV drug user. In recovery but relapses over and over. You did the right thing, don't let the tears fool you. It will make him a stronger person and see the seriousness of the disease. Take care. Jennifer

lggirl

PS. My ABF is 36 and has been very sick for about 10 years.

rahsue

I don't mean to sound mean but, WHAT!!!!!!! You did exactly what some of us wish we could've done. If I knew my son was dabbling in pot perhaps I could have put him in rehab before he started using heroin.

Don't second guess yourself, you did exactly right. that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

congratulations on your strength